--- In [email protected], kyukyo <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> If Standing By While Other Beings Needlessly Suffer
> Because They Are Not Ready To Leave Is Not Hell I Do
> Not Know What Is.... 

I'd be grateful if you could give me a comment about putting down a 
bloody goose...

i've been a few times to see a Soto teacher who lives some distance 
north of me - not because i was looking for a teacher so much as the 
circumstances arose.  a woman in my town opened a zendo in her home & 
i sat at there for a number of years & was (am) very grateful that 
she created that opportunity for me to actually 'practice' instead of 
just read about zen.  i learned alot from her & felt indebted to her 
generosity & at the same time grew to feel that her home was not a 
helpful place for me to be any longer (i currently sit with another 
group using Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching).  over the time with her, i 
met her teacher, both at local zazenkai's & a couple of times up at 
the teacher's monastery.

i don't know that i believe in 'enlightenment' - it just seems that 
given all the pain in the world, that the buddhist practice seemed to 
offer a good model for how to live (in some sense studying buddhism 
isn't much different than studying non-violent methodologies, except 
that there are many more accomplished 'teachers' in the buddhist 
path).  

as accidental as i've made this all out to be - i guess what i'm 
really stuck on is that i _would_ like to ask her (or someone) to 
help me with this path.  however, i'm embarrassed to be honest about 
it.  while she is a compassionate woman who has had extensive 
training - i can't seem to get past this sense that this entire 
practice may be nothing more than just 'pipe-dream'.  i'm not 
grasping Dogen's answer to "if our inherent nature is so 
compassionate, why are we such mean sob's?"  & are all the 'rigors' 
of the Soto training nothing more than enforcing a delusion of 
something that isn't really there - like the 'king with no clothes'.

this seems much too rude to actually say to her - & very arrogant 
that some old fart who's been sitting a couple of times a week for a 
few years would question a life time of study/practice.  i suppose if 
i were really ready to seriously learn from this, i wouldn't have 
these doubts...  this entire ramble seems a bit silly now...

i would still appreciate your thoughts,
j





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