The first words out of my wife's mouth were "What kind of women are that???", after I showed her your message.
<< My problem is that she made it quite clear that if we ever got 'serious', I would HAVE TO stop doing what she didn't like. Actually she was warning me that we would get close and THEN she would slowly but surely make me stop what I was doing. For her, what I like wasn't a deal breaker because I would stop doing it 'if I really fell for her'. >> That is indeed a deceptive practice. Relationships (that will have a chance to last) will rely on honesty (upfront), and not try to change the other person to our own image, as we see fit. Men use this tactic to gain sex, and women use it to mold a personality/behavior. The most common phrase I've heard is "If you love me, you would do/stop <insert issue here>." This is selfish and childish, and to be avoided in order for the relationship to be a win-win situation. Negotiation is the name of the game. << My subject line is misleading in this case, but I have run into this before without the warning. My position has always been: I'll date you as long as we are compatible on the major subjects. If we disagree about small things, so what? That's the spice of life. >> Exactly! << Men do this more often, but it seems women do it sneakily. They will give those subtle hints that they don't like something, something that they never mention BEFORE the marriage, but now it's 'You're going to play poker with your friends AGAIN? That's the fifth time in the last three years!' >> That's a good time for the marital negotiation table. When something like happens, I set aside time for us after the children have gone to bed. I lay down the issues in my own words, and she corrects me if I got them wrong. The next thing we do is state what we want until we both understand it correctly. Once we understand what we are dealing with then, we look for ways to make each other happy, just start throwing out ideas. We try to follow a policy of "Joint Agreement." We don't implement a solution unless both of us are enthusiastic about it. It has worked wonders. << Sorry for ranting. My point is: it seems to happen to me a lot and I notice it with my friends. I like to lay all the important things on the table. I'm 34 years old, I don't want to waste time negotiating about religion or politics or being a non-vegetarian. If she doesn't like it tell me now, we' ll either agree to disagree or we'll go our separate ways but now, I don't want it to simmer and become a huge issue two years from now. >> I am 34 and on my second marriage. I decided to try the internet for finding a similar minded woman. It took over a year, but we found each other. There a few things that helped immensely. I'll try to be clear below. 1) Have a list of must have traits/habits/issues. These are what I call deal breakers. Anybody that doesn't have or don't agree, are crossed off the dating list. Be firm, or you're going to go back and regret it. 2) Have a list of "nice to have". These are things that are not as important and are negotiable. 3) Make up your mind on what are you willing to do for your ideal person. The premise here is "Become the ideal mate, not look for them." This attitude will help when it is time to make changes in yourself. 4) Do not let emotions cloud your judgment. This means that you need to follow through if you feel uncomfortable or there is something that you find objectionable. This will give you the courage to say no to a relationship you know is not going to work. 5) Whatever you do, _do not keep skeletons in your closet!_ This is a marriage killer. I was completely open and honest about things in my past that I thought might come back to bite me if I didn't disclose them before hand. I did this _long_ before I thought about marrying her. I don't have anything to hide now, so I don't have to worry and take energy away from the relationship. There's complete trust and I wouldn't trade that for anything. This may sound unromantic, but it surprises me that a lot of people don't put enough thought in searching for a mate. We put more effort in finding a job, than in finding a suitable mate. I've read quite a few books on relationships (about 11 to be exact), but there is one gem that stood in the crowd. This one is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. This is a no-nonsense book, that does not pull punches about what each gender does. The reason that I like it so much is that it has actually principles and paths to follow that are fair for both genders, and it takes into account the differences between genders. Their website is at http://www.marriagebuilders.com The rest of the books just try "feel good" measures that are shallow and non-lasting. I posted profiles in at least 9 different online matchmaking services. It took me about a year to find a suitable mate. It was preparation meeting opportunity, luck ;). She had signed with a promotional two week membership, and she decided to start talking to me about 2 days before her membership expired. We lived about 500 miles apart. I ended up moving to her state, and now we are quite happy. She was one of those women that you think would never get married. She has 5 girls from the previous marriage. I have a boy and a girl from my previous marriage. I knew that it was going to be a LOT of work, but nothing is ever free. The most appreciated things are usually the ones that you have had to work for. Something that is still eerie to me is how much our parents are alike. Btw, I'm Hispanic (Sosa) and she's Swedish (Gustafson). ;) We both read a lot of Sci-Fi and Fantasy. She knew beforehand that I like fishing, and we have taken our children on short fishing trips. - an irregular
