Great point, thanks Lisa. On Thursday, September 10, 2015, Lisa Greenleaf via Callers < [email protected]> wrote:
> Hi Everyone- > > I am cringing every time I read the word victim. VIctim implies > powerlessness, so why not use the word dancer and encourage > self-empowerment? > > Sometimes dancers approach me because I am an official organizer, and > other times friends of the person approach me because they know I might be > able to help. My first question around complaints is always, “Did you talk > with the person whose behavior bothered you?” And then I model an “I” > statement for them: “I don’t like that,” “I don’t feel comfortable dancing > with you because I don’t like to be twirled,” etc. > > Of course, most people find it difficult to talk directly to the person > disturbing them, but it’s still worth encouraging, especially if you show > them how to do it. You are teaching them a real-world skill that they can > use outside of the dance. > > When a dancer approaches me with a complaint, I don’t see them as a victim > who needs rescuing. For one thing, I don’t know the real situation until > I have heard both sides of the story. Yes, the situation may expand to a > larger problem, but even then I don’t change “dancer” (or more > specifically, the name of the person) to “victim.” > > Lisa > > > > On Sep 9, 2015, at 8:02 PM, Yoyo Zhou via Callers < > [email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote: > > > > Taking you at face value: if you have a systemic problem, you need a > > policy. If you have a problem with one person, you need to come to > > terms with that person. I'm not sure if it's just the board, or if > > other dancers also have issues with her. But if you seek mediation, > > take notes on your interactions so you have evidence to back yourself > > up. > > > > > > Now, I think the last thing you need is a policy requiring victims to > > speak up. It's counterproductive to making a safe dance space. (Let's > > discuss that on the other thread.) > > > > Let's say I'm new to your dance and I have a bad experience with > > someone. What do I do? I might complain about it to my friends who > > convinced me to come. I might just avoid that person. I might just go > > home dissatisfied. One of the last things I might do is complain to > > the management (and I might view that woman as an extension thereof), > > because who knows if they'll just shrug it off and not take me > > seriously? > > > > > > Also, you wrote, "it seems to me that she's committing violence." No, > > I disagree. This totally cheapens the meaning of "violence". What > > words do you use for when punches are actually thrown? (It's happened > > at a dance here.) > > > > Yoyo Zhou > > > > On Wed, Sep 9, 2015 at 7:42 AM, Ron Blechner via Callers > > <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote: > >> Maybe. Maybe not. My point was that we should be very, very careful > about > >> making a definitive statement about something being "just an > accusation", > >> especially when in your example, there was a second problem - even if > it was > >> a year earlier. > >> > >> On Sep 9, 2015 10:39 AM, "Lindsay Morris via Callers" > >> <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote: > >>> > >>> Appreciate that. Don't think the "where there's smoke there's fire" > issue > >>> applies here, though. It would if there were several different women > >>> complaining about one man... > >>> > >>> -------------------- > >>> Lindsay Morris > >>> CEO, TSMworks > >>> Tel. 1-859-539-9900 > >>> [email protected] <javascript:;> > >>> > >>> On Wed, Sep 9, 2015 at 10:34 AM, Ron Blechner <[email protected] > <javascript:;>> wrote: > >>>> > >>>> Hi Lindsay, > >>>> > >>>> I realize this is a tricky topic, so apologies in advance if my > brevity > >>>> comes off as bruskness. > >>>> > >>>> These two suggestions work for Amherst Contra. > >>>> > >>>> As a proxy complaint comes in, a board member would seek out the > source. > >>>> Anonymous complaints are permitted, and a high level of ensuring that > we ask > >>>> open-ended questions, and not leading questions. > >>>> > >>>> We also wear board member buttons at dances and make regular > >>>> announcements about us being available for any reason. Usually 4-7 > members > >>>> of our board attend any dance. > >>>> > >>>> You might speak privately to Will Loving, our lead organizer, if > you're > >>>> interested in more specifics. > >>>> > >>>> I would also caution about making such definitive statements as "just > an > >>>> accusation". In my experience, where there's smoke, there's fire. For > every > >>>> accusation, there's five people who are too uncomfortable to speak up. > >>>> > >>>> That said, I have seen the success of proactive addressing of issues. > The > >>>> biggest benefit is simple: > >>>> > >>>> Address it early when it's small, and not a huge deal. Maybe it's a > >>>> simple misunderstanding. Maybe the person needed a clear boundary > drawn. But > >>>> wait until there's a pile of complaints, and you've already lost > dancers and > >>>> the resolution will need to be more severe for the offender. > >>>> > >>>> Best regards, > >>>> Ron Blechner > >>>> > >>>> On Sep 9, 2015 10:08 AM, "Lindsay Morris via Callers" > >>>> <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote: > >>>>> > >>>>> Chris Weiler's Positive Solutions on dealing with problem dancers, > and > >>>>> the CDU Policy are thoughtful and useful documents. > >>>>> > >>>>> We have a different problem here. > >>>>> > >>>>> One woman often complains to board members about men she sees as > >>>>> creepers or sexual predators. She reports their misbehavior on > behalf of > >>>>> their victims. The victims don't initiate these reports.* > >>>>> > >>>>> Many others don't see these men as creepy or inappropriate. Recently > >>>>> one of the "victims" clarified that her discomfort with the man was > a year > >>>>> ago and she'd long ago dealt with it to her satisfaction. The man in > >>>>> question had heard only rumors that some nameless woman was unhappy > about > >>>>> some nameless thing he'd done. > >>>>> > >>>>> This woman also publicly asked that young women who feel harassed > should > >>>>> talk to her about it. We feel that's the Board's job, not hers. > >>>>> > >>>>> It seems that this woman is fishing for - or even inventing - > >>>>> "naughty-dancer" problems. > >>>>> > >>>>> When a married man gets accused of being a sexual predator, his wife > has > >>>>> to wonder if it's true. This adds to any marital tensions they may > already > >>>>> have. So, while this woman is not actually punching anybody in the > face, it > >>>>> seems to me that she's committing violence. > >>>>> > >>>>> How should we handle this? > >>>>> > >>>>> I think we need a "No proxy complaints" policy - i.e., the victim > has to > >>>>> speak up (and then our process will usually fix simple > miscommunication > >>>>> issues). > >>>>> We need to clearly identify board members, so genuine victims know > who > >>>>> to talk to. > >>>>> > >>>>> But does anybody have other ideas about preventing one person's > issues > >>>>> from poisoning the atmosphere of a mostly friendly dance? > >>>>> > >>>>> ____ > >>>>> * I know, victims often have a hard time stepping up and > complaining, so > >>>>> advocacy may be a good thing. But that's a different discussion. > In these > >>>>> situations, there's no victim; there's no predator; there's just an > >>>>> accusation with little to back it up. > >>>>> > >>>>> _______________________________________________ > >>>>> Callers mailing list > >>>>> [email protected] <javascript:;> > >>>>> http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net > >>>>> > >>> > >>> > >>> _______________________________________________ > >>> Callers mailing list > >>> [email protected] <javascript:;> > >>> http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net > >>> > >> > >> _______________________________________________ > >> Callers mailing list > >> [email protected] <javascript:;> > >> http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net > >> > > _______________________________________________ > > Callers mailing list > > [email protected] <javascript:;> > > http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net > > Lisa > > > > _______________________________________________ > Callers mailing list > [email protected] <javascript:;> > http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net > -- -------------------- Lindsay Morris CEO, TSMworks Tel. 1-859-539-9900 [email protected]
