Great point, thanks Lisa.
On Thursday, September 10, 2015, Lisa Greenleaf via Callers
<[email protected]
<mailto:[email protected]>> wrote:
Hi Everyone-
I am cringing every time I read the word victim. VIctim implies
powerlessness, so why not use the word dancer and encourage
self-empowerment?
Sometimes dancers approach me because I am an official organizer,
and other times friends of the person approach me because they
know I might be able to help. My first question around complaints
is always, “Did you talk with the person whose behavior bothered
you?” And then I model an “I” statement for them: “I don’t like
that,” “I don’t feel comfortable dancing with you because I don’t
like to be twirled,” etc.
Of course, most people find it difficult to talk directly to the
person disturbing them, but it’s still worth encouraging,
especially if you show them how to do it. You are teaching them a
real-world skill that they can use outside of the dance.
When a dancer approaches me with a complaint, I don’t see them as
a victim who needs rescuing. For one thing, I don’t know the
real situation until I have heard both sides of the story. Yes,
the situation may expand to a larger problem, but even then I
don’t change “dancer” (or more specifically, the name of the
person) to “victim.”
Lisa
> On Sep 9, 2015, at 8:02 PM, Yoyo Zhou via Callers
<[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote:
>
> Taking you at face value: if you have a systemic problem, you need a
> policy. If you have a problem with one person, you need to come to
> terms with that person. I'm not sure if it's just the board, or if
> other dancers also have issues with her. But if you seek mediation,
> take notes on your interactions so you have evidence to back
yourself
> up.
>
>
> Now, I think the last thing you need is a policy requiring
victims to
> speak up. It's counterproductive to making a safe dance space.
(Let's
> discuss that on the other thread.)
>
> Let's say I'm new to your dance and I have a bad experience with
> someone. What do I do? I might complain about it to my friends who
> convinced me to come. I might just avoid that person. I might
just go
> home dissatisfied. One of the last things I might do is complain to
> the management (and I might view that woman as an extension
thereof),
> because who knows if they'll just shrug it off and not take me
> seriously?
>
>
> Also, you wrote, "it seems to me that she's committing
violence." No,
> I disagree. This totally cheapens the meaning of "violence". What
> words do you use for when punches are actually thrown? (It's
happened
> at a dance here.)
>
> Yoyo Zhou
>
> On Wed, Sep 9, 2015 at 7:42 AM, Ron Blechner via Callers
> <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote:
>> Maybe. Maybe not. My point was that we should be very, very
careful about
>> making a definitive statement about something being "just an
accusation",
>> especially when in your example, there was a second problem -
even if it was
>> a year earlier.
>>
>> On Sep 9, 2015 10:39 AM, "Lindsay Morris via Callers"
>> <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote:
>>>
>>> Appreciate that. Don't think the "where there's smoke there's
fire" issue
>>> applies here, though. It would if there were several
different women
>>> complaining about one man...
>>>
>>> --------------------
>>> Lindsay Morris
>>> CEO, TSMworks
>>> Tel. 1-859-539-9900
>>> [email protected] <javascript:;>
>>>
>>> On Wed, Sep 9, 2015 at 10:34 AM, Ron Blechner
<[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Hi Lindsay,
>>>>
>>>> I realize this is a tricky topic, so apologies in advance if
my brevity
>>>> comes off as bruskness.
>>>>
>>>> These two suggestions work for Amherst Contra.
>>>>
>>>> As a proxy complaint comes in, a board member would seek out
the source.
>>>> Anonymous complaints are permitted, and a high level of
ensuring that we ask
>>>> open-ended questions, and not leading questions.
>>>>
>>>> We also wear board member buttons at dances and make regular
>>>> announcements about us being available for any reason.
Usually 4-7 members
>>>> of our board attend any dance.
>>>>
>>>> You might speak privately to Will Loving, our lead organizer,
if you're
>>>> interested in more specifics.
>>>>
>>>> I would also caution about making such definitive statements
as "just an
>>>> accusation". In my experience, where there's smoke, there's
fire. For every
>>>> accusation, there's five people who are too uncomfortable to
speak up.
>>>>
>>>> That said, I have seen the success of proactive addressing of
issues. The
>>>> biggest benefit is simple:
>>>>
>>>> Address it early when it's small, and not a huge deal. Maybe
it's a
>>>> simple misunderstanding. Maybe the person needed a clear
boundary drawn. But
>>>> wait until there's a pile of complaints, and you've already
lost dancers and
>>>> the resolution will need to be more severe for the offender.
>>>>
>>>> Best regards,
>>>> Ron Blechner
>>>>
>>>> On Sep 9, 2015 10:08 AM, "Lindsay Morris via Callers"
>>>> <[email protected] <javascript:;>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Chris Weiler's Positive Solutions on dealing with problem
dancers, and
>>>>> the CDU Policy are thoughtful and useful documents.
>>>>>
>>>>> We have a different problem here.
>>>>>
>>>>> One woman often complains to board members about men she sees as
>>>>> creepers or sexual predators. She reports their misbehavior
on behalf of
>>>>> their victims. The victims don't initiate these reports.*
>>>>>
>>>>> Many others don't see these men as creepy or inappropriate.
Recently
>>>>> one of the "victims" clarified that her discomfort with the
man was a year
>>>>> ago and she'd long ago dealt with it to her satisfaction.
The man in
>>>>> question had heard only rumors that some nameless woman was
unhappy about
>>>>> some nameless thing he'd done.
>>>>>
>>>>> This woman also publicly asked that young women who feel
harassed should
>>>>> talk to her about it. We feel that's the Board's job, not hers.
>>>>>
>>>>> It seems that this woman is fishing for - or even inventing -
>>>>> "naughty-dancer" problems.
>>>>>
>>>>> When a married man gets accused of being a sexual predator,
his wife has
>>>>> to wonder if it's true. This adds to any marital tensions
they may already
>>>>> have. So, while this woman is not actually punching anybody
in the face, it
>>>>> seems to me that she's committing violence.
>>>>>
>>>>> How should we handle this?
>>>>>
>>>>> I think we need a "No proxy complaints" policy - i.e., the
victim has to
>>>>> speak up (and then our process will usually fix simple
miscommunication
>>>>> issues).
>>>>> We need to clearly identify board members, so genuine
victims know who
>>>>> to talk to.
>>>>>
>>>>> But does anybody have other ideas about preventing one
person's issues
>>>>> from poisoning the atmosphere of a mostly friendly dance?
>>>>>
>>>>> ____
>>>>> * I know, victims often have a hard time stepping up and
complaining, so
>>>>> advocacy may be a good thing. But that's a different
discussion. In these
>>>>> situations, there's no victim; there's no predator; there's
just an
>>>>> accusation with little to back it up.
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> Callers mailing list
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>>>>>
http://lists.sharedweight.net/listinfo.cgi/callers-sharedweight.net
>>>>>
>>>
>>>
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>>
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Lisa
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--------------------
Lindsay Morris
CEO, TSMworks
Tel. 1-859-539-9900
[email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>
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