words are so inadequate.... gloria's suggestions are indeed the best....
i tell people i'm there if they need to talk or cry or scream; i'll
also ask them (usually after the initial shock is over and they can
think!) if there's anything specific i can do for them. everyone's
experience is different, everyone's process is different--they are the
best judge of what they need. letting them know in a way they can hear
that you DO care is what's important.
the number one, least-helpful thing on the list is, "i know exactly
what you're going through." well, no, you may know what YOU went
through in a seemingly similar situation--saying that to someone tends
to make them feel minimized....
the two most useful things others can do is to listen--over and over
and over again, often--people need to make the experience real, and
most folks are NOT willing to just listen. that, and just give them
permission to grieve, to hurt, to cry, to be depressed--in truth, there
are no wrong ways to grieve, short of hurting one's own self or others.
denial serves a purpose; anger does as well--about the only thing
that's really counterproductive is to STAY in denial..... but even that
is impossible to judge for someone else.... knowing it's okay to talk
to you, tho, will make it much more likely that the person will pass
through denial. it's so hard for people to talk about feelings, and you
can't really force them to--just let them know you are available. offer
them a list of phone support lines for pet-loss, on-line or local
groups--then let them decide.
when the loss is one of our critters, everyone is so different--some
can't be with the animal when it's euthanized, others can't conceive of
NOT being there. some need to go right out and get another cat or dog,
others need to wait, and others refuse to ever love another critter
that's gonna leave them. some find great peace in looking at photos of
their bridge babies, others cannot bear to.
think about what helped you get through a loss--and what did NOT; think
about what you wish someone had said or done for you. part of giving
permission to grieve is sharing your own stories--it can help the
person realize their feelings ARE safe with you--but be
sensitive: they probably do NOT need to hear your horror stories
of the vet from hell, nor feel that they have to comfort you!
if you knew the animal, talking about the silly and good times with the
animal can be really helpful. yes, it brings up initial sadness about
the critter's being gone, but it's a good way to remind everyone that
the better times far outweigh the bad, and that the critter truly lives
on in the hearts of those who knew and loved it. laughing about
the cat who flooded the kitchen can be a good thing!
no offense intended, but hard-core god stuff--of whatever
flavor--usually is NOT a good idea unless you know that the person
shares your belief system... i was a dog/cat mom for almost 20 years
before i ever heard of the rainbow bridge--most people find a copy of
the poem comforting and non-threatening. even if they don't believe it,
it's a gentle way of showing you do care...
and take care of yourself, too--listening can be hard work, especially
when it is the 100th time you've heard the story--if you start to burn
out, running screaming out of the room is generally not considered a
therapeutic response... i personally don't buy the concept of
"pathological grief," because it's used as a weapon against dealing
with the reality and terror of deep feelings--but if there's no
progress, and you are being drained, find yourself someone to talk to;
get some ideas on how best to support yourself. this might be the time
to introduce your friend to a local pet-loss group, or an on-line chat
or message board.... usually, however, it will not come to this
point--just feeling safe enough to talk to someone who won't say, "it
was only a cat/horse/boyfriend, you can always get another one" allows
a person to go through the inevitable process of acceptance....
(and need i say that i live in fear of the day i have to be empathic to someone who's just lost their beloved tarantula??????)
--
MaryChristine
AIM / YAHOO: TenHouseCats
MSN: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ICQ: 289856892
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets than rel... Nina
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets tha... Gloria B. Lane
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets... Nina
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets... TenHouseCats
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill ... Gloria B. Lane
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets tha... tamara stickler
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets... TenHouseCats
- RE: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets tha... MacKenzie, Kerry N.
- RE: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets... tamara stickler
- Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets tha... tamara stickler
- RE: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets tha... MacKenzie, Kerry N.