Re: OT: Staff take more time off for ill pets than relatives

[TenHouseCats]

words are so inadequate.... gloria's suggestions are indeed the best....
i tell people i'm there if they need to talk or cry or scream; i'll also ask them (usually after the initial shock is over and they can think!) if there's anything specific i can do for them. everyone's experience is different, everyone's process is different--they are the best judge of what they need. letting them know in a way they can hear that you DO care is what's important.

the number one, least-helpful thing on the list is, "i know exactly what you're going through." well, no, you may know what YOU went through in a seemingly similar situation--saying that to someone tends to make them feel minimized....

the two most useful things others can do is to listen--over and over and over again, often--people need to make the experience real, and most folks are NOT willing to just listen. that, and just give them permission to grieve, to hurt, to cry, to be depressed--in truth, there are no wrong ways to grieve, short of hurting one's own self or others. denial serves a purpose; anger does as well--about the only thing that's really counterproductive is to STAY in denial..... but even that is impossible to judge for someone else.... knowing it's okay to talk to you, tho, will make it much more likely that the person will pass through denial. it's so hard for people to talk about feelings, and you can't really force them to--just let them know you are available. offer them a list of phone support lines for pet-loss, on-line or local groups--then let them decide.

when the loss is one of our critters, everyone is so different--some can't be with the animal when it's euthanized, others can't conceive of NOT being there. some need to go right out and get another cat or dog, others need to wait, and others refuse to ever love another critter that's gonna leave them. some find great peace in looking at photos of their bridge babies, others cannot bear to.

think about what helped you get through a loss--and what did NOT; think about what you wish someone had said or done for you. part of giving permission to grieve is sharing your own stories--it can help the person realize their feelings ARE safe with you--but be sensitive:  they probably do NOT need to hear your horror stories of the vet from hell, nor feel that they have to comfort you!

if you knew the animal, talking about the silly and good times with the animal can be really helpful. yes, it brings up initial sadness about the critter's being gone, but it's a good way to remind everyone that the better times far outweigh the bad, and that the critter truly lives on in the hearts of those who knew and loved it.  laughing about the cat who flooded the kitchen can be a good thing!

no offense intended, but hard-core god stuff--of whatever flavor--usually is NOT a good idea unless you know that the person shares your belief system... i was a dog/cat mom for almost 20 years before i ever heard of the rainbow bridge--most people find a copy of the poem comforting and non-threatening. even if they don't believe it, it's a gentle way of showing you do care...

and take care of yourself, too--listening can be hard work, especially when it is the 100th time you've heard the story--if you start to burn out, running screaming out of the room is generally not considered a therapeutic response...  i personally don't buy the concept of "pathological grief," because it's used as a weapon against dealing with the reality and terror of deep feelings--but if there's no progress, and you are being drained, find yourself someone to talk to; get some ideas on how best to support yourself. this might be the time to introduce your friend to a local pet-loss group, or an on-line chat or message board.... usually, however, it will not come to this point--just feeling safe enough to talk to someone who won't say, "it was only a cat/horse/boyfriend, you can always get another one" allows a person to go through the inevitable process of acceptance....

(and need i say that i live in fear of the day i have to be empathic to someone who's just lost their beloved tarantula??????)

--
MaryChristine

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