Caroline,
I am so sorry Monkee had to leave this world but he left loved beyond words and
in the place he felt safest---your arms. You gave him everything a little cat
could want but it was time to leave. Please remember that only his body is
gone. He remains very close to you and will visit you if you ask him to. You
will feel him close to you just as long as you allow him to be and as long as
you are open to visits. They are not dreams and you are not crazy. Many
people on this list will tell you about their little friends visiting. Mine do
on a regular basis and those that were closest to my heart never really leave
my side. They are always there to help. This is not logical but it is very
true. If you do not feel confident enough in your own ability to contact
Monkee there are people who can help you. Susan can put you in touch with them
or, if you can figure out how to e-mail me off line, I can.
Bless you and your mother.
If you have men who will
exclude any of God's creatures
from the shelter of compassion
and pity, you will have men who
will deal likewise with their
fellow man.
St. Francis
----- Original Message -----
From: Caroline Kaufmann
To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org
Sent: Monday, July 16, 2007 10:47 AM
Subject: Monkee is gone
My beloved cat Monkee passed last night in my arms while I held him with my
Mom standing next to my side. At about 2:30 a.m.
We were going to take him to Dr. Maier's for euthanasia this morning at 8:00
a.m. I thought he could make it until then and that he wouldn't want to go to
a strange emergency vet clinic he'd never been to before for his passing. I
didn't know he was that bad. I feel so bad. It was so horrible. He was
having some trouble breathing, but I was usually able to calm him down by
holding him and giving him flower essences. He had begun to have trouble
walking and he would cry at me really loudly when he wasn't able to do
something he wanted to do because his brain was not getting enough oxygen (like
walk around). I didn't want him to be in pain or suffer and I feel like I
failed him.
He did go really quick, but I was hysterical as it was happening. We were on
my bed and I was holding him. He took a last gasp of air and then he stopped.
When his body when limp, I felt like I might die too. I think the only thing
that helped me and my mom was that she has "rescue remedy" with her and we both
took it right away. It sounds odd to say that, but immediately after it
happened, I felt a sense of peace-- for him. I think the rescue remedy helped
my breathing at that time. I just held him afterwards and talked to him and
pet him and kissed him for about two hours. I told him how wonderful he was
and that I would never be the same without him. I walked around the house, sat
with him on the porch he loved so much and took him outside for his last time
to hold him while sitting on the front steps.
I have never had an animal die in my arms like that and to have it be my best
friend-- the best companion I've ever had...my heart just feels like it's
wrenching in half. I feel guilty and traumatized. I am having a hard time
erasing the memories of his passing. When I close my eyes, I see his face as
he took his last breath. I don't how to recover from that.
I've never been lonely since I had Monkee and now that he's gone, that
loneliness is crashing in.
I hope all of you are able to continue to care for your cats and give them
the peace and love that they so desperately need. I admire those of you who
take care of multiple FelV cats and have lost some in the past and continue to
keep doing the work that you do. My thoughts and my prayers are now with all
of you and your babies. I felt like I didn't have the mental energy to devote
many of my prayers in the past few weeks to any cat other than Monkee, but I
will be praying for you now.
I also wanted to remind everyone that you never really know the power of what
love can do for a cat like Monkee, until you experience it. When I found him,
he was a crazy, dirty, little ragamuffin eating doves, baby rabbits, and
whatever else he could catch in the courtyard of my law school apartment
complex in Northern Ky 4 years ago. And four years and 1 month ago, I couldn't
take his living it up in "the killing fields"- as I called it- anymore. It
took so long to get him to be a somewhat normal cat. Something bad must have
happened to him because he was already neutered when I found him, so he had to
have belong to someone. He was deathly afraid of men and it took until
probably about this past year for that fear to almost subside. I don't think
anyone else in my life (other than myself) believed that he'd ever be trusting,
cuddling, sweet, lfunny, love-bug that he was with me. The first time I turned
on my radio and my tv after I had brought him into my life, he freaked out and
hid under the bed for hours. After lots of love and being spoiled rotten, and
having four years to experience as many things as possible, he had truly become
my best friend. He would comfort me when something went horribly wrong in my
life and the past 4 years have been pretty turbulent for me so he had a lot of
comforting to do. He was what always cheered me up when I was at my lowest low
and he was what kept going. He slept on my bed with me every night and even
when I was just away for one night, I would miss him and miss having him there
in the morning to wake up with. I am going to miss him so much.
I also wanted to say "Thank You" for being such an instant support group for
Monkee and I. We really needed help these past few weeks and you all really
came through for us.
Thank you,
Caroline
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