This is a pretty interesting take, and largely believable, but there are some
aspects I'm not sure of. Leaving aside grammar and such, I'm annoyed by the
failure to explain the initial incident in the story, that is, Naruto showing
up looking dishevelled and beaten. I can't really reconcile that incident with
anything else you've described in the story, and except for Naruto's accidental
display of talent it doesn't seem to be particularly important or add anything
we don't already know. Moreover, although whatever happened apparently caused a
significant psychological disruption, Naruto never seems to think about it
again. I think you should either fit this incident into the world in some way
or excise it entirely.
Also, I can't really believe Naruto's mindset. I won't say it's inconsistent
with the world (hardly, considering Sasuke), but it doesn't seem really
consistent with *reality*, and the idea of Naruto-as-Sasuke-clone isn't really
very compelling, especially since there's almost nothing left, psychologically,
of the Naruto we know in this character. To be fair, I've never found Sasuke to
be a particularly compelling character, but at least his reasoning and goals
are clearly linked. Although this Naruto clearly has a goal, you haven't
elaborated what it *is*, specifically. Without knowing what's driving him it's
difficult to understand *why* he is the way he is, and so it's also hard to
believe *that* he is the way he is. In short, Naruto's attitudes are just too
extreme for me to buy, even in the context of his world and his experiences.
I thought that your explanation of his past worked wonderfully. However, it's
simply too difficult to get from the end of that story to the beginning of this
one. And from the end of this one going forward, it's difficult for me to
imagine that anything could actually undo his attitudes. There's not even an
inkling here that he's changing, and that's a mistake, especially given that
the revelation about the Kyuubi can only make him *less* trusting and
socialized.
The last major problem I had here was with the final act. It broke the story
for Naruto to trust Mizuki that way. If it had been *Iruka* then I would have
been able to accept that Naruto went along with it, but this Naruto should have
been suspicious, and he wasn't, and so the story sort of fell apart.
I like this idea, that Naruto is (somewhat) more skilled than he lets on, that
his friendly behavior is a front, etc. However, I think that the track you've
taken is psychologically too extreme for Naruto. The other characters are
pretty believable, and I very much liked how Hinata developed. But Naruto is
too depraved to be believed, and in the final act, too trusting to be
consistent. Before you go forward with this, I think you need to maybe rework
Naruto's character slightly, and fiddle with the last section to make the
scroll theft work.
PR
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