$Woot! Comments from DB! That makes any day a good day!
On Nov 11, 2007 10:58 PM, DB Sommer <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> % While there were too many distractions for me to write, I did
> have enough to C+C. I Heard about this. Time to look it over.
$Awesome, thanks. You heard someone talking about this fic? That's
interesting.
>
>
> People Lie
>
>
> Naruto paused on the way to his desk, visibly struggling for a moment
> before offering up a weak smile and an insincere 'sorry'.
>
> He looked like hell. Leaves in his hair, dark circles under his
> eyes, dirt on his clothes, and dried blood here and there. He sat in
> his seat with none of his usual energy and propped his head up in his
> hands.
>
> % Hmm. Nice way to clue the reader in to what's wrong and doing it quickly.
>
$I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate starting new stories, because the
first few dozen paragraphs always look like ass to me. I feel like
I'm just sort of flailing aimlessly until at least a third of the way
in when I seem to find my voice.
>
> It was far from the first time he'd ever been late to class. There
> had been days where he'd never shown up at all. But it was the first
> time he'd shown up to class looking like someone had systematically
> beaten the crap out of him. Usually he was, if not stylish, at least
> clean and well groomed. No one could ever really be considered
> stylish wearing outlandish orange pants and a white t-shirt, often
> with an orange jacket thrown over it.
>
> % As opposed to fashion plates like Chouji?
$That's a good point, but in my opinion, the only one whose outfit
made any sense at all was Sasuke. I mean, seriously, most of the
rookie nine look like they're preparing for a brisk hike on a glacier.
>
> o/~
>
>
> Days passed, as they usually do. Today was a Tuesday, which meant a
> lecture day. Two hours of lectures in the morning, two hours of ninja
> equipment,
>
> % what about it? Reviewing it? Making it? Seems a bit vague
$Mmm, is a bit vague. I'd basically thought... all of the above.
>
> % Nice to see Hinata is picking up on things.
$I wrote this to experiment with my style and try to learn how to
speed stories along a bit faster. Seems to have done alright, I
guess.
>
>
>
> "Adding a fire element to a seal," he replied, yawning behind a hand.
> Abruptly he sat bolt upright and looked around, surprise on his face.
>
> % Hmm. The fox demon adding something to try and keep his host alive?
$More like him forgetting he's supposed to be stupid.
>
>
> "I'm shocked! Simply shocked that you don't trust me, Iruka-sensei!
> I would never dream of cheating!" Naruto proclaimed, all wounded
> dignity.
>
> "I'm serious, Naruto, I will break your arms in three places and
> cover you in itching powder."
>
> % Heh. That would be evil.
$And pretty fun to watch, to tell you the truth.
>
>
> "I'll be good," he replied meekly. "I really only thought that Kiba
> needed to be held back a year, anyway."
>
> % Heh.
>
>
> "How do you know what I'm capable of?"
>
> Iruka nodded. "That's it, I don't. But I have a feeling that you
> do. And I think you're lying to me."
>
> % Hmm. Tanking deliberatly, or an outside force?
$Deliberate. Basic germ of the idea stretches all the way back to The
Masks We Must Wear, an old Ranma fanfic.
>
>
> Abruptly, Naruto's face blossomed into a grin. "Iruka-sensei, why
> would I lie to you?"
>
> % Iruka: Well, it is in the title of the fic.
>
$I've actually since started calling my notes Authors Lie, since
roughly 3/4 of my clever reasons for things happening are pulled out
of my ass on the spot when someone asks me a question about a story
point that seems stupid or doesn't make any sense, and I usually don't
admit that. Writing a wheels within wheels character is a lot
different from any other story I've ever written.
>
> Though he was crying, when asked what had happened, his voice didn't
> waver. He gave clear, concise details. Then the doctors gave him
> something that put him into a nightmare filled sleep that lasted two
> days. He woke up screaming.
>
> % Hmmm.
>
>
>
> Naruto could still remember exactly what the old man had said.
>
> "Ibiki, make sure he regrets it."
>
> % And I'm sure he still does to this day.
$Nah, he only regretted it for about a week. Unless there really is a hell.
>
>
> Naruto stopped for a second, looked at him, looked away. "People
> lie," he said after a moment.
>
> % And hence we have a title.
$You know me, I like to use the title as a line in the story itself
when I think of it. Remember it was the last chapter before Aurora of
Rainbow Fire made any sense.
>
> "How important friends are."
>
> Naruto looked like he'd been slapped.
>
> % Very nice touch.
>
$Thanks. Emotionally disturbed people are more entertaining than the
regular sort. Well adjusted people just make me want to hit them.
>
>
> But friends? Among people his own age? They were immature. They
> were irrational, for crying out loud. They did things that made no
> damned sense whatsoever. Most of the girls in class fawned over that
> Uchiha, when he clearly did not like them, and made complete fools of
> themselves. Most of the boys either spent their time in pointless
> pissing contests, or absorbed in weird little obsessions of their own.
>
> % Now that's not... well, yeah, they are a pretty weird bunch. And
> Naruto fits right in.
$Shh, he's feeling superior. Don't take that away.
>
>
> They made lousy friends. He'd overheard girls spreading lies and
> rumors about their supposed 'friends' behind their backs. The boys
> would follow some obscure schedule of their own, best friends one day,
> bitter enemies the next.
>
> Who in the hell would want people like that at his back?
>
> % They are... learning. Naruto had a hard lesson dealt to him early.
> They'll catch up.
$Heh, if they had any idea what he really was in this fic, and I ain't
talking about the kyubi, none of them would want him anywhere near
their backs.
>
>
> He needed to gather intel.
>
> % This could be something.
$Wasn't, really, but it could have been.
>
>
> o/~
>
>
> Iruka pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to fend off the
> onrushing headache as he stared at the embarrassed looking
>
> % embarrassed-looking (first grammar error I've seen. Nice job)
$Damn the hyphens. I think it's pathetically obvious I have no idea
when to use a hyphen.
>
>
>
> "The assignment was to practice following a ninja throughout their
> daily routine," Iruka continued smoothly, not giving either a chance
> to interrupt. "He was supposed to pick a fresh genin, someone with a
> non combat
>
> % non-combat
$And again.
>
> She glared at him. "Well you
>
> % Well, you
$That's just a mistake. I'd rather make a mistake than be wrong.
>
>
>
> He brought it up to Mizuki, his fellow teacher for the group. At
> first Mizuki didn't want to believe him, but a quiet word with Naruto
> about some one on one
>
> % one-on-one
$*sigh* Used your corrections, of course.
>
>
> Iruka's eyebrows raised. "ANBU? But why?"
>
> % Not that that would make me feel good, considering some of the actions
> of the ANBU. :)
$For elite ninja, they do seem to be largely a bunch of red shirts.
>
>
> Girls lied more about their intentions than he did.
>
> % At times. At times.
$Yeah. Day times and night times.
> The first time Naruto met Anko
>
> % Ooo boy. In her own way, she might screw him up even more than he
> already is. Without trying. :)
>
$I tried to keep her interaction to a minimum. Lots of Naruto raised
by Anko fics out there. But she's fun, so I didn't want to just
ignore her.
>
>
> "Hey, Ibiki, where you taking the shrimp?" a voice called.
>
> Naruto looked up to see a huge, tall woman with a really fat chest
>
> % Hmmm. Didn't think she was that buxom.
$Not Tsunade levels, but she seemd pretty big.
> "You." Easy answer. Anko delighted in her effect on others. "But
> scaring the hell out of people will attract the wrong kind of
> attention."
>
> % hehehehe.
$He's not really against it per se, it's just he doesn't like the
potential consequences.
>
>
> Anko winced. "Okay, you need to practice that. I see why you picked
> someone you'd seen before." She tapped her lip thoughtfully. "In
> fact, I think I have something better." She headed for her bedroom,
> and Naruto could hear rustling around in there. "I've been forbidden
> on pain of boring ass missions from teaching you my jutsu, but this
> one ain't mine."
>
> % I shudder to think who's it is.
$Generic anbu sort of thing, I'd imagine. A better henge would be handy.
>
>
> Be a friend to someone. Not to worry about having a friend in
> return, but be a friend to someone. If nothing else, fake it really
> well.
>
> He hadn't been enthusiastic at first, but Iruka had added something
> to that.
>
> "I talked it over with Ibiki-san. He feels that this is a good way
> for you to understand this lesson we've been trying to teach you."
>
> % Yeah, that might help.
$Considering that, for all we barely see the man, Ibiki is the big
influence on Naruto, yeah. Iruka can press buttons, too.
>
>
>
> Note to self: the weakness of long term plans is that situations change.
>
> % Heh. Also too true.
$'Hold on to your dreams' speeches kill me. When I was a kid, I
wanted to be a genetic engineer when I grew up. I'm not a genetic
engineer now, but do I feel like I failed to reach my dream? Hell no.
I decided against that when I found out exactly how much time every
day I'd spend cooped up in a lab in order to do it. Dreams change.
Especially when you're a kid.
>
>
> Naruto blinked. "Really? What was it?" Konoha's forests were full
> of plants with interesting applications. He'd read a couple books on
> the subject.
>
> % Ah, the blind leading the blind.
$That's sort of amusing when you're talking about a Hyuga or an Uchiha.
>
>
> "A-also, you can add it to things you want to smell like chocolate,
> like p-poisons, if you want." Oh, great, now he'd think she was some
> scary poisoner girl. No one liked people who used poisons.
>
> % She has no idea what she is about to do. And for that reason it might
> turn out for the best.
$I had a really neat thought about her motivations last night, and
I've been excitedly working on Clients Lie since I thought of it. I
like clever ideas.
>
>
> Naruto smiled at her. He smiled at her!
>
> "Hey, thanks, Hyuga-san. I'm going to get something to eat now.
>
> % Naruto: You know, since talking about poison always makes me hungry.
$Mmm, I always did like almond flavored stuff...
>
>
>
> Warily, Naruto watched the dark haired
>
> % dark-haired
$Arg.
> "Lead the way, oh beautiful Hyuga princess," he intoned, bowing low.
>
> *thump*
>
> "Hinata? What the hell?"
>
> % Heh. Hinata doesn't fit anywhere in his paradigm. Boy is he going to
> be in for an eye opening revelation.
$Other than being obscenely shy and meek, she might not be so
different as you suppose. Hence, the neat thought I'm working on.
>
>
> God she was annoying.
>
> % well, he regards most people as annoying, since he doesn't really
> understand them
$Or maybe he understands them too well. I don't usually see people's
motivations as being all that mystifying, but I damned sure see them
as annoying.
>
>
>
> "That's not an answer," he pointed out reasonably.
>
> "I'm just not like you, okay?" she snapped. "I w-want to be like you,
> I want to TRY like you, but I can't!"
>
> Naruto blinked, stunned, then, before he could help himself, laughed.
>
> % OOps, Wrong answer
$She thinks he tries. It is sort of funny, if you're evil and the
joke isn't on you.
> "Hinata?" he asked, poking her cheek with one finger. "Hinata?"
> Pause. "SON OF A BITCH!"
>
> % She just might be the right remedy for him, all right.
$That is the question.
>
> "Hey," he protested weakly. "You hit me in the ear…"
>
> % Heh. Ask and ye shall receive...
$I still love Fight Club.
>
>
>
> "I want you to lose a fight."
>
> % Actually, she's been doing that for a while.
$True. But this time she's going to do it on purpose. When you lose
deliberately, doesn't that mean you win?
>
>
> o/~
>
>
> There were collective gasps from all around her, students who
> couldn't believe that Hinata, the shyest girl in class, had just said
> that to INO, the loudest.
>
> % Heh. That also means she thinks Hino is weak,
$All the girls are weak. I think a lot of the major problems with the
Naruto series can be traced back to the girls who picked on Kishimoto
when he was a kid.
> Wow. It was really kind of neat watching the flicker of changing
> expressions on Ino's face as she went from pissed to completely
> irrational in the span of about five seconds.
>
> % Well, Ino is kind of... unique.
$Unique like Sakura.
>
>
> "You…! You…! YOU BITCH!" Ino screeched, her voice hitting those
> high registers she was infamous for when she got mad.
>
> Hinata winced theatrically and dug a finger into her ear. "Alright,
> alright, I apologize. You can keep looking like an idiot as you throw
> yourself at Sasuke all you want. Just shut up, please, no one wants
> to hear it." Several people around her, all male, chuckled
> appreciatively. Two were looking at her with raised eyebrows, and one
> was Shikamaru. He looked, it was hard to say, smarter than usual.
>
> % That's because he's smarter than Naruto realizes. He's just too lazy
> to show it. :)
$That's the biggest miscalculation Naruto makes. He assumes that no
one else is hiding their real intelligence, motives, or abilities,
since they all look pretty dumb to him.
>
>
> Hinata crouched, breathing fast and shallow as she dropped one hand
> to feel of her leg.
>
> % 'word missing there
$What word? I should probably delete 'of', admittedly.
>
>
>
> She was going to take the look on her little sister's face, the
> little sister she adored, the look that told her how disappointed she
> was in her big sister.
>
> % Hmm. Haven't gotten that far in the series, I think.
$Fanon, not canon. I use what I feel like.
>
>
> Whatever that meant. Sometimes Naruto said things so profound they
> mystified her.
>
> % And you've got me intruigged as to where he's going with this.
>
> % And you'd think the adults would be keeping a closer eye than this.
$Yeah, but the adults seem to do a lot of dumb things. I can only
hope they're just too busy to keep track of everything.
>
>
> "No!" Naruto all but shouted. "I just wanted to be clear on the
> situation. I can do this." His eyes positively blazed. "I will do
> this. Now tell me about the scroll. Where is it and what does it
> look like."
>
> % Hmm. Now how will this turn out differently from the first episode.
$Basically no different, since the shadow clone thing is so integral
to the character of Naruto I didn't want to take it away, and needed
some excuse to give it to him.
> The blade of the second wakizashi wasn't poisoned, but it was over a
> foot of razor sharp steel, and it went in, and out, of Mizuki's calf
> like it was butter. An involuntary, full body twitch twisted the
> blade, and Mizuki's hasty hop away caused it to tear through the
> muscle and fly out of Naruto's hands at the same time.
>
> % Well, he had that coming.
$It's slightly worse than being stabbed in the ankle, I suppose.
>
>
>
> "Damn, Iruka, sacrificing yourself for that thing?" Mizuki said,
> hobbling forward with his last shuriken. "But you always did have a
> soft spot for the little demon. Ah, well. At least you can die
> together." He raised his weapon, and there was a sound, like a quiet
> eruption somewhere muffled. An explosion in flesh. And another,
> right on top of the first. And another, a rapid sequence of sound and
> chakra, like someone was beating a drum at a furious pace. Mizuki
> stiffened, and blood fountained from his mouth.
>
> He keeled over without a sound.
>
> Behind him, Hinata stood, one foot forward, one hand still extended
> in the final strike of her family's juken style, not even breathing
> heavily.
>
> % And thus Naruto has discovered the value of freinds.
$Yeah, that's pretty much it. Friends are great because they can do
things for you. Kind of a cold way of looking at it, but no less true
for all that.
> I hope you like it! Or at least, give it a chance.
>
> % Indeed I did. Now, I don't read much Naruto due to time problems, but
> I've always had a soft spot for Naruto Hinata stories, so I do hope for
> a happy enidng. But with you, who knows. :)
$Yeah, I didn't get my happy ending, so why should anyone else? On
the other hand, I can't stay depressed forever, so it'll probably turn
out good in the end. Just, darker than average in the middle.
>
> Exellent work. Glad I finally had a chance to review it. Definitely
> worth the time.
$And thanks for the comments as always, DB. Always look forward to
catching some C&C from you. Hope you beat the distractions into
submission and get some writing done!
-Nugar
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