In some situations I have a tend toward hypervigilance, and it has to do
with cycles of depression and anxiety, something that with experience it
is possible to set intentional triggers (breakpoints in computing
terms). Large changes
On 9/11/2010 1:06 PM, gruff wrote:
Hi Ash,
Sorry, I'd more or less forgotten about this thread while being myself
over in Mind, Consciousness, Thought.
Yes, congratulations on your second, I suppose. It really depends on
how you feel about it. I can understand some anxiety. I was never
meant to be a parent myself but it took fathering two to grasp that
meaning. The first didn't turn out too well and the second never had
a chance. Aborted within weeks. Neither of us were fit parents. But
if you're happy about it, then yes, congratulations.
There's something disturbing about the concept of people being ready for
parenthood, I sure wasn't. It was hell the first several months, she had
postpartum depression and OCD, which really helped matters as they began
a battery of antipsychotics (for depression). We were happy when she
came home, because the doctors were literally driving her insane. There
were easy outs but I couldn't accept them, adoption, separation. The
choice was to bear the weight of everything or it would all fall apart.
I gained new insight into the reality many single mothers go through.
Several months of working eight hours, get off and watch a newborn, many
fussy nights (colic), go to bed and get up every two-three hours during
the night.
The circumstances were devastating for me mentally, physically,
emotionally but it demanded I take an active stance and decide. So I
said and did what it took, never complained or added stress that might
complicate her recovery. I spent a lot of time staring at the wall or
ceiling at night numb with emotion, sometimes surreal, ultrareal feeling
around in the dark searching for strength, hope, faith, trust. Things
very inaccessible to me I had to be a beacon of. I don't recall doing
anything at work, though I seemed busy I recall many days having lapses
in vision like the tracers you get when pushing against sleep too long
or when drunk off your ass and your eyes start quivering along their
travel. Heavy coffee, smoking and dipping were my diet and I didn't dare
touch a drink for about a year. I drank heavily during the early months
of pregnancy, sobbing over the toilet about stupid things like bringing
someone into the world I knew, what a jerk.
We are better prepared this time and taking precautions, but having
another still scared the crap out of me. It took a year for me to be
able to think about it, it just seemed like a dark period of time and
once or twice I intentionally tried to reach into memory it felt like
someone shoved a knife into the back and through the middle of my head,
so I left it alone and gave it time. Recently when we talked about it
there was hope, even after I ran the gamut of rational contingencies.
And as it turns out his world isn't going to be the world I knew/know.
But I've a question regarding your memory. Is in not working properly
due to the upcoming event? Certainly an understandable reaction. Or
is it some illness that is screwing with your memory?
It's a labyrinth, the best way I can describe it is that it seems like a
wall or blockage perhaps the result of defensive mechanisms and an
extremely passive personality. Both I've been working on, since anger
seems to light up access a bit, but I have to use that carefully and
dislike the reliance and consequences ('actions reinforce the motives
behind them').
I had a friend whose mother was having problems with her memory. Some
said it was Alzheimers, others merely a mild dementia and one or two
others diagnosed plain old age. I'd met the woman and she was feisty
but not out of touch except for her memory which would suddenly fail
in both the long and short term. I wondered aloud if he'd record his
last visit with her on audio tape then have it played back for her
just before his next visit would it help. He tried it and it did.
About half the time it partially restored her memory, enough to make
the visit progressive rather than repeating the same thing. Even a
notebook or diary kept of events as they happen might have the same
effect. Just something in the subject's own voice or handwriting to
shake the old synapses.
Just a thought. But tell me more.
Given the right context I often remember conversations or details of
events verbatim years after the fact. I know it is tiring for those
around me to remind me daily, somewhat this is reversed by taking a more
active role in things. My strongest emotional memories are linked to
smell, especially the childhood ones, each one with a distinct
indecipherable odor and a perhaps metallic taste. Sharp sounds (yelling,
screaming) shut it down completely, same thing with too many of the
wrong variables appearing at once or over a period of time. Often this
happens subconsciously and I have to look for what triggered it, it has
never failed to provide keen insights many times moments in advance of
incalculable outcomes (apparently for most). Notetaking is nearly
obsolete in my work, it is too much too fast and no software has proven
adequate (undergoing an search for the past few years). It helps a lot
for the daily things, but irritates me how long it takes. I can use a
fraction of my actual vocabulary which is very embarrassing, stopping
sentences abruptly happens frequently. Something like a rapid command
interface (speed of thought) co-processor and heads up display would
make me very happy.
On Sep 4, 11:12 pm, Ash<[email protected]> wrote:
On 9/2/2010 10:33 PM, gruff wrote:> "... On Sep 1, 9:55 pm,
Ash<[email protected]> wrote: ..."
My memory is a torturous wreck I apologize for leaving our discussion
hanging. Is there a term for mental tunnel vision? Finding my way back,
and with luck and some stamina, a reply you will have tonight my friend.
Thanks but if you're feeling poorly, no need. May I inquire the cause
of your wreckage? Re mental tunnel vision, to me it is obsession.
I'm sure you'll find your way back because you basically seem like a
rational and level headed person.
Lets say next time I have the urge to talk with a coworker about
disaster prevention I will immediately run manual backups.
I have a few days to integrate what I learn into long term memory as
part of a workable system or it is lost. Most days I have no idea what
happened the day before and that makes personal progress difficult.
There is so much more, but our second son is due next month and I must
present hope and trust. If difficult times come again I will have no use
for concern over my self just pure determination and single outcome
orientation. So hope and trust, illogical and irrational, my nemeses I
will consume in a very pragmatic affair (necessity).
