“You do what you do because that’s what the harmony of the universe requires,” RamDas, "Be Here Now"
On Sep 29, 2:13 am, Ash <[email protected]> wrote: > Every time I try to respond to this it seems I am a different person > and can't make any sense. Things are changing rapidly now, and I > switched from recreational research in evenings to work related research > to make pace with recovery and development efforts. The greatest changes > are my history, it is strange but it seems like once or twice a week now > my perception changes dramatically regarding who and where I have been. > A shock came last week when I made an intentional experiment, and saw > myself as a 50 year old man which was not too shocking except that I > became him in an instant and saw the progression of life until now. What > I saw was a child (myself), and being free from him was beyond > comprehension, many things I've known and not understood. This is > something I have no idea how to convey, it seems so alien and beyond > ontogenesis. This probably belongs in psk's thread but what to write > here has been on my mind frequently. I've been riding the wave if you > will and it is bringing good things to me, but facing many challenges > I've been stuck with for a long time. How does one turn their back on > onesself? It is like leaving a most intimate friend. > > Best Regards, > Me? > > On 9/12/2010 11:26 PM, gruff wrote: > > > > > "... On Sep 12, 12:57 am, Ash<[email protected]> wrote: ... " > > >> In some situations I have a tend toward hypervigilance > > Hypervigilance can be useful as long as it doesn't wind up in > > paranoia, but given bouts of depression and anxiety, it probably > > does. Trigger points for what? To break out of the fugue or to do > > something else? > > > I doubt many are ready for parenthood when it befalls them. Even > > though I was convinced that my line had to end with me because of the > > socio-psychological defects, I failed to get a vasectomy until I was > > in my early 40s and have never used a condom. I think there were some > > testosterone issues involved. I also had some sense that I was too > > selfish to be a parent. I didn't want something around my neck that > > would demand responsibility and tenacity from me. I wanted my life to > > be my own. But the latter never fully dawned on me till I had a > > squalling, smelly bundle of baby in the house. I took an easy out. > > Both mother and daughter left me when my kid was six months old and I > > never went after them. I've don't se anything appealing about baby > > humans. Now puppies and other animals are a different ballgame. > > > But that's me. It sounds like you had a lot of serious misgivings and > > confidence issues but you stepped up and did what you had to do in > > spite of -- or maybe because of -- the darkness to which you > > descended. It sounds like your realization of the responsibilities > > involved overwhelmed you but again you did what you had to do. > > > You had a drinking problem for a short time but when you realized it > > was causing you to fail your responsibilities as a father you put it > > down. That's quite an accomplishment. > > > I don't think having been through a dark period necessarily requires > > going back, especially if it causes that much pain. Now if I felt you > > were in denial, then I might recommend revisiting the fear till you > > faced up to it, but you don't sound in denial. If anything it sounds > > like you might be taking too much of the responsibility and blame. > > > In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps you are caught up in > > guilt. Especially if your background is Jewish or Catholic. Both are > > big dealers in guilt as a means of punishment and motivation. Guilt > > can do strange things to a normal human mind, cause much self- > > destruction and self-inflicted pain. > > > Passive personality also fits in with guilt. Typical Woody Allen > > complex. Have you ever seen any of his films? Does he make you > > uncomfortable? If so, look deeper here. > > > Do you ever feel as though a breakthrough or enlightenment is just > > around the corner, up the next block, across the street, in the next > > person you meet ... but you never seem to get there or find them. > > Just some random thoughts here. I felt like that quite often in my > > teens, twenties and thirties. I didn't begin to come into my own > > until my forties. Then I started spreading the news: Life does begin > > at forty. Actually it begin whenever a person is ready for it to > > begin. For some, life (i.e., being relatively confident in yourself > > in most all situations) beings young. Me, I was a late bloomer. But > > in some in never begins. Sounds like you're pretty close. You can't > > go through the sort of mental examination and rigorous questioning you > > are doing without learning some very real things about yourself. > > > As for the tale of using a recording device to refresh the old woman's > > memory before her son visited, that was the only time I've had a > > chance to actually see the results. But it makes sense, at least > > enough to give it a try. > > > Your actual memory problems are beyond my knowledge and capabilities > > but it sounds like there might be some self-destructiveness involved > > in the mix. Some of the things we can do to ourselves, and > > unknowingly as well, are shocking. > > > Have you tried any form of therapy? I'm not talking a psychiatrist. > > For the most part all they want to do is give you chemicals. I'm > > talking about psychology. I received far more actual help from a > > psychologist than I ever did from the two shrinks I saw. > > > But finding the right psychologist can be a job in itself. It's like > > finding the right combination of medicines that works for your own > > particular brand of high blood pressure. You have to be able to feel > > comfortable with the person and to develop a strong trust in them. It > > took me a while before I found one with whom I worked well. I learned > > a lot in the year of weekly visits and have never felt the need for > > one since. > > > Do you indulge in any sort of drug use? It doesn't sound like it, > > from what you've told me about your experience with alcohol. Have > > you ever tried mild tranquilizers such as 5mg of Valium? They can > > slow a person down sufficiently to more or less let you catch up to > > yourself. I don't particularly like Valium because it blots out > > creativity but marijuana works just fine for me -- except I can't get > > it on my prescription drug plan. Not yet anyway.
