"... On Sep 12, 12:57 am, Ash <[email protected]> wrote: ... "
> In some situations I have a tend toward hypervigilance Hypervigilance can be useful as long as it doesn't wind up in paranoia, but given bouts of depression and anxiety, it probably does. Trigger points for what? To break out of the fugue or to do something else? I doubt many are ready for parenthood when it befalls them. Even though I was convinced that my line had to end with me because of the socio-psychological defects, I failed to get a vasectomy until I was in my early 40s and have never used a condom. I think there were some testosterone issues involved. I also had some sense that I was too selfish to be a parent. I didn't want something around my neck that would demand responsibility and tenacity from me. I wanted my life to be my own. But the latter never fully dawned on me till I had a squalling, smelly bundle of baby in the house. I took an easy out. Both mother and daughter left me when my kid was six months old and I never went after them. I've don't se anything appealing about baby humans. Now puppies and other animals are a different ballgame. But that's me. It sounds like you had a lot of serious misgivings and confidence issues but you stepped up and did what you had to do in spite of -- or maybe because of -- the darkness to which you descended. It sounds like your realization of the responsibilities involved overwhelmed you but again you did what you had to do. You had a drinking problem for a short time but when you realized it was causing you to fail your responsibilities as a father you put it down. That's quite an accomplishment. I don't think having been through a dark period necessarily requires going back, especially if it causes that much pain. Now if I felt you were in denial, then I might recommend revisiting the fear till you faced up to it, but you don't sound in denial. If anything it sounds like you might be taking too much of the responsibility and blame. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps you are caught up in guilt. Especially if your background is Jewish or Catholic. Both are big dealers in guilt as a means of punishment and motivation. Guilt can do strange things to a normal human mind, cause much self- destruction and self-inflicted pain. Passive personality also fits in with guilt. Typical Woody Allen complex. Have you ever seen any of his films? Does he make you uncomfortable? If so, look deeper here. Do you ever feel as though a breakthrough or enlightenment is just around the corner, up the next block, across the street, in the next person you meet ... but you never seem to get there or find them. Just some random thoughts here. I felt like that quite often in my teens, twenties and thirties. I didn't begin to come into my own until my forties. Then I started spreading the news: Life does begin at forty. Actually it begin whenever a person is ready for it to begin. For some, life (i.e., being relatively confident in yourself in most all situations) beings young. Me, I was a late bloomer. But in some in never begins. Sounds like you're pretty close. You can't go through the sort of mental examination and rigorous questioning you are doing without learning some very real things about yourself. As for the tale of using a recording device to refresh the old woman's memory before her son visited, that was the only time I've had a chance to actually see the results. But it makes sense, at least enough to give it a try. Your actual memory problems are beyond my knowledge and capabilities but it sounds like there might be some self-destructiveness involved in the mix. Some of the things we can do to ourselves, and unknowingly as well, are shocking. Have you tried any form of therapy? I'm not talking a psychiatrist. For the most part all they want to do is give you chemicals. I'm talking about psychology. I received far more actual help from a psychologist than I ever did from the two shrinks I saw. But finding the right psychologist can be a job in itself. It's like finding the right combination of medicines that works for your own particular brand of high blood pressure. You have to be able to feel comfortable with the person and to develop a strong trust in them. It took me a while before I found one with whom I worked well. I learned a lot in the year of weekly visits and have never felt the need for one since. Do you indulge in any sort of drug use? It doesn't sound like it, from what you've told me about your experience with alcohol. Have you ever tried mild tranquilizers such as 5mg of Valium? They can slow a person down sufficiently to more or less let you catch up to yourself. I don't particularly like Valium because it blots out creativity but marijuana works just fine for me -- except I can't get it on my prescription drug plan. Not yet anyway.
