Re: [ozmidwifery] Fw: toddler safety/ babymoon relationship

[Pinky McKay]

Aviva, Hi please forgive me for  "chatting" on list - this disagreement is so typical of what happens when couples have a baby - why not lend them Parenting By Heart -I deliberately included  Father interviews -there is a good one in the chapter "you must be so happy" and the couple stuff as this is such a huge dimension to the relationship when a baby is added. I am not sure whether it is a male need to be 'right' / an authority or some sort of 'denial' that their life isnt changing 'out of control' I think the whole father thing is alot more scary than we acknowledge - we have only just started to acknowledge that the changes can  actually be traumatic to women - there are lots of losses for men as well as women (freedom/ finances/sleep/ sex/ adoration by partner - now he is 'wrong' - she knows best etc etc)  .   Sometimes I think this blustering is a culturally acceptable way to deny the real feelings about wanting the woman to himself - ie the movie tickets. A baby is portable and doesnt have to be left when a mother isnt ready (the need to stay close is biological -I couldnt bear to leave my babies).I had almost the same scenario with first baby and was told to leave it with a bottle feeding neighbour who had confessed to me that she had thrown her own baby against a window in frustration when he wouldnt stop crying (she was single and child was now a 4 year old). I wasnt going to betray her confidence but most of all didnt want to be separated from my tiny, fully breastfed baby - Iwas told by rellies that he wasn't welcome at a family dinner ("OUR night out without kids - theirs were all at least 7 tears old!!") . Told hubby to go by himself if he liked but he stayed home  and snarled at me all night (I probably wasnt diplomatic and WAS a mother lioness).   These sorts of things happen so commonly but it is another part of the conspiracy of silence around parenthood and the power of the motherchild bond.   Babies can go to movies and will breastfeed throughout if the mum is comfortable but it sounds like Alice is soo sensible re her and baby's needs (Camping next day will require special energy) -maybe the man needs some speciall attention at home . I can remember complaining "I wanted to have your babies  - not be married to a baby!!" - subtelty isnt my forte on the spur of the moment but I have learned the hard way that honey works better than vinegar!!   The pool issue is SERIOUS - yes there is time before the child is mobile but I personally know a dear woman who lost TWO toddlers when hubby was watching them and became distracted for a second or two.  She is elderly now but one drowned and one was hit by  a car. I have another dear friend whose 'bonus baby' was exactly the same age as mine (our older sons were both in their final year at high school together and we 'did' pregnancy together) In just a split second this 18month old slipped out the door and under a car backing out in the driveway and was killed - her mum had rushed out the front door and her 16 year old brother ran out the back door -My friend met her son with her dying baby in his arms - imagine the blame and horror for this family and the silent treatment as father blames mother for negligence and mother seethes about father not building the fence she had been asking for and the trauma for 18 year old son who was driving the van.   The trouble with toddlers is that so often people 'assume' that the other is watching the child and 'accidents'' happen -through my friend I have met several mums whose toddlers have died -one in a pond next to the front door - merely a puddle just a couple of inches of water! Babies heads are heavy. If they happen to fall as they bend over to look they cant get themselvs upright again - even a nappy bucket is a drowning hazard. And no matter what our good intentions little ones are very quick, not always predictable and we can be distracted for a split second, leaving them a window of opportunity which lets them get just one step ahead of us (ask any mother where she was when her toddler reached the stove/ got out the door/ threw a toy in the toilet and she will probably say "right next to my child")- kids do not cry for help when they are drowning. Sure there is pool covering, but I personally wouldnt feel safe with this. It may be worth Alice "checking' with her local council whether it is legal to have an unfenced pond . Another point Alice might like to make is how independent a toddler can be and how positive it is for them to feel safe venturing forth into the wilds of the backyard to explore -all by themselves! What messages do we give them when we contantly hover -dont we want them to feel omnipotent ? dont we want to give them the message "you are so capable" and what a rare and wonderful message to give to a precious daughter.(She IS different from all other children and we can see that she maintains that 'edge' by encouraging our amazing little being to be strong and independent - this may appeal as he seems to relate to the baby as a bigger person).   In spite of diplomacy being a softener I think Alice can forget it in this issue if he wont budge (They say if two people agree on everything one of them isnt thinking!!) - she wont be able to admire the handywork of a potential deathtrap and it sounds like it wil be a serious project. What about suggesting a sandpit instead and what a wonderful creative alternative that would be - (you can now get fantastic sunshading) and how stimulating it is for a child in our wonderful sunny weather - all the play/ intellectual benefits etc for their brilliant baby (Maybe evoke some of her husbands own childhod memories). What a great landscaping project that could be instead of a pond which, once it is built will not be easy to demolish (at least in peaceful manner).   Good luck on this diplomatic mission. Pinky Good luck       ----- Original Message ----- From: Aviva Sheb'a To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Thursday, January 09, 2003 2:01 PM Subject: [ozmidwifery] Fw: howdy Dear All, Here's the latest from Alice. She needs support not with Luna, but with her man. As I've never parented with a partner, I am no expert at dealing with off the planet fathers. Any and all advice welcome please! Aviva ----- Original Message ----- From alice To: aviva Sent: Thursday, January 09, 2003 10:58 AM Subject: howdy Hi Aviva, Hope you're well.  I've been having a great time with Luna's night time sleeping!  Proud to say that she slept from 10pm till 5:30am this morning - woo hoo - what a little gem!  On another note, we have a slight issue on the domestic front.  As part of Jonathan's master plan for the garden, he has dug a hole for a pond on the flower side of the garden (as opposed to the native low-water side) and it just dawned on me that this is basically a death trap for a toddler which i brought gently to his attention, merely suggesting that we need to make it child safe or not at all.  And the next day Jonathan said in these exact words "I have come to the conclusion with the pond issue that I want to keep the pond and since it's too hard to build a fence around it, we can never let Luna out of our sight and it won't be a problem." This comment is clear evidence that he has absolutely no idea what looking after a toddler will entail, so i have come to the conclusion that we are not having a pond and now it is my challenge to find a way for Jonathan to think it's his idea not to keep the pond.....hmmm....especially since i will be the one caring for her most of the time, and especially since it would probably be when daddy is looking after her that she gets out of his sight quite often, i will not have this impending danger on my doorstep every day.  Sometimes he is so unrealistic i find it very frustrating, like i'm the one who always has to bring him back down to earth with a hard thud.  Also, you know how we are going to the Rainbow Serpent festival 24-26 Jan?  Well, that's all cool, i'm confident everything will go relatively smoothly (despite Jonathan's objections about protecting Luna from the sun "She has to get used to it sometime") and we have been given a 2 for 1 voucher for the movies, which is for that week as well.  So Jonathan says "Cool, we can go and see the movie the night before we go to the festival, your parents can look after Luna with a bottle of your breastmilk, then we will go to the festival the next day."  Ok, for a start i don't want to give her a bottle yet, also i don't want her first babysitting experience to be right before we go camping because it is bound to upset her routine, and besides i don't really give a shit about the movie, so he can take his friend, Sam.  I'm happy to stay home and rest and get prepared for our adventure. Jonathan's attitude to the sun really pisses me off.  YOu can tell he grew up in Canada, not Australia.  Besides that he gets sunburnt nearly every day at work, tells me it's a 'controlled burn' to build up a tolerance to the sun!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!  He says that since we will be enjoying an outdoor type beachy lifestyle eventually, there is no point protecting her from the sun, she needs to build up a resistance.  So i told him that if i see him with her out in the sun unprotected for one second i'm going to bash him.  It's as if he has no idea about the fragility of a baby.  He thinks i'm overreacting to the dangers of the sun.  Even when we are outside and it's not that sunny, she still squints from the glare of the sky, even when we are under shade and Jonathan's like "Well she has to get used to it" and of course she will but she's only a baby!!!!  Everything's very sensitive right now, she has only just entered this world!  No amount of forcing her to look at glare is going to help her eyes, Jonathan has this thing about building up her tolerance for things which in a way is true, but geez, need to be aware of her development, which he has no interest in since 'our baby is not like other babies'.  I can see his point, but i feel like he is forcing things on her before she is ready, and he has no interest in finding out about when she might be ready, or accepting the observation that she's obviously not ready, just wants her to grow up and accept the way he wants her to be before she is ready.  I feel like telling him to piss of for a few months so she can just be a baby for a while then come back, maybe a few years. Well, of course i am exaggerating.  He is a brilliant dad and very affectionate and caring with LUna, but sometimes his head is in the clouds.  Sorry to sound like this is a bitch session about Jonathan, but these things are on my mind and they will be dealt with successfully, i just have to get it off my chest, helps me look at the situation more rationally.  He is a gem and i love him to bits, but it just seems like lately i have to be the sensible one, moreso since he is so unrealistic at times, and i hate seeming like a party pooper to burst his unrealistic bubble all the time.  It's ok, we'll be fine, just need to deal with it in such a way as not to damage his delicate male ego, and explain things to him so he thinks it's a good idea rather than telling him off.  God, i have to be such a diplomat lately!!!!! Anyway, it would be great to see you sometime, just let me know when's good for you, Alice xxx   ---   Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). 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