���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Okay it seems that I was misled! The article on peeing that was published in yesterday's issue was actually from the book "Don't Stand Too Close To A Naked Man" by Tim Allen...my apologies to Mr Allen and my thanks to Allen M. for pointing this out to me! I am still having some serious problems with my website...the pages most affected currently are my poll page and my unsubscribe page.. I hope to get both of these fixed over the weekend! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, SunAmy, Di Ann, Stan, Keli, Barb, Ishy, Barbara, Marina. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard on? A Frigid Midget With A Ridged Digit! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Telling his fortune... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.446 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.446 Please yourself... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.447 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.447 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: If you like old-fashioned, traditional country music from the 1950's thru the 1980's, COUNTRY MUSIC CLASSICS, a FREE weekly email newsletter, is for you! Stories behind the songs, questions and answer section, contests and more. If you love country music back when it was REALLY country-- then subscribe TO THIS free NEWSLETTER by sending a blank e-mail to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks. The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent." The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders." The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon." The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me then." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to sit in a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon. "Are you crazy? The temperature must be two hundred degrees Fahrenheit in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max. "But, sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "But, there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!" "Money is no problem," retorted Ford. "But there isn't any way I will have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!' They haggled back and forth for a while. Finally, they settled for five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the FIRST names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Try it...who knows! Check out the poll at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/";>FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie. -Montaigne ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Sexual Problems... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.448 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.448 Cutting to the chase... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.449 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.449 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A couple of Jewish fellows decide to go to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. One says to the other, "You know there are American Jews, Russian Jews, Spanish Jews, even black Jews, but I have never heard of any Chinese Jews." The other guy says, "You know, you're right. Let's ask the waitress." When she comes with a pot of tea, they ask, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" She says, "I dinnay. Weel ask." She comes back a short time later. "No. We have grape juice and orange juice, no Chinese juice." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Desk Drop Jr. - Match the falling objects and elimate the rows. <a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.11 ">Play it</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <A Classic!> The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored. The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." They went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first". So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got double barrels!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101";>Click</a> http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� True Story: I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "they're for my girlfriend". She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats! ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� How to uninvite someone politely: The pleasure of your absence is kindly requested. ���-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------��� [Aggie really needs to hear from you!] Dear Aggie: Why are all men jerks? ARE there any good ones not taken? Tired of being Lonely ]~[ Dear Are You Lonesome Tonite Yes, there are plenty of good men. Perhaps you are ugly.Try a blind guy, but bust your zits first, they will feel them. Aggie NEW...check out Aggie's Webpage at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/";>Dear Aggie</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/aggie/ ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� NOT with you... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.450 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.450 Rude woman... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.451 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.451 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There was this couple that lived in the back woods of Caraway, Arkansas! After the birth of their last child, they started having problems in their marriage. Finally the husband could not stand it any longer and went into town to see a lawyer! The lawyer asked him, "How may I help you?" The husband said. "I want me one o' them dee-vorces!" The lawyer asked him, "Well, do you have a case? Husband: "No, but I got me a John Deere!" Lawyer: "Do you have a grudge?" Husband: "Shor, that's whar I park my pick up truck!" The lawyer was shaking his head, thinking, 'this isn't going anywhere!' Lawyer: "Is she a nagger?" Husband: "No, but but our last child was, that's why I want me a dee-vorce!" ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A drunk who had been indulging fairly steadily staggered into a funeral parlor. "I need a stiff drink." he said. When the undertaker explained where he was, the imbiber said, "In that case, I'll have a bier." (Stan Kegel) Dr Doolittle's visage darkened as he dissected the diseased duodenum of the deceased male sheep, declaring that the malady was critically contagious and that it was our patriotic duty to guard the severed specimens from possible biological terrorists, so all through the night o'er the ram parts we watched. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Dog Bones - Can you help Rover find his 5 bones? <a href=" http://fun-lists.com/play/?386.g.12 ">Play it</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available". I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride. Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop. Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?" He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy. "So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?" Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy. " So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?" He replied, "Yep. My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Running out of Skin.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.237 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.237 Meeting a pussy... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.452 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.452 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Preparations for the 2004 Olympics are being hampered by the discovery of an ancient brothel. The site earmarked for the equestrian events has turned out to be a treasure trove of antiquities, including a temple to the love goddess Aphrodite, which experts say doubled as a bordello. Archaeologists say they've started nearly 20 separate digs on the site, about 15 kilometres southeast of central Athens. Architects, meanwhile, are being forced to continually redesign the venue since the widespread excavations began in January. The venue is still on schedule, according to project managers. But any more major discoveries, such as the ancient brothel, could put the timetable in jeopardy. Any problems at the site could spill over to other planned venues. The International Olympic Committee has warned Athens planners deadlines are now so tight that even small delays could have serious consequences on the quality of the games. The IOC plans its next full inspection visit next month. The 2,500-year-old Aphrodite temple complex is significant as one of the few examples in the Athens area of activities associated with the love deity. Archaeologists have found ruins believed to be baths and massage rooms. "It was not only a spiritual place, but also one of carnal pleasures," said archaeologist Michalis Sklavos, who is taking part in the excavations. "The priestesses offered extra love to the visitors." The digs also have uncovered agricultural dwellings from the 4th century BC and Mycenaean tombs dating back 3,600 years. The finds could help provide more clues about rural life outside ancient Athens," he said. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. 'You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore.' 'I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 'I haven't had a single qualm since.' 'A thousand a week!' said Doug. 'How are you going to pay him?' 'That's his problem.' ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] R Y D E R R E D H A N D E D [||||] Prosecutors in LA have released an hour long surveillance video starring Winona Ryder shoplifting $5000 worth of fem duds and baubles from the Beverly Hills posh threadery Saks Fifth Avenue. (LA Times) The title song "Sticky Fingers," written and performed by Elton John, will be released on CD next week. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and she asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." She said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� New Remote... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.453 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.453 Money is tight... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.454 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.6.454 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How can a bartender tell which men like Moose Head? They're the ones with antler marks on their hips. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Please Sir, May I Have Some More by Erik Deckers Betty: Hello and welcome to yet another WPTV public television membership drive. My name is Betty Snodgrass, and I'm joined by my colleague, Earl Harshbarger. We're here to ask for your support for public television. We only come to you three times a year, or whenever those Sesame Street leeches hit us up for another $20,000 because they've fallen behind on Barney the Purple Dinosaur's "protection money." Earl: But this isn't one of those times, is it Betty? Betty: No it isn't, Earl. This time we're coming to you during one of our regularly scheduled membership drives. Although our critics in Congress call this our "Begging Time," a membership drive is when we drive our members crazy by suspending our regular programming, including the surprise ending to last week's Mystery, and ask you to make another donation to this station. Our goal is to raise $10,000 during tonight's programming, and with your help, we know we can meet it! Earl: And even though we'll come to you 63 times each night for the next eight weeks and ask you for money over and over, we invite our viewers to tune in tomorrow night when we'll have a very special treat for you. Betty: That's right Earl. Despite the fact that thousands of you have told us we've been running this whole Irish thing into the ground, tomorrow night we'll be showing Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance, The Making of Lord of the Dance, and The Making of The Making of Lord of the Dance. After that you'll see A Day In The Life of Michael Flatley, then The Making of A Day In The Life of Michael Flatley, followed by A Making of Michael Flatley's Tap Shoes. Then we'll finish the evening with a special 30 minute film that Michael Flatley made with a hidden camera in the women's dressing room at a Lord of the Dance performance, set to traditional Irish music with tap shoe sound effects. Earl: Sounds exciting Betty! I know everyone loved it when we first showed Riverdance six years ago, so it stands to reason that everyone will love it even more when we show nothing but Irish-related programming for hours and hours and hours. Betty: And we promise to only interrupt every 4 minutes, or right before a show gets interesting. Earl: But before we start tonight's programs, we here at WPTV would like to apologize for last night's . . . unfortunate incident. We offer our sincerest condolences to the victims and survivors of the Sewing With Nancy live studio broadcast. Betty: We never realized she was carrying so much pent-up rage, or that a three-hour show on quilting could end in so much carnage. Earl: All of us at WPTV are praying for you. Betty: Now it's important to remember that a large portion of our funding comes from you, the viewers. Nearly 17 percent of all funding comes from government support and foundation grants. The remaining 83 percent comes from private and corporate donations. Of course, of that 83 percent, only 5 percent of it comes from you the viewer, while the rest comes from wealthy corporations and people with more money than God. And that's why we run five minute long "underwriting messages" even though they're really commercials and everyone knows it! But since you little peasants only pay for 5% of my total salary, you can all just kiss my -- oh my, did I say that out loud? Earl: I'm afraid you did, Betty. You'd better take your pills. Betty: That's a good idea Earl. I'll get my medication, which is underwritten by the fine folks at Bio-Calm. Remember, when the voices in your head start telling you that Ray Suarez from "The Newshour with Jim Lehrer" wants you to kill everyone in the control booth, it's time to talk to the fine folks at Bio-Calm. Yes, Bio-Calm, making the workplace safe for public television professionals and postal workers for 23 years. Earl: But joining WPTV has more benefits than just great programming. If you make a pledge to WPTV, we'll send you a thank you gift along with your membership information. Betty: If you pledge at the $60 level, you will receive the Dean Johnson and Robin Hartl Hometime salt and pepper shakers. At the $90 level, you can choose between a WPTV soup bowl or a WPTV soup spoon. And at the $120 level, you can receive both the bowl AND the spoon. And for those of you who have more money than you can reasonably spend, if you pledge at the $300 level, we'll send you a piece of paper that Michael Flatley stepped on in a parking lot last winter. Earl: But without further ado, let's get started with tonight's special WPTV membership drive programming: a six hour Red Green marathon! (All phones begin ringing immediately). Earl: It looks like Ralph, one of our phone volunteers is trying to get my attention. What's that, Ralph? You say you've got eight different callers who will each pledge $50,000 if we cancel the Red Green marathon right now? Betty: Well folks, it looks like we've come to end of another great night of fun and pledging at WPTV. Remember to support your local public television station, and keep your stick on the ice! -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Naughty-amateur.com <a href="http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique Peemasters.com <a href="http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique Perfectorgy.com <a href="http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique Pornwannabe.com <a href="http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique Secretfetish.com <a href="http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique Soapboys.com <a href="http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique Sweetcherrys.com <a href="http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique Teenfactory.com <a href="http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique Upskirtschool.com <a href="http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique xxxtryouts.com <a href="http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique More adult sites: www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------------EZINE RESOURCES--------------------��� These are the location of some of the best ezines on the net... if you like mine...check out some of these others: Get anything from Astrology to Zebras for FREE! 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If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! 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