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I have read TROM multiple times and listened to all of Dennis's tapes (which I greatly enjoy, the guy is a genius on some level). I hear the words 'a person wearing a dress' in my sleep sometimes! :)
My trouble is that whenever I start, I just can't seem to run anything. Part of the problem is that I have very little free time, and what free time I do have, I seem to spend half comatose recovering from my job. It's quite a trap, good money, but not quite enough, I've been chasing my tail for 13 years..(though it has its high points). What happens whenever I start doing RI or level 2 or whatever, is that I look into my mind, and there is just nothing coherent there. It's like a basement closet, full of discarded rubbish that I just can't bring myself to sort though, don't really care about, and just want to set fire to. So I end up pushing the closet door shut again, turning the TV on, and watching CSI. The point is, I want to short circuit this whole game. I would gladly go through a week of hell to get clear in a week. I had some natural abilities in my early life which I have to some extent been able to reawaken as a result of cognitions while reading the TROM material, Filbert, Lkin and others (and Hubbard of course). I seem to be able to manage zazen for short periods, I have intimate knowledge of my bedroom wall. But I don't have the outflowing compassion needed for buddhism. In fact the whole idea of compassion seems to me to be arbitrary, contrived, an attempt to control people. It's a scam. I feel like I'm close, but do I care about Nirvana? Not really. I want my native abilities back and I want them now. I postulate that I have them, that I am clear and I get some key out for a while, but I can't seem to stop PT crap pouring in. It's 2 steps forward and 1, sometimes 2 steps back. What's so great about present time anyway? If I want to operate in the past, or the future, surely that is my choice. I listened to PON, much as I think Tolle probably had a great experience, he is preachy and limited in outlook, totally obsessed with the GE, not being able to distinguish it from himself. There must be a quick and dirty way to do this. Maybe if I zap my brain with 240 volts:) I want to short circuit this whole 'game'. I am not suited to internal reflection, I am action orientated, ex-military (reserves now). I get no enjoyment out of running procedures on myself, I don't seem to have any interest in my engrams, why I do what I do etc. I know I won't care about my original or primal goals or whatever they are. I have the strong feeling that I've been there and done that, many many times over. Now I just want to do my own thing. Fully self and pan determine my lives from here on in. I guess one of my big goals is exteriorization under full control. Simply because I believe it will help me make the right choices in the Bardo. I don't want to come back a clean slate and have to go through all this crap again! Especially not on this forsaken prison planet! Does anyone know of the mother of all (solo) processes that can be run without a meter? Or some really good exteriorization drills that really work? Sorry for the verbage and rambling! Best Regards, J
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