Hi Guy,
I see your point that reading people and overall the situation at hand is
helpful. You touch on the point of listening .... I think if you read the
person and know there history ....you might be able to get to a point of
understanding ( but not excusing ) their behavior . I like what you wrote about
the children , I think Ive heard something similar ...Reasoning with a 2 year
old with patience , reassuring , listening --that would be great to apply it to
confrontations . If only I can remember everything you wrote when its
happening !!!!! LOL . Thanks for being so helpful. Namaste- Allison
ventouxboy <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
--- I think I might be able to help you here, but it's a difficult
question with a complex answer. By in large, I find that people who
come at me in an upset or confrontational way can be disarmed by
simply acknowledging them, listening to what they have to say. Most
people just want to be heard, listening gives them the perception
you take them seriously(although that may not be the case) and
begins to bridge the gap.
Once you understand where they're coming from, begin to explain
your point of view. Be gentle and understanding, assertiveness can
be applied sometimes, but it depends on the situation. You have to
be aware or the other persons feelings and reasses them continually.
If you say something they reel from, back off and reassure. It's
like treating them like children without giving them the sense
you're being condescending.
From there, start trying to resolve the problem. Be willing to
make the first concessions(hopefully it will be percieved as
goodwill rather than weakness), but only as far as they are willing
also.
Now, as for people who keep the conflict up after that.
Initially, I'll try and start redirecting the conversation to what
will solve the problem. If they persist in being negative and
confrontational, their problem is a much deeper psychosis. I accept
at that point I cannot help them, they can only help themselves; but
I will remove myself from the situation, no point in letting them
beat me up.
One important point in all of this is to remained composed,
centered. Never let them see you upset as it could be used to
restart the fire. How does one do this? By remaining objective and
leaving emotion and ego on the side.
To respond to your initial question of finding a balance point, I
would ask myself "will this help or exacerbate the problem".
Sometimes being confrontational can be desirable, but only if it
serves to resolve the problem.
Also, you bring up questions as how this pertains to several
different situations. It is relative to the degree this person is
involved in your life. Bosses and mother in laws are unavoidable and
I would think desirable to resolve the conflict; a person in line is
only in your life right now, personally, I would just ignore them
and remain composed. Their anger remains theirs, don't accept
the "gift".
I hope this is helpful, it feels rather hamhanded to me and I
don't feel it's totally complete, there are nuances that I'm not
sure how to explain that pertain to "reading" people; experience may
be the only teacher in that. Peace, Guy.
any In [email protected], "nypd25838" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
> Im wondering how one finds the balance between assertiveness and
> speaking the truth of how you feel( where the other person will
> become defensive and feel judged ) ... vs. remaining unaffected
when
> someone offends you and trying to let it pass through you .( And
> then the offending keeps representing itself in different ways
over
> and over again. So, if you are trying to practice right speech
and
> the other person you are communicating with has no regard for
being
> truthful ...how are you supposed to remain composed and what is
the
> mindset as far as why this person would act so insulting . I mean
do
> you give compassion to this person. How do you neutralize
situations
> like this in all forms of relationships whether it be a boss with
a
> huge ego or a stranger who tells you off because he thinks you cut
> him off in line ...to the more personal with family members like
the
> intrusive mother in law .This is a obstacle for me and I welcome
all
> thoughts or answers to this . I think if I can figure this out it
> will solve a lot for me.
Noble Eightfold Path: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action,
Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration, Right Livelihood
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
document.write('');
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZenForum/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail - Easier than ever with enhanced search. Learn more.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
In low income neighborhoods, 84% do not own computers.
At Network for Good, help bridge the Digital Divide!
http://us.click.yahoo.com/hjtSRD/3MnJAA/i1hLAA/S27xlB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Noble Eightfold Path: Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action,
Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration, Right Livelihood
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZenForum/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
