RE: Need encouragement, PLEASE

[Chris]

Guilt should not even be in your vocabulary!!!!  My guess is that she is not too far away… and it sure sounds like she’s coming back to snooze at night….  As for the word ‘feral’—well, I absolutely hate that word—to me, its an automatic sentence of death to a cat who just may have become too scared to ever trust another human!  I think if you just keep doing what you’re doing you might see her soon…  She may have not liked being confined but she sure liked the food/company etc….. that I think is in your favor….   Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:58 PM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Need encouragement, PLEASE   Dear List, I am feeling VERY downtrodden & blue.  I don't know what to do, where to turn.  I FEEL SO OVER-RIDDEN w/ guilt, I can't stop crying.....   It's a long story, I will try to condense. Kerry is a little familiar as she is also on the Four Paws Feral list, and also I have mentioned "Charity's" store on this list. (Although she is FELV-)   Early in July, some cruel, a**hole dumped a box under my neighbor's bushes which contained a young Mama & 2, 5 week old kittens. Needless to say, since the box was NOT secure, Mama escaped, (apparently to try to find her way "HOME" to the low-lifes that dumped her! I can not, nor will I EVER be able to understand the love & dedication an innocent baby will demonstrate toward the sc*m that abused her!!!)   Anyway, I took the babies in, since they needed to be bottle fed & would have died if left to the elements, or predators. Several days later, I noticed the poor, bedraggled Mama had made it back, looking for her babies, & was hanging out down by the barn. I immediately got a Hav-A-Heart trap, and had her in less than 10 minutes. She was dirty, starved...broke my heart. But, it did not break her spirit!!! On moving her from trap to crate, she somehow got hold of my hand & BIT me down to bone. OUCH!! But, how could I blame her??? Poor thing, dumped like garbage along w/ her babies.... No wonder she had NO trust of people. So, wound cleaned up, I transfered her to crate & made imm. arrangements for exam, vx's, testing & spay. I named her "Charity".   She tested negative, YEAH!!!  Rec'd vx.'s (all BUT FELV, the low cost clinic does NOT vx against Felv as part of their low cost program) & was spayed. I set her up in a large crate in barn, working daily w/ her to win her over. What an ordeal....it was almost comical at times. (Except for the times she nailed me!!) But, I did NOT give up and w/ advice & encouragement from several people exp. w/ ferals, I kept at it. I got several long, plumey feathers to stroke her with, and I SWEAR, she enjoyed the touch.  Often, I would catch a glimpse of her w/ her head tilted back, eyes closed, could almost "hear" her saying, "Awwww, that feels mah-ve;lus Dah-ling, keep it up!"   As the weeks, months passed, she'd venture to front of crate, just to sit & "observe" my every move". She was beginning to trust me at last......   Finally, last week, she'd allow me to present her food, right to her as she "lounged" in her sherpa lined bed at the back of her "digs". She'd actually nibble as I still held bowl... Things were looking up for sure. There was NO MORE FEAR IN HER EYES!!!  SHE TRUSTED ME! I HAD MADE A FRIEND!!!!!   However, Wednesday evening, despite all as usual, she BOLTED out of the crate and made a bee-line for the small opening near the far end of the barn.... She literally SQUEEZED her small body thru the crack & was GONE!!!   Immediately, I ran out, but there was NO sight of her!! I am sick! Now, she HAS been confined to barn area foer OVER a month, so I know she has a "feeling" it is "HOME".   That nite, I left the door slightly ajar, along w/ food, water & her favorite ~ chicken. I then placed her bed next to the food. It has a godish~yellow corduroy cushion, which had just been laundered. (This was the cushion she had used when I first realized shw was seeking shelter in the barn. At that time there were tell-tale signs of grey hair.)   Yesterday morning, I noticed that there were the tell-tale grey hairs on the cushion, the water had been sipped & the dry food was scattered a little over the placemat, as if she'd been nibbling. BUT THE CHICKEN HAD NOT been touched at all!!!   Had she come back, ate, drank & napped and took off again??? I scoured the neighborhood, speaking to neighbors, and strangers, put up signs, BUT NO ONE HAS SEEN HER!! Many look at me like I am crazy when I explain she is "feral". One even went so far as to tell me that she is 'better off" on the run!! (Oh, it is so hard to LIKE people!!!)   I am sick!!!  Did I let this girl down??? I did all I could....she was actually starting to TRUST ME!! OR, was she "playing me", just waiting for the right moment to escape???   Any ideas, suggestions? Should I attempt to re-trap??? (BUT IT WAS SO,SO EVIDENT SHE HATED BEING CAGED, TRAPPED LIKE THAT!!!   I live near a VERY busy road.... So far, I have been too frightened to search the roads,,,   Oh, what do I do? Please help. MY HEART IS BROKEN WITH GRIEF & GUILT.   Patti