dearest rosie,
first you let go, and then you cope. it takes TIME. the pain seems to go and
then it comes back. it's a spiral. each time the pain is less sharp and the
feeling of well being more encompassing. the key element is to first let go.
there are no recipes, and it is the hardest thing part of all. there is no
medication for this because it is not a disease. it is the normal reaction
of a healthy person who is grieving.
talk about it but don't let the topic become an obsession or a way to cover
up the real pain. the pain has to burn itself down to ashes and for that you
have to feel it when it comes and goes. be aware of all the little tricks
that you'll play yourself in order to avoid the pain. do not sugar it,
intellectualize it or distort it into guilt, daydreaming or escape routines.
you have to live with this pain and all its horror until the natural process
has come to an end. it's almost like a bad cold. only you learn very little
about yourself from bad colds, while these events in our lives are the
sources of the most profound self-examination and learning. when your life
together with someone else comes to an end, your life also comes to an end.
rebirth and newness can occur only when you have distilled out of your body,
system, soul, heart, mind, you name it, every atom of your previous life.
what must remain will stay of its own accord. death is total but death is
not final.
in short, do NOTHING. devote yourself to the practical aspects of life, the
things that you can and must control. stay away from substances that might
give you temporary oblivion but that will only delay the effects of the
blow. absorb the impact and be patient. if this change has come to your
life, it is because your life will be better. death and rebirth in one's own
lifetime is a gift that not everybody is given.
i know the pain, the sense of futility, the ego wound, the black and empty
days ahead. all the symptoms. i've gone through it and i'm going through it
as i write (had fate been different, i would have had my commitment ceremony
with alberto two days ago, and here i am, always a bridesmaid...) and yet, i
can tell you all these things because i believe them, because they have
happened to me and because they are natural.
welcome change, however deeply it may hurt. it means that you are slowly
getting ready for something special.
all my love,
wallyK
