From: "Christian Seberino" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Well thanks for your honesty. If you also allow your wife to leave you if
she finds some characteristic in you or a condition she doesn't like then
it sounds like you are being consistent. I hope she doesn't have bad
pizza someday and decide to leave you for some flimsy reason. And I
assume if we asked her she'd agree that's the deal?...that she isn't
assuming you'll stick around if you find something displeasing in her?
You know, I think this post perfectly shows your problems in this
conversation. You look at everything in terms of absolutes. You must be
absolutely committed, or not committed at all.
The real world isn't like that. Its full of shades of gray. There are
different levels of commitment. I'm committed to my video game guild- I
play with them, I sacrifice my time and effort for my teammates, and they do
the same for me. But if the leadership was to decide to screw over the
guild somehow, I'd leave. If the guild goes on to play a game I hate, I
won't play. If in a year from now my playstyle no longer matches the
guilds, I'll quietly leave. Now does this mean I'm not committed to the
guild? Nope, I am and I spend a great deal of time helping my guildmates
achieve their in game goals.
I'm also committed to my family. If my mother was to call me and tell me it
was important, I'd ditch my gaming guild in a second. Am I not committed?
Nope, I still am, but other priorities overrode that commitment.
Its the same thing in relationships. Commitment does not have to, and
usually does not mean you're committed until the end of eternity. The idea
that it does is quite frankly stupid- to make that kind of commitment both
people would need to be static entities- to never change, to never grow.
Noone can make that type of commitment, because a promise to never change is
not one a person can honestly make- we can't control how circumstances
shape us.
Between the poles of 0 commitment and the impossible total commitment is a
huge range of possibilities. Relationships can work at any of these points-
from the casual relationship that has no ties beyond the moment, to
lasting relationships where great efforts are made to try and grow in the
same direction, rather than apart. Nor do relationships stay at the same
level- they all start out on the 0 commitment side, and slide up and down
the scale over the life of the relationship.
THe world isn't black and white. It isn't total or nothing. Different
people are happy with different levels of commitment, and capable of working
at that level. You obviously want a level near total. Thats great, wait
for that level. You have every right to. Don't expect everyone else to,
the vast majority of people don't need that level, and many don't want it.
The level you expect to have would quite frankly scare me, it would require
one or both people to subjugate their personality to the relationship.
Thats neither healthy nor good for the relationship- the very act of doing
so changes the person into someone other than who you chose.
Gabe
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