Re: I killed Grayson
TonyaI am so sorry. You have been through so much. Please don't blame yourself. Both of these babies at least got to leave this world loved cared for. Both Grayson his brother know that.Take care. Yvonne
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya dearest, someone else said it already I think, but from everything I know about you from our beloved list, the only thing you personally could ever smother a cat with is pure unadulterated love. I could imagine many of us including myself reacting in grief the way you are doing---totally beating yourself up--but it's simply not justified. You are the best friend a little soul like Grayson could ever have. You are the best. I'm glad Grayson found you, and knew what it was to be loved in his short life, and I wish there were more like you in this world. much love and big hugs to you, dear Tonya. Kerry. - Original Message - From: catatonya To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 4:58 AM Subject: I killed Grayson I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
I add my prayers for your emotional healing and gratitude for what you did for Grayson and his brother.Ginacatatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonyaNo heaven wil not ever Heaven be Unless my cats are there to welcome me.--epitaph in a pet cemetery Tiggertales ~ a site about our beloved felines Yahoo! Music Unlimited - Access over 1 million songs. Try it free.
Re: I killed Grayson
Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you, N. catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya please don't say that you killed him,you did so much more for him than than anyone could have.catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messengers low PC-to-Phone call rates.
Re: I killed Grayson
Oh Tonya, I'm so sorry Grayson has gone to be with his brother. Kittens are so very fragile sometimes. I'm sure he's being cared for now by Brenda and all our other angels. Kat (Mew Jersey) On Tue, 18 Jul 2006, catatonya wrote: Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 02:58:42 -0700 (PDT) From: catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] Reply-To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: I killed Grayson I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, kittens that young just die sometimes. You have no idea why he died. When I was young we tried to save a baby rabbit who had been pulled from the nest by a dog, uninjured; we bottle fed him, kept him warm, etc. and he seemed fine for 3 days. Then when my mom went to feed him in the night on the third night he was dead. He was not in bed with us. He just died, because he was too young to be away from a mother and just did not make it, like the tabby did not make it. Unless there is physical evidence of it, I do not think you should assume you smothered him, and to be honest I really doubt that is what happened. Whatever happened, I am so sorry, for him and for you. Michelle In a message dated 7/18/2006 5:59:28 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Grayson left this world because it was his time to leave. He left loved and cared for, not abandoned or gassed or cold or frightened. In all likelihood he simply left in his sleep. You gave him the ability to leave this world by giving him comfort. It takes energy to leave. He needed to and you did nothing wrong. You did not kill him. He and his brother are grateful to you for rescuing them from what would have been a horrible death. And giving them a wonderful, although very short, life. If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow man. St. Francis - Original Message - From: catatonya To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 4:58 AM Subject: I killed Grayson I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition.Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.10.1/389 - Release Date: 7/14/2006
Re: I killed Grayson
You didn't kill him. Kittens die suddenly despite our best efforts and there is nothing we can do. He died knowing he was loved. That makes a difference. - Original Message - From: catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] Date: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 4:59 am Subject: I killed Grayson To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org felvtalk@felineleukemia.org I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, In no way did you do anything to harm sweet little Grayson. He had surely already passed when you woke up and found him lower and like Nina said you weren't smothering him in any way. His mission in this life was short, to come in, know despair, then amazing love and caring (when you took him in) and to show you that no matter how burned out, fed up or hopeless you feel, your good heart will always be there for an animal in need. You are much stronger than you think. All things happen for a reason and I know how difficult that is to accept sometimes. Being mere humans we always think we must control everything around us, but that is not always going to be the case, we are only one of the smallest parts of this universe and all in it. My prayers are with you ... -- Belinda happiness is being owned by cats ... Be-Mi-Kitties http://bemikitties.com Post Adoptable FeLV/FIV/FIP Cats/Kittens http://adopt.bemikitties.com FeLV Candlelight Service http://bemikitties.com/cls HostDesign4U.com [affordable hosting web design] http://HostDesign4U.com BMK Designs [non-profit animals websites] http://bmk.bemikitties.com
Re: I killed Grayson
Nina couldn't have said it any better. You didn't kill Grayson. You were helping him and loving him. Don't blame yourself, he passed in the best way possible- being held and loved! Chris - Original Message - From: Nina [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 6:17 AM Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing.
RE: I killed Grayson
Tonya -- Just joining in the chorus here. You have no cause to blame yourself. Please take comfort in knowing Grayson died knowing love. So many don't even have that chance. Gentle Bridge vibes for Grayson and his brother. Diane R. This electronic mail transmission and any attachments are confidential and may be privileged. They should be read or retained only by the intended recipient. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the transmission from your system. In addition, in order to comply with Treasury Circular 230, we are required to inform you that unless we have specifically stated to the contrary in writing, any advice we provide in this email or any attachment concerning federal tax issues or submissions is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, to avoid federal tax penalties.
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, Please don't think that! Grayson had a couple of days being fed, cuddled, and loved - something his own mother couldn't do for him. Without you he would have died alone in an abandoned house. Looking back at your posts it is obvious to see that he was not a healthy kitten to begin with. You will never know what he died of, but of all of the possibilities I can't imagine that anything you did caused his death. Please take good care of yourself and try to feel good about the few days he was fortunate enough to have had you in his life. Maggie
RE: I killed Grayson
Tonya, I dont believe that you killed himkittens, no matter how small, contend with the pile of kittens when they all nuzzle against their mom and when mom moves around.. They do get around more then you think. It was an uphill battle with Graysonhe was so very young. You did the very best for him and he died nuzzled up against a warm caring being who loved himfor that you should feel good. Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of catatonya Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 5:59 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: I killed Grayson I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. tNina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
I did kill him though. He was doing so well. I just feel horrible.tSherry DeHaan [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Tonya please don't say that you killed him,you did so much more for him than than anyone could have.catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messengers low PC-to-Phone call rates.
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya hon...cats don't "smother" easily. If you had, I would assume there would be claw marks up one side of you ...or the sheets would be shredded. Isn't there the chance that he just passed peacefully in his sleep?I was to adopt a cat last spring. One week before I was to get him, he fell out a window into a pack of dogs (don't ask...an oversight at his foster home)...but the vet gave him a clean bill of health after keeping him two days for observation. Then three nights before I was to pick him up, Carruthers passed, quietly and without any fuss or signs of distress curled up in a favorite chair. Sometimes a blod clot or anerism can take them without any notice, esp. a leukemia cat.Please don't beat yourself up about it...if you can. If you absolutely need to know, a vet can give you peace of mind...even now. God Bless Girl! Hang in there.Tcatatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya Groups are talking. Were listening. Check out the handy changes to Yahoo! Groups.
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya!If wishin' could kill someone...there'd be a hell of a lot of corpses layin' around...esp... in the work places!catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. tNina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya Do you Yahoo!? Next-gen email? Have it all with the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
RE: I killed Grayson
Dear, if it were that easy there would be a lot more dead ex-SOs, in-laws, bosses, mortgages and teenagers. Wishing does not, despite what Disney says and despite what you think your subconscious did, make it so. He died because he just did, is all. Diane R. From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of catatonyaSent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10:00 AMTo: felvtalk@felineleukemia.orgSubject: Re: I killed Grayson Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. tNina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya This electronic mail transmission and any attachments are confidential and may be privileged. They should be read or retained only by the intended recipient. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the transmission from your system. In addition, in order to comply with Treasury Circular 230, we are required to inform you that unless we have specifically stated to the contrary in writing, any advice we provide in this email or any attachment concerning federal tax issues or submissions is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, to avoid federal tax penalties.
RE: I killed Grayson
PLEASE dont think that!!! Its just not true!! Of course you were worried about bringing in another catall of us would have wished we didnt have the problem. I have a feeling you hit it on the head in your very first e-mailMom cats somehow sense which kitties might not make it and sort of push them awaythats just the way Nature works. TonyaI know people who care for newborn kitties and the mortality rate is phenomally highmost just dont make it when theyre that young! Its an exhausting frustrating and oftentimes disappointing job! Youre tired and angry and feel bad that they both died. Thats OK but its absolutely not your fault! Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of catatonya Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:00 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. t Nina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. >From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you, N. catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
RE: I killed Grayson
It just is. When I woke up and he wasn't at my neck I turned on the light to find him down beside me. I just moved him back up to his place since he seemed to be sleeping. I was groggy and tired and just didn't even think to check to see that he was alright. I might could have done something at that point. I don't know.I'm going to bury Grayson and the tiny tabby together this afternoon and plant an azalea for them.tChris [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:PLEASE dont think that!!! Its just not true!! Of course you were worried about bringing in another catall of us would have wished we didnt have the problem. I have a feeling you hit it on the head in your very first e-mailMom cats somehow sense which kitties might not make it and sort of push them away thats just the way Nature works. TonyaI know people who care for newborn kitties and the mortality rate is phenomally highmost just dont make it when theyre that young! Its an exhausting frustrating and oftentimes disappointing job! Youre tired and angry and feel bad that they both died. Thats OK but its absolutely not your fault! Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] -Original Message-From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of catatonyaSent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:00 AMTo: felvtalk@felineleukemia.orgSubject: Re: I killed Grayson Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. tNina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
RE: I killed Grayson
Sleep soft, dear Grayson and your tiny tabby brother too. On Tue, 18 Jul 2006, catatonya wrote: Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 08:27:15 -0700 (PDT) From: catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] Reply-To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: RE: I killed Grayson It just is. When I woke up and he wasn't at my neck I turned on the light to find him down beside me. I just moved him back up to his place since he seemed to be sleeping. I was groggy and tired and just didn't even think to check to see that he was alright. I might could have done something at that point. I don't know. I'm going to bury Grayson and the tiny tabby together this afternoon and plant an azalea for them. t Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: PLEASE don?t think that!!! Its just not true!! Of course you were worried about bringing in another cat?all of us would have ?wished? we didn?t have the problem. I have a feeling you hit it on the head in your very first e-mail?Mom cats somehow sense which kitties might not make it and sort of push them away?that?s just the way Nature works. Tonya?I know people who care for newborn kitties and the mortality rate is phenomally high?most just don?t make it when they?re that young! Its an exhausting frustrating and oftentimes disappointing job! You?re tired and angry and feel bad that they both died. That?s OK but its absolutely not your fault! Chris [EMAIL PROTECTED] -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of catatonya Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:00 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. t Nina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you, N. catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
RE: I killed Grayson
Tonya, I'm so sorry. I worry about that sometimes. One of my sick dogs rested her head on my dangling computer cables and died. I felt awful, like I needed to have her in a perfect room with no dangers. My dear beloved kitty Jacques, back in the early 1990's, was in the process of dying, and I left him on my back deck. I had to get some sleep. He looped himself over the bars of the gate and died, I think suffocated. I just had an older rescue kitten die the other night - I just came into the room and he was lying there. Why hadn't I seen it? He seemed so healthy. But something was wrong, I just don't know what. They're so fragile sometimes, it's hard to be there every minute and keep them safe and alive. But our intention is to help, so if they died in our hands, it wasn't because of bad intention - we just don't always have the energy and capacity to help them perfectly. Blessings, Gloria I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
RE: I killed Grayson
Tonya..I am so sorry for Grayson's passing I just wanted to tell you I know exactly how you feel... as far as I am concerned most of the kitties who passed away under my care.. they died because of me.. I killed them.. not necessary directly (and of course, and not intentionally) all the time.. but I feel that I am responsible.. I know that it's not a good place for us to be.. but I can't help thinking that way.. What helps me to think though it that there is a life after their passing.. so Grayson's soul continues to live.. he is just out of the body he was in previously... almost 100% kitties that my AC talked to after them passing.. they are so much happier and feeling better that they are out of their body.. because they feel so much freedom and energized.. I know that it's hard for us not to be able to hold them..but they are free..and feeling no pain.. Hideyo -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Nina Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 4:18 AM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you, N. catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya
Re: I killed Grayson
Oh Tonya, everything that Nina said! I am so so sorry. We all know you and love you and it's OK to be sad about his passing, but please don't feel guilty.Nina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonyaBarb+Smoky the House Puma+El Bandito Malito"My cat the clown: paying no mind to whom he should impress. Merely living his life, doing what pleases him, and making me smile."- Anonymous Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, Oh sweetie, it wasn't your fault! Kittens can be so fragile and their mortality rate can seem so high. I just found outSunday what happened to 4 of the kittens I had at time of my accident. I had a beautiful, long haired mama and her 5 kittens when I had my accident. They all seemed healthy, tested negative for Felv and were doing great.Then, I go out damn near kill myself leaving a houseful of babies and my ferals and an orphaned bunny I rescued. Thank heavens Dennis was aware that the mama and her babies needed special attention and called one of my friends to come get them. And, she did, right away. Well, I am just able to figure out "how" to dial a phone, so I called her over the weekend. She did not want to add to my down mood, but after me not giving up, told me that 4 of the babies died! (Mama and surviving kitten just got a clean bill of health from vet. But, even after necropsy on one of the babies, the vet had NO answer!) Death happens, that is a sad fact. At least Grayson knew true love when he passed. Hugs, Patti
RE: I killed Grayson
Oh, Tonya, a truth to hold to right now is that Grayson snuggled into your loving heart for a short time and of course you deeply mourn his passing he was not an just another kitty to care for. He may have been facing months and years of medicines, pain and limitations. His lack of immunity might have contributed to his death. But he is free of pain, now, and has crossed the bridge...I sent a little prayer message up to my sweet Sam to look for a very new soul and welcome him to the peaceful meadows Please, please know that I am putting my arms around you from a distanceYou did not kill Grayson, no, you did not. Helene __ NOD32 1.1430 (20060304) Information __ This message was checked by NOD32 Antivirus System. http://www.nod32.com
Re: I killed Grayson
Please don't think that. If you had deliberately set out to harm that dear one - then you might have cause to take blame. Blaming yourself in this case simply isn't appropriate. It is obvious to me that you cared very much and you made his short time here the very best that it could possibly be. I think you are wonderful - and thank you for caring for that precious creature. I'm so sorry for your loss. elizabeth -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 4:58 AM Subject: I killed Grayson I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Re: I killed Grayson
oh, my dearest dear: i know you can't hear all of us right now, but believe what we're all telling you: you did NOT kill grayson, you gifted him with warmth and food and safety and love. and THAT'S the only thing you smothered him with. please be gentle with yourself, and know that your role was to give him a couple of days of memories of being loved; that that was what he needed in order to continue on his journey. he wasn't crying to be fed, because his little spirit had received the real nourishment he'd been needing--your love. please be gentle with yourself. MC On 7/18/06, catatonya [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. t Nina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you, N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya -- MaryChristineAIM / YAHOO: TenHouseCatsMSN: [EMAIL PROTECTED]ICQ: 289856892
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, You did not kill "Grayson" sometimes we can not control what god has planned for our furbabies. Grayson and his sibling were loved and you did more than anyone else would have done for them at the time of need. He has gone to be with his sibling to a placewhere he canbe whole again. Please don't beat yourself up over this! Your in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless You for your rescue efforts! Terrie Mohr-ForkerTAZZY'S ANIMAL TRANSPORTSSIAMESE COLLIE RESCUEOwner/DriverCheck sites for available Siameses for adoption!http://www.tazzys-siameses-collies.petfinder.org/Click Here to Join WASHINGTON SIAMESE RESCUE Yahoo Group!http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wasiameserescuehttp://groups.yahoo.com/group/SNOHOMISH_COUNTY_PETS_in_WAhttp://hometown.aol.com/tatorbunz/index.htmlhttp://hometown.aol.com/tatorbunz/myhomepage/petmemorial.htmlPetfinder.comAdopt a Homeless Pet!http://www.petfinder.com/http://www.felineleukemia.org/http://www.petloss.com/TAZZY'S ANIMAL TRANSPORTShttps://www.paypal.com/http://www.frappr.com/wasiameserescue
Re: I killed Grayson
Tonya, I am so sorry to hear about lil Grayson.. We all know how you feel, but you didn't kill him..we all can "what if" ourselves to no end..I have done that many times, too..And I guess we never really know..You did give him love and care for the short time he was here and he knew that..I think that is an important thing, but I know it won't make it any easier for you right now..I raised Buffy, Muffy and Angel Snoopy on the bottle as their mom passed 45 min after they were born...It is (I think) much easier with puppies than kittens..but still a very hard thing to do... Just remember you loved him and he knew that..and he wasn't alone.. Our thoughts and prayers are with you! Kerry, Bandy, Inky, Angels Buster, Lil Rascal and Snoopy How low will we go? Check out Yahoo! Messengers low PC-to-Phone call rates.
Re: I killed Grayson
Hold everything. You are not God. You can not wish a being away. Each and everyone of us has wished we did not have a problem-- ask those of us who are sole caretakers of the elderly. We wish we didn't have the problem, not that the person was dead We are all telling you not to feel bad. Well, maybe you need to mourn the lose of two small, helplesskittens you cared enough to take in for a very few days and for whom you provided love and warmth and caring. Mourning is one thing. Guilt is frequently a part of that because we do not want to accept the fact that we can not control everything. People need to be in control. It is part of us. A not so good part at time. The Royal Princess Kitty Katt taught me a lot about relinquishing control and simply loving. Maybe that is what these two little souls were sent to do for you I am not preaching or trying to be hurtful. Just please know you are not in charge--especially with such small delicate souls. Their mother may well have known their fate. That is one of the cruel things about nature. The mother has to make decisions based on her reality. Humans try to change that reality..all of us who love critters do. Please calm yourself and ask these little ones to visit you. You will be surprised at the wisdom and love with which they are filled. And they will visit if you ask,probably in your dreams because that is when you are going to be more open. Take care. The angels are watching over you. If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow man. St. Francis - Original Message - From: catatonya To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 9:59 AM Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Thanks Nina, but I killed him. I know I did. And I know it's because I was so worried about bringing in another cat and 'wished' I didn't have that problem. So now I don't. I just feel horrible. tNina [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: Oh Honey, don't say that. You didn't kill Grayson. You didn't wake up on top of him, you woke up with him lower on your body and you moved him back up. There's no way you could possibly know he stopped breathing because you suffocated him, or because he simply stopped breathing. Even if you had inadvertently smothered him, you still didn't kill that baby. The state of the world is what killed that baby. You, my dear, saved him. I'm very sorry that he's gone, I can just imagine your shock and grief. I guess I should have been talking about how likely this outcome could be, but I wanted to think positively about his chances, and let's face it, no matter how prepared we are, we're never prepared enough. Please don't play the what if game with this. What if you had left him in the bathroom, covered with towels and a heating pad? What if he'd died alone in the bathroom and hadn't gotten the opportunity to see what it was liked to be cuddled and loved? You'd be kicking yourself harder than you are right now. No, you did everything right. From the moment you went back into that house, to when you took him to bed with you. No matter how sad I am about Grayson leaving us, I won't accept anything else. He was a little fighter with a heart big enough to cause people around the country to fall in love with him. The little guy has my undying love and all the tears he deserves, and so do you,N.catatonya wrote: I just woke and Grayson was dead. I think I smothered him. I think 2:30 was the last time he woke me up to be fed. I had him up by my neck but remember finding him sleeping down next to me at one point and moving him back up. I guess it didn't cross my mind at the time that he should have been screaming for food at that point. I just moved him back up higher on the bed and covered him in his little towel and fell back asleep. When I woke again I wondered why he hadn't cried yet or moved over to my neck. He was dead because I had killed him. tonya No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition.Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.10.1/390 - Release Date: 7/17/2006
Re: I killed Grayson
Amen. If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow man. St. Francis - Original Message - From: Belinda [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 7:50 AM Subject: Re: I killed Grayson Tonya, In no way did you do anything to harm sweet little Grayson. He had surely already passed when you woke up and found him lower and like Nina said you weren't smothering him in any way. His mission in this life was short, to come in, know despair, then amazing love and caring (when you took him in) and to show you that no matter how burned out, fed up or hopeless you feel, your good heart will always be there for an animal in need. You are much stronger than you think. All things happen for a reason and I know how difficult that is to accept sometimes. Being mere humans we always think we must control everything around us, but that is not always going to be the case, we are only one of the smallest parts of this universe and all in it. My prayers are with you ... -- Belinda happiness is being owned by cats ... Be-Mi-Kitties http://bemikitties.com Post Adoptable FeLV/FIV/FIP Cats/Kittens http://adopt.bemikitties.com FeLV Candlelight Service http://bemikitties.com/cls HostDesign4U.com [affordable hosting web design] http://HostDesign4U.com BMK Designs [non-profit animals websites] http://bmk.bemikitties.com -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.1.394 / Virus Database: 268.10.1/390 - Release Date: 7/17/2006
