The price of vanity???
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000
and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I
Fortunately I never had any problems with my MIL!! Problem is we all
probably become a MIL sometime or other.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,
BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE
THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely
I have seen some of these before but still find them amusing. I
particularly like the one about a self-made man. Know a few people like
that!!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
When Insults Had Class ...
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
Apologies for sending a joke back to lace-chat - jittery keyboard finger I
suppose!!
Jeanette Fischer.
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most
impressed by the resources available on Arachne! Always someone that knows
something to point you in the right direction.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
- Original Message -
From: Bev Walker [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To: Thurlow Weed [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Cc: lace-chat [EMAIL
text I can
understand but the Latin is Greek to me!!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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, the man
replied.
And where are your clothes? asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, Those little bastards!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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what it is because you're not a Monk..:)
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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season if we can't shoot at them?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
* Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Jeanette Fischer
Western Cape, South Africa
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I think this is rather safe as everybody gets insulted!! The South African
one is probably a bit close for comfort!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You
are surprised
the lawn.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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in politics and he is known as Pete Politics.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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A follow-on re Tamara's joke. In South Africa we are also a mixture of
everything and everybody talks to everybody. Every once in a while we give
offence as in the following story.
Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen , two Welshmen and two Irishmen are stranded on
a lonely island.
The two Scotsmen
Mr Fenton obviously does not like shopping!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment.
Re: Mr
For the Aussies on the list!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an Australian
engineer -- come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. I will give
each of you one wish which is three wishes total, says the Genie.
The Canadian
half-sister - never first-hand!
Spiders eat other insects and keep them under control. She kept the whole
audience enthralled for more than a hour.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lee ever wrong
Eyes have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer told me sew
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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by this poem you can ring the special diet helpline
on the following number: 808080028
(Ate Nothing, Ate Nothing, Ate Nothing, Nothing to Ate)!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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Joke 1:
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble. Every time
I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I
think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under.
days... and then 3 days... Finally on the 4th
day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said..
OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have
developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to
make to the
do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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Sometime back I posted a joke about scientific laws and lo and behold I got
this in my inbox tonight The message I received, follows the signature
and I have added the joke which confused the young man. He must have visited
the arachne archive for lace-chat.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean. As the romantic full moon rose, Huan Cho
said Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu.
Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon said Jung Lee
Native English speakers will probably never understand the trouble we
non-English speakers have with their language! The pronunciation of English
must be the most difficult on earth!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
(Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic
At 58 u stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68 if u take her to bed, that will be a story
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
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to the reach.
THEATRE RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
be the open front door... it could be the glass
at the bottom of the stairs... it could be the drops of blood trailing through
the house... it could be your bloodshot eyes. But, mostly, it's all those
Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running
condition, but walks well.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Jeanette
) on the
back but he did object to the self-raising on the front!!!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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Seeing that Tamara is not here to vet jokes, I am sending this to the list!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa.
Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies, he will be melted
down to make plastic toys.
So kids can play with him for a change.
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Apologies for the language but I thought it too true not for everyone to
see!!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa
Life is not a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
thoroughly used, totally worn
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?
The drunk replied, Cause you're ugly.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
_
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says
that, when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is
to
dismount.
However, in today's government and in big corporations, more advanced
strategies are often
employed, such as:
1..
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, After a worship service
at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother
with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally
got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you
don't be
This joke did the rounds 30+ years ago but the garment then was a step-in but
I suppose not many people know what that is any longer!! Jeanette Fischer,
Western Cape, South Africa
Two golfers are in the changing room after their 18-hole round. One of them
wears a bra.
When did you start
and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one
I'm going to marry.
She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.
That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?
I don't like her.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, April Fool!
And that's when I shot the little bastard.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa.
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TRUE bravery ...
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted
by your wife with a broom.
And asking ...
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere???
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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Personally, I have always been grateful that I was spared a child learning
the violin!!! My neighbour used to send her son over to practice in our
house when her nerves were a bit worn!!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, How long before I can get a
haircut?
The barber looks around the shop and says, About 2 hours.
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, How long
before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around at the
that
will protect them against TB. The main cause of death amongst AIDS patients
is TB.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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This is another old joke but I enjoyed it again. Jeanette Fischer,Western
Cape,South Africa.
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took
her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund
starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
I sincerely hope it never comes to this! I was unsubscribed for a few weeks
so belated New Year's wishes to you all.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
Ordering Pizza in 2015
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your...
Customer: Hi, I'd like to order.
Operator: May
A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it,
with red shoes would go past, one of the men invariably
said There goes a woman without a pantie on!!! That has stuck in my mind.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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Here is a variation on the theme of Bush's visit to the Queen.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
George W. Bush was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham
Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA.
As I'm the President said Bush, I'm thinking of changing
- Original Message -
From: Clay Blackwell [EMAIL PROTECTED]
We'll have roast Turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce,
smashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and the green-bean
casserole that has graced our holiday tables since I was a
child.
How is a green bean casserole prepared?
Jeanette Fischer
This story is similar to one doing the rounds in South Africa - what did
Zimbabwe use before candles ---electricity :-.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
Problems and solutions.
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the
pens wouldn't work
I have done silly things,but none quite as embarrassing!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa
WELL THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!
An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been
broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher
and the security measures were
about the same as described by Jean and he was only the vice-president. The
freeways to the airport were closed for his exclusive use etc. It did not
make the Americans very popular here as most of this happened without much
warning.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape
truck in front of her house and
left it there all night
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa.
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beads.
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa.
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This has been around before but I thought it appropriate again as we
recently had the thread on the English language and all the eating and
feasting around with all the lace days and conferences coming up!
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape, South Africa, green with envy that I am not
part of any
Does anybody know how to identify jet beads? I looked on the internet and
found a site that gives scientific methods of identification. Is there some
ordinary method of identification?
Jeanette Fischer, Western Cape,South Africa.
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