Hi Ron, Nice going!
Who is the intended target audience? The message on the page should reflect that. Here is my version of that first statement: Apache OFBiz™ is an open source enterprise suite of business applications, that includes solutions for ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning), CRM (Customer Relationship Management), E-Business / E-Commerce, SCM (Supply Chain Management) and Warehousing, MRP (Manufacturing Resources Planning), MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset Management), POS (Point Of Sale), and so on. OFBiz™ provides all the building blocks for reliable, secure and scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box, customize it or use it as a starting point to even implement your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz™, you can get started right away without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of traditional ERP solutions. As your business grows, extend the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs. Apache OFBiz™ is licensed under the Apache License Version 2.0, and the project is part of the Apache Software Foundation. After that I would invite the reader with read-on links to get more info on: - the business angle - e.g. descriptions of the available apps/components/solutions (e.g. for the key decision makers in the - prospecting - organisation) - the development/implementation angle - e.g descriptions of how the OFBiz product is designed, etc. Best Regards, Pierre Smits *ORRTIZ.COM <http://www.orrtiz.com>* Services & Solutions for Cloud- Based Manufacturing, Professional Services and Retail & Trade http://www.orrtiz.com On Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 9:16 PM, Ron Wheeler <[email protected]> wrote: > The opening description at http://ofbiz.apache.org/ violates Apache's > trademark policy is some very minor ways. > > "Apache OFBiz (The Apache Open For Business Project) is an open source > enterprise automation software project licensed under the Apache License > Version 2.0. By open source enterprise automation we mean: Open Source ERP > (Enterprise Resource Planning), Open Source CRM (Customer RelationShip > Management), Open Source E-Business / E-Commerce, Open Source SCM (Supply > Chain Management), Open Source MRP (Manufacturing Resources Planning), Open > Source CMMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset > Management), Open Source POS (Point Of Sale), and so on. > Apache OFBiz is a foundation and starting point for reliable, secure and > scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box (OOTB) or customize to > suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz in place, you > can get started right away and then grow your operations as your business > grows, without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of traditional > enterprise automation systems. > Apache OFBiz is a project of The Apache Software Foundation." > > could be modified to be > > "Apache OFBiz, the Apache Open For Business package, is an open source > enterprise automation software product that includes ERP (Enterprise > Resource Planning), CRM (Customer Relationship Management), E-Business / > E-Commerce, SCM (Supply Chain Management), MRP (Manufacturing Resources > Planning), MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset > Management) and POS (Point Of Sale) functions. > Apache OFBiz provides a foundation and starting point for reliable, secure > and scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box or customize it to > suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz, you can get > started right away without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of > traditional enterprise automation systems. As your business grows, extend > the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs > The Apache OFBiz project is part of The Apache Software Foundation." > > This meets the need to protect the Apache OFBiz trademark by defining it > as a "package" rather than a "project". Projects can not be trademarked > (according to Apache) so the definition of OfBiz must define it as a thing > - "software", "package" or "system" are possible. > > I also changed CMMS to MMS since the full name is "Maintenance Management > System". Not sure if someone wrote CMMS on purpose and forgot to add the > "C-word" to the definition. > > I removed the repetition of "Open Source" since it applies to all features > and just makes the sentence very hard to read. I would suggest putting the > features as bullets to increase readability but that is a question of taste > and how that would look on the page. > > I removed the "OOTB" since term is not used later on the page and just > interrupts the flow for no benefit. > CRM - Relationship is one word and the "S" should not be capitalized. > > I split the second last sentence to make the sentence easier to read. Is " > extend the functionality" an appropriate way to express the idea implied in > the original sentence. > > How does this look? Have I screwe up anything? > Are there any other ideas that we should include in the opening > introduction to OFBiz? Typical customers or some guidance about the target > market? > > The bullets in the second column repeat some of the functionality > description is this section. > They seem to be selective without a balance between the major > functionality listed in column 1. > > Ron > > -- > Ron Wheeler > President > Artifact Software Inc > email: [email protected] > skype: ronaldmwheeler > phone: 866-970-2435, ext 102 > >
