Hi Ron,
Nice going!
Who is the intended target audience? The message on the page should
reflect
that.
Here is my version of that first statement:
Apache OFBiz™ is an open source enterprise suite of business
applications,
that includes solutions for ERP (Enterprise Resource Planning), CRM
(Customer Relationship Management), E-Business / E-Commerce, SCM
(Supply
Chain Management) and Warehousing, MRP (Manufacturing Resources
Planning),
MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset Management),
POS
(Point Of Sale), and so on.
OFBiz™ provides all the building blocks for reliable, secure and
scalable
enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box, customize it or use it
as a
starting point to even implement your most challenging business
needs. With
OFBiz™, you can get started right away without the huge deployment and
maintenance costs of traditional ERP solutions. As your business grows,
extend the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs.
Apache OFBiz™ is licensed under the Apache License Version 2.0, and the
project is part of the Apache Software Foundation.
After that I would invite the reader with read-on links to get more
info on:
- the business angle - e.g. descriptions of the available
apps/components/solutions (e.g. for the key decision makers in the -
prospecting - organisation)
- the development/implementation angle - e.g descriptions of how the
OFBiz product is designed, etc.
Best Regards,
Pierre Smits
*ORRTIZ.COM <http://www.orrtiz.com>*
Services & Solutions for Cloud-
Based Manufacturing, Professional
Services and Retail & Trade
http://www.orrtiz.com
On Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 9:16 PM, Ron Wheeler
<[email protected]>
wrote:
The opening description at http://ofbiz.apache.org/ violates Apache's
trademark policy is some very minor ways.
"Apache OFBiz (The Apache Open For Business Project) is an open source
enterprise automation software project licensed under the Apache
License
Version 2.0. By open source enterprise automation we mean: Open
Source ERP
(Enterprise Resource Planning), Open Source CRM (Customer RelationShip
Management), Open Source E-Business / E-Commerce, Open Source SCM
(Supply
Chain Management), Open Source MRP (Manufacturing Resources
Planning), Open
Source CMMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset
Management), Open Source POS (Point Of Sale), and so on.
Apache OFBiz is a foundation and starting point for reliable,
secure and
scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box (OOTB) or
customize to
suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz in
place, you
can get started right away and then grow your operations as your
business
grows, without the huge deployment and maintenance costs of
traditional
enterprise automation systems.
Apache OFBiz is a project of The Apache Software Foundation."
could be modified to be
"Apache OFBiz, the Apache Open For Business package, is an open source
enterprise automation software product that includes ERP (Enterprise
Resource Planning), CRM (Customer Relationship Management),
E-Business /
E-Commerce, SCM (Supply Chain Management), MRP (Manufacturing
Resources
Planning), MMS/EAM (Maintenance Management System/Enterprise Asset
Management) and POS (Point Of Sale) functions.
Apache OFBiz provides a foundation and starting point for reliable,
secure
and scalable enterprise solutions. Use it out-of-the-box or
customize it to
suit even your most challenging business needs. With OFBiz, you can
get
started right away without the huge deployment and maintenance
costs of
traditional enterprise automation systems. As your business grows,
extend
the functionality to meet your more sophisticated needs
The Apache OFBiz project is part of The Apache Software Foundation."
This meets the need to protect the Apache OFBiz trademark by
defining it
as a "package" rather than a "project". Projects can not be
trademarked
(according to Apache) so the definition of OfBiz must define it as
a thing
- "software", "package" or "system" are possible.
I also changed CMMS to MMS since the full name is "Maintenance
Management
System". Not sure if someone wrote CMMS on purpose and forgot to
add the
"C-word" to the definition.
I removed the repetition of "Open Source" since it applies to all
features
and just makes the sentence very hard to read. I would suggest
putting the
features as bullets to increase readability but that is a question
of taste
and how that would look on the page.
I removed the "OOTB" since term is not used later on the page and just
interrupts the flow for no benefit.
CRM - Relationship is one word and the "S" should not be capitalized.
I split the second last sentence to make the sentence easier to
read. Is "
extend the functionality" an appropriate way to express the idea
implied in
the original sentence.
How does this look? Have I screwe up anything?
Are there any other ideas that we should include in the opening
introduction to OFBiz? Typical customers or some guidance about the
target
market?
The bullets in the second column repeat some of the functionality
description is this section.
They seem to be selective without a balance between the major
functionality listed in column 1.
Ron
--
Ron Wheeler
President
Artifact Software Inc
email: [email protected]
skype: ronaldmwheeler
phone: 866-970-2435, ext 102
