On Mon, Jul 30, 2007 at 10:11:29PM -0600, Eimii wrote:
> So... yeah. This chapter was originally named 'Morning,' and it had a
> companion chapter named 'Afternoon.' Then i decided to combine them
> into a single chapter for this set of revisions. _Then_ i started
> writing, and it all began to groan under the weight new material,
> causing the plot heading to change by several degrees, so not only do
> i have to split it back into two chapters, but i can't even keep the
> original titles, because the two chapters don't even occur on the same
> day anymore ;_;! Also, due to re-re-re-revised chapter numbering
> conventions, this will actually be chapter _10_ when hit hits my blog;
> how's that for confusing?
"weight new" -> "weight of new"
"when hit hits" -> "when it hits"
Okay, now I'm grammar checking author's notes. So I'm anal, so what.
> Bah... at any rate, there is a significant new scene in this chapter,
> and a significant new scene in the chapter that follows, and i am
> terribly worried about both of them, and i would greatly appreciate
> any thoughts from both new readers and old. So, without further ado, i
> give you...
Well, I _really_ liked the new scene. No problems there. It even made
me feel better about the previous new fight scene, in retrospect. I
don't know why, though.
Onward!
> She didn't see the shallow fold of stone that rose before her feet,
> concealed as it was by the naked glare of the sun, but even then, she
> should have been able to recover. She should have rolled with the
> fall, but instead she landed hard, skinning her palms and burying her
> face in the dirt.
I think you reworked that paragraph; I like it better than the one I
halfway remember.
> "I... do I know you?" The world seemed to slow for the young kunoichi
> as she stared at the stranger's face. From the long, tousled pink hair
> to the wicked smile and blazing green eyes, this was doubtless the
> most striking woman Temari had ever seen- and she seemed so familiar,
> but Temari couldn't remember who this person was, or how they'd met.
"Atashi no fuuuusto kiisu!"
Interesting that nearly-Sakura is so "striking" to Temari. Hm. As
Temari was unconcious when the event occured, possibly her subconcious
mind is aware even though she doesn't conciously remember. Or maybe
Sakura did leave something behind. Could be both, I guess.
I remember some setup for Sakura questioning Temari, but nothing ever
came of it. Will that be between castle adventure and actual diplomatic
mission?
> Green eyes sparkled with amusement and mischief, and a smirk bloomed
> on her 'rescuer's' lips. "Well, _I_ would'a woken up by now," the
> woman observed wryly, pulling the Temari to her feet.
"pulling the Temari" -> "pulling Temari"
> That small, anomalous detail had seemed only slightly odd at the time,
> but now the blonde girl began to wonder: Who was she, and why did she
> feel so... familiar? Temari seldom remembered her dreams, but she was
> starting to suspect that the woman's presence in them wasn't uncommon.
I don't think Who should be capitalized.
"Oh, Sakura-oneesama, you're the woman of my dreams!"
> Moving over to the sink in the corner of the room, Temari washed her
> hands and face, leaving the bedpan where it lay; they'd let her use a
> proper toilet if she asked. Though she still felt some disdain at how
> 'soft' they were, Temari was glad that the Village of the Hidden Leaf
> treated prisoners of war with more dignity than her homeland did.
A sink. One way to kill yourself is to simply drink too much water.
It upsets your electrolyte balance. A woman died of exactly that in
Sacramento recently. The "hold your wee for a Wii" contest. Those
radio shock-jocks should not have gotten off scott-free.
'Course, should a prisoner want to commit suicide, I guess they could
always simply bite off their tongue.
> In short order her bedding was removed and the smell of food wafted to
> her nose. The sound of the door closing preceded her release by almost
> exactly a minute, as always, but when she removed her hands from the
> wall and turned around, she found that she wasn't alone. The
> monkey-masked ANBU was still standing silently in the corner, watching
> her.
You might want to insert a soft linebreak after the hyphen in "monkey-
masked" so it wraps like I did it in this sentence.
> "Would you prefer that I did?" The ANBU replied earnestly. "You aren't
'The' should not be capitalized.
> you'd go for that, but it you're taking requests, I've got a message
> you can pass along..."
"but it you're" -> "but if you're"
I've mentioned the ellipses at the end of a sentence before.
> Flinching, Sakura looked away. "You're still making me buy you lunch,"
> she muttered in a small, guilty voice. Reaching for her water, Sakura
> shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She was wearing an un-zipped gray
"un-zipped" may not need the hyphen.
> "S-shut up!" Sakura sputtered, coloring. "It's your fault!
> _Everything_ rubs!" she hissed, looking around to make sure nobody
> else had heard. "The damn burn cream leaves stains on my panties, too.
So she's worried about stains, but is willing to potentially stain her
favorite dress?
> When Sakura returned her gaze to the blonde girl, Ino was pleased to
> see that all trace of guilt had vanished from Sakura's fiery green
> eyes. "I can't believe you used a fucking exploding tag on me!" the
> (naturally) pink-haired girl spat in wounded indignation.
I don't see the need for the parenthetical. Unless Ino is noticing that
the carpet matches the drapes.
> to- as long as 'mom' wasn't watching (also just like the elder Nara).
'mom' should be capitalized as it's being used as a title.
> Usually, Sakura went back to normal after she'd had a chance to vent a
> bit, but it seemed that anger wasn't the only thing that could Sakura
> make go insane; as Ino had discovered, a horny Sakura was even more
"Sakura make" -> "make Sakura"
> "I keep telling you, that was an accident!" Sakura snapped, slapping
> her palm on the table. After few seconds under Ino's critical stare,
> Sakura's face went several shades darker than her hair and she wilted
> a like eighth-day cherry blossom. "Okay, I was kind of trying to freak
> you out," she admitted, "but I didn't mean to do _that_!"
"After few" -> "After a few"
"a like" -> "like an" (two corrections)
> At first, Sakura adamant refusal to set her up with Sasuke had forced
"Sakura adamant" -> "Sakura's adamant"
Ah, adamantine, metal of the gods, how I love thee! Strong, tough, and
light, a metalsmith's delight!
> woman asked pleasantly, setting down a platter of sliced, raw meat
> next to the burner in the center of their table.
I'm not sure that you need a comma between sliced and raw.
> "You've been stuffing your face since we got here. I've hardly had
> any," Ino pointed out, generously scooping meat onto the griddle with
> the supplied tongs.
Perhaps "scooping a generous amount of meat"
> but mom wouldn't like it if she knew where."
Capitalize 'mom' here.
> "I'm not _training_ with them," Sakura corrected, flying into fit of
"into fit" -> "into a fit"
> with her chopsticks. "Anko found out that I did a lot extra credit
> reports in the academy, so she gave me something like that to keep me
> busy. It's actually kind of boring."
"a lot extra" -> "a lot of extra"
> "Oh, come on; you know you love that stuff," Ino teased, grinning.
> "'Haruno Sakura, Super Research Ninja!' Poor, lonely ol' Yomiko-san at
> the library is your biggest fan."
Readman? (Does being mentioned count as a cameo?)
> "Sort of like someone else I used to know," Ino suggested
> none-too-subtly. Moving to take her own share, Ino paused to examine
You might soft-linebreak those hyphens.
> "You created it yourself, right? It's not one of your family
> techniques?" Sakura half-praised, half-led with the aplomb of a used
> sword salesman.
Er, hm, I imagine swords are just swords, except for the really special
named artifact swords like Orochimaru's Kusanagi. I see that you're
going for the 'used car' analogy, but it's not quite working for me.
Try "used carriage salesman", maybe.
> "Yes, I- No!" Ino corrected, recovering her balance with some effort.
> "It's my first unique ninjutsu! What makes you think I'd teach to
> _you_?"
"teach to" -> "teach it to"
> "Eh?" Now it was Sakura's turn to flinch surprise, breaking the
> terrible gorgon gaze of petrifying cuteness. "But- but that's like my
> trump card," Sakura waffled. "That's like me asking you to teach me
> the Shintenshin."
"flinch surprise" -> "flinch in surprise"
The Gorgon's never bothered me much. By the time you get to Medusa, you
probably have a shield of reflection, amulet of reflection, or silver
dragon scale mail, so she'll off herself. If by some mischance you
don't, you should at least have a blindfold. Go in blind and cut her
down, she's a wimp. Only someone who's never consulted with the Oracle
would be in any danger. The only interesting thing is that, given the
chance, she'll steal your Quest Artifact.
> It was starting look like Sakura really hadn't been aware of the
"starting look" -> "starting to look"
> "Riiight- pretty kinky, Ino-chan; I know you like to be in control,
> but never would've guessed you were into _bondage_..."
possibly "but never" -> "but I never"
> When she started to lift her head, a curious slickness under her cheek
> made Sakura pause. Next to her face, blurry black lines swam on a
> field of white, but it took a moment for it to register that it was
I don't like the flavor of "for it to register" here. It feels clumsy
when followed by another "it". Perhaps "for her to recognise" or
"realize".
> a feeling of dampness on chest drew her attention to an inky stain
> darkening the front of her dress.
"on chest" -> "on her chest"
That's, uh, a lot of drool, to do that much damage.
> *Inky stain?* Looking at the desk again, an icy spurt of horror raced
> through Sakura's veins as she realized what she was seeing. *Oh shit,
> the scroll! It's ruined!*
Now, technically, that parses as having the spurt of horror performing
the looking at the desk action.
> Hyuuga Yoshinari opened the door deliberately, as if he was afraid of
> what he might see inside. The ANBU was wearing his signature mask
> today, though his cloak had been replaced by a white lab coat that
> marked him as a medical nin. "Good afternoon, Haruno-kun. Did I
> disturb you?"
Ever seen the "Dr. McNinja" webcomic? `Cause that's what flashed thru
my mind.
> The pale man nodded. "I see... Working hard, eh?" he asked. Moving
> closer, Yoshinari looked around for another chair, but eventually had
> to settle for the edge of the desk. "We can get you a cot, if you'd
> like."
Depending on your intent, 'Working' might not need to be capitalized.
> "Okay... By the way, you've got something on your chin."
And again here, with 'By'. It depends on whether you're intending them
to be two seperate utterances with a full stop between them.
> Curious, Sakura leaned closer. It was a picture of woman, drawn in
"of woman" -> "of a woman". Unless it's of the platonic archetype of
woman.
> "And the way you were menacing those boys in the ramen shop, a few days ago?"
Failure to word-wrap.
> "W-Where did you hear about that?" Now Sakura could _feel_ the eyebrow
> quirking skeptically behind the mask. "Oh- right; you're ANBU. But I'm
> not really- I just- dammit, don't _look_ at me like that!" The
> green-eyed kunoichi stood and glared at her silent accuser.
Consider soft-linebreaking that hyphen for word-wrapping purposes.
> "That's a difficult question, partially because we haven't told her
> how you 'borrowed' her body for a while." When Sakura gave him a
I thought you should be using "awhile" but when I Googled it, I found
that you have it right.
> A frown broke across Sakura's face, and she looked away from the older
> man. "At the end my fight with Ino, I think I might have accidentally
> caught her in a form of the Kitsune-Tsuki that behaved sort of like
> this. I guess for a while she was seeing me everywhere."
"end my fight" -> "end of my fight"
> "No, but I was grappling with her, and I sort of licked her face."
> Against all odds, Sakura discovered that she indeed could still blush
I didn't remember such a lick, so I went back and checked. In the
version posted to the FFML, at least, the only lick is one that Ino
hallucinated in the hospital.
Consider "that she indeed could still" -> "that she could indeed still"
or better, "that, indeed, she could still"
> blowing between her thighs. Her face burning like a brand, green-eyed
> girl snapped her legs shut. *Dammit, what the hell was I thinking this
> morning?*
Likely "green-eyed girl" -> "the green-eyed girl"
> Unconcerned by her deviant antics, the Hyuuga inclined his head to the
> side in an analytical pose. "I was thinking the same thing. I wonder
> if it's possible for the technique to manifest itself differently,
Well, obviously it can be different. It's never yet been the same
twice.
> "You know more than I do," Sakura assured him with a self-depreciating smile.
Failure to word-wrap.
Should it be "self-deprecating" ?
> "A-Alright." Accepting the paper, Sakura held it out flat on her palm.
> *Okay, I can do this. It's all a matter of making my chakra 'push' and
> 'pull' the paper in the right ways, just like with the 'wall walking'
> and 'water walking' tricks.* Experimentally, Sakura tried pushing up
> on two corners while pulling down on the 'crease,' to make a single
> fold. Her heart sank as she tore a hole in the center of the page.
> "Dammit!"
Hmm, Naruto totally could have used Sakura's chakra control in the past
month or so. He'd be pulling off quadruple Rasengans by now.
> "Pretty enough," Yoshinari commented in a hollow voice as he accepted
> the crane. "In medical school... they use this as a test to see if
> you've got what it takes to become a field surgeon."
It occurs to me that this fits in well with whatever reasons Tsunade had
to accept Sakura as a student.
So is he going to show that crane to Ibiki? I already had a hunch that
ANBU was scouting her. But this shows that she's a prodigy. Hmmph, the
only reason nobody knows it is that she's on the same team as two other
prodigies, and that damn Kakashi doesn't know how to teach. (Well, that
and by fiat of the author.)
> secrets, I think there are few things I can show you- but not here.
> This room is too small." Backing away from the desk, he turned to open
> the door, glancing over his shoulder expectantly. "Follow me."
"are few things" -> "are a few things"
> "Ah!" Startled, Sakura decided to focus on the wall instead of the
> unnerving woman in front of her. "Haruno residence, please," she told
> the operator.
Hm, having an operator makes a lot of sense, both since it's a village-
only network, and for security purposes.
> "Hi, mom. I kind of fell asleep in the library again and didn't finish
Capitalize 'mom'.
> "Oh, okay. I'll keep an eye out for him." The pink-haired girl
him." The -> him," the
> "I will, mom. G'bye." Returning the phone, Sakura thanked the scary
> woman and hurried over to where Yoshinari was waiting by the door.
> "Sorry about that," she apologized.
"Thank you, scary woman! Oops..."
> at the nondescript facade of the torture and interrogation facility.
If you're foreign-izing "facade", there's another occurance.
> The second-loudest genin in the Leaf sighed in annoyance. Why did
> people have to turn into jerks when they got strong? Sakura had teased
The sentence 'Why did... got strong?' sounds like it's directly taken
from Naruto's thoughts, so it maybe should have the * markers, and be in
Naruto's 'voice.'
> Growing still, the blonde boy tried to erase his presence as well as
"blonde boy" -> "blond boy"
> "No roughhousing in the library!" a stern voice called from the end of
> the room, and in an instant Naruto found himself spinning out of
> control as the scrolls on the shelves all around him came to life,
> wrapping him in a cocoon paper as hard as steel.
Mmm hmm. "The Paper."
"cocoon paper" -> "cocoon of paper"
> Landing on his back, the blonde ninja could only grin sheepishly at
> the librarian who stormed up to stand next to the monkey-masked ANBU
> whom he'd just tried to ambush. Adjusting her glasses, the
> frumpily-dressed kunoichi glared down at him. "That's _two hours_ in
> detention, young man!"
"blonde" -> "blond"
Soft-linebreak "frumpily-dressed"
--
Later, eh? Silas
CUT TO: Montage of atomic explosions from newsreel films of nuclear
tests. Repeat some shots in slow motion.
Onscreen comes the (false) title, Death Of Earth.
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