Well, the courtship based on false premises does not have much of a chance. Lately, I have thought that I married to escape but it turned out to be "out of the frying pan- into the fire". Oddly, the public image was admired and intimidating to others. I stayed in both marriages over ten years. The fact that both husbands tested as sociopaths does not give me much solace, for after all, I chose them!!! All it does is make me think change was impossible. Contact was cut completely. Like gruff, I have had some real doozies in my life but also very long friendships lasting decades though I do think a few of my christening angels failed to show up and perhaps I was not meant to marry at all- except then, I would have missed my children! But does it sadden me? Yes, of course it does.
On Jun 28, 7:46 am, vamadevananda <[email protected]> wrote: > The point isn't of how wretched or lonely we are in a bad marriage. > The point is that a relationship fails because of our inability to > give while choosing the relationship AND oneself, not relationship OR > oneself, as most difficult situations bring us to. It takes long to > know that, and harder to give. > > The point is that the courting period can have the fluffiness and > romance AND this search for a clear commitment to choose marriage and > confirm this readiness to give to it. The truth is that most people > take the other for granted, the relationship as being only to the > extent it is working for oneself, marriage as a paid gondola ride into > the sunset ... when the fact is that marriage is a marathon that is > hard grind, that must only be begun with an unquestioned and unbounded > commitment, which we promise to never fall short of while it just goes > on and on, taking us through long unknown terrains, ever more testing > of our ability to give to the relationship, through several inflexion > points ... until the relationship takes on a life and reality of its > own. > > Fluffiness and romance can decorate or spice up the relationship. They > really have nothing to do with the relationship, as it is, from > before, which only rests on mutual respect, love and pride and > protectiveness for each other, and memories to reinforce it. Personal > honesty, learning along the way, and readiness to give strength to the > other, and take from ... are then matters of routine. > > That doesn't just happen, for our satisfactions, convenience and > comfort. It is made to happen with much dissatisfaction, inconvenience > and discomfort to oneself ! > > On Jun 28, 2:15 pm, rigsy03 <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > A number of creator types stay single or have arrangements that allow > > for a good deal of freedom but that does not guarantee inspiration in > > and of itself. Often, creativity feeds just as well on pressured > > enviornments and committments.//I doubt most children feel better off > > without both parents but the notion of family has changed greatly so > > perhaps they adapt better these days. And a wretched marriage is > > wretched for all plus what is lonlier than a bad marriage? Sometimes > > it seems strange that I took to motherhood considering...But > > motherhood has also changed, hasn't it? > > > On Jun 27, 1:49 pm, vamadevananda <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > " I have turned my emotional switch to 0." > > > > We all do that. And can never succeed, because emotions are another > > > name of human experience. They are ours. > > > > Yes, some of us are better off without life partner relationships. > > > Mostly, for the sake of the other. Rarely, for oneself ... for some > > > higher priority we must pursue. > > > > On Jun 27, 11:18 pm, DarkwaterBlight <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > Spiritual Crisis? Yes I believe you may be correct in your > > > > observation. I think I have developed a willful ignorance or lack of > > > > empathy when it comes to emotions. I have tried to share my feelings > > > > to no avail and have been left dissapointed and feeling broken. So in > > > > an attenpt to heal I have turned my emotional switch to 0. I can see > > > > my own spiritual crisis and do not wish to have the responsibility of > > > > someone elses 'baggage' as rigsy03 has pointed out. After our > > > > seperation I tryed again to no avail and yet I still try to make that > > > > connection and keep hitting the same brick wall. I know the answer > > > > lies within myself but I'm not sure if I want to know it. I guess I > > > > like living in the dillusion that I am fine being alone in life. I > > > > know that is never true as we all have each other but I am refering to > > > > a permanant mate and partner in life. It's too easy for me to give up > > > > on the idea rather than trying so hard and fighting to keep a > > > > relationship. I know too well that there are many fish in the sea and > > > > I love seafood. > > > > > On Jun 26, 12:54 pm, vamadevananda <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > " Emotionally draining, we literally sucked the life out of each > > > > > other." > > > > > > Do you believe or are able to conceive, in the face of your contrary > > > > > experience, that it is possible for two people to graduate to ' giving > > > > > life to each other,' rather than sucking, to ' enriching each other > > > > > emotionally,' than draining ? > > > > > > Do you recall the movie sketching the life an authoress, played by > > > > > Kate Winslet, and her male live - in fan, whose disappointments and > > > > > spiritual crisis in later age anyone could empathise with ! > > > > > > On Jun 26, 7:41 pm, DarkwaterBlight <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > > Truly I did have expectations, in the begining of my marriage, that > > > > > > were the fairy tale type. Reality struck hard early on in our > > > > > > realtionship, we were both poor and from dysfunctional backrounds. > > > > > > We > > > > > > were very aware of the pitfalls in life and dated 4 years before > > > > > > getting married. When we finally did get married, she was 5 months > > > > > > pregnant. We have three children who are 4 yearrs apart in age now > > > > > > and > > > > > > our youngest is going to be 9. We were, (and probably still are) in > > > > > > love. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me so it's really hard to > > > > > > explain. I know that she would have me back and I would too but it > > > > > > makes absolutely no sense. There is no logical explaination I can > > > > > > give > > > > > > but I will never allow myself to feel that way about another woman > > > > > > because it is too painful. Emotionally draining, we literally sucked > > > > > > the life out of each other. > > > > > > > On Jun 26, 12:33 am, ashok tewari <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > > > It does, Slip, but does not indicate if the case was one of fairy > > > > > > > tale > > > > > > > expectations from relationships in ' love,' to start with. > > > > > > > > On Sat, Jun 26, 2010 at 5:00 AM, Slip Disc <[email protected]> > > > > > > > wrote: > > > > > > > > All cultural disparity aside, Vam, the "imho" (in my humble > > > > > > > > opinion) > > > > > > > > clearly indicates the subjectivity in the statement. > > > > > > > > > On Jun 25, 4:49 pm, vamadevananda <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > > > > " Imho, being 'in love' is, as Arch says, a fairy tale." > > > > > > > > > > Wouldn't it be more accurate to state that of ' love,' as you > > > > > > > > > or Arch > > > > > > > > > understand or mean it ! ? It would be a great service to let > > > > > > > > > your > > > > > > > > > readers know that and, better still, to actually state what > > > > > > > > > you > > > > > > > > > understand or what your ' love ' means to you, as in what it > > > > > > > > > does to > > > > > > > > > you, how it affects you, what place it has in your hierarchy > > > > > > > > > of > > > > > > > > > values ? > > > > > > > > > > For instance, if you've fallen for the fairy tale kind of > > > > > > > > > love, you > > > > > > > > > will end up with disappointments appropriate to fairy tale > > > > > > > > > kind of > > > > > > > > > love ! > > > > > > > > > > And, this isn't semantics. > > > > > > > > > > On Jun 25, 7:29 pm, DarkwaterBlight > > > > > > > > > <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > I guess depending on how fast you want to travel it could > > > > > > > > > > be both! I' > > > > > > > > > > have been reluctant to reply to this thread but I do share > > > > > > > > > > some of > > > > > > > > > > your views PSK. Truth is that I have been married for close > > > > > > > > > > to 20 > > > > > > > > > > years now but I have not lived with my wife for clos to 5 > > > > > > > > > > years. We > > > > > > > > > > are both much happier than we were when we lived together. > > > > > > > > > > I have had > > > > > > > > > > a few long term relationships since and they were just too > > > > > > > > > > much for me > > > > > > > > > > personally. I have a GF now and she wants to pin me down, I > > > > > > > > > > feel > > > > > > > > > > smothered. We lived together for a while and I wound up > > > > > > > > > > excomunicating > > > > > > > > > > her from the solice of my abode. We are still 'together' > > > > > > > > > > but during > > > > > > > > > > the course of our 1 year relationship I have had (and still > > > > > > > > > > do have) a > > > > > > > > > > few different partners including her best friend who has > > > > > > > > > > shared our > > > > > > > > > > bed on different occasions. She want's monagamy until we > > > > > > > > > > GET MARRIED! > > > > > > > > > > Imagine that! I'm still married to the mother of my > > > > > > > > > > children and I > > > > > > > > > > don't see that changing. Polyamorous relationships ARE > > > > > > > > > > possible but it > > > > > > > > > > takes complete transparancy and a strong commitment to your > > > > > > > > > > 'significant' other. I, however transparent I may be, can > > > > > > > > > > only be > > > > > > > > > > commited to being a father and a good friend! I love her > > > > > > > > > > and all of > > > > > > > > > > the women who I have 'known' equally. The love that some > > > > > > > > > > women require > > > > > > > > > > I cannot and will not provide. Too emotional and without > > > > > > > > > > logic! Imho, > > > > > > > > > > being 'in love' is, as Arch says, a fairy tale. > > > > > > > > > > > On Jun 25, 5:33 am, "pol.science kid" > > > > > > > > > > <[email protected]> wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > Thats the beauty isnt it..our own separatre > > > > > > > > > > > roads..running parrallel > > > > > > > > to some > > > > > > > > > > > at some point departing ..reconnecting > > > > > > > > > > > again...intersecting with > > > > > > > > some...or > > > > > > > > > > > is it more like a river... > > > > > > > > > > > > On Fri, Jun 25, 2010 at 12:09 PM, vamadevananda < > > > > > > > > [email protected]>wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > > You have to take your own journey forward, your way, > > > > > > > > > > > > with your > > > > > > > > desires > > > > > > > > > > > > and ideas, and your suppositions or beliefs. That > > > > > > > > > > > > learning curve > > > > > > > > can > > > > > > > > > > > > hardly be progressed upon by wishing, opinionation or > > > > > > > > > > > > argumentation > > > > > > > > on > > > > > > > > > > > > a discussion forum. Make your choices, have the > > > > > > > > > > > > experience, and > > > > > > > > know > > > > > > > > > > > > and conclude for yourself ! > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've stated my conclusions, from my experience and > > > > > > > > > > > > understanding. > > > > > > > > > > > > > On Jun 25, 11:19 am, "pol.science kid" > > ... > > read more »- Hide quoted text - > > - Show quoted text -
