Don, you said that so much more eloquently than I can. I too have been pondering how to answer the question and my daughter and I talked about it extensively. I can only remember one time since I was injured when I seriously thought about not living any longer and I was sitting in my wheelchair at the top of the stairs from the patio, 22 stairs and with my luck I would just injure myself more and probably wouldn't be able to talk and what is the worst thing that could happen to a woman other than being able to talk?
I do have pain, and I have had my share of surgeries, blocked intestines, emergency trips to the hospital, but being a fighter and from a long line of women who are fighters, I just look for another solution or a better way of doing things. What I wouldn't give to be able to scratch my nose. As healthy as I am, I do wish I could move more than just my head so that I could really hug my grandchildren rather than just pressing my head against them, but that is so much better than not being here. Do I have as much energy as I used to-of course not, I am 24 years older-but do I look forward to each day? Absolutely yes. I love the new master gardener program that I have joined (no, I do not do the gardening, everyone else has to J) but I am thrilled to death, in a manner of speaking, that I'm going to be able to introduce gardening on a very small scale to some elderly and disabled people that are not able to get out very much, so they will enjoy having more interaction with young people and the joy of gardening and harvesting your own lettuce for your salad. Do I have dreams? Always so many, it's hard to choose which one is the most important. Right now, it is trying to figure out how I can get from Reno to Santa Barbara California in two weeks to see my niece receive her doctorate in art history and see my sister who has been able to get a release from her Dr. While she is fighting cancer to see her daughter graduate. My sister lives in Virginia and I have no way to be a support to her during this time and we are all the family each other has. Hopefully we will be able to do it, but if not I will survive albeit regretfully. I want to see my grandson stop focusing on himself and become the thoughtful young man he was a couple of years ago before he became Mr. Know it all, my other grandson to realize his dream of writing a book, support my young granddaughter and her current goal of becoming a fashion designer (she's only 10), watch the seven year old become a baseball star, and the four year old granddaughter as she develops her own persona. I want to get financing for the grandiose idea and hard work that I have put into designing and be able to build a small complex where families that have a member who is disabled have a small home that is designed for wheelchairs have space to enjoy being outdoors and able to interact more with other families were facing some of the same problems. I still want to do a parachute jump, go scuba diving in the Caribbean where it is warm, go to China and be able to walk on the great wall, jump in my car on a whim rather than a preplanned excursion just to go shopping, etc, etc and so forth. No, I probably won't do most of those things, but I will damned well not give them up until I die! I will rejoice in the little things, like sitting in the sun and listening to fine music, reread a couple of good books and hopefully many more new ones, enjoy some excellent meals and just all the little things that make each day unique and different from the day before. Clinical depression is so difficult to diagnose from a lay persons point of view but it is certainly treatable and can make an outstanding difference in someone's life. We do have our up's and downs, but continual downs are a huge warning sign. I only know this from secondhand, but my beloved son died 11 years ago after attempting suicide, but then realizing he did not want to die but was killed accidentally by a semi truck as he was trying to signal for help. We all missed the signs, and I do not wish anyone to have to live with the aftermath. Bobbi, please analyze your life today, this is not quite like you appear to be on the list in the past as you have often been the one to bolster someone else up. We cannot wish ourselves to die, so maybe try to wish yourself and talk to somebody about enjoying life more. Motor mouth again. Sorry. But as Maya Angelou said so eloquently " Rising high, high above me...a constant call up from misery, leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise into daybreak miraculously clear. I still rise." Have hope and try to remain optimistic. Joan
