Bobbie, I've been thinking about your email since you posted it, trying to mentally compose a reply. Here's my short answer: No, I've never wished not to wake up. In fact, the opposite is true for me--I go to sleep every night praying that I get another opportunity to be alive tomorrow.
But, it's not a simple question to answer, is it? I consider myself extremely lucky because 32 years post-injury I don't have the debilitating pain many of you describe. I don't have any pressure sores or kidney stones; my bladder and bowels function well and I still don't need Viagra. I'm not bragging; I am grateful for everything I have. My first thought is that you have to be honest with yourself, Bobbie. Is this simply a temporary period of 'the blues,' or do you possibly have clinical depression? It's a very important distinction because depression does have a physiological basis and can be effectively helped with medical intervention. If you are having suicidal thoughts I beg you to seek a mental health hotline--I guarantee there's one available in your community. On the other hand, if you're just feeling down and out, having a rough go of things at the moment, then I'm glad you had the guts to mention it here. Yes, I honestly think it took great courage to share a weak moment here, to be vulnerable. 'Us people' with disabilities are always held up as inspirational; we're fonts of strength and wisdom because we survived a disability. We all know what a bunch of bullshit that is. Partly, that misconception is fed by the media and their fixation on the 'supercrip.' I'm sorry, but if I see one more news story about a guy climbing Half Dome in Yosemite using only his tongue I'm going to puke! All of us here know we're just regular human beings, getting up, doing our business, going to bed. Guess what? Sometimes we even have bad days! However, Bobbie (and all), it is my firm belief that--barring medical issues causing depression--we (and only we) have the power to make ourselves happy. I don't just believe that, I know it. It's somewhat ironic that I read your email, entitled "To wake, or not to wake up?" the same day I started reading 'The Last Lecture,' by Randy Pausch. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr Pausch's Last Lecture, he's a Professor at Carnegie Mellon University who learned he had only a few months to live due to pancreatic cancer. His accurately-titled 'last lecture' is available on youtube and shouldn't be missed. The irony is that this man endured mind-boggling surgeries and procedures so he could have even a chance at living a few days longer, and here we are talking about throwing away precious days, weeks, years. I'm reading the book because my father--the strongest man I've ever known--has recently been diagnosed with leukemia. I'm not judging anyone here. I can't walk a mile in your shoes (to use an exceedingly inappropriate cliche,) so I don't have the right, or desire, to lecture anyone. But, as I said, I know that we have the ability to choose (yes, choose) happiness and gratefulness in our lives. HOW you do that is going to be very much an individual thing. There are a million self-help books out there, and a few of them are even good, but that journey is yours to take on your own. Having said that, I still feel the compulsion to make a few suggestions (once I start typing I just can't stop--sorry!) First of all, one has to make the mind shift from what we've lost (or can't do,) to what we still have available (or can do.) If you can see, be thankful. If you can hear, be grateful. If you can think, praise the heavens. Somebody wrote that they miss the simple things, like sitting up in bed and putting their feet on the floor. If you could travel back in time you'd tell that guy not to take ANYTHING for granted. Randy Pausch, who died from his cancer in 2008, less than a year after giving his last lecture, would love to come back and tell you that same thing today. Don't take YOUR life for granted. Can't go camping alone in the wilderness? Become a scout leader and inspire the kids to step away from the X-Box. Can't bed a bunch of babes? Find one you really like and write her the greatest love letter ever created--she wouldn't stand a chance. Can't move your body? Move your mind! Take a class, read the 100 greatest books ever written, join your city's council on disability issues. If they don't have one, start one. Refute Stephen Hawking's gravitational singularity theorem. Or write an haiku. My point is.....well, you get my point. "I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living, or get busy dying." -Andy Dufrenes, The Shawshank Redemption. I'm heading off to bed now. My caregiver will be here shortly and I'm bushed. Tomorrow I have committed to organize my music collection after I get home from work. It sounds mundane but I'm excited! Thirty-plus years of collected music will provide both dust and amazing memories. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see what opportunities await. From the bottom of my heart I wish the same for all of you. Don Tempe, AZ c5-6. Diving accident. 1982 On Tuesday, May 27, 2014 1:57 PM, "[email protected]" <[email protected]> wrote: Oh, yes many times Bobbie I get sick of the pain! lindaf ________________________________ From: "Gmail" <[email protected]> To: "quad-list" <[email protected]> Sent: Monday, May 26, 2014 8:26:39 PM Subject: [QUAD-L] To wake, or not to wake up? I have a question. 90% of the time when I go to sleep I hope/wish I will not wake up in the morning. Dose anybody else ever have these thoughts? Bobbie
