Re: [lace] Machine made
The cards with holes that the machines use are called punch cards and and this system was used to control many machines before comuters could be used to control them. I always say that lace prickings were the original 'punch cards', more in fun than meaning it, but who knows? Dear Friends, I am writing this from my hotel room in Saigon. Those cards were being used by the weavers I saw last year in Varanasi, India David in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam - To unsubscribe send email to majord...@arachne.com containing the line: unsubscribe lace y...@address.here. For help, write to arachne.modera...@gmail.com. Photo site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lacemaker/sets/
[lace-chat] Australian Valentine
Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No sheila who is your age Have nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get No matter wot u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer! David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.10/262 - Release Date: 16/02/06 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Soduku
If I do get frustrated and decide to guess, you can bet your life that I find that I have the same number already in that line. At that point I give up and decide to get on with my day. Any suggestions on how to approach the difficult puzzles will be gratefully accepted and tried. Janice - I love them too. However, you really need to use a pencil with a rubber on the end and write ALL possibilities in each square. Then rub them out as you eliminate them. BTW - you can buy little booklets of these things at the newsagent. And there's now an even MORE addictive puzzle out called something like Karoake. David in Ballarat Janice Janice Blair Crystal Lake, 50 miles northwest of Chicago, Illinois, USA http://www.lacemakersofillinois.org/ To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.9/261 - Release Date: 15/02/06 -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.9/261 - Release Date: 15/02/06 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Would you work for them?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year... Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.6/258 - Release Date: 13/02/06 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Irish Humour
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on t! he floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking? Just water, says the priest. The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! He's done it again! David No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.2/253 - Release Date: 7/02/06 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Unsubscribing for 6 weeks
Dear Friends, I'm unsubscribing after I send this, as I leave on Wed. for 6 weeks up in the Northern Territory making lace in the nuddy!!1 See you when I get back David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] 30 Years Difference
THE DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE! 1973 : Long hair 2005 : Longing for hair 1973 : Acid rock 2005 : Acid reflux 1973 : Moving to Cape Town because it's cool 2005 : Moving to Cape Town because it's warm 1973 : Trying to look like Liz Taylor 2005 : Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor 1973 : Seeds and stems 2005 : Roughage 1973 : Going to a new, hip joint 2005 : Receiving a new hip joint 1973 : Rolling Stones 2005 : Kidney Stones 1973 : Passing the drivers' test 2005 : Passing the vision test Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting university in February across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had M-Net or Sky. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Good Old Christmas Humour
You know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women Instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and There would be Peace On Earth. BUT, do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Gay Men ? They would have: done a fabulous parade towards the big B in full auburn/gold sequined gowns to match the low Star of Bethlehem lighting. Arrived early. Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous buttercream-colored 100% cotton throw. Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a western theme to match the animals. Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entree of chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix, mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff cappuccino con panna. The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection. Peace? How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number! David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Remember this at Christmas
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Home Honeymoon
Home Honeymoon Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think? His mom replies, OK! What do you think? He says, Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Recognizing a Stroke (CVA)
During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. It only takes a minute to read this- Recognizing a Stroke - A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed an getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough. RECOGNIZING A STROKE Thank God for the sense to remember the 3 steps. Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions: 1. *Ask the individual to SMILE. 2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. 3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today) If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage. A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved. BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives. David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Kids in Church
Kid's In Church Real comments made by children Jesus' Dad's Name A Sunday school teacher asked her class, What was Jesus' mother's name? One child answered, Mary. The teacher then asked, Who knows what Jesus' father's name was? A little kid said, Verge. Confused, the teacher asked, Where did you get that? The kid said, Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.'' ** * Kids In Church 3-year-old, Reese: Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen. ** * Little Boy Praying A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am. ** * The Last Commandment A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife. ** ** A Christian Home After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys. ** *** Deliver Us From Evil I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. ** ** Forgive Us Our Traspasses One particular four-year-old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. ** *** Quiet In Church A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping. ** ** The 2 Ushers Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Who's going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers. ** * Moral Lesson A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus! ** ** Died And Went To Heaven A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked. He died and went to Heaven, the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, Did God throw him back down? ** *** Dinner Blessing A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing? I wouldn't know what to say, the girl replied. Just say what you hear Mommy say, the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? _ This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] car number plates
Dear Janice, I know that Tamara has T N LACE on her car plate but I was wondering if anyone can think of a good lacemaking personalized plate. I've often thought about this, and would love to have LACEMAN. But unfortunately here in Victoria, Australia, we're only allowed to have 6 digits or letters :( I considered BOBBIN, but it's a bit too general. Then I could have SPANGL (without the e). As yet I still haven't come up with anything. I really don't fancy using PRICK!!! I'll be most interested in other responses. David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Australian Poetry Contest
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'. First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited; Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They were three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu The aboriginal won. David in Ballarat No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Two Women in Heaven
Two Women in Heaven Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died: 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible. 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive! David No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] A question of articles
Dear Tamara, But, more and more, the rule seems to be fraying at the edges, till I'm worried - more than usual - about opening my mouth in real life rather than in writing... Take history; it's almost always preceded by an when written. Should I, then, say an istorical fact? Same for hotel. I know the h is silent *in French*, but, should I say an otel reservation in English? And, yesterday - in an otherwise great book - I got another one: an Hispanic maid. Have I been adding, for all those years an H where it ad no place, like a mad Cockney who drops and insterts is aitches indiscriminately? I ave been saying hispanic but obviously, I should have been saying ispanic... I know we discussed the use of an before vocalized aitches before, and seem to recall that there is no actual rule as to which words beginning with aitch take the indefinite article - just a tradition. However, for those that do, such as Hispanic, hospital, and historical (but NOT history), the aitch is ALWAYS pronounced! So never fear my dear, you have been correct all this time. The general rule for an and a is definitely based on phonics though: an before a vowel SOUND and a before a consonant SOUND. Apart from words beginning with silent aitches, there are other exceptional examples, such as a utility, a Euro because these words begin with a Y sound. David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.13.1/169 - Release Date: 15/11/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Wether, Weather, Whether
Dear Tamara, You can now add this Australian version to your repertoire :) Going through the dictionary I just spotted another word pronounced the same way, but which she never mentioned: wether... Whether the wether is shorn, Depends on the length of his wool. Whatever the weather, He'll weather the weather, Unlike that intact old bull! Regards David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/150 - Release Date: 27/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Willy Nilly
Dear Tamara other interested Friends, and make the best of the situation, willy nilly... Now there's a phrase with a history! Did you know that the original version of willy nilly was Will I? Nill I.? Came across it just this afternoon in a medieval novel I'm reading. David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/150 - Release Date: 27/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
No sex tonight? I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreadsto hear...You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I don't feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy Your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/150 - Release Date: 27/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Bikie Humour
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asks. Well, I can think of one thing, the man offers. On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, Leave her alone or you'll answer to me. St. Peter was impressed. When did this happen? Just a couple minutes ago. David No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/150 - Release Date: 27/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: [lace] Re Dowager
At 11:47 AM 25/10/05 -0500, C. Johnson wrote: That makes you the Grand Duke of Lace. I like it. Susie How about Comte de Dentelles??? Or perhaps Graf von Kloppeln? Has the ring of many of my forebears in it:) David -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.361 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/149 - Release Date: 25/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] Re Dowager
At 10:29 AM 24/10/05 +1000, Shirley wrote: Grande Dame of Lace! Distinguished don't you thing? Susie How about that David??? Guess I'll just have to settle for my Granny's name for me when I was a little tacker - Little Sir Echo (of Lace) David in Ballarat Shirley in Corio Oz [EMAIL PROTECTED] - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.361 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/147 - Release Date: 24/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] Re: Arachne dotage
LOL. but since you ask, no grey or gray. Annoyingly thin at the forelock, and a badger-like colour scheme of brown/black with white. the bit left at the back is still blonde, but the sides are grey. Still blonde everywhere else :) David -- bye for now Bev in Sooke BC (on Vancouver Island, west coast of Canada) Cdn. floral bobbins www.woodhavenbobbins.com - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] RE: Arachne Dowager
At 11:32 PM 22/10/05 -0400, Dearl Kniskern wrote: dear dowagers and gaffers Nah! It can't be Gaffers. That's a Pommie word which isn't used down here in the Land of Oz. We could use Codger or Cove - but they too are now archaic. David -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Dowagers
Dear Friends, Having been sent the following definition of a Dowager:- Dowager \Dowa*ger\, n. [OF. douagiere, fr. douage dower. See Dower.] 1. (Eng. Law) A widow endowed, or having a jointure; a widow who either enjoys a dower from her deceased husband, or has property of her own brought by her to her husband on marriage, and settled on her after his decease. --Blount. - I realize I can't possible be a widow. Guess I'll just have to settle for the endowed bit :) So - the male lace makers who've been here since 1995, will henceforth just have to be referred to as Endowed Arachnes as distinct from our Dowagers. David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] Re: Irish crochet skirt on eBay
Since I'm an Arachne Dowager, with more than 10yrs of seniority and tons of Hey, so am I. Shall we strike a bobbin for the Arachne dowagers ~ or perhaps a needlepin... :p Me too - but what on earth do you call a dowager bloke??? David in Ballarat -- bye for now Bev in Sooke BC (on Vancouver Island, west coast of Canada) Cdn. floral bobbins www.woodhavenbobbins.com - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/146 - Release Date: 21/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Outhouse
One of my bygone recollections, as I recall the days of yore, is the little house, behind the house, with the crescent o'er the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low, knowing that you wouldn't be there, if you didn't have to go. Ours was a large three-holer, with a size for every one. You left there feeling better after the job you did was done. You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, night or day, to the little house where you sat reading copies of Womans Day. Oft times in dead of winter the seat was covered with snow. 'Twas then with much reluctance to the little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low, with shivers in mind, you'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth, as you sat on your behind. I recall the day that Grandpa, who stayed with us one summer, made a trip out to the shanty which proved to be a hummer. 'Twas the same day Dad had finished painting the kitchen vivid green. He'd cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and gasoline. He tossed the rags in the outhouse hole and went on his usual way, not knowing that by doing so he would eventually rue the day. Now Grandpa had an urgent call; I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house lingers in my memory yet. He sat down on the outhouse seat, with both feet on the floor, then filled his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the outhouse door. As he took a long draw on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on his mind. The blast that followed,I am sure, was heard for miles around; and there was poor ol' Grandpa just sitting on the ground. The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight; the celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight. When we asked him what had happened, his answer I'll not forget. He thought it must of been something, something he had et! Next day we had a new one which my Dad had built with ease. With a sign up on the entrance door which read: No Smoking, Please! Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago, of the little house, behind the house where we went, cause we had to go. ~ Author Unknown David in Ballarat -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.12.4/143 - Release Date: 19/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] New Lacemakers
At 07:44 PM 12/10/05 +0100, [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: What an achievement, David! BTW what are Gumnuts? It is a List of Australian Lace Makers - that way we don't have to concern ourselves with misunderstanding of slang :) David Dee Palin Gloucestershire - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/131 - Release Date: 12/10/05 -- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/131 - Release Date: 12/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Don't Mess with Kids
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask him. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, She's dead. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. Yes, the class said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples. Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/129 - Release Date: 11/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Last Words
LAST WORDS Lying in a hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of the bed leaned quietly over and asked, Do you have something you would like to say? The man nodded in the affirmative and the priest handed him a pen and paper. I know you can't speak, so use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife who's waiting outside. Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message, which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then moments later, the man died. After administering the Last Rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you. The wife tearfully opened the message that read: GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE NOW David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/129 - Release Date: 11/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace] New Lacemakers
Dear Friends, Last week I completed teaching another class in Lace Making for Beginners here in Ballarat. I duly gave each of the students info on joining Gumnuts and arachne so I'm hoping that soon we shall hear from:- Ina in Ballan; Lynn and Judith from Bacchus Marsh and Dawn from Ararat All were happily half way down the first bookmark in Rosemary Shepherd's book at the end of the course, and loving it. 2 weeks before that I taught a class in tatting and we now have 3 new real Tatting Ladies in Ballarat. I also managed to teach my older sister Raie SEMMENS in Hobart, Tasmania, via the phone and email. She has just returned from 12 weeks overseas with some completed pieces! It's a nice feeling :) David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/129 - Release Date: 11/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Women's Studies
Enjoy David in Ballarat Women's Studies A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.14/129 - Release Date: 11/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace] Geelong Show Judging
Dear Friends, I spent a long exhausting day at Geelong yesterday judging the lace at their 150th show. Of course I am unable yet to announce any results, but I'm sure the various winners will do that when they know. I have photographed every piece and so if any of you would like photos of their work just ask. You would be amazed what a digital camera shows when you zoom in 4 times. I also examined each piece in bright sunlight, which reveals other imperfections and indeed perfections :) I have also compiled a list of about 4 issues which need further discussion here, but will wait till next week to do so. Many thanks to all those who took the trouble to exhibit - it was a magnificent display, which had judges of numerous other crafts in awe. David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.13/126 - Release Date: 9/10/05 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] RC Humour
Wrong Side Of The Bed! Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, Good morning ladies. The novices replied, Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you. But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today. Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you. But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, She got out of the wrong side of bed today. Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary app! roaching , step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day. Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning. Mother Superior was floored! Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me. Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers. David in Ballarat No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.6/111 - Release Date: 23/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Subject: Duh!! Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident Oh No, the President exclaims. That's terrible. His staff sit there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks... How many is a Brazillion? David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.6/111 - Release Date: 23/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: Red hat no .....
Dear Tamara, Yet another fascinating email - thanks. Auel, in her series of pre-historic (fictional) books may have struck many off notes, but she *has* done a lot of research and her idea that sexually available women painted ther feet red, while not *prove-able* is an emminently *reasonable* premise... Auel is one of my favourite authors and this year I finally finished reading all 5 of her novels. I did feel she was labouring a bit in the last one though - too many flash backs to earlier novels and nearly 700 pages for a pregnancy?? David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.1/104 - Release Date: 16/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Disappearing Aborignal Languages
Dear Jen, A language expires on average every two years in Australia, and every fortnight worldwide. Of the 250-odd Aboriginal languages (comprising up to 700 dialects) spoken at the time of colonisation, each as different from the other as English and Dutch, some 55 have already gone, and the rate of extinction has never been higher. When I studied Aboriginal linguistics back in 1981, I learned all about those stats. However, I'm sure that many more than 55 have already gone. One of the main functions of our studies was to firstly learn the various phonetics in order to simply get languages recorded and transcribed accurately BEFORE they were lost. One of the most interesting aspects of Aborignal languages I found, was that there are actually 23 families of those languages - that is as distinct as Teutonic, Romantic and Slavic languages. However, if you draw a line from Cairns in Nth Queensland due west across to the Kimberleys, 22 of those families are NORTH of that line. The one huge family south of that line which covers more than 3/4 of Australia is known as the Pama Nyungan family. Another little tid-bit I recall having a great deal of fun with was the fact that there was only one language which had anything at all like our S sound. That is a Daly River group (possibly Malak Malak) but to say it you had to curl your tongue backwards and then blow! Try it - you may have heard it before. Of course, none of them had an F sound, and I shall never forget dear old Mr. GRIFFIN who taught for many years at Maningrida, NT. He was determined to get his Grade 6 kids to be able to say and F and not just substitute a P as they done for generations. How proud he was when by the 3rd term they could do it. Then after school had broken up for Christmas and he was doing the big clean up prior to being transferred in to Darwin, to his horror he found some large sprayed graffiti in the boys dunny which said Mitta Grippin's got a big frick! David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.10.19/94 - Release Date: 9/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Clocks??
Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, What are all those clocks? St. Peter answered, Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move. Oh, said the man, whose clock is that? That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that one? St. Peter responded, That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life. Where's Bush's clock? asked the man. Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan. David in Ballarat No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.10.19/92 - Release Date: 7/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Food for Thought
I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminium foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed, than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away . . . never to return. So, while we have it, it's best we love it, and care for it,and fix it when it's broken, and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away, or a class- mate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special . . . and so, we keep them close! I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper,' so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are keepers in your life. Good friends are like stars . . . you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close! TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY. 1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation. 2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home. 3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe. 4. God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it. 5. God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability. 6. God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend. 7. God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbours. 8. God won't ask about the colour of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character. 9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell. 10. God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to, He already knows whether or not you are ashamed to share this information with your friends' Keeper David in Ballarat No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.10.17/84 - Release Date: 29/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] FBI's Best 12 Deaths
Subject: FW: FBI'S BEST 12 DEATHS Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year. 1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. 2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. 3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he h ad just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later. 4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case. 5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston,clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent. 6- Megan Fry, 44 ye ars old, is killed by 14 state tr oopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report. 7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial. 8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many sympt oms,including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up. 9- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house,then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house,filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying,Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process. 10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of hi s property.Patty Winter would con stan tly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway. 11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend,Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side,and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased. 12- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,forming a force twice as
[lace-chat] Family History
The Story TellersWe are the chosen ones. (or why I am obsessed/fascinated with Genealogy. My feelings are that in each family there is one who seems called to find the ancestors: to put flesh on their bones and make them live again..to tell the family story and to feel that somehow they know and approve. To me, doing Genealogy, is not a cold gathering of facts but, instead, breathing life into all who have gone before us. We are the story tellers of the tribe. All tribes have one. We have been called, as it were, by our genes. Those who have gone before cry out to us - tell our story - and so we do. In finding them, we somehow find ourselves. How many graves have I stood before now and cried.? I have lost count. How many times have I told the ancestors you have a wonderful family. You would be proud of us all. How many times have I walked up to a grave and somehow felt there was love for me? I cannot say. It goes beyond documenting facts. It goes to who I am and why I do the things I do. It goes to pride in what our ancestors were able to accomplish. How they contributed to what we are today. It goes to respecting their hardships and losses, their never giving in or giving up, their resoluteness to go on and build a life for their family. It goes to deep pride that they fought to make and keep us as a nation. It goes to a deep and immense understanding that they were doing it for us that we might be born who we are: that we might remember them. And so we do, with love and caring and scribing each fact of their existence because we are them and they are us. So, as a scribe called, to tell the story of my family, it is up to that one called in the next generation to answer the call and take their place in the long line of family story- tellers. That is why I do my family genealogy, and that is what calls those young and old to step up and put flesh on the bones. Love David -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.13/78 - Release Date: 19/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] More on Embleton, Durham
Dear Friends, Since my last email, I have found that Embleton in Dyrham was a chapelry in the Parish of Sedgefield. So can anyone tell me what the main industry was in Sedgefield in the mid 1700s? Thanks David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.13/78 - Release Date: 19/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] English Social History Question
Dear Friends, In my family history studies I have recently discovered that there was a large German community living in the Parish of Enbleton, Co. Durham from 1730 t0 1760. Would anyone have any idea what they could have been doing there at that time. Many thanks David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.13/78 - Release Date: 19/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Irish Humour
Irish Maths An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test. Here's your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Without numbers? the Irishman says, Dat is easy. and proceeds to draw three trees. What's this? the boss asks. Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine, says the Irishman. Fair enough, says the boss. Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time. The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a Smudge on each tree. Dere you go. The boss scratches his head and asks, How on earth do you get that to represent 99? Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99. The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100. The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, Dere you go. One hundred. The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred! whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?! David -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.4/66 - Release Date: 9/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] SKYPE
Dear Friends, I'm about to install SKYPE on my computer - that's the most popular programme whereby your computer replaces your telephone for free. I'd be most interested to know if any other Arachnids have it. Thanks David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.4/66 - Release Date: 9/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Fun
Try this one. 1. Pick the number of days a week that you would like to have a drink (more than once) 2. Multiply by 2 (just to be honest) 3. Add 5 (for Sunday) 4. Multiply by 50 ( I'LL wait while you get the calculator) 5.If you already had your birthday this year add 1755, if you haven't add 1754 6. Now subtract the year that you were born. 7. You should have a three digit number The first digit was your original number The next two numbers are YOUR AGE. David in Ballarat No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.10.1/64 - Release Date: 4/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] New Indian Recipes
Dear Friends, On my recent trip to Fiji I got some more Indian recipes from Roshlyn - the wife of my friend Pravin, with whom I stay over there. Here they are for your enjoyment, David in Ballarat 1. - 1 large clove of garlic - 1 cup of mint leaves - half cup of coriander leaves - 2 hot chillies - chop and grind all together - add a squeeze of lime juice. 2. - three-quarters cup desiccated coconut - 2 hot chillies - 1 teaspoon of fenugreek - squeeze of lime juice - pinch of salt - chop and mix well 3. This one is a kind of Indian Yorkshire pudding :) - soak a cup of dahl for 6 hours - make 1 cup of boiled rice - mix the two together and simmer till it becomes a batter consistency - pour into cup-cake type moulds - steam in a pressure cooker for 15 minutes (or work out a longer way to steam them without a pressure cooker). -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.338 / Virus Database: 267.9.8/61 - Release Date: 1/08/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, I am a Father. The little boy replied, My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. The priest looked up from his book and answered I am the Father of many. The boy said, My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said, I am the Father of hundreds! and went back to reading his book The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Most Intriguing
Dear Friends, I was sent this website for fun and found it simply amazing. I tried it with many different numbers and it always worked. Could someone tell me how please? http://www.netprosol.com/psychic.swf David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Intriguing excuse
This is a translation of a letter which claims to be copy of a letter sent by a young Croatian man to the Croatian Secretary of Defense to avoid military service. An extraordinary piece of reasoning, worthy of attention of anyone interested in logic and family relationships. Dear Minister of Defense, Please allow me to explain my situation in a hope that you will be able to resolve my case. I am expecting to get the call to serve in the Croatian Army. I am 23 and I married a 47 year old widow who has a 26 year old daughter. Her daughter subsequently married my father. By marrying my wife's daughter, my father became my son-in-law. At the same time, my wife is a mother-in-law of my father, and her daughter is now also my step-mother. In September my wife and I had a son. Clearly this child is a brother of my father's wife, and thus a brother-in-law of my father. At the same time, my son is also my uncle because he is a brother of my step-mother. In October my father's wife had a son as well. This child is now also my brother because he is a son of my father. But I am the step-father of my wife's daughter and also a brother of her son whose father is also my father. Thus, my father's son is also my step-grand son because he is a son of my wife's daughter. Consequently, I am a brother of my own step-grandson, so I am also my own step-grandfather. However, according to the law, not more then two consecutive generations of fathers and sons (grand-father, father, son) can be called for military duty simultaneously, so I should be relieved from the military duty. Thank you for your understanding. The reply of the Croatian Ministry of Defense read: The applicant is permanently relieved from the military duty due to possible mental problems and mental instability caused by the chaotic situation within his family. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque but worth it :)
Teacher: Good morning children, today is Thursday,so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. Wee Jocky thinks, Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. Teacher: Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country' ? Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Yes, Jeremy ? Jeremy (in a very English accent): Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy- inauguration speech 1960. Teacher: Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday. The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined. Teacher: Who said: 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender' ? Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss. Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: Yes, Timothy ? Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech. Teacher: Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday. The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' ? Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,jumping up and down screaming Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, mee. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front Yes, Rupert ? Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong; 1969, The first moon landing. Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday. Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from ? Teacher looking round the class: Who the hell said that ? Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Funeral Joke
The Funeral A woman's husband dies. He only had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery; she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke, already? The widow says, Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, $13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it? The widow says, Three carats. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: pronunciation
And I mostly hear you guys (that's Michigan-accent for y'all) with my undetectable-to-me Michigan accent. You should hear Tamara's broad Australian accent way down here :) David http://www.michigannative.com/ma_home.shtml :) Lynn Carpenter in SW Michigan, USA alwen at i2k dot com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
Subject: These are quite funny Subject: Top Ten He Said She Said 10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear pants, don't you? 9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. 8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said...Well, you succeeded. 7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen' 6) On wall in ladies room: My husband follows me everywhere.. Written just below it: I do not. 5) He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said...That's a good idea you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?' 3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard. 2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on. 1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: Van Gogh's family tree
Dear Friends, Tamara, say gracht (canal) I'd do my best (imagine choking on a chicken bone twice, with an aaah in the middle), and the room would explode in friendly laughter; ah... they'd say, you *might* 'make it' in *Belgium*, but, in Netherlands, you need to practice a lot more... I had to laugh at that. When I was learning Dutch the phrase they used to give me was: acht en tachtig verschrekkelijkke kacheltjes [88 terrible little stoves]. My spelling is no doubt off a bit. Glottal is right, Lynn; we have trouble coping with it because, except for the Netherlands version of Dutch, glottal stops of that intensity are used only in African and Arabic languages; Actually I don't regard the g and ch in Dutch as glottal stops at all. Yes, they are guttural but not stopped. Aslo there are many Aboriginal Australian languages which have really good glottal stops in them. In the Gupapuynggu family of languages of Nth East Arnhem Land, the glottal stop is actually a letter in their alphabet and written with an apostrophe, e.g.:- wangalili' ngarra marrtji - to home I go. David in Ballarat And, to finish, here's a delicious (love the multiple meanings g) addition to the original Van Gogh's Family Tree: From: R.P. When I forwarded the Van Gogh joke, my malacologist friend (studies snails) replied with this: And of course, his snail-eating French cousin... Escar Gogh -- Tamara P Duvallhttp://t-n-lace.net/ Lexington, Virginia, USA (Formerly of Warsaw, Poland) To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Dear Friends, I'm biting the bullet here - don't mean to offend anyone, but it did make me laugh David in Ballarat The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle The war-weary Marine asked, Ma'am, may I have that seat? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat. The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant! This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place! An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] :-) Andy Rooney's Tips WHAT A HOOT, I LOVE THESE IDEAS!!!
Dear Friends, Three Little Words That Work !! (1)The three little words are: Hold On, Please... The stunt I pulled today worked well. I'm sure the call was from India and I was having a siesta at the time. I answered in a very frail voice and when she started her spiel I told her I was in bed terminally ill and only had a couple of days left!!! She wanted to know if she could call an ambulance, But I told her the directions would be too difficult to give for Mumbai and hung up. Poor girl didn't know how to handle it :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. Yes I do, she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' I remember that too she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... I would have gotten out today. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Toilet Humour
The Outhouse Ma was in the kitchen doing a bit of cooking, when she hollers out - Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse! Pa replies, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse. Ma yells back, Yes there is, now git out there and fix it. So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, Ma replies, Stick yur head in the hole! Ma says, Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix. So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around! and yells back, Ma hollers back, Now take your head out of the hole! Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat! To which Ma replies, Hurts, don't it ?! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] FW: Who's The Daddy?
Subject: Who's The Daddy? Who's The Daddy? The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] animal lace
Jenny, frog (green tree frog by preference) crocodile (or fierce lizard) dragon (my favourite animal) cow (granddaughters favourite animal is a brahman bull :) ) Nope - but I've got a beaut kangaroo here in Tape lace. David in Ballarat Jenny Brandis Kununurra, Western Australia -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.11.5 - Release Date: 5/4/2005 - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Granny's Apron
Subject: Fw: Granny's Apron This is precious. I don't think our kids know what an apron IS ... The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fuzzy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that old-time apron that served so many purposes. Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons. REMEMBER THIS! Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Dogs Cats - defiition
What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. * What is a Dog? Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Why Men are Happier
Why Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental -$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The ooccasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the story must contain the following three areas: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery. There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Unusual sighting in the nursing home
Dear Martha., . but this time it was a small kangaroo (well, maybe a wallaby - we don't know the difference up here), just lolloping along the hallway, peering in the doorways! After I left, someone told me there was a joey in a pouch at the nurses' station, but I was in too much of rush to go back to see it. When I was hand rearing Archie the Eastern grey kangaroo back in 1990, I was working in a rehab ward. He used to come with me every day and hang in his pouch which was a sewn up jumper (pullover/sweater) on the back of the doctor's chair. That was OK until the day he pissed on the floor :) Those 3 hourly feeds never have any let up - and that was for over 6 months!!! Fond memories though David in Ballarat -- -- Martha Krieg [EMAIL PROTECTED] in Michigan To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Re: FW: Fwd: What does love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, What does love mean? The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think: When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca- age 8 When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy - age 4 Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl - age 5 Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy -age 6 Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri - age 4 Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny - age 7 Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss Emily - age 8 Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby - age 7 (Wow!) If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate, Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet) Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Noelle - age 7 Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy - age 6 During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy - age 8 My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare - age 6 Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken. Elaine-age 5 Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris - age 7 Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann - age 4 I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren - age 4 When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. (what an imagination) Karen - age 7 Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. Mark - age 6 You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica - age 8 And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, Nothing, I just helped him cry David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] RE:tea cosies - now dimboola
Helen, Noelene - I remember that! It was made into a film with Bruce Spence as the groom. Don't remember who else was in it, but it was one of the Australian movies from around the mid to late 70's I think (maybe 1980, but no later). I once suffered the misfortune of being the Director of Dimboola. That was in 1984. It really is a hideous show. One of our performances was held in the golf club at Clunes and the audience got so carried away (and pissed) that one of them got up and knocked out the bloke playing the priest. The rest of the cast had to hurriedly improvise an alternative ending. In the meantime, I was also the band master and the bloke then came for me. Fortunately I was wearing a Construction Worker's helmet and simply put my head down as he struck. Think he broke a finger or two. Not the most tasteful of memories :) David in Ballarat Cheers, Helen, Aussie in springy and breezy Denver To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Gynaecologist
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting. The instructor said, During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total grade. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%. The instructor went on to say, I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Recipe for Corned Beef Water
Dear Friends, Got this great recipe yesterday from a friend when I phoned her to see whether there was anything you could do with the water from boiling Corned Beef. It was her Gt Grandmother's. I made it and it's lovely MUSTARD SAUCE for Corned Beef. In a bowl place: - 1 dessertspoon mustard powder (I used half Dijon and half Hot English) - 1.5 dessertspoons corn flour - 3 dessertspoons sugar - Now beat in 1 egg - add 0.5 cups vinegar - add 0.75 cups water from Corned Beef Stir while heating till thickens. Do NOT allow to boil or it will curdle David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Loyal Wife
A Very Loyal Wife... This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what? What dear, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. I think you're bad luck. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Airline Humour
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Headlines for 2029
Headlines from the year 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Baby conceived naturally . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent it. I didn't write it!) Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] A Good One
A MONKS TALE A new young monk arrives at the monastery and, as with all new monks, he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, We forgot the R, we forgot the R His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father? With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, The word is CELEBRATE The word is CELEBRATE. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] New Kitten
Dear Friends, As I type this I have THE most gorgeous little bloke sitting on my knee. It would appear that he is also learning to type! Yes today I collected my new kitten - Roxy's Gt Gt grandson, now known as Rocket. Although only 6 weeks old, he is eating and drinking well and has already used the kitty litter on his first attempt. We both have a big day ahead of us tomorrow when he has his first lace making lesson :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Handy Hints
Household Hints Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmm...) Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to. = For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!) = Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!). = Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel. = Whenever I purchase a box of S..O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way! = Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body? LOL = Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak. = Spray a bit of perfume on the lightbulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. = Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen. Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning. To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm! = To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it Will keep for weeks. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that?! :) To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief. Ants, ants, ants everywhere Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
[lace-chat] Many thanks
Dear Friends, Heart-felt thanks to all of you who took the trouble to email me about the passing of Roxy Hart. I read each and every word with a tear and have duly saved them all. This morning I got out my old engraving tool and carved Roxy's tombstone in a beautiful piece of slate which I found down the paddock. When it was done I mixed up some red ochre powder from the Katherine River and rubbed the paste into the lettering. It does look stunning and is exactly the same colour as Roxy was. Then I planted some little blue flowered reedy bulbs called Devon Skies all round her. Tomorrow afternoon I have to face Lindsay again. It wont be easy, much as I love him. Thanks again. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Birds The Bees
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, Grandpa, what is sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace] collection of lacemakers
Dear Friends, What's a good word for a collection of lace makers? A Motif What about a Spangle of lacemakers? - a beautiful circle of sparkling old beads :) David in Ballarat - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] The Buffalo Theory
Dear Friends, I've stripped this text from a jpg file sent to me by one of us recently. It was worth it - enjoy David in Ballarat The Buffalo Theory In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this Well, you see Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. in much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Do You Remember When???
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? All the girls had ugly grey uniforms or for games would tuck their skirts into their gym knickers? It took five minutes for the TV warm up? Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school? Nobody owned a pure-bred dog? When a penny was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels? You got your windscreen cleaned, tyre pressures and oil checked, and your petrol pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you even got trading stamps to boot? or an aluminum World Cup team coin or Tiger's tale. Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents? They threatened to keep kids back a class if they failed. . . and they did? When a Ford Popular was everyone's dream car... to cruise for girls in? No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, That cloud looks like a .. and playing football with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today? When being sent to the Headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home? Basically we were in constant fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, mobile muggers, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. Laurel and Hardy, Arthur Heap, Dixon of Dock Green Z-Cars, the Army Game, Rag Trade and Emergency Ward ten, the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers and Trigger As well as summers filled with bike rides, Swimming bathes and rivers, visits to the park and eating Rhubarb dipped in sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that? And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. How many of these do you remember? Telephone numbers and trunk lines you asked the operator for, Press Button B call Boxes, and if you had a phone at home, Party lines on which you could hear next door's conversations? Peashooters 45 RPM records Green Stamps Hi-Fi's Metal ice cubes trays with levers Metal Toffee trays with Hammers Roller-skate keys Washtub wringers Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Erector Sets --more usefull now? Penny candy Four and six a gallon for petrol Do you remember a time when... Decisions were made by simply going eeny-meeny-miney-moe? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, Do Over!? Race issue meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching the glow-worms could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three Best Friends? The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was Cold sores? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a caterpult A foot of snow was a dream come true? Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30- minute commercials for action figures? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Cigarette cards and a Clothespeg, in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons or folder paper cubes full of water were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!! David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Oestrogen, Women Pregnancy
Oestrogen, Pregnancy and Women PREGNANCY Q A more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. ESTROGEN ISSUES 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4.. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: How's my driving-call 1- 800- ! 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from outer space. 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cat's facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Army Life Oz Style
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland) Dear Mum and Dad. I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleepin in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do all the time at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineer's, - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in real quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. You loving daughter, Jill. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] True Definition of Globalization
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals. That, my friends, is Globalization. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Blonde Joke
Subject: Blonde joke A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, May I have 50 Christmas stamps? The clerk says, What denomination? he blonde says, God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Irish Robbery
ROBBERY This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, At least we'll have a bit to eat. The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Why Women Live Longer
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed. She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. Stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails. Dad called out, I thought you were going to bed. I'm on my way, she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patiowas on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. I'm going to bed. And he did...without another thought. Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] :-) So you think you know everything.
Dear Friends, In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Oh yeah!!!? Then how come people are farming emus and kangaroos? Not to mention having a budgie sitting on ones shoulder talking none stop all day. Also, I did think my friend Viv had tamed her possum, that is, until it tore the hell out of my arm :) David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Knickers !
Dear Linda, Just heard that Marks and Spencer`s made a donation to tsunami relief - thousands of pairs of knickers! What an excellent idea: I know that, if I'd lost all my clothes in a disaster like that, I'd be delighted to receive them. Only one thing wrong with that idea. Most of those people don't even wear them!! Have you ever lived int he tropics? A sarong is ample clothing - much easier for squatting too :) Love David in Ballarat Also, apparently most of the large companies donating things were paying to have it shipped to the various countries and distributed there. That is, it's not the same for them - they needn't follow the instructions given to us that gifts of old clothes would be counter-productive now. Linda Walton, (High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, U.K.). To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Disaster - 1st Hand experience
Dear Friends, I shall copy below an email from another of my Lists which tells of their experience in Thailand. David in Ballarat Good morning to list members 2nd January 2005. We have had first hand experience of the dreadful tidal wave as it hit our hotel in Penang on Boxing Day. Photos of our hotel (The EO) and flooding of the gardens, pool and hotel have been shown constantly on CNN, BBC and Skynews. There were 18 of us, including children who were in the pool when the first wave hit. The only thing that saved us was a small retaining wall about which stopped us from being smashed against the hotel wall and washed out to sea. The second wave hit just as quickly. By the 3rd wave we had been able to scramble against the wall and eventually get inside and climb upstairs. The waves kept coming - about 20 of them and they bounced as high as the hotel (3 stories). We contacted family and friends as soon as possible and found that the Foreign Affairs Office had us on their Missing Person List. We were happy to inform them of our survival. We have managed to get a flight home a week earlier than planned, arrived Perth last night 31st December.. It seems inappropriate to say happy New Year to the people in Asia. But to every one we know in Australia and across the world - we say it will be an extremely happy New Year for us and ours. Hoping the same for you and yours. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Ann and Terry Spiro Perth, Western Australia To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] It's New Year
Dear Friends, A quick note to wish you a wonderful New Year, and let's hope it brings us all much better news than the last one. Unfortunately yesterday I wrenched my shoulder and have torn a tendon, so that puts the cyber on any plans for Sri Lanka, but I'm still on the data base. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] the Disaster
Dear Friends, I must say I've been amazed that in the past 3 days all we can find to talk about is what Santa brought us, when the world's worst ever natural disaster has just occurred in the Indian Ocean!!! Hopefully many of you have been following the news and will know that there are some 70,000 confirmed dead already. However, for those of you who are unaware of the geography of Sumatra, that whole western coast is heavily populated and the helpers have not been able to get in there yet. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the death toll does not double or even triple. The Andaman Islands too, have not been assessed yet. And who knows whether the truth will ever come out of Mianmar (Burma). Then of course around tomorrow we can expect cholera, denghy fever etc. Has anyone heard whether Sulochona is safe? I think she was going to the coast for a holiday. I'm really annoyed at the coverage we aren't getting. When 9/11 happened all programmes on TV were suspended for about 3 days. For this disaster we have to wait for hourly news bulletins on the radio. But I suppose this time we don't have to be brain washed into believing that a war might be necessary - as if one ever is justified Love and thoughts David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Re: the Disaster
Dear Friends, If that attitude irks you, David... Well, you're a trained nurse, have no dependents... You can do more than I can: volunteer for in-the-field work out there. Just do it through a recoggnised organisation, not on your own. I am awaiting the phone call now to go with the next team to Sri Lanka. Of course I'd offer to help where I can David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Here's Here!!!
Dear Friends, come on , tell us , what did Santa bring you then ??? When he arrived he gave me a telescope. But I can't tell you what else he'd given me before he'd let :) David dominique from Paris .. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Here's Here!!!
Dear friends, It's now 1:20 a.m. in Christmas Day and Santa's just left. Boy what a treat :) Love David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace] For Sulochona
Dear Sulochona, Could you please contact me - my email to you is bouncing. David in Ballarat - To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Questions to Ponder
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp? What is the speed of darkness? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for normal people at the Special Olympics? If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Christmas Poem
A Politically Correct Christmas Poem Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to Elves, Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole, were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety, released to the wilds, by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear, that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh, because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA, And millions of people were calling the Cops, when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened, and his fur trimmed red suit was called unenlightened. To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose. He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation, demanding millions in over-due workers compensation. So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life, joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz, demanding from now on that her title was Ms. And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion that making a choice could cause such commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur... Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her. Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot, Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific, Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth. And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden, for they raised the hackles of those psychological, who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt, besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe. and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed, he just couldn't figure out what to do next? He tried to be merry he tried to be gay, but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day. His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground, nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might, give to us all, without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision, each group of people in every religion. Every race, every hue, everyone, everywhere...even you! So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Subject: Fw: Pasta diet and carbs ITALIAN PASTA DIET IT REALLY WORKS !! 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da ice cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. Also CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it. So I said, Implants? She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea... 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,Shit...that was fun! 12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 13. When I was young we used to go skinny dipping, now I just chunky dunk. 14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 15. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 16. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
