[lace-chat] humour
Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me al this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody!' Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' .. A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You'r not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' .. Looks of Disappointment A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was no 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in th church But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? .. Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.. . Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband:
[lace-chat] Humour
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe Bill had a cold or some such But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam got worried. However, Sam had no idea where Bill lived; so, he figured that he had seen the last of Bill. A month had passed when one day Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill!! Sam was happy to see him and told him so. Then he asked, For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you? Bill replied, I have been in jail. Jail? cried Sam!! What in the world did an old codger like yourself do to get in jail? Well, Bill said, you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee? Yeah, said Sam, his eyes getting wider. What about her? Well, one day she charged me with rape, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. So, the judge gave me 30 days for perjury. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque.
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS... A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, Do you Know me? To which she replies, I think your the father of one of my kids. Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery She looks into his eyes and calmly says, No, I'm your son's math teacher. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] humour
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, He mated 50 times last year. They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him. They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one. The husband looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow. NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
The husband leans over and asks his wife, Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. Yes, she says, I remember it well. Okay, he says, How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake? Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea! There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this? The old man says, Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
No sex tonight? I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreadsto hear...You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I don't feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy Your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. David in Ballarat Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.5/150 - Release Date: 27/10/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Subject: Duh!! Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident Oh No, the President exclaims. That's terrible. His staff sit there, stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President slumps, head in hands. Finally the President looks up and asks... How many is a Brazillion? David in Ballarat -- No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.11.6/111 - Release Date: 23/09/05 To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
I think we might have seen these before - but it laughter is good for the soul. Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities... but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She asked. Hunting Flies He responded. Oh. Killing any? She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell? He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. - At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control. George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses. Malvary in Ottawa To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, I am a Father. The little boy replied, My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. The priest looked up from his book and answered I am the Father of many. The boy said, My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said, I am the Father of hundreds! and went back to reading his book The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque but worth it :)
Teacher: Good morning children, today is Thursday,so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. Wee Jocky thinks, Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me. Teacher: Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country' ? Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Yes, Jeremy ? Jeremy (in a very English accent): Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy- inauguration speech 1960. Teacher: Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday. The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined. Teacher: Who said: 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender' ? Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss. Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: Yes, Timothy ? Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech. Teacher: Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday. The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' ? Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,jumping up and down screaming Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, mee. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front Yes, Rupert ? Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong; 1969, The first moon landing. Teacher: Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday. Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming Where the f**K did all these English b*st*rds come from ? Teacher looking round the class: Who the hell said that ? Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
Subject: These are quite funny Subject: Top Ten He Said She Said 10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear pants, don't you? 9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. 8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said...Well, you succeeded. 7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen' 6) On wall in ladies room: My husband follows me everywhere.. Written just below it: I do not. 5) He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said...That's a good idea you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?' 3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard. 2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on. 1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Dear Friends, I'm biting the bullet here - don't mean to offend anyone, but it did make me laugh David in Ballarat The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle The war-weary Marine asked, Ma'am, may I have that seat? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat. The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant! This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place! An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. Yes I do, she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' I remember that too she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... I would have gotten out today. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the story must contain the following three areas: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery. There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Subject: Fw: Pasta diet and carbs ITALIAN PASTA DIET IT REALLY WORKS !! 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da ice cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. Also CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it. So I said, Implants? She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: Buy one dog, get one flea... 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,Shit...that was fun! 12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 13. When I was young we used to go skinny dipping, now I just chunky dunk. 14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 15. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 16. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Subject: [Bulk] Truly...one of the funniest emails I've ever received Ok...this one is a keeper. Enjoy your day! deb Subject: Re: Science and Logic at its best The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God. THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, Tell me,Grace; who created the universe? When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her,took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty! shouted Grace, and the Nun said, Very good. Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, Who is our Lord and Savior? But, Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. Jesus Christ! shouted Grace and the Nun said Very Good and Grace sat back down and started to fall back asleep. Then the Nun asked Grace a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! The Nun fainted. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
Get back time !! :) David in Ballarat A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! The wife stared at him. What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied, I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the f$#%ing car. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - Risque
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin. What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if you've been married ten times? Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited! Good, said the new husband, but, why? You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is probably reality. :) I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape so I asked my doctor's permission if I could go to a fitness club to start exercising. He said I could take an aerobics class for seniors so I joined one. The first time I went, I bent, I twisted, I gyrated, I jumped up, I jumped down, and I perspired for more than an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. * Chapter 1: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run a marathon. 4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 6. Things you buy now won't wear out. 7. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 10 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER 1. Sag, You're it. 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc, Doc, Goose. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners. Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the room this winter. Rather than just saying you're not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WHERE... 1. OLD IS WHEN. Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Pick one, I can't do both! 2. OLD IS WHEN. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. 3. OLD IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 4. OLD IS WHEN. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 5. OLD IS WHEN. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 6. OLD IS WHEN. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 7. OLD IS WHEN. Getting a little action means I don't need to take any fiber today. 8. OLD IS WHEN. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 9. OLD IS WHEN. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes red? The gentlemen responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red? No she replied, but my cucumbers are enormous David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, exits, etc. Finally, she said, Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination. Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman? Yes, said the attendant, In fact, this entire crew is female. My God, said Joe, I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit. That's another thing sir, said the attendant, We no longer call it the Cock-pit, it's now the Box-office. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - OK
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant! If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company! If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the hotel. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television! If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer! If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline! And if a woman buys a cup of coffee and scalds herself when she spills it in her lap, she blames the restaurant for not warning her it was hot! I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled rear is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay! David David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour UP
Ever stop to think about UP? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is UP. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP !! before I f**k up. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Humour UP
At 07:06 AM 6/21/2004, you wrote: When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. I learned When it rains, it wets DOWN the earth. Maybe the rain goes the other way on the other side of the world. G Alice in Oregon -- where I'm ready to go to an all-day lace workshop. To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - bit risque
Let the story begin I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier. I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, No honey, I don't feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, WHAT??!!! I then said Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs flyover a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Humour
David, that is wonderful I intend sending it to my brother, who has step-children living interstate...you might just've saved him a lot of money! Ruth Budge (Sydney, Australia) --- David Collyer [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote: An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her, and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like heck they're getting divorced, she shouts, I'll take care of this. She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares. Find local movie times and trailers on Yahoo! Movies. http://au.movies.yahoo.com To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Humour
In a message dated 14/04/2004 16:23:48 GMT Daylight Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: David! I am that wife. At a talk yesterday a lady looked at a picture of Iain and I, in a wedding frame lace edging, when we married 38 years ago. She said dear didn't you used to be pretty. I'm gutted!!! KEEP LACING, VIVIENNE, BIGGINS Vivenne, Don't you love the way that some people have of being totally tactless and then wondering why on earth you might be hurt? One of my clients looked at me and said 'Liz you've lost weight, well you need to loose more though' We decided it was time to work on his interpersonal skills Regards Liz Beecher I'm blogging now - see what it's all about To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. You know, dear, she says, I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. She turns to her husband and says, Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself. He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well, .there's nothing wrong with your eyesight. Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.Anselm's Memorial Chapel. David in Ballarat To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: [lace-chat] Humour
David! I am that wife. At a talk yesterday a lady looked at a picture of Iain and I, in a wedding frame lace edging, when we married 38 years ago. She said dear didn't you used to be pretty. I'm gutted!!! KEEP LACING, VIVIENNE, BIGGINS To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour!
Wow! Some jokes (maybe real stories??) that I don't remember seeing on chat already ! Sue Babbs [EMAIL PROTECTED] A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. - -Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, remorsefully replied the patient. - -Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart, - -Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began: Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now, Left, I said. Again, a flawless read. Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. - -Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one? I asked.The patch.The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - -Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive, - -Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning? It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a packet labeled KY Jelly. -Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB,was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied, No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
I lookd at the monologue site, and the words of Gerard Hoffnung's The Bricklayer's Story, which was mentioned a few weeks ago, are there in full: http://www.monologues.co.uk/Bricklayers_Story.htm Jean in Poole To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
While looking for the full text of Is He An Aussie, I found the following site: http://www.monologues.co.uk Which has the words of almost every (English) monologue on it! And a few ring-ins besides, like Bob Newhart's Introduction of Tobacco to Civilisation Noelene in Cooma [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://members.ozemail.com.au/~nlafferty/ To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour - risque
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?, says the 7 year old, I think it's about time we started swearing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK? The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops. WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
The Eulogy She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? The friend replied, I think he means her legs. David To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Humour
--Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you et thus hour but there es un emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week. Shuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined! We're going to hef to shup some en from abroad... Britain?... No chence!! The Poms wull have a field day on thus one! What about Australia? Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; tun enches long and eight enches thuck! Thet way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!! Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one. MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED]
