Aye, that would be me. Though I've engaged countless therapists and therapies, I've never been able to shed those feelings of worthlessness, of always having done something wrong, of shame for who and what I am. Nor have I been able to undo or step outside the strong self-destructiveness that is deep within me and still controls many of my thoughts, words and deeds to this day. This is why I am live in poverty amidst the dregs of humanity today. Deep inside I feel this is where I belong. It takes all my strength sometimes to avoid taking myself out of this pathetic life.
This is not to say that I don't have times when I feel mentally healthy and worthy of good things, but they are fleeting, constantly being shoved aside and disregarded by other feelings which go all the way back to my childhood which I've never been able to shed at all. <<<gruff Gruff Then I would have to conclude that you had in some way found comfort in being where you were/are and really have no need to step out of it, save for the sake of trying to live up to some implied social value, that we are not supposed to be "there" and if we are we should seek help. It may be that you should simply view the entirety of the experience as being not only acceptable but also advantageous thereby allowing for the dissipation of negative feelings. There must be countless times that you are engaged in a situation where you are unaware that your life experience is the basis of your ability to facilitate positive change somewhere for someone else. Analogously, what would Moses have accomplished if he had not the enriched upbringing and suffering of banishment in the desert? How different it would had been if he simply became a drunken fool in his desert dwelling constantly reflecting on his "loss" of Egyptian entitlement. Instead he utilized the entire experience to move forward with the confidence and wisdom he acquired from it. The fleeting moments of wholeness are probably a result of feeling uncomfortable being out of the comfort zone, like cold feet moments. Sometimes, regardless of the quality, we choose to stay within negative areas of familiarity, where we know where we are and what to expect. It is something like being institutionalized for so long that life on the outside, though representing the freedom that was dreamed about for years, is scary and unpredictable. Perhaps you have more going for you than most considering the freedoms that you have created for yourself, the loosed responsibilities, fiscal, social and familial. Some that you may have thought had it better are living in tent cities without the amenities you are afforded. Fact is you live like royalty compared to the slum dogs. Don't forget the A-1 On May 11, 10:37 am, gruff <[email protected]> wrote: > "... On May 10, 2:17 pm, Slip Disc <[email protected]> wrote: ..." > > > I would agree to a certain point. As a child the experiences make up > > 98% of life and character, but as we grow and move on to different > > experiences those early experiences become more the 80% and so on. At > > your age I would think that those experiences would comprise a scant > > 1%. > > I only wish that were universally true, but for some -- myself > included -- those early experiences hung on in a greater proportion. > At 69 I still suffer from a strong self-destruct psychology > > > the person from their life experiences". In my days of counseling I > > found that those who were not able to shed their skin and walk about > > anew were the ones who would carry the most burden, harbor the deepest > > scars and suffer endlessly, though needlessly. > > Aye, that would be me. Though I've engaged countless therapists and > therapies, I've never been able to shed those feelings of > worthlessness, of always having done something wrong, of shame for who > and what I am. Nor have I been able to undo or step outside the > strong self-destructiveness that is deep within me and still controls > many of my thoughts, words and deeds to this day. This is why I am > live in poverty amidst the dregs of humanity today. Deep inside I > feel this is where I belong. It takes all my strength sometimes to > avoid taking myself out of this pathetic life. > > This is not to say that I don't have times when I feel mentally > healthy and worthy of good things, but they are fleeting, constantly > being shoved aside and disregarded by other feelings which go all the > way back to my childhood which I've never been able to shed at all. > > > Part of that > > shedding process you should be familiar with, mainly the changing of > > environment and all social surroundings, a spiritual awakening through > > retreat. > > Though I've done a lot of environmental and social changing, I've > always carried those debilitations with me. I've found one can never > run away from a problem. We always carry them with wherever we go. > Nor am I the only one who has never been able to step outside their > upbringing. I know of many who are far worse off than I and in this > regard I consider myself to be somewhat fortunate. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups ""Minds Eye"" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [email protected] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/Minds-Eye?hl=en -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
