One solace I indulge frequently is that my suffering is preparation for what lies beyond, if indeed anything does. You are aware I'm atheist but that does not preclude -- to my thinking and belief -- a continuation of this consciousness, this sentience, after the conclusion of my time here. I can only hope I have prepared well. <<gruff
Ah yes, so you do have a soul! Your atheism is another subject on a different platform and though associated it is a mechanism all of it's own. I would say you are very well prepared and have stored much to be useful later. It has been a pleasure to know you within this forum format. Onward! On May 14, 9:16 am, gruff <[email protected]> wrote: > "... On May 13, 4:47 pm, Slip Disc <[email protected]> wrote: ..." > > > Then I would have to conclude that you had in some way found comfort > > in being where you were/are and really have no need to step out of it, > > save for the sake of trying to live up to some implied social value, > > that we are not supposed to be "there" and if we are we should seek > > help. > > You nailed it. This was a lesson in human and my own psychology I > learned quite a while back -- that a person, me in this case, can stay > in the misery of their own perceptions because it is a known situation > and therefore to some degree comfortable and safe. I believe a great > deal of it has to do with the genetic and environmental guilt I > inherited via my jewish and catholic background. I've always been > generous with everything I possess but have avoided being the > recipient of anyone else's generosity or even their thanks. Receiving > a gift or being thanked have always made me uncomfortable. > > But all that aside, which could easily turn into pathetic woe is me > self-pity, I've had an exciting time, been down a lot of paths, > experienced a great deal of life that is not the norm, all of which I > think has given me a unique perspective on the whole thing. I have a > broad understanding and grasp of this existence which I enjoy in spite > of the apparent and not so apparent degradations to which I subject > myself. I sport an ego about some of my talents and beat myself over > others lost and wasted. I do not rush to meet death in spite of my > occasional leanings toward self annihilation but when it comes I think > I'll greet it with willingness.and expectation. > > > It may be that you should simply view the entirety of the > > experience as being not only acceptable but also advantageous thereby > > allowing for the dissipation of negative feelings. > > I think to a large degree that is exactly what I do which in turn > allows me to achieve the insights and understanding which a few here > have enjoyed via my comments and thoughts. > > > There must be > > countless times that you are engaged in a situation where you are > > unaware that your life experience is the basis of your ability to > > facilitate positive change somewhere for someone else. > > Yes, and at times I am even aware of it which seems to enhance the > negative perception that had I not been burdened by some of my self- > defeating mechanisms I might have done more and better. Everything > good becomes tainted by that negativity. I readily see the flaws, the > imperfections, the failures in any successes I've had. When I write a > piece and it's published, I dwell on the errors I know are present, on > the short-cuts I took, on the failure to do my best. It doesn't > matter that a piece may be praised by others and that I may be paid > for it, I know what's wrong with it and dwell in that land of negative > nod. > > I suppose somewhere along the line there may be some benefit accruing > to all this self-loathing, but I'll be damned if I can see it > clearly. Yet, ironically and absurdly, for much of my middle life > I've also had a strong feeling that somewhere somehow I was destined > for greatness in some form. This may also have been merely a > compensation mechanism to prevent me from getting too close to a > dangerous edge. > > > Analogously, > > what would Moses have accomplished if he had not the enriched > > upbringing and suffering of banishment in the desert? How different > > it would had been if he simply became a drunken fool in his desert > > dwelling constantly reflecting on his "loss" of Egyptian entitlement. > > Instead he utilized the entire experience to move forward with the > > confidence and wisdom he acquired from it. > > Confidence is something I've not often had in useful quantities and > wisdom is a quality I've only come to possess in small quantities in > old age. I've never felt like Moses and feel uncomfortable in a > leadership position. I prefer working behind the scenes, out of sight > and out of mind. Public acclaim makes me break out in a cold sweat. > But I've often compared myself to Job. > > > The fleeting moments of wholeness are probably a result of feeling > > uncomfortable being out of the comfort zone, like cold feet moments. > > Sometimes, regardless of the quality, we choose to stay within > > negative areas of familiarity, where we know where we are and what to > > expect. It is something like being institutionalized for so long that > > life on the outside, though representing the freedom that was dreamed > > about for years, is scary and unpredictable. > > Exactly. I've become institutionalized within the prison of my own > self-destructiveness and the freedom of which you speak is very scary > indeed. > > > Perhaps you have more > > going for you than most considering the freedoms that you have created > > for yourself, the loosed responsibilities, fiscal, social and > > familial. Some that you may have thought had it better are living in > > tent cities without the amenities you are afforded. Fact is you live > > like royalty compared to the slum dogs. Don't forget the A-1 > > In a very real sense this is absolutely true. I have gained a lack of > attachment to possessions, a freedom to move about without burdens, > and the ability to turn my back on everything and head down a new path > should the responsibilities get to scary. And I am well aware that > compared to many -- even most -- in this world, I live in relative > comfort yet the thought provides no satisfaction or sense of > accomplishment. > > One solace I indulge frequently is that my suffering is preparation > for what lies beyond, if indeed anything does. You are aware I'm > atheist but that does not preclude -- to my thinking and belief -- a > continuation of this consciousness, this sentience, after the > conclusion of my time here. I can only hope I have prepared well. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups ""Minds Eye"" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [email protected] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/Minds-Eye?hl=en -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
