"... On May 13, 4:47 pm, Slip Disc <[email protected]> wrote: ..."
> Then I would have to conclude that you had in some way found comfort > in being where you were/are and really have no need to step out of it, > save for the sake of trying to live up to some implied social value, > that we are not supposed to be "there" and if we are we should seek > help. You nailed it. This was a lesson in human and my own psychology I learned quite a while back -- that a person, me in this case, can stay in the misery of their own perceptions because it is a known situation and therefore to some degree comfortable and safe. I believe a great deal of it has to do with the genetic and environmental guilt I inherited via my jewish and catholic background. I've always been generous with everything I possess but have avoided being the recipient of anyone else's generosity or even their thanks. Receiving a gift or being thanked have always made me uncomfortable. But all that aside, which could easily turn into pathetic woe is me self-pity, I've had an exciting time, been down a lot of paths, experienced a great deal of life that is not the norm, all of which I think has given me a unique perspective on the whole thing. I have a broad understanding and grasp of this existence which I enjoy in spite of the apparent and not so apparent degradations to which I subject myself. I sport an ego about some of my talents and beat myself over others lost and wasted. I do not rush to meet death in spite of my occasional leanings toward self annihilation but when it comes I think I'll greet it with willingness.and expectation. > It may be that you should simply view the entirety of the > experience as being not only acceptable but also advantageous thereby > allowing for the dissipation of negative feelings. I think to a large degree that is exactly what I do which in turn allows me to achieve the insights and understanding which a few here have enjoyed via my comments and thoughts. > There must be > countless times that you are engaged in a situation where you are > unaware that your life experience is the basis of your ability to > facilitate positive change somewhere for someone else. Yes, and at times I am even aware of it which seems to enhance the negative perception that had I not been burdened by some of my self- defeating mechanisms I might have done more and better. Everything good becomes tainted by that negativity. I readily see the flaws, the imperfections, the failures in any successes I've had. When I write a piece and it's published, I dwell on the errors I know are present, on the short-cuts I took, on the failure to do my best. It doesn't matter that a piece may be praised by others and that I may be paid for it, I know what's wrong with it and dwell in that land of negative nod. I suppose somewhere along the line there may be some benefit accruing to all this self-loathing, but I'll be damned if I can see it clearly. Yet, ironically and absurdly, for much of my middle life I've also had a strong feeling that somewhere somehow I was destined for greatness in some form. This may also have been merely a compensation mechanism to prevent me from getting too close to a dangerous edge. > Analogously, > what would Moses have accomplished if he had not the enriched > upbringing and suffering of banishment in the desert? How different > it would had been if he simply became a drunken fool in his desert > dwelling constantly reflecting on his "loss" of Egyptian entitlement. > Instead he utilized the entire experience to move forward with the > confidence and wisdom he acquired from it. Confidence is something I've not often had in useful quantities and wisdom is a quality I've only come to possess in small quantities in old age. I've never felt like Moses and feel uncomfortable in a leadership position. I prefer working behind the scenes, out of sight and out of mind. Public acclaim makes me break out in a cold sweat. But I've often compared myself to Job. > The fleeting moments of wholeness are probably a result of feeling > uncomfortable being out of the comfort zone, like cold feet moments. > Sometimes, regardless of the quality, we choose to stay within > negative areas of familiarity, where we know where we are and what to > expect. It is something like being institutionalized for so long that > life on the outside, though representing the freedom that was dreamed > about for years, is scary and unpredictable. Exactly. I've become institutionalized within the prison of my own self-destructiveness and the freedom of which you speak is very scary indeed. > Perhaps you have more > going for you than most considering the freedoms that you have created > for yourself, the loosed responsibilities, fiscal, social and > familial. Some that you may have thought had it better are living in > tent cities without the amenities you are afforded. Fact is you live > like royalty compared to the slum dogs. Don't forget the A-1 In a very real sense this is absolutely true. I have gained a lack of attachment to possessions, a freedom to move about without burdens, and the ability to turn my back on everything and head down a new path should the responsibilities get to scary. And I am well aware that compared to many -- even most -- in this world, I live in relative comfort yet the thought provides no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment. One solace I indulge frequently is that my suffering is preparation for what lies beyond, if indeed anything does. You are aware I'm atheist but that does not preclude -- to my thinking and belief -- a continuation of this consciousness, this sentience, after the conclusion of my time here. I can only hope I have prepared well. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups ""Minds Eye"" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [email protected] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/Minds-Eye?hl=en -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
