[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

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and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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So "The Lord Of The Rings II - The Two Towers" opened last night (this morning)
across the North America...and people lined up for hours to see it...I will be one
of the millions of people that will see it...but not until some time in January after
the rush has died down. The first reviews have declared it very slow moving, but
that doesn't surprise me because the second book was the hardest book for me
to read and I thought it was very slow moving! This sets us up for a fantastic
conclusion in part III. Whether LOTR II will do as well as part I remains to be
seen ... but it most certainly is the most anticipated movie of this year. If you've
seen it and want to give me a review...send me an email at: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

And don't forget ... Judy's Giftshop is still going strong ... if you don't think that Santa
is bringing what you want ... then get it for yourself! ;)
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>
http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com

Today's issue includes contributions by: BiteMe, SunAmy, Barbara,
Becky, Rubin, Kay, Keli, Barb, Greg, Marsha, Marina.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

Why do men feel so smart while having sex?

Because their plugged into a genius.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Town Desciption...
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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Christmas Classic!]

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? " "You're kidding me!
" "Who would buy that? " Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.

"What the hell is that? " she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll. "

"Who would play with something like that? " Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes? " Granny
continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, " Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth? "

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang
on! "

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace? " I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1961 Ken Foreman rocker (Thrashing Doves-Reprobate's Hymn)
1961 Brian Orser Canada, figure skater (Olympics-silver-88)
1961 Lalchand Rajput cricketer (Indian Test opening batsman 1985-86)
1961 Thomas Strittmatter writer
1963 Brad Pitt Shawnee OK, actor (Fight Club, Meet Joe Black, Legends of the Fall)
1963 Charles Oakley NBA forward (New York Knicks)
1963 Lori McNeil San Diego CA, tennis star (1995 Oakland doubles)
1964 Don Beebe NFL wide receiver (Green Bay Packers-Superbowl 31)
1965 Fawna Maclaren Santa Monica CA, playmate (January 1989)
1965 Angeliki Kaneltopoutous Greece, tennis star
1965 Brian Walton Ottawa Ontario, points race cyclist (Olympics-silver-96)
1965 Willie Blair Paintsville KY, pitcher (San Diego Padres)
1966 Kiefer Sutherland actor (Young Guns, Stand by Me, Lost Boys)
1966 Steve Dullaghan rocker (Primitives-Lovely, Lump of Coal)
1966 Aaron Jones NFL defensive end (New England Patriots)
1966 Gianluca Pagliuca Italian actress (Ugly Dirty & Bad)
1966 Patricia Neder Wauykesha WI, team handball right wing (Olympics-92, 96)
1966 Terry Phelps Larchmont NY, tennis star
1966 Tracy Byrd country singer (Keeper of the Stars)
1967 Bob Corkum Salisbury, NHL center (Philadelphia Flyers)
1967 Charles Christopher Rymer Cleveland TN, PGA golfer (1995 Shell-3rd)
1967 Dan McGwire NFL quarterback (Miami Dolphins)
1967 Tracy Hayworth NFL linebacker (Detroit Lions, Atlanta Falcons)
1968 Aaron Craver NFL running back (Denver Broncos, San Diego Chargers)
1968 Casper Van Dien actor (Starship Troopers)
1969 Andrew Murphy Australian long jumper/triple jumper (Olympics-96)
1969 Chris Dausin WLAF corner/guard (Scottish Claymores)
1969 Joanne Mills Sydney Australia, golfer (T25 Holden 1994 Women's Australian Open)
1969 Joe Randa Milwaukee WI, infielder (Kansas City Royals)
1969 Keith Piper cricketer (Warwickshire & England A wicketkeeper)
1969 Marco Coleman NFL defensive end (Miami Dolphins, San Diego Chargers)
1969 T C Wright WLAF running back (Amsterdam Admirals)
1970 Lucious Harris NBA guard (New Jersey Nets, Dallas Mavericks)
1971 Arantxa Sanchez Vicario Barcelona, tennis star (Olympics-silver/bronze-92)
1971 Frank Pimiskern CFL safety (British Columbia Lions)
1971 Joe Dziedzic Minneapolis MN, NHL left wing (Pittsburgh Penguins)
1971 Markus Finke WLAF running back (Rhein Fire)
1971 Neil Little Medicine Hat, NHL goalie (Philadelphia Flyers)
1972 Eric Unverzagt NFL/WLAF linebacker (Sea Seahawks, Scotland Claymores)
1972 Jeff Nelson Prince Albert, NHL center (Washington Capitals)
1972 Marcos Ondruska South Africa, tennis star
1973 Jason Williams Gonzales LA, baseball infielder (Olympics-bronze-96)
1973 Keith Washington NFL defensive end (Minnesota Vikings, Baltimore Ravens)
1974 Peter Boulware linebacker (Baltimore Ravens)
1975 Michael Barry Toronto Ontario, cyclist (Olympics-96)
1978 Naomi Lang Arcata CA, dance skater (& Peter Tchernyshev)
1980 Christina Aguilera Staten Island, NY, singer (Genie in a Bottle, What A Girl Wants)

.....and on this day in history:

1960 General Meeting of United Nations condemns apartheid
1961 Britain's EMI Records originally rejects the Beatles
1962 USSR performs nuclear test at Novaya Zemlya USSR
1963 Muskegon MI gets 3' of snow
1964 "The Pink Panther" cartoon series premieres (Pink Phink)
1965 Borman & Lovell Splash down in Atlantic ends 2 week Gemini VII mission
1966 Dr Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" airs for 1st time on CBS
1969 Britain abolishes death penalty
1970 Polish uprising fails
1971 1st Candlelight Processional
1972 US begins its heaviest bombing of North Vietnam
1973 Soyuz 13 launched into Earth orbit for 8 days
1974 San Francisco Visitors Center at City Hall opens
1976 "Wonder Woman" debuts on ABC
1979 Stanley Barrett 1st to exceed land sonic speed (739.666 MPH)
1980 Bruce Sprinsteen's concert at Madison Square Garden
1982 Flight readiness firing of Challenger's main engines; 20 seconds
1983 NBA San Diego Clippers ends 29 game road losing streak
1984 73rd Davis Cup: Sweden beats USA in Gothenburg (4-1)
1985 UN Security Council unanimously condemns "acts of hostage-taking"
1986 Mr Gates serves as acting director of CIA
1987 Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan's future president, marries Asif Ali Zardari
1988 Seattle Seahawks win their 1st ever division title with 9-7 record
1989 "I Love Lucy" Christmas episode, shown for 1st time in over 30 years
1990 National League announces Buffalo, Denver, Miami, Orlando, Tampa-St Petersburg, & Washington DC as 6 finalist for 1993 expansion (Miami & Denver win)
1991 DeForest Kelly (Dr McCoy on Star Trek) gets a star in Hollywood
1992 FCC vote 4-1 to allow Infinity to purchase Cook Inlet stations
1993 Kevin Scott skates world record 1K (1:12.54)
1994 Darryl Strawberry pleads not guilty on tax evasion charges
1996 TV industry executives agree to adopt a ratings system

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Tony, a Neanderthal kid comes home to his cave with his final grades,
places the big stone slab on the table, and immediately his dad takes
it and looks at it shaking his head..."D in language. I understand
that; we don't speak much, it's the first few times that we grunt to
communicate...E in math, I can understand: we are only up to 5...
but F in history...c'mon... Nothing has happened here yet !

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"Woman: An animal... having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all
beasts of prey... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to
talk."
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

If The Phone Company Ran A Restaurant:

BELLSOUTH DINER
1515 Peachtree St.
Atlanta, GA 30399
800-555-1212

SERVICES
Cod steak: $8.17
French fries: $2.01
Peas: $1.40

Limited Meal Service: $30.85
Knife: $0.60 Fork: $3.17
Metal Cutlery with Handles: $6.20
Table Access Charge: $1.19
Chair Maintenance Plan: $2.95
Menu Listing Service: $0.49
Bell Atlantic Condiments and Sauces (detail below): $1.11
Federal Fish Tax: $0.62
Local Menu Readability: $0.23
Chair-Falling-Over Insurance: $2.78

TOTAL: $61.77

Itemized Condiments and Sauces:
With Limited Meal Service you pay a fixed nightly rate for air
and water at your table. Note: Save 40% on air after 11pm.
Consult your menu for condiment and sauce rates.

Item Number of ml Rate per ml Amount
Ketchup 10 0.03 0.30
Salt 10 .01 0.01
Tartar 20 0.04 0.80
Total 1.11

Rest Room Usage:
#1 .10 per use (urinal)
#2 .25 per use (commode)
Note: Due to the non-discriminatory policy, women are charged
the #2 commode rate for #1.

Deodorizer for #2 use: .10
Hand Wash .02
Hand Dry (Paper Towel) .03
Hand Dry (Blower) .01
Mirror Use .01
Note: Tuesdays and Thursdays are "Bring a friend free" to the
restroom days. All other days accompanying friends .25.

Optional Spill and Breakage Coverage:
With the optional 2.95 spill and breakage coverage, if you spill
or break anything, you will be covered and there will be no
additional cost to you. Otherwise, spill cleanup will be billed
at standard union rates and dishes charged at normal Bell South
prices.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Stuff you never knew but will help you win a beer in the bar:

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named
after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"It's A Wonderful Life."

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The
soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown
and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to
have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his
discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

Many Americans speak a little German every day without realizing it as so many German words have worked their way into our language. Some words are identical in German and American and other words have slightly changed. Which words are identical?

A. Mother
B. Uncle
C. Winter
D. Wind
E. A and B
F. C and D

<Answers in Next Issue!>

15/12

Last Issue's Answers:

Some German words have become so commonly used in English that they are now considered part of the American language. Which of these is NOT an American word adopted from German?

E. They are all German words

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

The new husband had booked sleeping arrangements on the train,
thinking he was going to have a roomette or compartment, only to
find out he was on one side of the sleeping car in an upper bunk
and his wife was in the other one across from him. About 12
o'clock he started feeling married so he said to his wife, "Hey
honey, hey honey, why don't you come over here?"

His wife replied right back, "Well honey, how will I get over
there?"

"Don't worry! I got something you can walk on."

In answer to that, a fellow in the lower berth said, "Yeah, but
how in Hell is she going to get back?"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

We're still using the "Wayback Machine" to go back to Dec 18th 1999 ...
and there were only 14 days until Y2K...one of the biggest NON-events
in history:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m366.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m366.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as
America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to
Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most
believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written
by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what
Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first
words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred
miles on a galleon."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that his mother had
gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.

Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation
would be the best approach. "Well, son," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a
bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst
into laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat.
They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world
situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You
know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe,
"Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A Bosnian farmer says he's being inundated with offers
from people wanting to buy a pig born with two
penises.

Mica Ciric, from the North Bosnian village of Blazevac,
has called the pig, which also has six legs, Lucky.

He told local media: "There has been a lot of interest
in him either from people who want to raise him so they
can study his development, or others who want to put him
on display.

"I'm seventy years old, but I've never heard of anything
like it."

Local vets have said the case is very rare but not unheard
of. This March in neighbouring Croatia a goat, named Bimbo
was born with eight legs, two tails and two penises.

The goat, named Bimbo, became a local celebrity and was
often photographed by local media.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side
by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named
Forward and Away.

Years later the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.

Months passed and the wife finally saw her husband plodding sadly up
the beach. He explained to her that during the trip, Forward hooked an
enormous fish. After hours of struggle, the fish pulled Forward into the
water and they never saw him again.

"That's just terrible," said his wife.

"It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have
seen the one that got Away!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] D R A W I N G R O O M [||||]

Among this annum's Best Animation Oscar contenders are the prods of
"Lilo & Stitch," "IceAge," "Hey, Arnold - The Movie," "Mutant Aliens,"
and "Stewart Little 2." (LAD/12/12)

Nominated for a special "Meeting the Challenge Award" is the GOP for
making Strom Thurmond appear so lifelike.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Sam, was drafted by the Army, and on the first day as an
enlisted man, he was given a comb. The following day, the
Army barber sheared all of his hair off.

On the third day, the Army gave him a toothbrush. The next day, the
Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day, he was given a jock strap. That afternoon, Sam
disappeared, and the Army is still looking for him.

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

[Ed Notes: I guess we were all duped yesterday by the guy who reported
that someone had stolen bags of dog poop from the back of his truck...it
seems that this never happened and the owner of the company was only
trying to get some free publicity...I say he was full of shit!]

LONDON - Four suspected thieves who robbed a Chinese
food delivery man by hitting him with a bag of prawn
crackers were nabbed after police followed a tell-tale
trail of spicy sauce, British police said on Tuesday.

Police in the West Midlands said the takeaway delivery
driver was jumped on by a group of people who bashed
him over the head with the light-weight crackers before
stealing his food.

When officers arrived, they noticed a thin path of
sauce had leaked from one of the containers. They followed
it to a nearby apartment where they arrested three men
and a woman.

The driver, who has not been named, was not seriously hurt,
police said.

The four arrested were due to appear before magistrates in
Walsall charged with robbery. Another man was released
without charge.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There is one less drunk at the funeral.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Animating Michael Jackson
By Ian Wolff �2002

The limousine driver that Michael Jackson had sent to pick me up whipped the huge cumbersome (oddly smelling of chimp dander) vehicle into the seemingly endless Neverland Ranch entranceway, clicked open the microphone leading to the automobile's rear speakers and said, "Mr. Jackson wishes me to inform you that he is currently in his sensory deprivation tank, and will join you shortly, sir."

"I saw Mr. Jackson's last interview," I replied. "That must be one very powerful tank. In fact -- I'm surprised to hear that he still uses it, being that he no longer seems to have any sense for which to be deprived."

The driver cracked nary a smile and pressed on. "The front door has been left unlocked for you. When I stop the car, I would suggest that you run through it and lock it behind you as quickly as possible, sir."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"Whitney Houston was here yesterday, sir," said the driver, "and the animals are always touch squirrelly after having licked her fingers at feeding time."

"Are they dangerous?" I gulped.

"That's not really for me to say, sir," said the driver. "But for the record, let's just say that our pool-boy now knows what it's like to have non-consensual sex with a jonesing Llama. To most people, yes - I suppose you could say that's dangerous, but to several of Mr. Jackson's more prominent and repeat guests -- it's just another Friday night."

"He actually told you that he was molested by a Llama?" I gasped, shortly before making a mental note (should I somehow survive this gig) to kill my agent.

"No sir," said the driver. "But I'm sure he will if ever we find him. Unfortunately, all we have thus far is the pair of chewed-up Speedos we found stuck to seat number seventeen of Mr. Jackson's Ferris wheel."

Damn, I thought, as the limo pulled to a stop astride the estate's huge front door, I hope the boy at least got some cotton candy and stuffed animal out of the deal.

"Are you ready, sir?" asked the driver.

I took several deep breaths, gathered up my briefcase, gazed out into the darkness while scanning my memory banks for past Llama rejection lines and, after having drawn (I've lived a cloistered life) a complete and utter blank, shouted "Yes!" And leapt from the car.

I was through the door and had it locked securely behind me in what seemed like a nanosecond. I can't be sure, for it was all a blur, but I could swear that during my mad dash to safety, I heard something not only spit at me from a nearby tree-line, but also demand from me, in perfect English - Bobby Brown's pager number.

He wanted to once again endear himself to the public, so I was told by my agent, and he wanted to achieve this by volunteering to host an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live. That was my job, plain and simple. I was hired to write his opening monologue and coach him on how to best deliver it. No problem - or so I thought at the time.

"May I help you?" called a voice from over my left shoulder, causing me to spin quickly, whereupon a tall lanky butler, who was peering suspiciously at me over the nose bridge of his surgical mask, confronted me with a large silver tray of what appeared to be an assortment of various raw animal parts.

"I'm Ian Wolff," I said, while gawking at the large foul looking mound of flesh. "And you must be, oh - I don't know -- expecting Liz Taylor maybe?"

Again, nary a smile: "Oh yes," mumbled Egore, from behind the mask, while looking me up and down like one might an unruly puppy that had just tinkled on its master's Van Gogh. "The comedian and teacher of mirth, no less."

"That's right," I said. "And you're the butler and bringer of drinks. So what say you go tell Young Frankenstein that I'm here, and bring me a double shot of your best Irish whiskey -- on the rocks."

"I'll have you know that my name is not Egore, sir," it hissed, while turning up its gauze-covered nose at me. "We here at Neverland Ranch have no names. We are simply known as the we are the world, we are the children; we are the ones who make a better -"

"Don't you have a glove to wash?" I interrupted.

Suddenly (and nearly causing my heart to stop) the estate's massive PA-system sprang statically to life, and -- in an all-too familiar voice, was heard, "My lions are growling for dinner, where in the world are you, We Are The World?"

The butler's eyes widened in horror, "Excuse me," he begged, as he hurriedly dashed past me and out the front door.

"I'm dressing right now, but I'll be down shortly, Mr. Wolff," said the voice. "Nice briefcase, by the way."

Sweet Mother of all things under Heaven born, I thought, as my skin began to goose-bump harder than Anna Nicole's after her having just laid eyes upon an empty dessert cart at Pie-Pigs. I'm currently under video surveillance by the semi-nude crooner of "Beat It."

Several minutes (and Irish whiskeys on the rocks) passed, before he finally entered the living room surrounded by a flourish of ghostly sensory deprivations, to greet me.

"You must be Ian Wolff," he said, while extending a hand that he quickly withdrew when I foolishly reached to actually grasp it.

And you, I thought, as I gazed upon this ad-hoc cranial hodgepodge, must have been one of the prime visual motivators behind Lot's "Whatever you do, don't look back!" Admonishment.

"Yes," I replied, as I flipped open my briefcase and pulled the monologue from its confines. "Are you ready to begin?"

"Yes!" he squealed, before taking the monologue from my hand, clearing his throat and beginning.

"Just relax," I said. "And read it exactly as it's written."

"Hi there," he whispered.

"No, no," I interrupted. "You're opening a show here, Mike, and you can't build an underlying expectation of comedic frenzy by opening the show with a tone that sounds like the first stanza of a wake eulogy."

"Hi there!" he screamed.

"Close enough," I replied, before rubbing the girlish screech residue from my ears. "Go on."

"Hi there! First of all," he continued. "I want to say what an honor it is to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I was a little hesitant at first, being that comedy is not my forte, and the last thing I can afford, for those of you who haven't noticed, is losing any more face."

"Good!" I cried. "Go on."

"As for this crutch," he continued. "I was recently bitten by a spider, but the revenge is mine, being that after sinking its fangs into my blood - it immediately did a three-sixty on its tiptoes, grabbed its crotch and moon walked backwards into one of my nearby Petri Dishes full of skin bleach."

"Good," I lied, while mentally noting that his timing was worse than James Dean's on a hairpin curve. "Go on!"

"In case you haven't noticed," he more than valiantly pressed on. "Just owning the Elephant Man's bones wasn't quite enough for me. I had to have them surgically implanted."

"Good," I said. "Read on!"

"Sometimes people ask me what I do for fun. Well, mostly I like flying down to Roswell, NM - and scaring the crap out of tourists by running up to them and shouting 'I am Niktu, pilot of the 1947 UFO crash, where are my shipmates?"'

"What's that?" I asked, before covertly, as Michael turned his back to look -- slamming my briefcase into the head of his annoying little ear-hole inspecting Chimpanzee, sending it screeching from the room.

"What happened to my Pretty?" asked a bewildered Jackson.

"Don't know," I shrugged. "Must have had a Gorilla's In The Mist flashback. You really should get him a V-Chip. Carry on!"

Michael held the notes before him and proudly pressed forward. "Personally, in order to avoid the paparazzi, I'm thinking of moving to Area-51, where, rather than being a standout, I'll simply be looked upon as just another experiment gone bad."

"You're killing me!" I again lied, while looking at my watch. "Keep going."

"I got a call from Disney recently, asking me to star in a Christmas special called The Ghost's Of Noses Past."

"Go, you comedic time-bomb you," I grunted.

Giddy with obvious excitement over his newfound talent, The Phantom Of The Pop-Opera strode on.

"Nicolas Cage called me the other night, and asked me what Lisa Marie most liked in the bedroom. That surprised me, because I never even knew that we had one. How does one please the daughter of a King, he asks? Simple, bow gracefully, leave the room and go play with John Merrick's coccyx. What a sexually stunted little man is our Nicolas Cage."

"Score one for The Jackson Five's new jester," I said, while closing my briefcase and mentally preparing myself for a hasty Llama avoiding exit. "Now close this mean little puppy, you bad-boy!" I shouted, as the pre You Are About To Vomit saliva began tickling at the insides of my cheeks.

"In closing," he squealed inaudibly. "I'm proud to say that my home will be featured in the next installment of Friday The 13TH. It's just a cameo thing, mind you, which features a scene in which a young sorority girl runs for help from the house containing Jason, bangs on my door, is allowed in, and a few seconds later is seen running back towards the house containing Jason while screaming 'never-mind, please kill me!"'

"Super duper," I moaned, knowing full well that he would bomb like Nixon over Cambodia. "Where's my check?"

"I'll pay you when I get to, and approve of the jokes," it croaked.

"Those were the bloody jokes, you laser surgeon's wet dream," I replied. "Now pay up, you murderous affront to naturally inherited corpuscle."

"Oh thank God," I whimpered, while wiping the perspiration from my overtaxed brow in short response to my alarm clock's clarion call. "It was only a dream."

I leapt from bed, quickly showered, partook of a rejuvenating breakfast, and headed for the door -- only to be called back by the bug-like rattling of my telephone.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello," it spit. "What's Bobby Brown's pager number?"

---

Ian Wolff is a freelance humorist living
in Sunnyvale, CA. To read more of his
work, please visit his website One Brick
Short News at: http://www.ianwolff.com

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