���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> AND THE WINNER IS: I would like to thank the thousands of you that took the time to enter the latest Purehumour contest. The prize was a personally signed copy of Kim Burke's new book "Incidents and Accidents for Frazzled Women". Kim and I have known each other online for a couple of years and I hope that I gave her book a good boost with this contest! Out of the thousands of entries there could only be one winner...and the prize goes to David from New York. Congratulations David...and to everyone else...keep watching...there will be more winning to come! Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Cathy, SunAmy, Keli, Barb, Kim, Ruth, Marie, Josh, DA Funk. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She had no control over her pupils ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� While you're about it... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.188 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.188 Hey! We want to eat... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.196 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.196 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sign on the fridge in an office: "Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware, that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her." "Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Gordon Humphrey (Sen-R-NH) 1940 Joe Pepitone baseball player (NY Yankee 1st baseman) 1940 John Lennon rocker/Beatle (Imagine) 1944 John Entwistle rocker (The Who-Tommy) 1944 Peter Tosh Jamaica, reggae musician (Mystic Man, Mama Africa) 1945 Jeannie C Riley Texas, singer (Harper Valley PTA, Hee Haw) 1948 Dave Samuels vibraphonist (Spyro Gyra-Morning Dance) 1948 Jackson Browne Germany, rocker (Lawyers in Love) 1949 Shep Messing Israel, soccer goal tender (NY Cosmos) 1950 Gary Frank Spokane Wash, actor (Sons & Daughters, Family) 1951 Richard Chaves actor (Cease Fire, Predator) 1951 Robert Wuhl Union NJ, actor (Bull Durham, Good Morning Vietnam) 1954 Scott Bakula actor (Quantum Leap, Gung Ho) 1955 Linwood Boomer Vancouver, actor (Adam-Little House on the Prairie) 1955 Steve Ovett England, runner (Olympics-800m gold, 1500m bronze-1980) 1959 Michael Par� Brooklyn NY, actor (Greatest American Hero, Houston Knights) 1959 Mike Singletary NFL middle linebacker (Chicago Bears) 1961 Arlene Boxhall Zimbabwe, field hockey (Olympic-gold-1980) 1961 Jean Sagal LA Calif, actress (Kate-Double Trouble, Grease 2) 1961 Liz Sagal LA Calif, actress (Allison-Double Trouble, Grease 2) 1967 Carling Bassett-Seguso Canada, tennis player/actress (Spring Fever) 1975 Sean Ono Lennon John's son .....and on this day in history: 1951 Gil McDougald's world series grand slam helps Yanks beat Giants 13-1 (World Series #48) 1958 NY Yankees beat Braves 4 games to 3 in 55th World Series - NY Yankees appear in 9 & win 7 of last 10 World Series 1960 Cowboy QB Eddie LeBaron throws shortest touchdown pass (2") 1961 NY Yankees beat Cin Reds, 4 games to 1 in 58th World Series 1961 Tanganyika becomes independent within the British Commonwealth 1961 Volcano eruptions on Tristan de Cunha (South Atlantic) 1961 Yank Whitey Ford breaks Ruth record of 29 2/3 consecutive inning 1962 NASA civilian test pilot John B McKay takes X-15 to 39,200 m 1963 Uganda becomes a republic within the British Commonwealth 1965 Beatles' "Yesterday," single goes #1 & stays #1 for 4 weeks 1966 Balt Orioles sweep LA Dodgers, in 63rd World Series 1968 Government seizes oil fields in Peru 1969 Supremes release "Someday We'll Be Together" 1970 Khmer Republic (Cambodia) declares independence 1973 Elvis & Priscilla Presley divorce after 6 years 1973 Warriors-Cavalier game in Cleveland postponed because of wet floors 1974 Wash Caps begin a 37 game road losing streak 1974 Washington Capitals 1st NHL game, losing 6-3 to NY Rangers at MSG 1975 Emperor Hirohito of Japan visits SF 1975 Soviet dissident Andrei Sakharov wins Nobel Peace Prize 1976 Yanks 1st AL Championship game, beat Royals 4-1 1977 Soyuz 25 launched to Saluyt 6, but returned after failing to dock 1977 Yanks rally for 3 in 9th & beat Royals 5-3 for pennant #31 1980 1st consumer use of home banking by computer (Knoxville Tn) 1980 Princess Caroline of Monaco divorces Philippe Junot 1983 4 South Korean cabinet ministers assassinated in Rangoon Burma 1984 Kathy Sullivan becomes 1st US woman to walk in space 1986 Gilbert Perreault, Buffalo, became 12th NHLer to score 500 goals 1986 Senate convicted US District Judge Harry E Claiborne making him the 5th federal official to be removed from office through impeachment 1988 Dennis Eckersley, 1st to save all 4 games in a championship series 1989 Penthouse Magazine's hebrew edition hits the newstands 1989 1st NFL game coached by a black man (Art Shell), his LA Raiders beat NY Jets 14-7 on Monday Night Football 1990 Radio stations around the world play "Imagine" honoring John Lennon 1990 Saddam threatens to hit Israel with a new missile �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Dear God, Yesterday was an awful day for me... My wife ran off with her cousin-in-law. My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbour's cat, My neighbour sold his house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew up. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� It is all about money! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped." -African Proverb ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Women Need Help <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/helpu.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/helpu.html Kosher Carrot <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/46.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/46.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens. The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom, she said, "Did you just brush your teeth?" The husband answered, "Yes, dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Not the right place for sex... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.204 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.204 Getting the Gas Chamber... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.212 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.212 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" by this time she was fairly shouting. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Dear Tony, I have been unable to sleep since I decided to break off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� What is Lake Manitou's claim to fame? A. It is the most northern lake in North America. B. It is the smallest lake in North America. C. It is the only lake without any water. D. It is the largest lake on the world's largest island in a lake. <Answers in Next Issue!> 29/10 Last Issue's Answers: Which well-known singer can claim Hispanic heritage? D. All of the above � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Hooters and a Cute Pussy <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/45.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/45.htm Hey Dad, When I Get Old <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/sbtoon.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/sbtoon.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! October 9th 1999: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m318.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m318.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Do You F*ck On The First Date <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dyfotfd.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dyfotfd.html Your Balls <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dyfotfd.html ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/oct1.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note- books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the darn store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Worlds Longest Record For A Blowjob <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/49.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/49.html Aint It The Truth <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/50.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/50.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A woman is accused of circumcising her sleeping ex- boyfriend with a pair of scissors in revenge for being dumped. Chan Lai-ching, 46, cut Lai Kwok-fai's foreskin away with the scissors after he told her in bed their seven-year relationship was over, the South China Morning Post reported. It's believed Mr Lai woke screaming after the attack and was rushed to hospital where he needed 11 stitches. The paper reports it took him two weeks to recover. Chan is on trial before Hong Kong's District Court where she denies one charge of wounding with intent. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A lad comes home from school one day and his mum notices he's grinning from ear to ear "What's the matter with you, you look like the cat that's got the cream?" "Well mum" says the lad, "today I made love with my English teacher in the stock room". The mother is furious and says "just wait till your father gets home!" When the dad gets home he too acts furious but when the mother leaves the room he starts grinning too - proud as punch that his son has got a shag so early on. "Son" he says, "today you did your old man proud - you've become a man, and as a treat I'm going to take you for a pint then we'll go and buy that mountain bike you've had your eye on". "That sounds great dad" says the lad "but can I have a skateboard instead - my arse is killing me..." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] C R U I S E A B U S E [||||] A Homosassa, FL man drifted in his disabled 23 foot wave breaker for 17 weeks before Coast Guard crow's nesters spotted him dehydrated and in shock. (LA Times) Some people will go to any lengths to avoid those prime time TV season premieres. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Make sure he doesn't Jump... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.236 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.236 Just a little tif?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.276 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.276 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A star-crossed thief stole a bag full of cash from a North Miami Beach bank, but it was hardly a clean getaway. After grabbing the loot from a teller, he put a handgun into his pants pocket -- and it went off, startling everyone, including himself. Then he made a beeline out the front door and ran straight into the path of an oncoming van. The driver, unaware the man had just robbed the bank, jumped out and pulled him from underneath his van. The EverReady bandit kept going and going, limping over to a waiting getaway car with his bag. ''He was pretty banged up,'' FBI spokeswoman Judy Orihuela said. ``There was blood everywhere.'' A statewide alert has been issued for a bank robber who ''might seek medical attention,'' Orihuela said. Officials are also looking for the car, a red Mitsubishi Mirage, which was driven by a woman. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Did you hear that the Mormon Church has acquired Starbuck's? Now they're going to change their name to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latte-Day Saints. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today "All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged" ISSUE #23 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE I print so much anti-administration propaganda that one might assume I'm a hardcore Democrat. I'm not. If Democrats were in power I'm sure I'd be finding plenty to complain about. The United States has NEVER had a President in my lifetime I endorsed whole-heartedly. I think of Republicans and Democrats as Republicrats, two sides of the same coin, both part of the problem. The two-party system is like the tie salesman who says "Which of these two ties do you like?" As soon as you pick one, you've bought into the system. You're suddenly choosing a tie instead of being allowed to decide whether you want a tie in the first place. We're never given the choice of someone we actually want for president. It's always who we dislike the least. I dislike Gore less than I dislike Bush, but that doesn't mean I'm FOR him. He's a putz, just like most politicians. So I try, believe me I do, to show both sides of every issue, but I also try to steer you towards something with entertainment value, and there's the problem. For instance here's a clever shockwave movie against the privatization of social security. (http://www.blah3.com/64.html) I'd love to point you towards a clever shockwave movie FOR the privatization of social security but, to the best of my knowledge, it doesn't exist. The Internet is chock full of clever and caustic attacks on the current administration, but damned if I can find one single clever DEFENSE of the current administration. They're all straightforward and boring as hell. I'd never send you there. So in the interest of even-handedness, I'm asking you to please help me find one single pro-Bush site that's ENTERTAINING. Where are the shockwave movies where you blow up Democrats? Where are the audio-visual displays showing how great Bush is handling the economy? Where is the pro-war propaganda you can tap your toes to? Write your lonesome editor at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Hypothetical Question of the Week Imagine for the moment that you have a button in front of you, and if you push the button, every single vehicle with an internal combustion engine on the planet earth would instantly be converted to one that works on liquid hydrogen. These engines would provide the exact same power with no release of pollutants whatsoever except for a drip of pure water from the exhaust pipe. Every gas station on earth would be changed to a liquid hydrogen station, and consumption of gasoline on earth would immediately plummet, making the U.S. no longer dependent upon foreign oil. Would you push the button? Would George W. Bush? "Where self interest is the bond, The friendship is dissolved When calamity comes Where Tao is the bond, Friendship is made perfect By calamity." - Chuang Tsu (300 BC) - Insane Site of the Week Mr.T Ate My Balls. http://www.geocities.com/nkpatel/mrt/ Honorable mention: He-Man Ate My Balls, http://members.aol.com/skadavid/heman.html Batman Ate My Balls, http://www.uidaho.edu/~kowa9693/batman/batman.htm Kramer Ate My Balls, http://notendur.centrum.is/~loftur/kramer.html and Yoko Ono Ate My Balls. http://www.vt.edu:10021/J/jminton/yoko.html Word of the Week Ooching, as in "When your economy is, kind of, ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money." - George W. Bush - Wanna Bet It's Because We Sold Them the Lasers? Russia has attacked U.S. servicemen with lasers and, big surprise, the U.S. government has obstructed justice. The New TV Season So Far Presidio Med - Boring and awful, like ER at the wrong speed MDs - Serious and hilarious, great acting, superb writing, absolutely one of the best. 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughters - Pretty good for a sitcom considering sitcoms suck CSI: Miami - Intense and yucky, just like the other CSI. C'mon, give us CSI: 90210 John Doe - Follows the X-Files and Alias profile of one mystery solved per episode, with one BIG conspiracy mystery stretched out over the season. Damn good so far. Push, Nevada - Follows the X-Files and Alias profile of one mystery solved per episode, with one BIG conspiracy mystery stretched out over the season. Damn good so far. Dear Dr. Hollywood, Are you the Dr. Hollywood whose research focuses on the ionic mechanisms underlying spontaneous activity in lymphatic and urethral smooth muscle and examining how this activity is modulated by neurotransmitters and second messengers? I was just wondering if you had collaborated with Dr Keith Thornbury and Professor Noel McHale in demonstrating the presence of two distinct populations of cells (pacemaker and follower cells) in lymphatic and urethral smooth muscles. Since pacemaker cells differ from the bulk smooth muscle not only in their appearance, but in their electrophysiology and immunohistochemistry, I was curious if they have characterised the main conductances present in lymphatic and urethral tissues at both the whole cell and single channel level using patch clamp techniques. Have you assessed the contribution of each of these currents to spontaneous and evoked electrical activity? Sincerely, Dr. Hphnsteder Dear Dr. Hphnsteder, Huh? MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? October 7, 2002 WGA PROPOSALS FROM HELL The 12,000 members of the Writers Guild of America will vote November 14 on a set of proposed changes for determining credit for television and feature film writers. The four issues, condensed, are: 1) During credit determination, writers would automatically be anonymous. Currently, anonymity must be requested prior to evaluation. 2) For screenplay disagreements, a group of arbiters will decide who made the most substantial contribution to the final shooting script. If it cannot be decided, the screenwriters names will be listed in chronological order. 3) A more controversial proposal, regarding adaptations, will prevent the adapter from automatically getting credit for simply using the elements found in previously published material. 4) Also hotly contested at the WGA is the final proposal, which would make it easier for producers and directors who also write to receive credit. They currently have more a more stringent requirement of proving they have written 50% or more of a script to receive credit. While these latter two proposals have created a furor among some WGA writers, they are considerably tamer than those proposals which were rejected: 1) Writers over 40 who are about to lose their WGA medical coverage get automatic credit. 2) Writers who are under the age of 22 have to prove they have written at least 95% of the script. 3) Writers who have never written a previous script and are security guards, hairdressers, poolboys, accountants, astrologers or other non-writing professionals who just happen to know somebody connected with TV or film have to prove they have written at least 80% of the script. 4) Writer-producers who work in TV and have created another pilot with cops or doctors receive only net profit participation. 5) Writers who write about characters who are dying from an incurable disease, are mentally handicapped or regularly have chats with the dead shall have to prove they have written at least 80% of the script, unless they personally have the disease, handicap or can prove they talk to the dead, in which case their WGA health insurance shall be automatically increased by 50% with no additional cost. 6) Writers who have more than three (3) scenes with gigantic explosions or thirty (30) minutes of gunfire in their scripts shall have to prove they have written at least 60% of the script, that they do not own a firearm and that they are willing to take anger management courses. 7) Writers who create screenplays about historical characters shall receive automatic credit if a totally inappropriate action star is given the lead role. 8) Writers creating feature film scripts based on old TV shows shall be forced to co-write the script with the creator of the original TV show. If creator is not available, is dead or simply thinks it is a terrible idea, the writer and director and producers shall be forced to watch no less than 50 hours of the original show and then shall have the option of forgetting about the whole thing. - Brad Schreiber - COMMITTEE FROM HELL So who knew that the National Human Research Protections Advisory Committee had been disbanded because it had peeved the family-values crowd by not including fetuses in its study of research on newborns? Now the committee is being reconstituted under the leadership of a woman who helped to found, and three times served as president of, the National Right to Life Committee. http://ohrp.osophs.dhhs.gov/nhrpac/nhrpac.htm HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL In 1819, Congress ratified a 13th Amendment to the constitution of the United States. It has mysteriously disappeared from all current copies of the constitution. It reads as follows: "If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive, or retain any title of nobility or honor, or shall without the consent of Congress, accept and retain any present, pension, office, or emolument of any kind whatever, from any emperor, king, prince, or foreign power, such person shall cease to be a citizen of the United States, and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them." Archaic and unimportant, right? Wrong. It forbids lawyers from holding public office, and allows judges to be sued. What the hell happened to it? SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW He has a third nipple. INVENTORY FROM HELL Items sent from the U.S. during the Reagan and Bush Administrations that helped Iraq's non-conventional weapons programs and that were shipped to known military industrial facilities include: Computers to develop ballistic missiles and nuclear weapons; machine tools and lasers to extend ballistic missile range; graphics terminals to design and analyze rockets; West Nile Fever virus, a known potential BW agent, sent by the U.S. governments Centers for Disease Control (CDC); the agents for botulism, tetanus, and anthrax. QUOTES FROM HELL "A writer can make a fortune in America, but he can't make a living." - James Michener - "I have come to believe that freedom is ultimately the chief attraction of the writing life. I believe, too, that we are about as free as we recognize ourselves to be. The more I realize that material possessions have little to do with my happiness and that money is accordingly of rather little importance, the freer I am to enjoy this life and to fulfill whatever potential I have." - Lawrence Block - "If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you. " - Don Marquis - "Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion--in the long run, these are the only people who count." - Robert Heinlein - "Imagine a world in which the United States was stricken by a successful series of nuclear, biological, and chemical attacks. Putting aside the appalling loss of American lives this would involve, the global consequences would be horrifying. The world would be plunged into the deepest depression in its history. There would be no power-of-last-resort to uphold international order. Wolf and jackal states would quickly emerge to prey on their neighbors. It would be a world as described by Thomas Hobbes in his Leviathan (1651), in which, deprived of a giant authority figure 'to keep them all in awe,' civilization would break down, and life, for most of mankind, would be 'nasty, brutish and short.' Hence, we do well to look at the crisis not as solely or even primarily an American problem, but as a global one. We need a Leviathan figure now much more than in the 17th century, when the range of a cannon was a maximum of two miles and its throw-weight was measured in pounds. America is the only constitutional Leviathan we have, which is precisely why the terrorists are striving to do him mortal injury, and the opponents of order throughout the world -- in the media, on the campus, and among the flat-earthers -- are so noisily opposed to Leviathan's protecting himself." - Paul Johnson - "If we don't change direction, we're going to end up where we're heading" - Ruben Snake - "Everything is Dual; everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled." - The Kybalion - "History teaches us that it is not the rebels or dissenters who endanger society but rather the unthinking, the unquestioning, the obedient, the silent, and the indifferent." - Professor Leon Litwack - Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan This newsletter made entirely of recycled electrons. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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