���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> We're still recovering here from a nice Thanksgiving Feast that overfilled our bellies. My mother-in-law really knows how to fill you up at any of the major holidays...the pots on the table never seem to empty out as they are continually refilled. Our meal went on and on...and ended with a great selection of desserts....the meal is better than any restaurant meal with a much larger selection. And the doggy bag that we brought home was great too! ;) Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, SunAmy, Donna, Barbara, Terri, Marina, DA Funk, Colorado Kid. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: After preaching, we were invited out for lunch. I casually mentioned to the lady that I was allergic to cats. "That's okay Pastor," the woman said. "I'll serve something else. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Pretty?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.648 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.648 Whip me... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.649 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.649 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Little Johnny went with his mom and dad to his grandmother's house for dinner. When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't have to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house. She KNOWS how to cook!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Dave DeBusschere Detroit, NBA foward (NY Knick)/last ABA commissioner 1941 Tim McCarver baseball catcher (NY Mets)/sportscaster (ABC, CBS) 1944 Johnny Washbrook Toronto, actor (Ken-My Friend Flicka) 1946 Suzanne Somers San Bruno Calif, actress (3's Company, Step by Step) 1947 Bob Weir guitarist (Grateful Dead-Uncle Joe's Band) 1951 Daniel Gerroll London, actor (Big Business) 1953 Susan Pedersen US, 4 X 100m medley swimmer (Olympic-gold-1968) 1955 Ellen Dolan Iowa, actress (Guiding Light, Margo Hughes-ATWT) 1958 Tim Robbins actor (Bull Durham, Cadillac Man) 1959 Gary Kemp rocker (Spandau Ballet-True) 1962 Manute Bol NBA center (Golden State Warriors) 1969 Wendy Wilson singer (Wilson-Philips-Hold On) 1978 Abel Talamantez Texas, singer (Menudo-Cannonball) .....and on this day in history: 1952 Woolworth's at Powell & Market (SF) opens 1956 William J Brennan Jr becomes a Supreme Court Justice 1957 Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip visit Williamsburg Virginia 1962 Byron R White becomes a Supreme Court Justice 1962 Cuban missile crisis began as JFK becomes aware of missiles in Cuba 1962 Yanks (20th championship) beat SF Giants 4 games to 3 in 59th World Series (NY Yankees appear in 12 & win 9 of last 14 World Series) 1964 Brezhnev & Kosygin replace Krushchev as head of Russia 1964 China becomes world's 5th nuclear power 1968 During Olympics Tommie Smith & John Carlos give black power salute 1968 Milwaukee Bucks play their 1st game losing 89-84 to Chic Bulls 1968 Jim Dorey sets Toronto Maple Leaf penalty records (48 mins on 9 penalties in a game & 44 minutes on 7 penalties in a period) 1969 100-1 shot NY Mets beat Orioles 5-3 & win 66th World Series in 5 1969 Soyuz 6 returns to Earth 1970 Anwar Sadat elected president of Egypt, succeeding Gamal Abdel Nasser 1971 Amphitheater in McLaren Park is dedicated in SF 1973 Kissinger & Le Duc Tho jointly awarded Nobel peace prize 1973 Maynard Jackson elected mayor of Atlanta 1976 Soyuz 23 returns to Earth 1976 Toronto Maple Leaf Lanny McDonald scores a hat trick in 2 min 54 sec 1978 Polish Cardinal Karol Wojtyla elected supreme pontiff-John Paul II 1982 Devils 1st road victory 6-5 over Penguins 1982 Mt Palomar Observatory 1st to detect Halley's comet on 13th return 1982 Shultz warns US will withdraw from UN if they vote to exclude Israel 1983 Balt Orioles beat Phila Phillies, 4 games to 3 in 80th World Series 1984 Desmond Tutu, black Anglican Bishop, wins the Nobel Peace Prize 1985 Challenger vehicle moves to the launch pad for STS 61A mission 1985 Intel introduces 32-bit 80386 microcomputer chip 1986 Armand Hammer returns to US with Jewish refusenik David Goldfarb 1986 US govt closes down due to budget problems 1987 175-kph winds cause blackout in London, much of southern England 1987 Jessica McClure rescued 58 hrs after falling 22' into a well shaft 1988 Orel Hirsheiser, 1st to pitch shutout in playoff & world series (World Series #85) 1990 US forces reach 200,000 in the Persian Gulf 1991 George Jo Hennard, 35, kills 23 & himself & wounds 20 in Texas 1991 US Supreme Court begins to hear Joseph Doherty case �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In New Jersey there is a restaurant in the city. And inside the restaurant, in the ladies room, there is a magic mirror. Every time you look into it and tell the truth then *POOF* you may have one wish granted. But if you tell a lie then *POOF* you are sucked up into the mirror never to be seen again. Well, Wendy walked into the ladies room and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world!" *POOF* the mirror sucks her up. Next Keli walked into the ladies room and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "I think that I am the sexiest woman alive. *POOF* the mirror sucks her up. Last Anni walked into the ladies room and stood in front of the mirror, and said, "I think... *POOF*... ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Stuck in the mall again! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." -Gene Hill ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Cyber Pregnancy <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11d.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11d.html Cyber Chat <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11e.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-11e.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Pick-up lines that are guaranteed to work on any guy! I'll give you a nickel if I can tickle your pickle... Either my eyes need checking or you're the best looking guy I've seen all week. Is your dad a peanut maker? 'Cause you've got nice nuts! If you're naughty go to your room. If you wanna be naughty go to my room! Let's play pool. We can use your stick and balls and my hole! Did you just grab my ass? No? Well you can if you want too! You're ugly but you intrigue me. I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock. Do you have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? Wanna play fireman? We can stop, drop and roll. You've been a bad boy. Go to my room! My hands are cold. Can I stick them down your pants to warm them? I love baseball, so take me home baby! Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, so let's go screw! Do these look real? My bed is broken. Can I sleep in yours? My name is .... I'll be your play toy tonight! Hi, I'm a taudry slut looking for a good time! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The love NuN... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.650 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.650 Now That's a Ripper... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.200 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.200 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni was puzzled by the odd messages left on her answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." She discovered the reason for the joke when she decided to listen to her greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Sam and Greg were out deer hunting. Sam was pretty new to this whole deer hunting thing, so Greg had told him all about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc. Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sam heard some noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good friend Greg. Sam rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Sam, "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him had you just not gutted and skinned him." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� When Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon visited Florida in 1513 he named the region for what trait? A. Sunshine B. Flowers C. Water D. Heat <Answers in Next Issue!> 6/10 Last Issue's Answers: Where is the inventor of the piano from? A. Florence, Italy � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Why Soccer Is Not Popular In The U.S. <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/soccer.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/soccer.html Find The Dogs <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dalm.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dalm.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that, and I'll smash your face in!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! October 16th 2001: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m732.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m732.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� We were driving to work this morning when I saw a car on the side of the road which had a wheel missing. I said to my husband, "That car is naked." "Why?" he asked. "Because it is without a tyre." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� MailMan <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mailman.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mailman.html Pokemon <a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct2.htm ">Click</a> http://ezinesetc.com/oct2.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Something you really didn't need to know! The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, . . . and you wonder why the ocean is so salty? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again." "Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with that great looking broad?" "No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Big Jugs <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/42.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/42.htm My Ex Was Really Good In Bed <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/41.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/41.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Romanian woman is being investigated by police after she cut her partner's penis because he was trying to force her to perform oral sex. The 44-year-old woman told police her partner came home drunk from the pub and asked for oral sex but she refused and warned him she would cut his penis if he insisted. Because the 42-year-old man wouldn't give up, she took his own penknife and cut the organ. Eugenia Ceaun from Rupea town, Brasov county, is now being investigated for physical assault and prosecutors are waiting to hear from doctors whether the man's life was put in danger. Doctors managed to re-build the man's penis but said it will take a few weeks until it will be known if it's still functional. The pair have lived together for 14 years and said they never had problems before his "indecent request." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Miss Figpot was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, boys and girls, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." The class sat quietly as the teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" The entire class was silent as they tried to figure out the answer. From the back of the class, Little Johnny shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] J E R E S C A R E [||||] Pulpit pulverizer Jerry Falwell twisted Muslim turbans when he referred to Islam's founder as "a terrorist." (LA Time) Now he won't even thump his King James until his security detail checks it for a hidden bomb. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too -- probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Where's the lock?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.652 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.652 Pushing the button... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.653 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.653 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� CAMANO ISLAND -- A naked man found wandering around Stanwood Cinemas led police to his indoor marijuana garden after deputies asked the man what he did for a living, police said. Deputies from the Island County Sheriff's Office said they removed more than 80 marijuana plants -- including 50 or so mature plants -- from a shed behind the 30-year-old man's home on Maple Tree Lane, a dead- end road on the south end of the island. The strange saga began when moviegoers and diners in restaurants near the theater's courtyard reported seeing a naked man walking around the complex in full view of families dining out. When an officer approached the man and asked why he was walking around naked, the man reportedly said that he felt like it so he just did it. An officer writing the man a ticket for indecent exposure then asked the man what he did for a living, and he allegedly said he grew marijuana. According to a police report, the man then asked for the officer's help in harvesting the crop. The officer said he was too lazy to help but offered to go look at the man's operation, and the naked man agreed. In the outbuilding behind the man's mobile home, police found what they described as a "sophisticated hydroponic grow operation." Deputies allegedly found numerous grow lights on timers, fans and a complicated watering system with a line running to each of the plants. Police said the man seemed proud of his operation, telling them that the system used no dirt, just lava rock, and he picked a large bud from a plant and handed it to an officer. In a written statement to police, the man allegedly said: "I grow marijuana for fun and profit, to support myself and my family, to help bring us a better life." He also said he was growing marijuana for his father, who had a disease, and for other "medically ill people." The man's wife told police she had never been inside her husband's shed, but that was where her husband did his artwork and practiced with his yo-yo. Deputies said they asked the man what he expected them to do after he showed them his garden, and the man said he didn't expect them to do anything. Police, however, confiscated the plants and growing equipment. The man was cooperative, they said, even helping to load the equipment into police vehicles. The man may be charged with manufacture of a controlled substance, but he is not named because charges have not been filed. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? Stick two fingers in his honey. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today! "All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged" ISSUE #24 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE With the death of New Times, L.A. is now a one-alternative-paper town (the L.A. Weekly), which fills me with ambivalence. I was at the Weekly during its first 10 years, back when it came out of a two story house near Sunset and Western, helping shape it into an alternative with a sense of humor. Then the paper was sold and everyone old was out. It eventually ended up under the auspices of the Village Voice, turning it into the similar humorless screed it remains today. They've printed me on anniversaries where I commented on old stories, but other than that, they've turned down every single submission I've made since. So I went over to New Times, a brand new paper with a sense of humor, and they gave me a cover story, then mysteriously turned down everything else, including a sequel that ended up on the cover of the Desert Post Weekly. Figuring an "alternative newspaper" could make use of some of the information I dig up, I gave their managing editor, Jack Cheevers, a subscription to dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY and here are a few of his comments. lack of capitals intact: "ugh, more sludge from my favorite moron" "on second thought, mike, your stuff doesn't even rise to the level of sludge. it's more like kibble" "if i read your gaseous literary emissions, i'd probably go insane! you don't want that on your hands, now do you, mike?" "get off your fat ass and start engaging the world." "get a job, for chrissakes. your family must be ashamed of you." "Helen A. Handbasket? damn, that's clever, mike. have you ever considered just killing yourself? i'll give you the barbituates." (Okay, I've got to comment on this one. Putting down Helen because her name is a bad pun is like putting down Spinal Tap for making bad music. That's the whole point. What do you expect from hell, GOOD puns?) "can you please stop sending me this crap? i'd really really appreciate it." Though I mourn some of the voices that have been silenced, go ahead and ask me whether I'm sad this guy is out of work. Hey Jack, get a job, for chrissakes. Your family must be ashamed of you. Why Republicans Aren't Entertaining Last issue I asked for help finding one single pro-Bush site that was ENTERTAINING. I got this... "because we don't HAVE to do stupid little jingles in order to get votes!!! WE REPUBLICANS don't stoop to such immature levels!!!!! DUH!" Really Important How to say Oh my god! There's an ax in my head in 102 different languages. http://www.yamara.com/junk/xl970512.html Even more Important The Wall Street Journal thinks Spongebob Squarepants is gay. http://online.wsj.com/article_email/0,,SB1034028869241478240,00.html Congress Grants President Authority To Use Military Force In All Family Disputes In an unprecedented move, the United States Congress has granted President George W. Bush the authority to use military force in all future conflicts in which someone has been bad to him or members of his family. More... http://www.chortler.com/busmil.shtml Hypocrisy of the Week While we attack Saddam Hussein for using chemical weapons against his own citizens, the United States Department of Defense has petitioned the UN for a ruling on the use of its new compressed high potency Valium gas for the purposes of domestic riot control. http://www.almartinraw.com/column73.html Special Bible Quote for Congress "By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive." - Matthew 13:14 - Paranoid Site of the Week Fake Terror: The Road to Dictatorship http://free.freespeech.org/americanstateterrorism/9-11/FakeTerror.html Really Bad Idea of the Week (Which means we're going to be seeing a lot of it) Tired of obvious product placement in movies? Get ready for product placement in novels. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/PEstory/TGAM/20021012/RVPUBB/Arts/thearts/thearts_temp/4/4/45/ Scariest Site of the Week Conservative Petitions has a petition to stop stem-cell research, a petition to stop the NPR, a petition to put school prayer back in schools, and dozens more horrifying ideas. http://www.conservativepetitions.com/ Wasted Tax Dollars of the Week The National Institute of Health is planning to spend $24 million on a retirement facility for chimpanzees. "This Club Med for monkeys illustrates how easy it is for government bureaucrats to go bananas with other people's money," said Libertarian Party Communications Director George Getz. "Amazingly, these chimps will get better treatment in their golden years than the chump taxpayer." http://www.lp.org/press/archive.php?function=view&record=612 Honorable mention for wasted tax dollars: * $750,000 for grasshopper research in Alaska. * $2 million to house a worm collection at the Smithsonian museum in Washington, DC. * $400,000 to study manure management at the National Swine Research Center in Iowa. * $4.2 million for a shrimp aquiculture research project in six states. * $400,000 for the Montana Sheep Institute. (maybe we'll finally find out if they like anal sex) Calling All Breastfeeding Mothers If you're in a hospital and a lactation technician offers hands-on assistance, don't let him. http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1009breastarrest09-ON.html Calling All Terrorists Here's the page Saddam is studying right now - an in depth flash with really cool graphics showing precisely the U.S options concerning invading Iraq. http://www.guardian.co.uk/flash/0,5860,650132,00.html Internet Radio Show of the Week Is there an anti-Rush Limbaugh? You bet. Check out Maria Heller. http://www.meria.net/ Dear Dr. Hollywood I began writing scripts for The Simpsons a few years back and have many episodes ready to go for animation. I actually sent one to Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons), but never expected to hear back from him since FOX's web site said they will not even look at materials without an agent. Since then, I have moved into writing movies and have my first one near completion. I'm wondering how to go about finding an agent. I'm located in the Midwest, and had hoped to find someone in the Chicago area. I was also wondering if writers who intend on doing this full time need to move to an LA or New York to become successful? Sincerely, Gregg Gregg, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. You've got as much chance going to Hollywood and writing for The Simpsons as you have going to Houston and becoming an astronaut. The Simpsons is written by the guys who write The Simpsons. Forget it. One strange rule of television is that you shouldn't submit a writing sample for a show to the actual show, i.e. submit your Drew Carey writing sample to Just Shoot Me, not Drew Carey. Why? Because the producers of Drew Carey know so much more about the show than you do that they are much more likely to pick up on mistakes. You could easily have a character say something that they know he would never say, or have a plotline they've already rejected, and suddenly you're history. So you've already broken rule #1. On the other hand, writing for the big screen you've actually got a chance of someone buying it and making it the way you wrote it. If your goal is to make Hollywood movies, there is absolutely no place you can be other than Hollywood. Writers in particular have to make endless pitches and take endless meetings. It's ALL personal contacts. Think about the best possible thing that could happen after someone reads your script. They want to meet you. You've got to be at their office in five minutes. Can't do it from the Midwest. Remember, whatever gig you're going after, there are at least 1,000 others in line ahead of you, with more experience, better resumes, and, most importantly, they're HERE. It's pretty much the same thing with getting an agent. Unless an agent has a client who recommends you, they will not read you. You've only got one script and you want an agent? Forget it. They want writers with a dozen scripts, one in every genre, things they can pitch all over the place. They want clients who will bring them commissions on endless sales, not just one. If they send your script to someone who says "I like the writing but don't want to make the movie," they want to be able to send over another of your scripts IMMEDIATELY. Writing for the films is a profession. It's full time. If you don't absolutely devote yourself to it, get to Los Angeles, and start taking meetings, you don't have a chance. MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? October 14, 2002 VIDEO GAME FROM HELL Inspired by the commercial success of the United States Army's "Boot Camp" video game, the General Staff of the French Army has announced plans to market "Ultimate Surrender," a video game based upon the proud military traditions of the Gauls. JOINT RESOLUTION FROM HELL Joint Resolution to Authorize the use of United States Armed Forces Against Iraq. Whereas the nation of Iraq has substantial oil and gas reserves... Read the rest here. http://www.thedailybrew.com HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL "We lack the complete picture, but it is painfully evident that key information from the intelligence community was ignored or suppressed. Many of the men who obtained and handled these secrets were haunted by the knowledge that they had information that could have averted this tragedy. Some had simply passed the information on to their superiors and never questioned what was done with it. Others had to be ordered to keep silent." They're talking about 9/11, right? Nope, they're talking about Pearl Harbor. http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=23009 LEGISLATION FROM HELL If Sen. Fritz Hollings' Consumer Broadband and Digital Television Promotion Act passes, you'll have to install government censorship devices in your digital answering machine, your Wallace and Gromit talking alarm clock, your TinkleToonz Musical Potty, your Shop With Me Barbie toy cash register, and other digital devices listed here. http://www.freedom-to-tinker.com/archives/cat_fritzs_hit_list.html SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW To bake or microwave potatoes more quickly, soak them for about 20 minutes in salt water before baking. QUOTES FROM HELL "Is it (America) saying, in a sense, that might is right? Is there something called the rule of law? Is there an international law, which acts to rein in power so that power is accountable? Do you find this doctrine of pre-emptive strikes frightening? It is scary in the sense that if it is legitimate and valid, then we'd have a heck of a business holding back mavericks saying, 'Such-and-such country harbors terrorists and is posing a threat to us.' India and Pakistan, I think, are particular examples where it is going to be very difficult to say to them, 'No, you can't.'" - From an excellent interview with Bishop Desmond Tutu - "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission." - Jimmy Carr - "At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box." - Italian Proverb - "I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed there would be no more war." - Abbie Hoffman - "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." - Albert Einstein - "The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure." - Lyndon B Johnson - "Never has there been a good war or a bad peace." - Benjamin Franklin - "The administration isn't targeting Iraq because of 9/11. It's exploiting 9/11 to target Iraq." - blah3.com - "It is both possible and moral, to love one's country and hate its government." - Dr. Walter Williams , George Mason University Economics Dept. - "Most people think they're thinking when they're really just rearranging their prejudices." - Oliver Wendell Holmes - "I gotta get my life some writers." - Calvin & Hobbes - "I can't understand why you use a computer when you have so much talent." - artist R. Crumb to artist Trici Venola - "So, let me get this straight: Bush is saying he wants to invade Iraq, and Iraq is, like, trying to talk him out of it? Is this how invasions are usually handled?" - Audra Franks, Homemaker - SONG FROM HELL Irresolution Blues (To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Fred Ahlert & Joe Young) By Madeleine Begun Kane I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution. And make believe it's right to do. The GOP is tough to beat. I'm scared to go down in defeat. And so I kissed George Bush's bottom. Please don't think I'm rotten. I'm gonna smile and say "Please give me absolution." And beg for bucks and votes from you. I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution And make believe it's right to do. Didn't want to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution. It really made me feel quite blue. The GOP is tough to beat. I need to hold on to my seat. And so I said "Bush, go get Saddam." Although war's misbegotten. I'm gonna smile and say "Please give me absolution." And beg for bucks and votes from you. I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution. And make believe it's right to do. Acknowledgment dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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