���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> WELL! CBC TV and Ron MacLean are back in negotiations...and maybe he hasn't quite left Hockey Night In Canada yet! Also there is a petition to sign to keep Ron MacLean at HNIC...you can find the petition at: http://www.petitiononline.com it is the #1 petition right now and very easy to find! When I checked this morning there were over 15,000 signatures already! If you are a fan of NHL hockey and watch HNIC...please add your name to the list...lets get Ron back into his seat! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Rubin, Bill, Wayne, Ruth, DA Funk, Marina, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? Klondike. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� A Little head?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.146 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.146 Condom's Future... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.158 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.158 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Little Johnny, Little Johnny's little brother and their parents were sitting down to supper one evening when Little Johnny's little brother, with a confused look on his face, asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?" Little Johnny's father said, "Because mommy is my honey." Little Johnny's little brother still looked confused so Little Johnny said, "It's easy, she's his honey. he spreads her and eats her!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1945 Don McLean singer/songwriter (American Pie, Vincent) 1945 Neil Frances Tennant rocker (Pet Shop Boy-West End Girl) 1946 Roger Jett Maryland, actor (Smithereens) 1948 Donna Karan Forest Hills NY, fashion designer (Coty Award-1977) 1950 Persis Khambatta Bombay India, actress (Star Trek, Megaforce) 1951 Mike Rutherford rocker (Genesis-Against All Odds, Mike & Mechanics) 1951 Romina Power LA Calif, actress (Justine) 1951 Sting AKA Gordon Sumner, rocker (Police-Roxanne)/actor (Dune) 1952 George Meegen England, walked 19,019 miles from Argentina to Alaska 1954 Lorraine Bracco actress (Someone to Watch Over Me, Dream Team) 1957 Kimberly Herrin Santa Barbara Calif, playmate (March, 1981) 1960 Glenn Anderson Vancouver, NHL (Edmonton Oilers) 1961 Phil Oakey rocker (Human League-Human) 1961 Robbie Nevil rocker (A Place Like This) 1962 Esai Morales actor (Bad Boys, La Bamba) 1964 Sherry Arnett St Louis Mo, playmate (Jan, 1986) 1965 Jill Powell Jacksonville Fla, actress (Marcy-As The World Turns) 1970 Kelly Ripa actress (Hayley Vaughan-All My Children) 1971 "Tiffany" Renee Darwich Norwalk Cal, singer (I Think We're Alone Now) 1991 Beau Grayson son of country singer Tanya Tucker .....and on this day in history: 1950 Bob Shaw of the Chicago Cardinals sets NFL record with 5 TD catches 1950 Chic Cards Jim Hardy passes for 6 touchdowns vs Balt Colts (55-13) 1950 The comic strip "Peanuts" 1st appears, in 9 newspapers 1953 Dodger Carl Erskine strikes out 14 Yankees in the 50th World Series 1954 Former French possession of Chandernagore made part of West Bengal 1954 NY Giants sweep Cleve Indians, in 51st World Series 1955 "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" premiers 1956 1st atomic power clock exhibited-NYC 1957 NY Yankees appear in their 26th World Series (World Series #54) 1958 Guinea gains independence from France (National Day) 1959 Rod Serling's "Twilight Zone" premieres on CBS 1961 "Ben Casey" premieres 1962 SF & LA play a 4h18m 9 inning game 1964 Phillies tie major league record with season's 3rd triple play (Reds) 1965 Mel Stottlemyre wins game #20 1965 Phillies' Chris Short strikes-out 18 NY Mets 1966 2 perfect game pitchers face each other (Bunning vs Koufax) 1967 Grateful Dead members arrested by narcotic agents 1967 Groundbreaking begins on Veteran Stadium in Philadelphia 1967 Thurgood Marshall is sworn as 1st black Supreme Court Justice 1968 Bob Gibson sets a world series record of 17 strikeouts (World Series #65) 1970 Billy Martin named manager of the Tigers 1970 Plane carrying Wichita State U football team crashes killing 30 1971 Homing pigeon averages 133 KPH (record) in 1100-km Australian race 1972 Aeroflot Il-18 crashes near Black Sea resort of Sochi, kills 105 1972 Mont Expos Bill Stoneman 2nd no-hitter beats NY Mets, 7-0 1972 Ron Johnson becomes 1st NY Giant to score 4 TDs (vs Phila) 1978 Yanks win 3rd straight AL East beating Red Sox 5-4 in a playoff game. Guidry wins #25 aided by Dent's homer & Pinella's fielding 1980 Larry Holmes retains WBC heavweight title defeating Muhammad Ali 1980 Michael Myers (D-Pa), is 1st rep expelled in over 100 years (ABSCAM) 1983 Carl Yastrezemski's last at bat 1984 3 cosmonauts return after a record 237 days in orbit 1984 Richard Miller, becomes 1st (former) FBI agent, charged with espionage 1986 Sikhs attempt to assassinate Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi 1988 Police breakup domestic disturbance between Mike Tyson & Robin Givens 1990 US Senate votes 90-9 to confirm David Souter to the Supreme Court 1990 Radio Berlin International's final transmission (links to Deutsche Welles of West Germany); final song is "The End" by the Doors �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively. He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Shopping is our favourite pastime! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Now for those who hate the country, there are a myriad of reasons. But one of them is they hate us because they are losers. They see us as winners. And those who see themselves as losers sometimes develop a deep and abiding hatred for those they see as winners. -Dan Rather ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Cramped <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070201.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070201.html Blonde Crossword <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070202.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070202.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� An interstellar message... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.170 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.170 That wasn't a fart... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.182 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.182 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favourite. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� [Here is a collection] Spotted in a toilet of a London Office: TOILET IS OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES; PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. In a London Department Store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN ! In an Office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING--BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a Safari Park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Which people were the first to utilize precise surgical techniques? A. The Spanish Inquisition B. The Greeks C. The Celts D. The Japanese <Answers in Next Issue!> 29/09 Last Issue's Answers: Another testament to the Hispanic influence on America's history is the number of place names derived from the Spanish language. Which U.S. state name is NOT derived from Spanish? C. Connecticut � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Horny Chicken <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070203.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070203.html Michelin Baby <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070205.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070205.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Keli says to Wendy, "When we're going to do it, I always tell Greg how much I love him." Wendy says, "Well, do you? Keli says, "Hell, no, but it makes him finish faster." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Oct 2 2001 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m723.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m723.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to get a love potion from them. "We don't give love potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then gave him a bag of small white tablets. "Bury one of these in front of her home every night for a month," they said, then sent him away. A month later the man returned to the witches. "Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm amazed!" "It's really no surprise," said the witches. "Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the Coven, and pills buried says it best!" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Adult Slider Puzzle <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/slider.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/slider.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two men are in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" Second guy says "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees." Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says the first one, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?" "Yes!" The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Mooooo <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070206.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/08070206.html MooShooz <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070207.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/jokes/jj/08070207.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles. Aretha Oneal pleaded guilty to using her fingernails to rip off the testicle in an attack last year. Her victim, Dennis Ross, took the testicle to the local hospital in Nashville, Tennessee, where it was successfully re-attached. According to The Tennessean Oneal was sentenced to 81 days. She will be eligible for early release if she completes a 45-day counselling programme that deals with issues such as anger management. Mr Ross, 38, told the paper that he continued to live with Oneal at an address in Nashville after the incident in June last year. He plans to marry Oneal after she is released. ''I love that girl,'' Mr Ross said. ''That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half. I told the (District Attorney) the other day I'm not prosecuting her.'' But the Davidson County district attorney's office still decided to bring the case to court. Oneal attacked Ross on June 16, 2001, as he slept in his bed. The Tennessean reports that the couple had argued after Ross returned home after having sex with another woman. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients,he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] B U G B R I G A D E [||||] The Pentagon is sending thousands of Iraq bound troops to Ft. Leonard Wood, VA for germ warfare training. (LA Times) The khakied crusaders practice surviving attacks of toxic bacteria by listening to Howard Stern. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� "I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Rosey to Nina. "But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nina responded. "He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Happy birthday Fart... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.194 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.194 Showing some crack! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.210 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.210 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A postal worker accused of putting a white powder in the envelope she used to mail a payment for a traffic citation told authorities she had no idea that it would be perceived as a threat. Police said Lisa Kocher, 46, of Bethlehem Township, Penn. told authorities the powder was a combination of baking soda and cigarette ashes, which she included to mask the smell left by her cat having urinated on the citation. The envelope was addressed to the "Komrade Magistrate District Officer" and the $94 check had "Bribe for Freedom/Life in America" written on it. Also, the envelope had taped edges and was sealed with an upside-down American flag sticker. Detective Gary Hammer of the Colonial Regional Police Department told The Express-Times of Easton for Saturday's editions that authorities do not know if the powder is baking soda and ashes, but they do not believe it was anthrax. Kocher was charged with making a terroristic threat, disorderly conduct and harassment and taken to Northampton County Prison in lieu of $10,000 bail. She could not be reached for comment because she was jailed, and authorities said she did not have a lawyer. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Hear about the new gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver." ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today! "All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged" ISSUE #22 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Means and Ends The purpose of the fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of the rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to. - Chuang Tzu (300 BC) - But Then Again Words are what, among the great apes, make us the smartest. We must be careful not to use them in suicidal, genocidal or fratricidal ways. Words are either our friends or our destroyers; they cannot be fair-weather friends, they are one or the other. So if Saddam should be killed and the Middle East Balkanized and his oil grabbed by the US because they will manage it more benevolently than he does, we should probably SAY this. Plain language always helps, and euphemisms are hardly ever believed. To say we're after him because he has "weapons of mass destruction" (like Israel) and "murders his own people" (like Israel, whose Palestinians parallel his Kurds) and "uses chemical weapons" (like the US napalming the naked little girl in Vietnam) and he's a "barbaric dictator" (like Marcos, Pinochet, Yeltsin, Noriega, Batista, Nasser, Stalin and other former friends of the US; and Adolf Hitler whose rise George Bush's grandfather funded), flaws can arise in one's argument and one can look a fool." - Bob Ellis - Hypothetical Question of the Week Imagine for the moment that you have a button in front of you, and if you push the button, every Jew on earth would die. You wouldn't push it, right? No one would, right? Wrong. There are thousands, maybe even millions of people on earth who would push that button, people who actually believe that Jews are to blame for all that is wrong with life on earth. That's why the U.S. is protecting Israel, because if they didn't, the people who would push that button would actually kill all the Jews in Israel. They're insane, right? Imagine for the moment that you have a button in front of you, and if you push the button, everyone who thinks that every Jew on earth should die, would die. Would you push it? Best Reason to Eat A McDonalds Cheeseburger (if you're pro-globalization) The 649 anti-globalization protestors who were arrested in Washington D.C. last week were all fed a vegetarian meal after D.C. cops got complaints from activists arrested at previous demonstrations. I Feel So Much Safer Now Last week, DEA agents armed with automatic weapons raided a hospice on the outskirts of Santa Cruz, California, because it grew and used marijuana for its patients, most of them terminally ill. The founder and director, Valerie Corral, who uses marijuana herself to control debilitating seizures as a result of head trauma following a 1973 car accident, was taken away in her pajamas. Suzanne Pfeil, a paraplegic patient suffering from postpolio syndrome, was told to stand up and then was handcuffed in bed when she could not. All the plants were destroyed. Online Animated Film of the Week Find out why David Hasselhoff is responsible for 9/11. http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/binladen.asp Internet Song of the Week Due to a lawsuit from Led Zeppelin, every existing copy of Little Roger and the Goosebumps' Stairway to Gilligan, (the Theme to Gilligan's Island sung to Stairway to Heaven) was destroyed. It's hilarious and you can hear it here. I guess every copy wasn't destroyed. http://www2s.biglobe.ne.jp/~pennywiz/Funhouse/gilliganE.html [Ed note: If you are a Zeppelin fan or a Gilligan's Island fan...you HAVE to hear this!] Perjury of the Week FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III told Congress, "The FBI has found no one in the United States who had foreknowledge of the September 11 attacks other than the 19 hijackers." http://www.cnn.com/2002/ALLPOLITICS/09/26/attacks.intelligence.ap/index.html I Doubt It According to this headline, John Lennon himself is going to re-release Mind Games. http://www.chartattack.com/damn/2002/09/1304.cfm Contradiction in Terms of the Week NATO, which was formed to protect Western Europe from Eastern Europe, has invited seven new countries from Eastern Europe. http://www.iht.com/articles/71979.htm Calling All Criminals If you're dealing dope and your code words for pot are "extra biscuits," don't work at a KFC. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/09/22/BA242795.DTL Insane E-mail of the Week Dear citizens of planet earth, Ladies and gentlemen, let's stop fooling ourselves and call it what it is. This isn't a War on Terrorism or a War in the Mideast. This is World War III. Nuclear weapons are back on the table. The lives of everyone on the planet are at risk. Bush made it clear. It's us vs. them. Everyone in the world must choose sides. You're either with us or against us, and once we let go the leashes of our war machine, if you haven't made it clear you're on our side, prepare to be slaughtered. Us vs. them means many countries vs. many other countries. Why hasn't anyone come right out and said it. It's World War III and millions are about to die. It's a fate accompli. The military industrial complex has taken control of the United States Government and it spells doom for us all. Please don't blame us. It's not our fault. We didn't vote for him. When Hitler tried to take over the world, at least he could claim correctly that he was voted in. When the world points to America and says "why have you started this war?", we can honestly say "Hey, he lost the election. Don't blame us." It's not too late to stop it. Our rallying cry must be POSTPONE POSTPONE POSTPONE POSTPONE. If the warhounds can be held back for just another couple years, it will be possible to place the fate of the planet in gentler hands. But I doubt it. Chances are Bush has already won the next election the same way he won the last one. 2004 is pre-stolen. We're marching on, ladies and gentlemen, and it's going to get bigger before it gets smaller. It doesn't take Nostradamus to figure out that we're going into Iraq again and Saddam Hussein is going to get away again. He and bin Laden will be sharing Mai Tais in the Caymans, collecting their residual checks from the Bush Evil Empire. Bush is a cross between Pinocchio and Napoleon, a dictator on strings, controlled by puppeteers who make him stick to the script, while giving him just enough rope to occasionally hang himself. If Bush didn't make those stupid gaffs while off-script, the focus might shift from the puppet to the puppeteers. At least Reagan was a GOOD actor. George Bush ran the world while Reagan was president just as Cheney is running it while Bush is president. Presidents are always front-men for someone else. They're like the Pope or the Queen, a ceremonial dupe who presents a face to the world while others actually do the dirty work. Our only hope is that he becomes too much of a liability to the forces that be. Please sign my petition to George Bush asking him to assassinate his son, George W. Bush. If anyone can get away with it, he can. [EMAIL PROTECTED] Dear Dr. Hollywood, I've always been taught that in a feature, assuming there are between 25-30 scenes total, that the first act should end with the first major turning point around scene 7. However, my script has the first major turning point occurring around scene 15, with a somewhat truncated second and third acts. How important is it to keep my script within conventional scene/act structure? Thanks, Christian Christian, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. When is the last time you didn't like a movie because the first act turning point happened 7 minutes into the picture instead of 15? Doesn't happen. It only bothers academics, not actual moviegoers. Conventional scene/act structure is not only not important, it's actually detrimental to the creation of exciting and vital motion pictures. As far as I'm concerned, all those people teaching the rules of structure are responsible for the total blanding of the filmgoing experience. All MY favorite movies, like Traffic or Pulp Fiction totally explode the traditional rules of structure. Write from your heart. MD Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? September 30, 2002 STOCK MARKET ADVICE FROM HELL If you had invested $5,000 in MarketGuide, Inc. last Monday, you would have wound up with $33,200 on Thursday morning. RESOLUTION FROM HELL The Bush resolution to the U.N. concerning Iraq is three-and-a-half single-spaced pages. The resolution is seen as unfeasibly harsh and "designed to be rejected," in the words of a U.N. diplomat. PARTY GUY FROM HELL Mohamed Atta footed the bill for himself and two young American girls on what an associate of the two girls later described as a non-stop 3-day drug-and booze-filled romp in Key West in February of 2001, HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL The British and Afghanistan By Denis Mueller The British interest in Afghanistan stemmed from British worries about the intentions of the Russian Empire. The Russian Empire had expanded to Central Asia and their possible influence of Central Asia concerned the British. The British fleet guarded their prize jewel of India from the ocean but the area was considered vulnerable. While the British prided themselves on the effectiveness of their colonial administration the truth was it was British force that ruled India. The British were arrogant in their dealings and approached the Afghan situation with relative ignorance. When the emir of Afghanistan toyed with the idea of aligning himself with the Russians the Brits decided he must go. But it was a difficult country to impose order upon. Its economy was weak and poorly developed. In fact, one of its chief sources of income was plunder on the neighboring lands so order was hard to maintain. Governor-General, Lord Auckland decided to change the regime and he soon found himself in quagmire. In December of 1838, he marched the main British force over 1,000 miles to Kandahar where the troops spent weeks recovering from the march. Then they marched to Kabal and by 1839 had secured their objective. So the British installed a regime that was friendly to them. All seemed well but the problems of administering a stable government proved difficult. The various tribal chiefs across the vast country refused to cooperate and animosity increased because of British attacks on local chiefs. The wide spread use of Hindu troops also helped to increase tensions. Finally, the British were attacked by the mobs. They soon lost control of events in Kabal and a British resident Sir Alexander Burnes was murdered. The British hesitated to respond while the numbers of the rebellion increased as tribal chiefs now joined in the fight against the British. In desperation, the British negotiated what they thought was a safe evacuation of the territory. So the 4,500 soldiers and 12,000 camp followers left for Jalalabad. Within days the situation began to take a turn for the worst. The bitter cold, the ambushes by tribesmen started to take a toll on the convoy. In five days only 500 troops were capable of any action. The remaining troops were attacked at Jagdullak on January 9th; the few who made it through were attacked the next day. Some were taken prisoner but many, including eighteen officers were killed and only one European survived the ordeal. It is not known just how many died but the total is most likely in the area of 12,000 people. Despite their loses the British maintained 7,500 in Kandahar and were reinforced in 1842. They withstood attacks and soon embarked on punitive missions designed to punish the Afghans. As one officer put it, "every crime, every sin of which human nature can be guilty....are as and notorious as daylight, throughout Afghanistan." The British finally left only to return 30 years later but we will save that story for Tuesday. Source: Bruce Collins, University of Derby PRESERVATION FROM HELL "To run his misnamed Healthy Forests Initiative -- whose real purpose, naturally, is to cut down old-growth trees in the national forests -- Bush has named a man who questions even the existence of ecosystems, as if that were a whimsical option, like believing in the Tooth Fairy or not." - Tom Teepen - QUIZ FROM HELL Which of the following nations possess biological and chemical weapons capable of mass destruction? a) Iran b) Iraq c) Libya d) North Korea e) Syria f) the Sudan Answer: all of the above. Which of the following nations possess massive oil fields? a) Iran b) Iraq c) Libya d) North Korea e) Syria f) the Sudan Answer: b Which country are we singling out from the rest to attack? a) Iran b) Iraq c) Libya d) North Korea e) Syria f) the Sudan Answer: b It will be called... a) the Great Regime Change b) the Mid-East War c) World War III TOY FROM HELL The Florida Elections Commission has awarded Fisher-Price the contract to develop a less confusing balloting system. "It's really quite simple," spokeswoman Liz Holden explained. "All you have to do is turn the pointer towards the candidate of your choice and cast your vote by pulling the string. Then the voice of the candidate comes on and says, for example, "Al Gore says, 'You have voted for me.'" http://www.chortler.com/flabal.html SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW If you get a headache, do exactly what it says on the Aspirin bottle, "take two Aspirin" and "keep away from children." PAYCHECK FROM HELL I suppose there's no reason to be surprised by this, but did you know that the guy who works for Microsoft who invented computer Solitaire, probably the most used program in the history of computers, has never been paid a penny for it? AND MAY ALL YOUR ACCESS BE UNFETTERED An Arab Christmas Song With apologies to Mel Torme Iraqis roasting on an open fire War dogs nipping at your feet Muslim carols being sung by a choir And folks who'll soon be luncheon meat Everybody knows a turkey who is president Will help to make the season blight Tiny Arabs with their eyes all aglow Will find it hard to sleep tonight They know that Bush is on his way He's loaded lots of guns and ammo on his sleigh And every mother's child is going to spy To see if bodies really know how to fly And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to World War Two Although its been said many times, many ways Scary Christmas Scary Christmas Scary Christmas To...you QUOTES FROM HELL "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." - Benjamin Franklin - "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." - George W. Bush - "Eat me." - Michael Dare - "The guy who owns Hooters is making a bid to buy Vanguard Airlines. Hopefully he gets it. What fun that'll be. My tray table won't be the only thing in the upright position." - Doug Powers - "One of my goals is to be the most non-competitive woman in the world." - Lotus Weinstock - "The only difference between George W. Bush and Napoleon Bonaparte is 10 inches. Like Napoleon, who rearranged the whole map of Europe (he even invented the kingdoms of Holland and Westphalia), Bush wants to turn the Middle East into Texastan, Oklahomabad and Saudi Alaskia -- his own personal filling stations. Like Napoleon, who slowly but surely stripped the constitution of the French Empire of its liberal provisions, Bush wants to -- oh, that's right, he's already doing that here in the United States. At least Napoleon had the good manners to wait until he had himself proclaimed emperor. Bush, well, he has already proclaimed himself Napoleon, so he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants." - Debby Morse - "The Democrats on Capitol Hill have so far failed to mount a principled, coherent opposition. I am not shocked by this, are you? One senses they are looking at the whole question merely as a matter of popular positioning: Will they like me if I say take out Saddam? Will they get mad at me if we try to take him out and it's a disaster? Will they like me if I say there's no reason to go to war? Have I focus-grouped this?" - Peggy Noonan - "The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!" - Thorn Shunt - "According to a recent survey, 81 percent of Americans feel they have a book in them -- and that they should write it. As the author of 14 books, with a 15th to be published next spring, I'd like to use this space to do what I can to discourage them. Something on the order of 80,000 books get published in America every year, most of them not needed, not wanted, not in any way remotely necessary. Why add to the schlock pile?" - Joseph Epstein - "A black man voting for the Republicans makes about as much sense as a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders." - JC "Buddy" Watts, Sr. - "..it does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds." - Samuel Adams - "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root." - Henry David Thoreau - ""The old will die and the young will forget." - David Ben-Gurion - "If George Bush believes in a unilateral preemptive strike against Iraq, why doesn't he change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of Offense?" - Art Buchwald - "All laws which are repugnant to the Constitution are null and void." - Marbury vs Madison, 5 US (2 Cranch) 137, 174, 176, (1803) - "Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important." - TS Eliot - "We thought because we had power we had wisdom." - Stephen Benet - "I have seen war. I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded... I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed... I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I hate war." - Franklin D. Roosevelt - "When the rich make war it's the poor that die." - Jean-Paul Sartre - "After each war there is a little less democracy to save." - Brooks Atkinson - "War is hell." - General William Tecumseh Sherman - "War is not nice." - Barbara Bush - "I refuse to accept the view that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality." - Martin Luther King Jr. - "You no good fucking sonofabitch. I will never fucking forget what you wrote." - George W. Bush to Al Hunt - Acknowledgement dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. Thanks, Satan This newsletter made entirely of recycled electrons. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. 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