���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> WELL! I have to thank my good friend Lissa for getting me out of trouble yesterday....Purehumour got stuck on my website when I couldn't get access to it...Lissa put herself into the line of fire and got me out of the problems that I was having. In case you don't know it...Lissa runs a great ezine called Northcoast-Express and it is available through Paul's Fun House Lists page: http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ... it is *almost* as good as Purehumour <just kidding Lissa!> And thanks again! Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Rubin, Megan, SunAmy, Pat, Keli, Ishy. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." She responds, "I'll miss you." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Organ fight... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.972 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.972 Funny accident... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.973 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.973 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.'' Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said. A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1940 Frankie Avalon Phila, actor (Beach movies)/singer (Venus) 1941 Mariangela Melato Milan Italy, actress (Flash Gordon, Summer Night) 1944 Charles Lacy Veach Chicago Illinois, astronaut (STS 39) 1955 Jeana Tomasino Milwaukee Wis, playmate (Nov, 1980) 1964 Holly Robinson Phila, actress (21 Jump Street) 1966 Spike vocal/guitar (Ian Spice Breathe, Flash Cadillac-R&R Forever) .....and on this day in history: 1954 Cleveland Indians clinch AL pennant, beat Tigers (3-2) 1957 "Wagon Train" premiers 1959 Vanguard 3 launched into Earth orbit 1962 Rwanda, Burundi, Jamaica & Trinidad admitted (105th-108th) to the UN 1963 Final game at Polo Grounds, 1,752 see Phillies beat Mets 5-1 1965 "Get Smart" premiers 1967 Intrepid (US) beats Dame Pattie (Aust) in 21st America's Cup 1968 Ray Washburn (Cards) no-hits SF Giants 2-0 1972 1st black NL umpire (Art Williams-Los Angeles vs San Diego) 1974 Hurricane Fifi strikes Honduras with 110 mph winds, 5,000 die 1975 Heiress/bank robber Patricia Campbell Hearst captured by FBI in SF 1977 Courageous (US) sweeps Australia (Aust) in 24th America's Cup 1977 US Voyager I takes 1st space photograph of Earth & Moon together 1979 Bolshoi Ballet dancers Leonid & Valentina Kozlov defect 1979 Steven Lachs, appointed Calif's 1st admittedly gay judge 1980 Soyuz 38 carries 2 cosmonauts (1 Cuban) to Salyut 6 space station 1982 Christian militia begin massacre of 600 Palestinians in Lebanon 1983 George Meegen completes 2,426d (19K mi) walk across Western Hemisphere 1983 New Orleans Saints 1st OT victory; beating Chic Bears 34-31 1984 Joe Kittinger completes 1st solo balloon crossing of Atlantic 1984 Tigers become 4th team to stay in 1st place from opening day 1987 Detroit Tiger Darrell Evans is 1st 40 year old to hit 30 HRs 1989 Hurricane Hugo causes extensive damage in Puerto Rico 1990 A 500 lb 6' Hershey Kiss is displayed at 1 Times Square, NYC 1990 Atlanta is chosen to host the 1996 (centennial) Summer Olympics 1991 Space shuttle STS 48 (Discovery 14) lands �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A woman in was found to have almost $2,150 hidden in her vagina when she was busted for a phony prescription. As the story spread, local banks refused to accept the money, considering it to be contaminated. One bank was finally convinced to take the money for deposit when it was brought in wrapped in plastic. Someone must have fingered her... ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� Is it a bomb? Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." -Stanley J. Randall ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� 2 People Short <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/43.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/43.html Toilet Conversation <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/42.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/42.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.... You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons. You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low. You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget. You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get. The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing. They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths. You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks. You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run. Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats. You still hide your best make-up. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I'm adopted... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.974 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.974 Prayboy.... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.975 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.975 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat did you do with the money?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry. The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator-type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions. The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie. The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?" "This movie should be rated 'R'," she says, "because those Jews are being fed to the lions!" The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews." "Oh..... Ok. Well, start the movie up again." A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?" She points to the screen. "Those lions over there... ....they're not eating!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� The only thing wrong with religions that have all the answers is that they don't allow questions. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� 8. Swiss doctor and sow gelder Jacob Nufer performed the first recorded what in 1500? A. Circumcision B. Tubal ligation C. Caesarean operation on a living woman D. Hysterectomy --- 9. What is stomatology? A. The medical study of the mouth and its diseases B. The medical study of stoma transplants C. The medical study of the stomach and intestinal tract D. The medical study of stomach transplants <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: 6. Which people were the first to utilize precise surgical techniques? B. The Greeks --- 7. During what period in a person's life do antenatal diagnostic procedures occur? D. Before birth � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Thought For The Day <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/44.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/44.html Bin Brothers <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/019.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/019.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Two voices - male and female - obviously on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first" "It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on" Sniff sniff "Ahh, perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 18 2000 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m520.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m520.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed. "Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked. His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Play Simon <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/simon.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/simon.html Play Celebrity Tic Tac Toe <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/tictactoe.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/tictactoe.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When I walked into this latest one, I thought I recognized a wife of a classmate over in the corner, so I approached her and extended my hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "You don't look so great in blue either!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Spice Girls <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/020.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/020.html Tequila & Women <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/tequila.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/tequila.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A female Thai teacher has been praised by inspectors for showing a pornographic film to a secondary school class. Nakhon Santiyothin says she played five minutes of the movie to help her pupils learn about sex. She told inspectors the video had been confiscated from one of the pupils at the all-boys Suan Kularb School. The Bangkok Post reports Mrs Nakhon said she would use the same technique again if a student was caught with films of a sexual nature. Student Saran Hongsakul told the newspaper that reports of pornography being screened at the school distorted the facts. He said: "She played the film very briefly and gave us advice." The Bangkok senate panel on women, youth and the elderly carried out an inspection of the school's sex education lessons and questioned Mrs Nakhon about her decision to screen the film. After hearing evidence, the committee members gave Mrs Nakhon their backing. Children's rights advocate Wallop Tangkhananurak said the Education Ministry should study sex education classes at Suan Kularb as a model for imparting a better understanding of the subject. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A woman was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal beliefs to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm spirit, so he tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel their kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed the woman, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] L E A D ? R U B B E R ? W H A T E V E R [||||] A Rochester, NY nightstick twirler subdued a drunk in pub suspect by shooting him in the back with what he thought was his stun gun. It wasn't. (AP) Hey, easy mistake. Like confusing a maple bar with a jelly donut. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward to poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Flasher feel's the pinch... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.7 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.7 In two by Two... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.13 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.13 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� Released Tuesday after serving eight months in Placer County jail for auto theft and drunken driving, Jessie Del Alexander never got out of the facility's parking lot. Less than 15 minutes after being given his freedom, the 28-year-old Loomis resident was back in jail for allegedly plotting a bank robbery with an undercover officer who met him in the parking lot. Placer County Sheriff's Capt. Rick Armstrong said it was one of the quickest arrests he has seen of a man released from jail. "I've seen them get arrested for getting into a fight in the parking lot with their wives or girlfriends, but not one where they walked into the arms of law enforcement for planning another crime," Armstrong said. Roseville Police Lt. Gary Shonkwiler said authorities learned that Alexander planned to rob a bank within a week of being let out of jail. Four agencies -- the FBI, Placer County Sheriff's Department and the Roseville and Rocklin police departments -- arranged for an undercover officer to meet with Alexander in the parking lot. Shonkwiler said Alexander then solicited the undercover man's help for a bank robbery. He was arrested at 6:10 a.m. -- just 14 minutes after he'd walked out of jail, the lieutenant said. Alexander is charged with soliciting another person to commit a felony and is being held on $30,000 bail. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Anni turned to her boyfriend and said: "I want you to screw my brains out." "Sorry," her boyfriend replied, "I'm not into quickies." ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today! "Not Affiliated in any way!" Issue #20 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE One Justice for Bush, One for the Rest of Us "This is a private issue as it relates to my daughter and myself and my wife," said Florida Governor Jeb Bush after his daughter Noelle was caught with crack in her shoe. "The road to recovery is a rocky one for a lot of people that have this kind of problem." Hey Jeb, you and everyone else, buddy boy. Please explain why you get to treat your daughter's drug use as a medical problem, which it is, while everyone else has to go to prison for doing the exact same thing. To call you a hypocrite is to do a disservice to all the other workaday hypocrites in the world. You're the fucking King of Hypocrites, a role model for all those who aspire to success in the land of hypocrisy. You're a drug warrior, daily wasting untold stacks of taxpayer money on a completely useless policy of putting people with medical problems in jail, while openly admitting that drug abuse is a "private issue" that works best when the "road to recovery" avoids prison. The harm you do to families by breaking them up is infinitely worse than the harm done by the drugs themselves. Hey Jeb, if you have a shred of human decency, why don't you give everybody in Florida the Noelle Bush treatment? Grant every nonviolent drug offender in the Florida state prison system a full and immediate pardon. Oops, I forgot. The Bushes are missing the "shred of human decency" gene. Moment of Silence Now that we've had a moment of silence for all the innocent victims of the terrorist attack on America, let's have a moment of silence for all the innocent victims of American terrorism in Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Korea, Vietnam, Indonesia, Cambodia, China, the Philippines, Laos, East Timor, Greece, Turkey, Honduras, Guatemala, Ecuador, Nicaragua, the Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Chile, Brazil, Colombia, Panama, Haiti, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, Palestine, Lebanon, Jordan, Algeria, Nigeria, South Africa, Rwanda, Zaire, Sudan, Somalia, New York, and Afghanistan. Say Aaaah! In keeping with his plan to cut down trees in order to prevent forest fires, George W. Bush has come forward with a plan to remove teeth in order to prevent tooth decay. "It's obvious that the less teeth you have, the less chance you have of getting cavities," said the jolly dictator. "Anyone want to argue with that?" Who Gets All That Oil After We Invade Iraq? "To the victor goes the spoils." - Dick Armey - A United Airlines flight made an emergency landing after a flight attendant saw a passenger using a comb. Wacko Theory of the Week Some scientists think it wasn't just a meteorite that caused the death of the dinosaurs. "If an 800-ton male thrust into a 100-ton female once every second, the impact would be the equivalent of 4,800 tons. That's like a 60-kilogram woman on a bed making love to a 480-kilogram man," said Rikao Yanagida, head of a Japanese think tank. Yep, the dinosaurs were too huge to fuck. Joke from Planet Proctor The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the rooster and about ten hens he kept in the chicken house in the back of the rectory. But one Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been abducted for a cock fight, and he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation point blank, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant, at all. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "You misread my meanin'. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "What I really mean is, has anybody seen my cock?" At that, all the altar boys stood up. Only in America Of the 25 top-rated shows on basic cable last week, 12 of them were Spongebob Squarepants. Calling All Writers You get an e-mail telling you the subject and word limit and from that second, you've got 24 hours to send in a short story. Go ahead, enter the 24-hour Short Story Contest, but if you win the $300, I get 10%. Dear Dr. Hollywood, An agent is interested in my writing. Although he hasn't signed me, he has indicated that he would like to. He doesn't act shady or charge me for reading fees, or what not. However, my concern is that his agency is a "boutique," and although it's pretty unlikely I will land major representation until I have some scripts under my belt, I'm wondering how effective a small agency can be. Especially when I mention the name, and none of my writer wanna-be acquaintances have heard of it. Are these agencies only able to get through to the people they "know," or can they technically push you to as many exec. producers as you want? I've heard that the most important thing is that the agent pushes for you. So perhaps my concerns are irrelevant. Any thoughts? Sincerely, Kara Dear Kara, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. My sense is that he's already shopping you. Happens all the time. Think of it like this. He's a fisherman and you're trying to sell him some bait, but he doesn't want to buy the bait until he's got a nibble. When he gets a nibble, he'll sign you. String him along while working on your own leads. Don't expect him to do your work for you. My experience is that agents who find you work are a myth. Agents field offers. You get any offers, you take them to him. Got it? Your job is to find him offers. Let him make your follow-up calls. I bet there are hundreds of specific actors and directors and producers you'd like to submit to. Call them. Let's say it's Rob Reiner. When his production company says they don't accept submissions without agents, say "so I can have my agent send it to you?" They will say yes. Call the guy who says he's almost your agent and tell him that ROB REINER WANTS TO READ YOUR SCRIPT, give him the address to send it to, and tell him how to pitch it. Don't assume he already knows why your script is perfect for Rob Reiner. Explain it to him and get a promise that he'll send it out immediately. If he doesn't do that for you, if he doesn't follow up on YOUR LEADS, fuck him, he's history. Please don't sit back expecting him to find leads for you. Honestly, I've never seen it happen. He's your back-up negotiator. YOU'RE in charge of your career, not him. Make those calls. MD "Only in Hollywood is 'literate' not a compliment." - Michael Blake - Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? by Helen A. Handbasket You never know who's going to trade their soul away or what they're going to get for it unless you're Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. September 16, 2002 PREDICTION FROM HELL In a few years, we're going to be hearing about Twin Towers disease as all the people who cleaned ground zero get sick from all the crap they inhaled. HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL In his book, They Thought They Were Free, Milton Mayor chronicled the thoughts and experiences of citizens in Nazi Germany and offered a glimpse of how the German people could have allowed the Third Reich to thrive. As one unnamed scholar reported: "What happened here was the gradual habituation of the people, little by little, to being governed by surprise; to receiving decisions deliberated in secret; to believing that the situation was so complicated that the government had to act on information which the people could not understand, or so dangerous that, even if the people could understand it, it could not be released because of national security ... Each step was so small, so inconsequential, so well explained or, on occasion, 'regretted,' that, unless one were detached from the whole process from the beginning, unless one understood what the whole thing was in principle, what all these 'little measures' that no 'patriotic German' could resent must some day lead to, one no more saw it developing from day to day than a farmer in his field sees the corn growing. One day it is over his head." APOLOGY FROM HELL Last week's link to the story about the Third Reich's "Law for Removing the Distress of People and Reich" was incorrect. It's actually here, at the John Birch Society, who are very anti-Bush. Yes, hell has frozen over. SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW Slice tomatoes from end-to-end instead of across to stop the seeds from falling out. POEM FROM HELL Saddam Hussein sat on a wall Saddam Hussein had a great fall but all the U.S. soldiers and money we send couldn't put Iraq together again. - Jesse L. Jackson, Jr. - QUOTES FROM HELL "Let us not look not back in anger, or forward with fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber - "The victor will never be asked if he told the truth." - Adolf Hitler - "You can hardly point to a cataclysmic event in our history, whether it was the sinking of the Titanic, the Pearl Harbor attack, the Kennedy assassination, when a blue-ribbon panel did not set out to establish the facts and, where appropriate, suggest reforms. That has not happened here." - John F. Timoney, former senior police commander in New York - "When Halliburton was using subsidiaries to re-build the damaged oil fields of Iraq it was doing more business with the evil one than any other American company. All this is in the public record. It was reported on over two years ago by that radical publication the Financial Times of London. Why has the mainstream press refused to report on this? That is a good question that remains unanswered. Is it impossible for them to analyze anything? Why is it that today's press coverage has no connection with anything that has happened in the past. It was like everyday is the first day of the rest of your life." - Denis Mueller - "Like B'rer Rabbit in the Joel Chandler Harris story, President Bush is about to smash the nation's collective fist into the tar baby of the Middle East." - Gary North - "Do not separate text from historical background. If you do, you will have perverted and subverted the Constitution, which can only end in a distorted, bastardized form of illegitimate government." - James Madison - "Nuclear bombs, whether they're used or not, violate everything that is humane. They alter the meaning of life itself. Why do we tolerate them? Why do we tolerate these men who use nuclear weapons to blackmail the entire human race?" - Arundhati Roy from Under a Nuclear Shadow - "America is a quarter of a billion people totally misinformed and disinformed by their government. This is tragic but our media is - I wouldn't even say corrupt - it's just beyond telling us anything that the government doesn't want us to know." - Gore Vidal - "Think not lightly of evil, saying, 'It will not come to me.' Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the fool, gathering it little by little, fills himself with evil." - Buddha - "You can fool some of the people, all of the time - and those are the ones you have to concentrate on." - George W. Bush - "I'm for total honest democracy. I also believe the American system can work." - Woody Allen from Stardust Memories - "Evil can also type." - Noah benShea - Acknowledgment dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. 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