[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Well the bugs are out and my new hosting and list server obviously
work great! Still a few things to clean up. What all this did cause is
that my annual Halloween Issue will NOT get published. I will be sending
out an issue tomorrow...but it will be a regular issue of Purehumour...
with a few Halloween jokes thrown in for good measure. The special
editions take a lot more planning than a regular issue and I just haven't
had the time to put it together.

What I have put together is a great place for YOU! I did this once before
and it wasn't too successful...but this time we are gonna try it more
seriously! I have set up a web-board (or web-forum) with postings
available to you in various categories. You can post in the categories
and share jokes, stories, birthdays etc. There is also one forum that
is dedicated to announcements from The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour...
thats me....telling about upcoming events or downtime. This could be
a great place to meet some new buddies on the net! There is also a
special place for "Friends of The Pooh-Bah"...which is password protected
and only accessible by invitation. If you think you'd qualify for inclusion
into this special area...email me at: [EMAIL PROTECTED] and tell me
why you should be let in ... I will warn you though...this section is for people
who are really special...is that you?

Check out the web-board at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Board</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/

AND COMING SOON! A whole new section of Paul's Fun House...
one of the biggest additions I have ever made! Watch for details soon!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, Terri, Almero, Marsha,
Colorado Kid, Marina, D.A. Funk.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its
members give the rest a bad name.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

One sick puppy...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.675 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.675

Get the hint..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.677 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.677

���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

<This is one of those moments in time!>

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A
few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I
reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the
keyboards.She came back and started typing and immediately got a
distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and
explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They
both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..."
the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got
real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I
could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation
between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your
keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of
my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they
both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that
class.

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php

���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1940 Ed Lauter Long Beach NY, actor (Sheriff Cain-BJ & the Bear)
1943 Joanna Shimkus Halifax NS, actress (Marriage of a Young Stockbroker)
1945 Henry Winkler NYC, actor (Fonz-Happy Days, Night Shift)
1946 Andrea Mitchell NYC, newscaster (NBC-TV, Summer Sunday USA)
1946 Lynne Marta Phila Pa, actress (Love American Style)
1946 Robert L "Hoot" Gibson Cooperstown NY, USN/ast (STS 41B, 61C, 27)
1950 Phil Chenier NBA guard (Wash Bullets)
1951 Harry Hamlin Pasadena Calif, actor (Michael Kuzak-LA Law)
1953 Kathleen Cody Bronx NY, actress (Charley & the Angel)
1954 JoAnne Russell Miami Fla, tennis player (Wibeldon Double 1977)
1965 Charnele Brown East Hampton NY, actress (Kim-A Different World)
1969 Brittany Gae Thompson Portland Oregon, Miss Oregon-America (1991)

.....and on this day in history:

1953 Dr Albert Schweitzer & Gen George C Marshall win Nobel Peace Prize
1954 Defense Department announces elimination of all segregated regiments
1956 Israel captures Egyptian militay post at El-Thamad
1961 Soviet Party Congress unanimously approves a resolution removing Josef Stalin's body from Lenin's tomb in Red Square
1961 Soviet Union tests a 58 megaton hydrogen bomb
1965 Fireworks explosions kill 50 in Cartagena, Colombia
1967 USSR Kosmos 186 & 188 make 1st automatic docking & Venmera 13 launch
1972 Worst US rail accident in 14 years; 45 die in Chicago
1973 Tom Seaver becomes 1st non-20-game winner to win Cy Young award
1974 Muhammad Ali KOs George Foreman in 8th round in Kinshasa, Za�re
1975 John Bucyk, Boston, became 7th NHLer to score 500 goals
1975 Juan Carlos assumes power in Spain
1975 NY Daily News runs headline "Ford to City: Drop Dead"
1976 Jane Pauley becomes news co-anchor of the Today Show
1976 Rev Joseph Evans elected president of the United Church of Christ
1978 Laura Nickel & Curt Noll find 25th Mersenne prime, 2 ^ 21701-1
1979 NASA launches space vehicle S-203
1979 Richard Arrington elected mayor of Birmingham
1980 Honduras & El Salvador settle their boundary dispute
1980 NASA launches Flt Satcom-4
1985 22nd Space Shuttle Mission (61-A)-Challenger 9-launched
1986 Discovery moves to OPF where more than 200 modification are made
1988 2 gambling clubs & 1 player share 61.38 M California lotto jackpot
1988 Jim Elliott (US) completes 24-hr paced outdoor race for 548.9 mi
1988 NY Jets finally beat Pittsburgh Steelers for 1st time
1991 Mid East peace conference begins in Madrid Spain

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Sam is over at Anni's house after meeting her parents for the
very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was
a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law.

Sam turned to Anni's mother and remarked, "These are excellent
fishcakes."

Anni pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should
go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"

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���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------���

Still under construction...it will return soon!

Check it out:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/

���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"A psychologist once said that we know little about the
conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol."
-Thomas Blackburn

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Worm Food For Thought
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vimh5.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vimh5.html

I Think Football Players Are Sexy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw60.html ">Click</a>
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Microsoft Word Options
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct8.htm ">Click</a>
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Bill had always been a prankster. A real take-no-prisoners practical joker.

As each of his friends were married, he made sure he played a practical joke
on each of them. Now, ready to be married himself, he was dreading the
payback he knew was coming. But surprisingly, on his wedding day, the
ceremony went off without a hitch. Nothing written on the soles of his shoes
when he kneeled down. No one stood up to offer a reason "why this couple
should not be married." The wedding reception wasn't disrupted by streakers
or strippers. And the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in
perfect working order. When they arrived at their hotel and entered the
honeymoon suite, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed. But nothing,
it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that they had come away unscathed, the
couple fell into bed and joyfully consummated their marriage. Next morning,
Bill and his new bride were ravenous, so Bill called down to Room
service and said, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a voice came from under the bed: "Better make that five."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Electile Dysfunction
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.679 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.679

3 Wishes...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.681 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.681

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of
the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query,
roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have
enough for two more words."

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He really
needs to have sex, so he goes to the local brothel and tells
the lady at the desk, "Give me your best whore!"

She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and says,
"That'll be five hundred dollars, please."

The man says, "Oh, I don't have that much."
The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up Monica! That'll
be two hundred dollars, please."

The guy says, "I don't have that much."

So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Katrina!
That'll be fifty dollars, please."

The guy says, "Oh, I don't have that much."

So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?"

He says "Fifty cents."

So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

What has always been the site for the traditional Oktoberfest celebration?

A. Therese's Meadow
B. Munich Beer Garden
C. Beer Street in Munich
D. Munich's Beer Boulevard

<Answers in Next Issue!>

27/10

Last Issue's Answers:

Which city is the birthplace of Oktoberfest?

A. Munich

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Oooops Wrong Turn
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct10.htm ">Click</a>
http://ezinesetc.com/oct10.htm

Married Chronology
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/married.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/married.htm

Mafia Insurance
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/insurance.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/insurance.htm

���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A man and his wife in court were getting a divorce. The problem was who
should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up an said, "Your Honour! I brought the child into the world
with pain and labour. She should be in my custody."

The Judge turns to the husband and says, '"What do you have to say in your
defence?"

The man sat for while contemplating. Then slowly rose. "Your Honour! If I
put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is
it? The machine's or mine?"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Okay folks...in the month of September (the last results available)
Purehumour Archives moved up to #128 on the list...now that is
not bad...but it is only an increase of about 6 places since August.
I would really like to see Purehumour break into the top 100 in the
next couple of months...I don't think that October will make it...but
lets really try for it in November...so start clicking those archive
links today...take a look at the evolution of Purehumour!

October 30, 2001:

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m740.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m740.html

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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html

���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

A young boy on a doorstep says "trick or treat!" The man of the house
opens the door to see the lad wearing a pirate costume and he asks
"hello sonny, where's your buccaneers?" To which the kid replies, ...
"under my buckin' hat!"

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

Strip BlackJack With Jasmine
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Peg Jump
<a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/pegjump.html ">Click</a>
http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/pegjump.html

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in
radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the
grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart in it."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this
year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob
Fuckhauer."

Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF
BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across
the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across
the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade
teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fuckhauer in
here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a
damn cookie break!"

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Future Democrat
<a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/democ.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.j-j-c.net/democ.htm

Should Be Shot
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/034.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/034.html

Sleeping Positions & What They Mean
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/035.html ">Click</a>
http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/035.html

���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

Doctors in a US hospital admit they stitched a patient's
head up without realising he had been shot in the head.

Melvin Pierce was seen by doctors at the Immanuel Medical
Centre in Omaha and had stitches in a head cut.

After the 16-year-old was treated, he was interviewed by
police at the local headquarters where he complained of a
headache, was tired and had vomited.

The Omaha World-Herald says the bullet was only detected
the day after when the patient was taken back to the
hospital.

The next day, his grandmother called police, saying he
still had a headache and was acting strangely.

A police spokesman said: "He had been shot in the head,
and the bullet was still lodged in his skull."

A hospital spokeswoman said emergency room staff rely in
part on information provided by patients to make
diagnoses.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so
instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of
her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five
dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] G R A P E B A L L S O ' F I R E [||||]

A scientist at Oregon State University discovered that a glass of
Chardonnay downed with a burger kills E. coli , salmonella and other
deadly bacteria. (LAD10/24)

Coming soon: McDonald's REALLY Happy Meal.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

<A Classic!>

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair
at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled
the cat's water & food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your
presence....listen good because I'm only going to say this one more
time.......

I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!"

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Fart echo...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.683 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.683

Smelly...
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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A drunken Norwegian who pulled a pair of underpants
over his face and robbed a post office was awakened
by police two days later to find he had tipped them
off about his identity.

The 47-year-old drunk charged into the post office
and handed over a note saying ``This is a robbery,''
the local newspaper Bergensavisen said on Friday.

But his wife's name and personal details were on the
back of the demand note, the newspaper said.

The man told a court he did not remember the robbery,
but admitted he had a suspicion of having been up to
no good when he woke up and saw a picture of the be-
knickered robber in the newspaper and found a large
wad of money in his living room.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

The teacher said to Little Johnny, "Every day you have to put
on a clean pair of underwear."

By Saturday, he couldn't get his pants on.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

DisInfotainment Today!
"All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged"

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE

Some Strange New Definition of the Word

According to social security records, 266 girls were named "Unique" in 2001.

The Funniest Site of the Week

The Republican Party has finally come through with a flash animation of their own that beats all the others to hell in its ability to make them look like idiots. Is that Bush's face? Is that Mighty Mouse's body? Yep. http://www.rnc.org/flash/bushsavestheday.html
- Thanks to Jeff Crook -

Why Michael Moore is Pissed Off

The snipers weren't members of the NRA.

Why Friends Isn't a Reality Show

According to marketwatch.com, Joey's Greenwich Village apartment would rent for at least $4,000 a month.

Radio Ad of the Week

Saddam Hussein: America's Worst Enemy...or Cheney's Best Customer?
http://www.gwbush.com/spots/

Halloween Link of the Week

Positive proof of the supernatural. Go here and stare at the picture. It's sort of an optical illusion that's hard to see at first, but give it a few seconds and I swear you'll see a ghost.
http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

Time Wasters of the Week

Create a cool fireworks display above the Statue of Liberty.
http://doody36.home.attbi.com/liberty.htm

This flash Rubic's Cube is about as good as it's going to get.
http://www.eviltron.com/modules/esp/esp.html

Parable of the Week

THE EMPTY BOAT

He who rules men lives in confusion;
He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow.
Yao therefore desired
Neither to influence others
Nor to be influenced by them.
The way to get clear of confusion
And free of sorrow
Is to live with Tao
In the land of the great Void.

If a man is crossing a river
And an empty boat collides with his own skiff,
Even though he be a bad-tempered man
He will not become very angry.
But if he sees a man in the boat,
He will shout at him to steer clear.
If the shout is not heard, he will shout again,
And yet again, and begin cursing.
And all because there is somebody in the boat.
Yet if the boat were empty.
He would not be shouting, and not angry.

If you can empty your own boat
Crossing the river of the world,
No one will oppose you,
No one will seek to harm you.

The straight tree is the first to be cut down,
The spring of clear water is the first to be drained dry.
If you wish to improve your wisdom
And shame the ignorant,
To cultivate your character
And outshine others;
A light will shine around you
As if you had swallowed the sun and the moon:
You will not avoid calamity.

A wise man has said:
"He who is content with himself
Has done a worthless work.
Achievement is the beginning of failure.
Fame is beginning of disgrace."

Who can free himself from achievement
And from fame, descend and be lost
Amid the masses of men?
He will flow like Tao, unseen,
He will go about like Life itself
With no name and no home.
Simple is he, without distinction.
To all appearances he is a fool.
His steps leave no trace. He has no power.
He achieves nothing, has no reputation.
Since he judges no one
No one judges him.
Such is the perfect man:
His boat is empty.

- Chuang Tzu -

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

The opening two pages of my screenplay has a continuous movement from an exterior location then into an interior, through a building and it's rooms. As we enter a new room and describe its action it becomes a new scene heading and so on. While their is a great flow and the scene description is no more that three lines. There is the look of a lot of words. So I underlined each scene heading, this gave the appearance sectioned page. To me it looked more pleasing to read and not as laborious. As I'm using Final Draft, all the scene headings are underlined. Is this acceptable formatting?

Thank you for your time and consideration

Regards
Michael S

Dear Michael,

The opening shot in Mario Puzo's script for Superman is the world's longest tracking shot from Krypton blowing up all the way across the universe to earth. Did the actual movie start that way? No. Why? Because every single decision concerning how the camera moves is up to the director, not the screenwriter. Directors will deliberately NOT do camera moves that the screenwriter tells them to do. Just tell your story and don't worry about what the camera does. It's not your job.

MD

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

I just finished one script which is full of observational detail and mood. It comes in at 74 pages, because the stuff shoots longer than it reads. (e.g. STORYTELLING, or L'AVVENTURA.) Another, a talk/relationships movie, is piling up the pages and might reach 130 or more; even if it doesn't, 120 pp. of that could be real short in actual screen time.

But readers want that standard page range. If even 90 minutes of Oscar-winning Woody Allen comes in at 140 pages (I checked, and this is dialogue-only), what the hell is going on? Is there a way to cope with this, for people who aren't already Woody Allen or M. Antonioni? Have YOU had to face this question?

Thanks,

Mark

Dear Mark,

First of all you can't use Woody Allen scripts as guidelines. Scripts written by directors who are going to be directing their own script are entirely different animals. When Woody hands in his scripts to his producers, they know that he's going to shoot all that dialogue but hand in a film of normal length because that's how he works.

For the rest of us, the process of getting a film made consists of getting rid of all potential impediments towards getting it made. Not too long. Not too short. Not too expensive. An original story that's exactly like some other movie that made a lot of money. Full of interesting characters that will attract good actors. If you're just starting out, you've got to get rid of absolutely everything that someone could argue against. I don't care how good it is, when someone sees a script that's only 74 pages, the first thing they will say is "It's not long enough." You want to start out on the defensive? No you don't. Make it at least 90. And that 130? Bring it down at least 20.

MD

"You're the ruler of the galaxy. Show a little taste!"
- Ed Wood in the movie Ed Wood -

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
October 28, 2002

A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

Satan's really pissed the Angels won the World Series but he's going to get us all back. He's made sure that E! renewed the Anna Nicole Smith Show.
http://www.ew.com/r0/ew/esleuth/in?/ew/report/0,6115,384323~3~6~erenewsannanicole,00.html

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

Claim: Iraq has consistently demonstrated its willingness to use force against the US through its firing on our planes patrolling the UN-established "no-fly zones."

Reality: The "no-fly zones" were never authorized by the United Nations, nor was their 12 year patrol by American and British fighter planes sanctioned by the United Nations. Under UN Security Council Resolution 688 (April, 1991), Iraq's repression of the Kurds and Shi'ites was condemned, but there was no authorization for "no-fly zones," much less airstrikes. The resolution only calls for member states to "contribute to humanitarian relief" in the Kurd and Shi'ite areas. Yet the US and British have been bombing Iraq in the "no-fly zones" for 12 years. While one can only condemn any country firing on our pilots, isn't the real argument whether we should continue to bomb Iraq relentlessly? Just since 1998, some 40,000 sorties have been flown over Iraq.

Claim: Iraq must be attacked because it has ignored UN Security Council resolutions � these resolutions must be backed up by the use of force.

Reality: Iraq is but one of the many countries that have not complied with UN Security Council resolutions. In addition to the dozen or so resolutions currently being violated by Iraq, a conservative estimate reveals that there are an additional 91 Security Council resolutions by countries other than Iraq that are also currently being violated. Adding in older resolutions that were violated would mean easily more than 200 UN Security Council resolutions have been violated with total impunity. Countries currently in violation include: Israel, Turkey, Morocco, Croatia, Armenia, Russia, Sudan, Turkey-controlled Cyprus, India, Pakistan, Indonesia. None of these countries have been threatened with force over their violations.

Claim: The president claimed that: "Iraq possesses ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles; far enough to strike Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey and other nations in a region where more than 135,000 American civilians and service members live and work."

Reality: Then why is only Israel talking about the need for the U.S. to attack Iraq? None of the other countries seem concerned at all. Also, the fact that some 135,000 Americans in the area are under threat from these alleged missiles just makes the point that it is time to bring our troops home to defend our own country.
- Ron Paul -

DRUG FROM HELL

Gee, you'd think suicidal behavior might be considered a bad side effect of a drug used to combat depression, but not according to Paxil.
http://www.drugawareness.org/home.html

MUSIC FROM HELL

Radio Satan 666.
http://radiosatan666.com/

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Brazil Nuts are much easier to shell if you soak them in boiling water for a few minutes before cracking.

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of the following quotes is not accurate. Can you figure out which?

"Desperate people do desperate things. Palestinians don't blow themselves up because they get some kind of rush out of it. Embassies are not blown up just because someone happened to have some spare gunpowder hanging around. People do not steal airplanes and fly them into towers to impress their girlfriends. They do it because they're pissed off at being bullied; they're pissed off at being hungry or displaced; and they're pissed off at watching all the smiling fat bastards grinding them and their brethren into the dirt. They are tired of watching their countries or their neighbors' countries used and abused by a bunch of foreign guys who have only their own greed and self-interest at heart."
- Paul Harris -

"For every victim of ours there must be 1,000 dead Palestinians."
- Michael Kleiner, Israeli Herut Party chairman -

"It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must talk to the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope."
- Pope John XXIII -

"We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are."
- Anais Nin -

"99% of lawyers give the other 1% a bad name."
- anonymous lawyer -

"Too many of us confuse what we value with values."
- Noah benShea -

"Hitler doesn't concern me at all - besides, he's probably dead, anyway. What we need to concentrate on is regime change in Italy."
- Winston Churchill, August 3, 1944 -

"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life."
- Arthur Ashe -

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
- Mark Twain -

"In politics nothing happens by chance. If something happens, then you can bet that it was planned that way."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt -

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"
- George Carlin -

"Here we are today victimized by a stolen election that's turned into a mandate for war. Bush is using a war to divert our attention from the economy and drive us by fear, and not lead us by hope."
- Jesse Jackson (as though he had credibility) -

"Remember that three out of four homicide victims are killed by a spouse, family member, friend, or acquaintance. Which is comforting for all of us who fear random violence."
- Al Franken -

"Killers, snipers, thugs and thieves. Why does the media feed us this "fear factor" 24 hours a day, seven days a week? Surely there are good acts going on in the news somewhere. Yet, we are constantly bombarded with stories to paralyze us with fear. Keep us dependent on our "government, police, homeland security" regardless of the fact that these very stories PROVE they cannot get the job done. Distraction is a wonderful thing. It keeps our minds off the major killers, snipers, thugs and thieves that are creating their havoc worldwide on a larger scale, known as the World Trade Organization, GATT, NAFTA, Enron, Tyco, Walmart, Esso, CIA, Mercenaries, Mossad, Skull & Bones, Haliburton, Carlyle Group, Raytheon (the list is long and dreary) and other such true terrorists of peace, happiness and life for all people"
- Meria Heller -

"The Coincidental Premature Deaths surrounding anyone who stands in the way of the Bush families' power seizures are impossible to ignore. Raytheon (who made the plane Paul Wellstone went down in) specializes in two things: 1) Making Killing Machines & 2) Pleasing Administrations."
- voxnyc.com -

"By the time this guy gets around to killing all of us, we should have a pretty good idea who he is."
- Harry Shearer -

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy."
- Mahatma Gandhi -

"Rouse yourself! Sit up!
Resolutely train yourself to attain peace.
Do not let the king of death
seeing you are careless
lead you astray
and dominate you."
- Buddha -

"There is sauerkraut in my lederhosen."
- Top Secret -

OLD HEADLINE FROM HELL

"Democratic Senator to be Assassinated Soon
Assassination teams actively preparing hit"
Posted May 25th 2001 - at Voxfux

Click here and here for more strange stuff about the Wellstone crash that no one's reporting.

"The officials emphasize the existence of snow or rain. Independent reports say there was little rain or none. The doppler showed completely clear skies at the time over the whole of Minnesota."
http://www.indymedia.org/front.php3?article_id=212583&amp;group=webcast

Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it.

Thanks,

Satan

This newsletter made entirely by slave labor.

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