���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> Lets give a bit of a heads up to Mike...Mike found his son Mikie floating face down in their back yard swimming pool....Mike was able to revive him using CPR and his son will be fine! Do YOU know CPR? Could YOU save a life if the opportunity was suddenly thrust at you? The training is very short...and many local authorities will pay for YOU to get trained...so get out and learn something that someday could save a life! I've been trained in CPR for about 20 years...Thank God I have never had to use it...but it makes me a little more comfortable knowing that if the need arose...I could help and not just stand around and look stupid! WTG Mike! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Barb, Stan, Pat, Rubin, Jane, Ruth. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Lawyers for Paint... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.177 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.177 The Long lost son. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.181 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.181 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Living in Washington State, my husband and I often take car trips to Canada to visit his family. One holiday season we stopped at the border, where the guard asked my husband the value of any goods we would be leaving in Canada. My husband paused to think of the value of the gifts we had with us. "Never mind," the guard said, "What's the most expensive thing in your car?" Without hesitation, my husband replied, "My wife." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1943 John Locke LA, rocker (Spirit-I Got A Line on You) 1943 Robert Walden NYC, actor (Joe Rossi-Lou Grant, New Doctors) 1944 Eugenia Zukerman Cambridge Ms, flutist/novelist (Deceptive Cadence) 1944 Michael Douglas NJ, actor (Coma, Wall St, Jewel of the Nile) 1945 Cathy Burns actress (Last Summer) 1949 Anson Williams LA Calif, actor (Potsie-Happy Days) 1949 Mimi Kennedy Rochester NY, actress (Spencer, 3 girls 3, Under 1 Roof) 1951 Bob McAdoo NBA forward/center (Buffalo Braves, LA Lakers) 1951 Mark Hamill Oakland Calif, actor (Star Wars) 1952 Christopher Reeve actor (Superman) 1955 Steve Severin rocker (Siouxsie & the Banshees-Wild Thing) 196- Shell Danielson actress (Laken Lockridge-Santa Barbara) 1961 Heather Locklear LA Calif, actress (Stacy-T.J. Hooker) 1965 Fresh Prince [Will Smith], rapper (Parents Just Don't Understand) 1967 Lezlie Lund Tolna ND, Miss ND-America (1991) 1968 Prince Johan Friso of the Netherlands 1970 Kerri Kendall San Diego Ca, playmate (Sep, 1990) .....and on this day in history: 1956 1st transatlantic telephone cable goes into operation 1956 Brooklyn Dodger Sal Maglie no-hits Phila Phillies, 5-0 1957 300 US Army troops guard 9 black kids return to Central HS in Ark 1957 Soviet 7 year plan (1959-1965) announced 1960 Phillies beat Reds 7-1, ending 16 consecutive Sunday losses 1962 A black church is destroyed by fire in Macon Georgia 1962 Sonny Liston KOs Floyd Patterson in 1st round for heavyweight title 1962 Weatherly (US) beats Gretel (Aust) in 19th running of America's Cup 1965 Beatle cartoon show begins in the US 1966 Smallest Yankee stadium crowd, 413 see White Sox win 4-1 1970 Ringo releases his "Beaucoups of Blues" album 1973 3-man crew of Skylab II make safe splashdown in Pacific after 59 days 1973 Willie Mays night at Shea Stadium 1976 Expo's last game at Montreal's Jarry Park 1978 PSA Boeing 727 & a Cessna private plane collide by San Diego, 144 die 1980 Chevy Chase calls Cary Grant a homo on Tomorrow show (suit follows) 1981 Rolling Stones begin their 6th US tour (JFK Stadium, Phila) 1981 Sandra Day O'Connor sworn in as 1st female supreme court justice 1982 Penn prison guard George Banks kills 13 (5 were his own children) 1983 Bob Forsch pitches 2nd career no-hitter, Cards beat Expos 3-0 1985 Akali Dal wins Punjab State election in India 1986 Antonin Scalia appointed to the Supreme Court 1986 Houston Astro Mike Scott no-hits SF Giants, 2-0 1988 Florence Griffith Joyner runs Olympic record 100m in 10.54s 1990 1st 8 NY Yankees hit safely vs Balt Orioles to tie record 1990 Oakland A's clinch 3rd straight AL West title 1990 Saddam Hussein warns US will repeat Vietnam experience 1990 UN Security Council vote 14-1 to impose air embargo against Iraq 1991 "Good & Evil" premiers on ABC TV 1991 The Paramount at Madison Square Garden in NYC opens �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husbands face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� We seem to be moving just a little closer! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that." -Catherine Marshall ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Singles Chat Room <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08j.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08j.html Beer <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/26.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/26.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator." He motions with his finger, "Come this way..." She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Is this stool... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.183 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.183 Keeping in tune... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.191 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.191 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." "Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?" "Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� I normally do not broach any discussions of a racial nature, however I do believe the recent conclusion of an important study by the World Council Of Bishops deserves mention. An often debated religious assumption has been officially accepted after many years of study. I refer to the depiction of Adam and Eve as being white. There had been a long running controversy disputing that assumption because it is now quite commonally assumed among the scientific community that the beginnings of human civilization were in Africa. With this fact established through the well documented discoveries of the world renown Leaky family of anthropologists, the generally accepted belief that Adam and Eve were white flies in the face of genetic theory, basic common sense and the Darwin theory of Evolution, and recent anthropological discoveries. So as you can see there was some concern amongst the various councils of the world's religious bodies, to in effect prove or disprove the lineage from our Adam and Eve forebearers. After over ten years of exhaustive search and thoroughly investigating each and every clue in the deepest recesses and the darkest parts of this planet, the complete examination of all ancient manuscripts, epistles, parchments and written history in the libraries, and religious depositories throughout the Christian, Moslem and Asian worlds a conclusive decision was reached by the appointed investigating committee. It has been positively stated by the Council Of Bishops that Adam and Eve, the original chidren of God and the sole human occupants of Paradise were most definitely white because the investigating committee for the Council Of Bishops accepted the conclusive proof that there existed no evidence anywhere, that anyone has, under any circumstances, . . .ever been able to take away a rib from a black man. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to look. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Renowned paleoanthropologist Richard Leakey is known for uncovering many fossils of early humans. He left school at the age of 16 to start a business doing what? A. Leading safaris B. Hunting fossils C. Printing newspaper D. Making movies --- The hippopotamus is semiaquatic. Which is NOT a trait of the hippo? A. Before they can walk hippopotamuses can swim B. Capable of remaining underwater for as long as 25 minutes C. Often swims nearly 20 miles in search food D. Sleeps underwater <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Despite their immense strength, lions do not have an easy life in the wild. They suffer from parasites and disease, they get injured or even killed while hunting or fighting with each other, and they may starve when food is scarce. How many cubs die before they are 1 year old? B. Two-thirds --- Fossils of elephant ancestors indicate they once lived on what continents? C. All except Australia and Antarctica � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Goldilocks & The Three Hairs <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/sbgoldilocks.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/sbgoldilocks.htm Male Library <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/27.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/27.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Impotence by any other word is still the same: 1. A few parts shy of an erector set 2. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 3. Disappointing Miss Daisy 4. Ascension Deficit Disorder 5. Bouncing the Check of Love 6. All Doled up with nowhere to go 7. Serving boneless pork <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! This is a very special archived edition...it was the first issue that I published after Sept 11th 2001....and is dedicated to the brave people who gave everything they could! Sept 25 2000 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m718.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m718.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� It was a summer night in 1942 when we landed in a small inlet on the coast of the Red Sea. Our orders were clear. Dressed as Bedouins we were to cross the Arabian Desert to meet our contacts near the Nile where we were to obtain vital information regarding Rommel's forces. We were given a map showing each rivulet and creek as we could carry only a limited amount of water. We had to travel primarily at night because of the extreme heat. Each time we reached another creek on the map, we would find only a wadi, totally dry this time of the year. In spite of extreme thirst and dehydration, we finally staggered to our assigned destination where we were met by Arab nomads loyal to the Allied cause. We explained that we had crossed the desert without water as every river bed was dry. "Of course," we were told, "you went from one ex-stream to another." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Crate Man <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cman.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cman.html Remove Her Bra <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rebra.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/rebra.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni cames home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprised her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing." Anni says, "Mom, I got married." "Oy, mazeltov," says Anni's mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?" "He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law." Anni brings him in and to her consternation her mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position. Anni's mother grabs her, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, You Idiot. . .I said RICH doctor!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Tarzan lumbered home after a hard day's work just in time to see a crocodile snap one of his 15 kids off the riverbank. "Hey Jane," he yelled, "Did you see that?" "Oh come to bed," Jane shouted back, "and we'll make another one." The next day, as Tarzan was making his way home again, it happened once more. A crocodile came out of the river and grabbed one of his kids. Jane was not in the least bit concerned when Tarzan brought it to her attention. "Let's go to bed and make another one," she said. "No way!" Tarzan boomed, stamping his feet. "I'm not working all day and fucking all night just to feed the bloody pet crocodiles!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Fantasize <a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/28.htm ">Click</a> http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/28.htm Human Flag <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/hflag.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/hflag.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Czech prisoner could end up serving a longer sentence after guards heard voices coming from his backside. Prison wardens in Brno say they discovered the 48-year- old had hidden a tiny walky-talky in his bottom. He was allegedly using it to communicate with his wife to arrange bribes for investigators and lawyers involved in the case against him. The daily Mlada fronta Dnes reports that the prisoner, who was remanded in custody on charges of car theft, talked to his wife, who would park her car a few hundred metres from the prison, every day. "I have worked here since 1996 but I can't recollect ever finding anything stuck in such parts," said Sona Haluzova, spokeswoman for the Brno prison. Police say the pair have been charged with perverting the course of justice and could face six months in jail. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Greg called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit. "I've got grounds, all right," sputtered Greg. "Can you believe Keli told me I'm a lousy lover?" "That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer. "Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] O B E S E T R E A T [||||] The summer's sleeper celugrosser My Big Fat Greek Wedding will become a mid season TV sitcom on CBS. (USA Today) Who's already changed the title to the more politically correct My Full Figured Nondenominational Declaration of Lifetime Fidelity. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� 8 Simple Rules for Watching "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughters" 1. If you get an erection when you see the cute daughter's thong, don't let it knock your TV dinner off your lap or your dog will eat your Salisbury steak. 2. If your erection won't go away, don't change channels after the show. One look at Bonnie Hunt will take care of it. 3. Take a shot of tequila every time John Ritter gets flustered. 4. Take a shot of tequila every time the audience laughs at something that isn't funny. 5. When you wake up next morning passed out on the floor, don't slip on the pool of vomit. 6. Stop trying to figure it out for the $1 million. That's Push, Nevada. 7. Stop dreaming that just because one of your pieces was stolen and sent all over the Internet that YOU'LL end up with a major TV deal. 8. Buy the book by W. Bruce Cameron. It'll last longer. copyright 2002 by Michael Dare ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Raiding the fridge... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.193 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.193 Bang? What Bang? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.197 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.197 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� It was to be the perfect plan. It was a robbery rehearsed. The robber: Didn't exist. The gun: None. The getaway car: Not one. But there were crimes committed: Felonies called making a false report and grand theft. And three employees at the Subway sandwich shop at The Strand in North Naples, were arrested Wednesday and charged with taking the money that was first reported stolen during a holdup March 27. Arrested were: the clerk, Alicia K. Massard, who called in the false robbery to authorities; Massard's boyfriend and store manager Christopher Todd Medicus, 18, and employee Daniel Francis Givens, 16, who masterminded the fake holdup, authorities say. Under questioning from Collier County sheriff's deputies, the story fell apart. And some of the first clues popped up immediately after Massard called in the alleged crime to 911 around 9 a.m., reports say. Detectives say here's what led to the arrests: Massard called in the robbery, saying she was alone in Subway after Medicus and Givens had left, when a man came in, looked at the food, walked over to the cash register and pulled a handgun and pointed it at her face. He demanded all of the cash and she said she turned over what was in the register along with the bank bag left on the counter. About $1,200 total in cash, reports say. She said she handed the robber the bank bag and watched him drive off in a white, older model full-size car parked near the curb in front of the store. Then she locked the door and called 911. But Detective Brenda Kureth noticed that Massard wasn't acting like someone who had a gun pointed at her. "Massard was calm, cool and collected, not nervous or upset after having a gun put in her face," she wrote in her report. After she recounted her story, Massard was asked to go to the Sheriff's Office the following day to help make a police sketch. Then, she told a different story. Givens had disappeared, taking all of his clothes, Massard told deputies. His mother had reported him missing in her car. "Danny did it," she told deputies. She said Givens came in, saying he wanted to take the money. He told her to let him take it and not tell anyone. Medicus told Givens not to do it, Massard said. When Medicus went to deliver sandwiches, Givens took the money. He told Massard to describe a robber. He told her to describe him, but make him a black man with a gun and a white car. Medicus told deputies that Givens had stopped by to see if he had to work and came up with the plan. "Hey, why don't I rob you guys?" Medicus recalled Givens saying. "I've got the perfect plan." Givens kept telling her over and over what to say when she called police, Medicus told detectives. Givens said they all came up with the plan together, working out the details. Givens said it was his idea for the phony description of the robber. He said Medicus stacked the bills into three piles to see how much they could make in a three-way split, which came out to $415 each. He said Medicus put the cash in the blue bank bag and handed it to him and he left. They'd meet up again later. Givens said he used some of the money to buy "some really good weed" and smoked it. He tossed the bank bag into the woods on Santa Barbara Boulevard. He said his friends told him to lay low after he told them what he'd done. But Givens got scared and decided to run away to Tennessee. He used some of the Subway stolen money to buy an Air Tran ticket to Memphis from Fort Myers. He also took a round-trip bus ticket he had to Tennessee with him and turned it in to pay for a plane ticket back home. He called his mother and told her he had stolen the money, along with his friends. Finally, Givens returned to Naples and told his mother he wanted to turn himself in to authorities. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? Stick two fingers in his honey. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Disinfotainment Today! "All Rights Reserved and All Wrongs Avenged" ISSUE #21 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE A Great Big Smooshy Kiss I'd like to sincerely thank all the people who sent me all those "never forget" e-mails because I had plumb forgotten all about it. I was just going to stay home on 9/11 and jerk off to Katie Couric when I found out she was preempted by some sort of ceremony in New York. I had forgotten what it was about until all those e-mails with American flags and crying eagles reminded me. Thanks again. You Were Expecting Finnegan's Wake? Check out this comic book version of Bush's day. http://www.visualjournalism.com/Files/reviews/bush911/pageBig.shtml Downloaded MP3s of Metallica? Three minutes are missing from the cockpit tapes of flight 93. http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/news/local/4084323.htm Small Favors U.S. warplanes patrolling the no-fly zones over Iraq have already been ordered not to bomb certain units thought to be ready to switch sides. Blame Bush 220,000 American women got breast implants last year, Online Animated Film of the Week Thank God the Feds are out there protecting us from this. http://www.salon.com/politics/comics/2002/09/19/protect/index.html Flash Video of the Week Why we must invade Iraq right now! http://www.markfiore.com/animation/corrections.swf Obscene MP3 of the Week Cocksmoking Across the USA http://www.nationallampoon.com/travel/truckcd/album/Cock_Smoking.mp3 Minus 1, If You Count George W According to The Law of Accelerating Returns by Ray Kurtzweil, if the computational power of PCs keeps doubling every year, as it is now, by the year 2023, a $1,000 machine will have the computational power of the human brain, and by the year 2049, the computational power of every brain on earth. Lawsuit of the Week We've all heard about the families who are suing bin Laden's family business, members of the Saudi Arabian royal family, and the nation of Sudan for their involvement in 9/11, but for some reason no one's reporting about the second group of families who are suing President Bush, Vice President Cheney, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Norman Mineta for the exact same thing. Go here and scroll down to "A Tale of Two Lawsuits." http://www.blackcommentator.com/10_letter_to_readers.html Proof That Two People Can Look at the Exact Same Thing and See Something Completely Different You've already seen them, but here are videos of the collapse. From the site: "Take a close look at the manner in which it collapses straight down. For this building to collapse in this fashion, ALL of the load bearing supports would have had to fail (or be cut) at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. Think this happens by chance? The claim that the collapse was the result of a fire requires the fire be equally distributed throughout the entire floor of the building, providing equal heat for an equal amount of time, so that all the load bearings members would fail at the exact same moment." http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/wtc7collapse.html Good Idea of the Week Correcting the sin of omission, FilthyFlicks adds extra sex, nudity, profanity or extreme violence to your favorite screen gems. http://www.salon.com/people/satire/2002/09/20/filthy/index.html Memo To Rush Limbaugh Thanks for telling us that those five suspected terrorists were registered Democrats. Now explain why David Westerfield, who was just convicted of kidnapping and murdering 7-year-old Danielle van Dam, is a registered Republican. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/limbaugh1.html Not to Make You REALLY Paranoid but... Read about the CIA and the West Nile Virus. http://www.tetrahedron.org/articles/cia_west_nile_virus.html Does Alice Know About This? The first private Moon landing has been given the green light by the US Government, though why exactly someone would need permission from the US Government to go to the moon isn't particularly clear. In any case, you don't have to go yourself. For a mere $2,500 per gram, you can send any article you want to the lunar surface, green cheese, sperm, episodes of The Honeymooners, you name it. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/2249064.stm Wacko Theory of the Week The reason Bush takes all those "vacations" is because his communications in the White House are monitored. At his ranch he's free to make his phone calls to Saddam Hussein planning out the course of the war, and how Hussein will escape, without fear of being overheard. Joke from Planet Proctor A first grade teacher gave each of her students the first half of a popular proverb and asked them to come up with the rest: Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the ...........................bug is close. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of............termites. You can lead a horse to water but...........how? Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty. No news is..................................impossible. A miss is as good as a......................Mister You can't teach an old dog new..............math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning. The pen is mightier than the................pigs. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents. A penny saved is............................not much. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &......you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries. You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way. And -- Better late than ..........................pregnant. Time Waster of the Week Check out these UFO photos. http://www.rense.com/general29/astn.htm Calling All Criminals If you steal a cellphone, don't answer it. http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2002421109,00.html Insane E-mail of the Week Ladies and Gentlemen of the International Community: I speak to you today of a grave threat to the international order and peace. There is a nation among us that is an immediate danger to us all, requiring immediate action by all peace-loving countries that believe in the rule of law. We are dealing with a nation that routinely thwarts the will of the international community; it has both possession of and continues to seek further weapons of mass destruction, including nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons despite international laws and treaties prohibiting it. This country has shown itself to be a belligerent force, invading sovereign nations it does not approve of with impunity and in violation of international laws and consensus. It uses its military solely to further its power over oil. It has shown complete disregard for the safety of the international community by overthrowing legitimate governments, supporting and arming dictators, and murdering civilians by the millions. Thousands of dissidents have disappeared in its jails without legal recourse, in contradiction to the words and spirit of its own Constitution and Bill of Rights. It destroys its own natural resources and contributes to massive environmental destruction worldwide, while using its military force to squelch opposition to its policies. This country has a long history of brutality and disrespect of civil rights and international law. The list of UN resolutions that it has ignored or sabotaged is nearly endless. It uses its power in the UN to aid its allies and punish its ideological adversaries with no regard for what is right, true, ethical, or in the best interests of the greater good. Even now it threatens to act with unilateral violence if the UN fails to take action it wants. A government like this has no place in the international community. It is for all these reasons that I call on you today to foment regime change in the United States by any means necessary. In the years to come, your actions will go down in history as a courageous people acting the interest of the world to ensure peace. If you fail to act, the consequences are enormous, and will lead to an ever-increasing cycle of violence, and the end of peace on this planet as we know it, making the 3037 who died on September 11th appear a small tragedy in comparison. Act now, act decisively, and act effectively. - Ian Kleinfeld - Dear Dr. Hollywood, I had begun a stage musical based on a certain singer's music. She is a huge star, but seems accessible (not Hollywood), so I shifted gears using some of the material I'd started, researched and wrote my first real screenplay, based on the artists' song that, in an interview, she said she thought would be a great TV movie. I FedEx'ed the script, with cover letter and my resume to the star. Did I do wrong? Or am I brazenly ignorant? Or both? What do I do now? Follow up letter? Phone call? Agent? HELP!!! (I'm not really this desperate, just overly dramatic.) Robert Robert, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. I once wrote a script for Hal Ashby. Didn't know the guy from Adam, just knew my script was for him. Didn't have his address either, but knew he lived in the Malibu Colony, so I mailed it to Hal Ashby, Malibu Colony, CA, and waited. One week, nothing. Two weeks, nothing. Three weeks, I was so frustrated I sat at my piano and wrote a song about my frustration and how hard it was to put a movie together. The chorus was "Another Roadside Attraction, another snowball in hell, Another Roadside Attraction, another film that might sell." I taped it and mailed it to Hal. The next day the phone rang. It was Hal Ashby. He had picked up his mail on the way to work and was sitting in the back of the limo when my tape fell out of the envelope. He put it on and laughed his ass off. Couldn't stop listening all the way to the studio. He wanted to meet me but his schedule was full. I'd hear back. About a month later I was sitting on a balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean sharing drinks and a joint with Hal, talking about how we were going to make that movie. So it can happen, though I had several things working in my favor. My script was based upon a book that Hal had already read and loved. I actually owned the rights to the book, so if anybody wanted to make a movie out of that book, they had to come to me. Hal was an artist who directed scripts written by other people. I gave him a script written by me. I gave him what he was looking for. That's the good news. Giving a script to a rock star because it's based upon one of their songs is a whole other animal. Rock stars surround themselves with people specifically hired to keep people like you away. A package from a stranger will be treated like it's got anthrax, especially once they find out it's got a script in it. If that rock star gets anywhere near the script, they are THIS close to having to appear in court to testify that they never read it. They can't read scripts sent to them by strangers any more than they can listen to songs sent to them by strangers. They don't want to be sued by a songwriter claiming they sent them a tape of a song with a chorus that resembles one of theirs, and they certainly don't want to be sued by a screenwriter claiming that a film based upon one of their own songs has scenes in it that he thought of first and he can prove it. They're a big star? They've probably got a production company or are the head of a corporation. That means they've got employees whose job it is to make film deals. If you had an idea for a computer game, would you drop it off at Bill Gates' doorstep or submit it to his computer gaming department? If they say no, you think he'd say yes? Channels are important. Nobody likes anyone going over their head. If the song has cinematic potential, they're already working on it. They've already made, or at least brainstormed, the video. They've already got a writer working for them. They're already coming up with ideas that you've probably already come up with yourself. Ideas that are in your script that they don't want to get sued for if they use them. You're like that guy who wrote me about the incredible script he had written based upon Lord of the Rings and how pissed he was that Peter Jackson refused to read it. You're a lawsuit waiting to happen. You not only won't hear back from them, you've put them in a position where they are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN from responding since that would be admitting they know you exist. You're not offering them something they're looking for, you're offering them something they're avoiding. Here's how you make a movie out of a song. You call the publishers and tell them you're interested in the screen rights to the song. They will put you in contact with whoever controls those rights. If it's a production company, if it's the artist's manager, whoever it is, you call them and ask what they're doing with the song, filmwise. If they say they're producing it themselves and they're looking for a writer, Bingo, you've got something they're looking for. If they say "nothing," Bingo, that means the rights are available. Maybe they'll give you a free option as long as they own a piece of the script. In any case, writing a script based upon ANYTHING you don't own the rights to is suicide. The first thing anyone asks when you give it to them is "Do you have the rights?" If the answer's no, you're history. There's only one thing you can do. Use search and replace and change absolutely everything in your script that even slightly resembles the song so THEY don't sue YOU. Change every name and every location. See if it stands on its own merits. If you can sell it just because it's good, not because it's based on a hit song, then at some point you can mention to the producers, "Hey, why don't we get the rights to this song? It'll work perfectly." MD "In L.A. a rose is not just a rose. To make it in L.A., a rose has to be hot. A rose has to be happening. A rose has to open wide. A rose has to deny it's leaving CAA to sign with Michael Ovitz. A rose has to set up a deal at Dreamworks." - Larry Gelbart - Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? September 23, 2002 UNDO THE COUP Satan for President in 2004 PRESUMABLY IN HELLVETICA One mosque in Baghdad houses a 605-page Koran that Iraqi officials say was written with 50 pints of Saddam Hussein's blood. HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL During the Gulf War of 1991, twice as many people were accidentally suffocated while wearing the gas masks issued to protect against a feared chemical attack than were killed by actual Scud attacks. "The obsession with Israel, to which some Arab states have sacrificed their own better interests, is not entirely rooted in greed for the territory of Israel. That is scarcely one-half of one percent of the vast lands that have been granted to Arab rulers since the end of World War I. It cannot be over 'occupation' of Judea and Samaria (West Bank) or 'rights of the Palestinians' for those were not invented until 1967, after the loss of a major war of aggression against Israel. Nor is this obsession entirely derived from the doctrine of wakf - the doctrine that any land once conquered by Islam can never be relinquished. There are few, if any, expressions of determination to reconquer Spain, Portugal, Sicily, Greece and the Balkans, though all of them were for centuries been under Muslim rule. "The singular component of the obsession, not found in any other political or territorial dispute, is that Israel is Jewish and the bulk of Israelis are Jews. For more than 1300 years, the doctrine, tradition and practice of the Muslim world has been: -- to keep Jews to subjugation and servitude, so it is intolerable that they should live in independence and freedom." - From Judeophobia Part II: The Muslim World - APOLOGY FROM HELL "I've got no talent, I just won an Emmy, and I'm fucking Brad Pitt. Sorry about that." - Jennifer (soon to be in another pit altogether) Aniston - SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW Scientists have discovered life on earth. http://www.space.com/searchforlife/seti_licancabur_020919.html QUIZ FROM HELL Iraq will not allow United Nations weapons inspectors into Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces until... a) the United States allows United Nations weapons inspectors into George W. Bush's vacation homes. b) Pauly Shore wins an Oscar. Essay question: What's the difference between what we're about to do to Iraq and what Iraq did to Kuwait? QUOTES FROM HELL "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Kierkegaard - "Let us show, not merely in great crises, but in every day affairs of life, qualities of practical intelligence, of hardihood and endurance, and above all, the power of devotion to a lofty ideal." - Theodore Roosevelt - "We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." - e.e. cummings - "Was Daniel Pearl poking into things he shouldn't have? Pearl may have been investigating the 9-11 money trail. I firmly believe he was 'offed' by ISI operatives, and, in my opinion, with the full consent of the CIA...he must have been getting far too close to the truth." - R.B. Ham - "It is not the function of the government to keep the citizen from falling into error; it is the function of the citizen to keep the government from falling into error." - U.S. Supreme Court Justice Robert H. Parker, Chief Prosecutor for the United States of America at the Nuremberg Trials - "The administration has denied lawmakers investigating the Sept. 11 attacks permission to reveal whether the president or other White House staff received warning of potential terrorist attacks against the United States, including plans by al Qaida linked terrorists to use hijacked planes as weapons." - UPI - "The United States' aim of attacking Iraq is not to rescue people, but is to have access to its resources, especially energy." - Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, former president of Iran - "Americans really do believe their country is better than anything else; that America is entitled to as much of the resources and riches of the planet as it wants and it doesn't matter whomever else might have to suffer or go short; that all other nations are enemies if they don't march to the American drum in virtually any arena you might care to mention; that it has the right, indeed the obligation, to enforce its will wherever it sees fit by whatever means it wants; that it has the right to invade sovereign nations as a way of deflecting attention from some domestic political scandal or if there is some neat new weapon that really needs a good field testing; that killing of foreign civilians doesn't really count because they're always in season and there's no quota; that somehow a bullet-ridden and trigger-happy American society is in every way superior to any other place on earth." - Paul Harris - "A civilian gang of thieving lobbyists for the military industrial complex is running the White House. If to be against them is considered unpatriotic, hell, then call me a traitor." - Hunter S. Thompson, 8/30/02, ABC Radio Network - "Governor Bush said he was 'proud of the interaction between law enforcement agencies.' Perhaps the real lesson to be learned is that our efficient law enforcement agencies apprehended the culprits after only 15 hours and 700 miles had elapsed. They certainly showed how easily they could be sent on a wild goose chase. A terrorist could send a couple of dupes into a Georgia restaurant to whisper about a hit going down in Miami. The FBI, et al, descends on Miami while the terrorists strike New York or San Francisco. This is a scene that could be played out all over the country. I hope the real evildoers weren't taking notes." - Raff Ellis on the terrorist attack in Georgia - "The US has the Central Intelligence Agency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the National Security Agency, the Defense Intelligence Agency, the National Reconnaissance Office, the Secret Service, and a host of other intelligence and security agencies. These agencies employ Echelon, which monitors the majority of electronic communication in the world; Carnivore, which intercepts email; Tempest, a technology that can read a computer monitor's display from over a block away; Keyhole satellites that have a resolution of four inches; and other spy technologies, probably most of which we don't know about. In 2001, the US spent $30 billion on intelligence gathering and an additional $12 billion on counterterrorism. With all of these resources, and more, we're supposed to believe that the government didn't have the slightest inkling that terrorists were planning to attack the United States, much less hijack planes and send them careening into major landmarks." - Russ Kick - "Attention residents of planet Earth: A white-collar criminal from the state of Texas is about to endanger the general well-being and lives of you and all your progeny. The citizens of the United States are to blame. We've let a two-bit, linguistically challenged thug hijack our country, our values, and our needs. This isn't a kamikaze mission either; when it's all over, he'll be sitting high on the hog with all his minions wherever they can find a bit of unscorched ground." - Matthew Reimer - "Universal Peace is a direct threat to the profits and continuation of the War industry." - James Gilliland - "Entangled by the bonds of hate, he who seeks his own happiness by inflicting pain on others, is never delivered from hatred." - Buddha - "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." - Isaac Asimov - dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. 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