[Purehumour] Wednesday Wonders

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Barb, Barbara, Keli, Laura,
Terri, Rubin, Stan, Pat.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog!

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Stupid boss...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1118

Getting dramatic...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1117 ">Click Here </a>
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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"

"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1950 Pamela Stephenson Auckland New Zealand, actress (Superman 3, Sat Night Live)
1950 Jan Rietman Dutch radio/TV host
1950 Karel van de Graf Dutch TV host
1951 Gary Rossington rocker (Lynyrd Skynyrd, Rossington-Collins Band)
1951 Patricia Wettig Cincinnati OH, actress (Nancy Weston-30 Something)
1952 Ronald Michael Sega Cleveland OH, PhD/Astronaut (STS 60, 76)
1955 Brian Prout Troy NY, singer (Diamond Rio-Meet in the Middle)
1955 Cassandra Wilson jazz singer
1956 Bernard King basketball player (New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets)
1956 Blagoi Blagoyev Bulgaria, 82.5 kg weightlifter (Olympics-silver-1976)
1956 Herbert Groenemeyer Germany, rocker (OE, Luxus, Chaos, Spruenge)
1957 Raul Boesel Brazil, Indy-car racer (CART)
1957 Lee Smith Jamestown LA, pitcher (Cincinnati Reds)
1958 Bill Roy Versailles IL, skeet (Olympics-1996)
1961 Frank Reich NFL quarterback (Carolina Panthers, Green Bay Packers, Detroit Lions)
1962 Arnold Scholten soccer player (Feyenoord)
1962 John Gaasbeek soccer player (FC Twente/NAC)
1962 Stan Gelbaugh NFL quarterback (Seattle Seahawks)
1963 Johanna Wright Raleigh NC, WPVA volleyballer (Pismo Beach-4th)
1963 Mike Snoei soccer player (Sparta)
1963 Sergey Bubka Ukraine, pole vaulter (Olympics-gold-88, 92)
1964 Bill Peterson Smithfield NC, WLAF general manager (Amsterdam Admirals)
1964 Marisa Tomei Brooklyn NY, actress (My Cousin Vinny)
1965 Rob Smits pop drummer (Kong/Phlegm)
1967 Klaus Wilmsmeyer NFL punter (New Orleans Saints)
1967 Martha O'Kelley US softball infielder (Olympics-gold-96)
1968 Mike Barrowman Costa Mesa CA, kayak/200 meter breast stroke (Olympics-gold-92, 96)
1969 Ferric Collons NFL defensive end (New England Patriots)
1969 Jacques Landry Saskatoon Saskatchawan, cyclist (Olympics-96)
1969 Marie-Jos�e Morneau Longueuil Qu�bec, 56 kg judoka (Olympics-96)
1969 Mik Middleton WLAF safety (Barcelona Dragons)
1969 Terry Glenn wide receiver (New England Patriots)
1970 Jeff Blake NFL quarterback (Cincinnati Bengals)
1971 Terrence Wisdom NFL/WLAF guard/center (New York Jets, London Monarchs)
1972 Damien Covington NFL linebacker (Buffalo Bills)
1972 Howard Eisley NBA guard (Utah Jazz)
1972 Jassen Cullimore Simcoe, NHL defenseman (Vancouver Canucks)
1972 Jude St John CFL offensive linebacker (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1972 Kerry Anne Guse Brisbane Queensland, tennis star (1996 final Hobart)
1972 Ted Johnson NFL inside linebacker (New England Patriots)
1973 Corliss Williamson NBA forward (Sacramento Kings)
1973 Tyra Banks model/actress (Higher Learning, Fresh Prince of Bel Air)
1974 Anke Huber Bruchsal Germany, tennis star (1996 finalist Australian)
1976 John Lee Chicago IL, dance skater (& Julia Bikbova)
1977 Emily Ballard Miss Washington Teen USA (1996)
1977 Shahid Nazir cricketer (Pakistan Test fast bowler vs Zimbabwe 1996)

.....and on this day in history:

1951 Superheated gases roll down Mount Catarman (Philippines), kills 500
1951 Copland/Robbins' "Pied Piper" premieres in New York NY
1952 Killer fogs begin in London England, "Smog" becomes a word
1952 Walter P Reuther chosen chairman of CIO
1954 "Hit the Trail" closes at Mark Hellinger Theater NYC after 4 performances
1954 "On Your Toes" closes at 46th St Theater NYC after 64 performances
1955 Manager Alfrink installed as archbishop of Utrecht
1956 22nd Heisman Trophy Award: Paul Hornung, Notre Dame (QB)
1957 1st edition of "Chase's Annual Events" published
1957 2 commuter trains collide in heavy fog killing 92 (St John's England)
1958 Dahomey (Benin), Ivory Coast become autonomous within French Community
1958 Finnish government of Fagerholm, resigns
1961 Museum of Modern Art hangs Matisse's Le Bateau upside down for 47 days
1961 Smallest New York Knicks crowd at 49th St Madison Square Garden-1,300 (due to snowstorm)
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 Aldo Moro forms Italian government
1963 Pope Paul VI closes 2nd session of 2nd Vatican Council
1964 Beatles release "Beatles For Sale" album
1965 2nd New York Knick game postponed (due to death of opponent 76ers' owner)
1965 Gemini 7 launched with 2 astronauts (Borman & Lovell)
1965 "Roar of the Greasepaint" closes at Shubert NYC after 232 performances
1965 2 passenger planes collide above Danbury CT, 4 die
1966 KETS TV channel 2 in Little Rock AR (PBS) begins broadcasting
1966 Sandra Haynie wins LPGA Pensacola Ladies Golf Invitational
1970 Unemployment in US increases to 5.8%
1973 John Cappelletti wins Heisman trophy
1974 Dutch DC-8 charter crashes in Sri Lanka killing 191 Moslem pilgrims
1974 Jean-Paul Sartre visits RAF leader Andreas Baader in prison
1975 6 South Molukkans occupy Indonesian consulate in The Hague, 1 dead
1976 Liz Taylor's 7th marriage (John Warner)
1977 Jean-Bedel Bokassa, ruler of Central African Empire, crowns himself
1979 Cleveland Cavaliers retire jersey #7, Bingo Smith
1979 Liza Minnelli's 3rd marriage (Mark Gero)
1980 Islanders end 15 game undefeated streak (13-0-2) (Colorado Rockies)
1980 2 months after death of drummer John Bonham, Led Zeppelin breaks up
1981 "Falcon Crest" premieres on CBS-TV
1981 According to South Africa, Ciskei gains independence; Not recognized as an independent country outside South Africa
1981 President Reagan allows CIA to engage in domestic counter-intelligence (No 12333)
1982 48th Heisman Trophy Award: Herschel Walker, Georgia (RB)
1983 David Shire & R Maltby Jr's musical "Baby" premieres at Barrymore Theater NYC for 241 performances
1984 Hijackers commandeered a Kuwaiti airliner
1985 President Reagan appoints Vice Admiral John Poindexter as security adviser
1985 "Les Miserables" opens at Palace Theatre, London
1985 French President Mitterrand receives Polish leader Jaruzelski
1987 Karlstad skates world record 10 km (13:48.51)
1988 Actor Gary Busey critically injured in motorcycle crash
1988 Amy Benz/John Huston win LPGA J C Penney Golf Classic
1990 Iraq announces it will release all 3,300 Soviet hostages
1991 Judds final concert (Nashville)
1991 Muslim Shiites release last US hostage Terry Anderson (held 6� years)
1991 Patricia Bowman testifies that William Kennedy Smith raped her
1992 US Troops land in Somalia
1993 Dan Jansen skates world record 500 meter (35.92 seconds)
1993 Johann Koss skates world record 5K (6:35.53)
1994 83rd Davis Cup: Sweden beats Russia in Moscow (4-1)
1994 Marta Figueras-Dottie/Brad Bryant win LPGA J C Penney Golf Classic
1995 Atherton (185) bats for 643 minutes to save Johannesburg Test
1996 7th Billboard Music Awards
1996 NASA's 1st Mars rover launched from Cape Canaveral
1996 Orlando Magic tie NBA record of fewest ponts scored since inception of 24 second clock losing to Cleveland Cavalier, 84-57
1997 "Diary of Anne Frank" opens at Music Box Theater NYC
1997 NBA suspends Latrell Sprewell for 1 year for attacking his coach

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Kurt walks into a bar and sees Norm sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a great big smile on his face. Kurt says "Norm, what are you so
happy for?"

"Well Kurt, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Kurt, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Kurt. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Kurt, she couldn't swim!!"

The next day Kurt walks into the bar and sees Norm sitting at the end
of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Kurt says "What
are you so happy about today Norm?"

"Well Kurt... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to
here, Kurt, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Kurt, way
out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its
either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Kurt, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days pass and Kurt walks into the bar and sees Norm down there
cryin over a beer. Kurt says "Norm, what are you so sad for?" "Well Kurt,
I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to
here, Kurt, tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Kurt, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the
key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She
pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Kurt !!! She had a great BIG
dick!!! And Kurt, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Cold Pussy
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This Coupon Entitles You
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Hard To Work
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You Never Know Where A Terrorist Could Hide
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/hide.htm ">Click</a>
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

You know you're living in the 02's when:

1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours
boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

I'm blue...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1116

Who cut the Cheese??
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1115

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Classic!]

A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat
beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the
matter?" said the first guy.

"OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California,"
the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime
rate....."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as
the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. I was
worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word
for it. .....What do you do for a living?"

"...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach that person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

1. What is the Texas state motto?

A. Independence
B. Live free
C. Friendship
D. Where's the beef?

<Answers in Next Issue!>

01/12

Last Issue's Answers:

Archeologists have discovered surprisingly accurate terra cotta reproductions of one specific organ which Mesopotamians believed was the seat of the soul. Can you name this organ?

C. Liver


� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

What Do You See?? A Cool Illusion
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/illusion.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/illusion.htm

Meditate
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/meditate.htm ">Click</a>
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Now Thats A Mouthful
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/mouthful.htm ">Click</a>
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The Mullet Family
<a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/mullet.htm ">Click</a>
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

Yesterday, I went into a bar to watch the Dallas-Washington game and
took Skippy, my pet schipperke, with me. The bartender told me I needed
to take the dog outside, but I told him that Skippy was a huge football
fan so he let him stay.

Every time the Cowboys scored a touchdown, Skippy would bark and run
around excitedly. At the end of the game, when Dallas had won, Skippy
did several back flips!

The bartender was amazed. "That's great," he said. "But what does he do
if the Redskins win?"

I answered, "I don't know. He's only five years old!"

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Purehumour remains around the 128 mark in the archives for
October 2002...we moved up a few spaces in the last couple
of months...but still lag behind the competition...so get your
happy little butts into those archives...check out this day...
one year ago:

<a href="http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m767.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m767.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself
a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with
some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate
ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in
both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually
himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,
"Use the FORKS, Luke."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

The Woman Song
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Armageddon
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/armageddon.html ">Click</a>
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The Midol Song
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj5.htm ">Click</a>
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���-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------���

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj

The dogs sat by the cat hole wanting to ask questions but were inexplicably
afraid to do so. After minutes of silence the cat spoke up. "The name is Gus
and are there just six of you"?

"Yeah just us six." Sam answered. "How many of you"?

"Eighteen of us down here." The cat replied.

Rex was thinking to himself but spoke loud enough for all to hear, "That's
one hell of a hole."

"That's right Sparky." The cat said. "Don't ever let it be said that cats are
not prepared for the worst."

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

John goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. John
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at John for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way.

"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember
me?" John muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and John is at a circus back in the
States.

He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost
like it KNOWS him. John wonders, "Could this be that elephant I
helped so long ago?"

He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving
him the staredown, John moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to
cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks John up
carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... throws
him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't that elephant.

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Anni: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand.

Anni: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number
for Jack?

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Arafat
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After Dinner Nipples
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McPorno
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The Quickies
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

Hundreds of Australian women plan to hold a nude rain
dance in a bid to end a drought.

The women, who live in the Mallee area of Victoria, say
they were inspired by a group of Nepalese women who
carried out a similar rain dance earlier this year.
Shortly afterwards the Nepalese drought ended.

The Australians are planning a nude run at Ouyen, in
north-western Victoria, in March.

Organiser Lyn Healy says the town's men will be taken
to the town's recreation reserve and several hundred
women will then do their best to bring on the rain.

She told The Australian Broadcasting Corporation : "We're
all going to get on these buses, no-one will know where
we're going.

"We're going to head out to a secret location then we all
get off the bus and do our rain dance. (It will be) just
women privately, no cameras.

"Then we (will) get back on the bus and come back in for
a big family day where we have a big barbecue lunch," she
said.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!

I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a non-renewable
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree... "With the
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted
before the 24th century."

There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease
in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the
disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of
vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably
have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and
an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more
difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...

PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4) Avoid showers & take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes

This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] P R I N C E C H A R M I N [||||]

Big Daddy Wedding Singer Adam Sandler's new holitune "Eight Crazy
Nights" is a ham fisted grosser outer with a typical scene featuring an
overturned outhouse from which Adam emerges excrementalized.
(AP/11/27)

Covered head to toe with the same stuff the Norwegian Cruise Line
routinely tosses overboard.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

In order to reduce the amount of confusion that end users might have in
identifying the role of certain files that they have on their hard
drives, Windows 2000 now incorporates "smart" file extensions to aid
end users in support and troubleshooting issues. Please consult this
reference guide before calling Microsoft or any authorized Microsoft
Support Services vendor.

..god - Files developed by microsoft
..crap - 3rd party files
..porn - Adult image files on an umarried males computer
..bible - Adult image files on a married males computer
..easyaccess - Undocumented security flaws in Explorer, Outlook, and IIS
..forsakendreams - Unfinished novels and short stories
..lewinsky - Letters to your mistress
..jackson - Information files on your illegitimate children
..bush - New compression format that give you 1.6 Trillion times more
disk space but may increase the amount of arsenic and CO that your
computer produces
..china - Files that will hold 24 other files hostage if any attempts
are made to reference the operating system.
..greenspan - New products that attempt to prevent overuse of the
computer by dynamically adjusting the amount of memory your computer
has available (adjusted quarterly).

���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A shoplifter who stuffed a frozen chicken drumstick
down his underpants was caught because he couldn't
stop hopping around.

A cashier spotted the 25-year-old man moving around
and repeatedly touching his groin as he queued for
tills at a supermarket in Saronno, Italy.

She called a security officer and the man immediately
admitted he had stuffed some frozen food down the front
of his pants, Il Nuovo website reports.

The man said he had been unable to keep still because
the frozen drumstick was giving him pain. He was handed
over to the police who charged him with theft.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods?

Use a booby trap!

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

[Erik continues to live on in the Humor Columnist Survivor contest at
Progressive Revelations (http://www.progressiverevelations.com)in fact
the out of the final survivors that are still alive...there is only
one of them that I do not know! Go check out the Survivor site and
help to vote someone off the site...but leave Erik alone!]


'Twas the Month Before Christmas

Thanksgiving is over, and in keeping with the Laughing Stalk tradition,
we are reprinting Erik's 'Twas the Month Before Christmas column.
However, we realize that Thanksgiving came a little later than usual
this year. However, this gives Erik a chance to gripe about the fact
that some retail stores had Christmas decorations up before Halloween
was even over. Nothing celebrates "the Reason for the Season" like a
naked display of crass commercialism and corporate greed.

'Twas six weeks before Christmas, and all through the town
Halloween decorations were just coming down.
I went to the mall, for a weekend reprieve
And saw such a sight that I could not believe.

The place had gone crazy, the mall was just packed.
With new clothes and new toys and cheap plastic sacks
The store owners were praying and pulling their hair,
Desperately hoping we'd spend money there.

When in one of the stores there arose such a clatter
I thought to myself "Now what's the matter?"
Away toward the noise the crowd flew like a flash
And knocked an old woman right onto her butt.

The cheesy green lights and the canned Christmas music
Made me realize not a darn thing rhymes with "music"
What I saw next made me scream and turn pale
A red and green sign said "We're having a sale!"

With a perky sales clerk, so cheerful and quick
I knew in a moment I was going to be sick!
She herded us in like sheep to the slaughter,
"Come in and buy things for your sons and your daughters!

We take Visa and Mastercard and Discover!" she chimed.
"American Express, credit cards of all kind!
From the back of the store, all the way to the front
Everything is on sale, there is no need to hunt!"

With the power and fury of an 8 point earthquake
The people were drawn in like a fat guy to cake
And into the store, the crowd they just flew
But what they were after, I hadn't a clue.

And then with a shudder, I heard behind me.
The ear-piercing scream of a child, age three
He gave a shrill shriek that would curl your hair
He yelled at his parents, "Hey let's go in there!"

"I see lots of games and toys," yelled the runt
"Why can't we go in there and get what I want?!"
I looked at the parents, all haggard and worn.
Their faces were bruised, their clothes, they were torn.

Their eyes, how they drooped. Their coats were all muddy.
She was missing her shoes, his nose -- it was bloody.
He clung to his wallet, she clutched at her purse.
They tried not to explode as they held back a curse.

"You've got enough stuff already," the two parents said.
But the child just screamed and cried and turned red.
"What's the matter?" I asked, though I wished I had not.
They said "You can guess at the problem we've got."

"We're shopping for Christmas, for family and friends,
But it seems like this madness goes on without end."
"We've been here since morning, looking for sales.
But we've spent too much money. We feel like we've failed.

Credit cards, debit cards, checkbooks and cash
It's only November, and our budget has crashed."
Then the child came running up, shouting with glee
"Hey, I found something! Please, come with me."

And I heard them exclaim, as they left with a grunt,
"Merry Christmas to you, though it's not 'til next month."

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
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written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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