Re: Demons
Re: Demons I see what youre saying, although I think theres actually two ways my visual problems manifest themselves, and I think this problem is rooted in another issue.Physically, my vision is normal, currently. My mom has a history of severe nearsightedness but she was able to receive surgery for that. I may develop a sudden drop in my vision for this reason, although considering nothing has happened yet it may not occur at all.Mentally, my problems either surface in two ways - either a complete disconnect or discomfort.Discomfort can occur in any sense really, it only requires too much stimuli. Im sensitive to loud noises, certain textures, and foods, for example. This is what youre describing.The complete disconnect seems to only happen visually, and manifests itself in forms like face blindness and other conditions that are caused by errors in mentally decoding visual information.Both of these are likely connected with autism.< /p>In terms of thought processing, I sometimes think visually (usually in regards to visualizing ideas for art or locations) but most processes occur either through a voice saying them or thinking about them through touch in the form of a machine or system. Ive always been this way which is why I need to learn with my hands.My symptoms related to this condition are quite different than what I experience in terms of overstimulation. It usually happens regardless of stimulation level, although Im more prone to worse issues when Im tired, upset or worn out. It doesnt usually have a trigger of sorts, although seeing certain things can trigger these thoughts. Most of the time its more like an intense desire, sense of jealousy, feeling like youve been denied something, which eventually transform into feelings of shame and disgust due to the nature of these feelings. These feelings begin to turn into thoughts about doing certain things or imagining myself in situations but blinded. This can have a sort of feedback loop which causes the feelings to get more and more intense to the point of extreme anxiety. In most serious situations the feeling may physically manifest itself as interpreting high pressure on the eye - although this is not actually happening. Remedies include eye twitching, closing the eyes, applying pressure to the eyes, going into the dark room, acting out the things being thought up, or, in some rare cases I have also damaged my eye to reduce the feeling. In addition, the feelings of incorrectness are very specific and are different in each eye - the left feels more right than the right, but it feels like both are problematic. However, sometimes this and overstimulation intersect and I will try to reduce stimulation by using the same strategies I do here. These symptoms do not appear with any other sense or part of my body.The symptoms als o are cyclical, in that they go up and down in intensity. Earlier this week it was very intense but now its recovered. This was problematic since I would think that because I wasnt having any thoughts (or they were very subtle) that it wasnt real or I was just freaking out or something... then they come back. Again, this may be really severe OCD, or an issue with physical identity, Im not sure yet. It may be possible that the condition is neurological and is derived from my autism, but this also means that theres no real fix for it. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200768#p200768 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I see what youre saying, although I think theres actually two ways my visual problems manifest themselves, and I think this problem is rooted in another issue.Physically, my vision is normal, currently. My mom has a history of severe nearsightedness but she was able to receive surgery for that. I may develop a sudden drop in my vision for this reason, although considering nothing has happened yet it may not occur at all.Mentally, my problems either surface in two ways - either a complete disconnect or discomfort.Discomfort can occur in any sense really, it only requires too much stimuli. Im sensitive to loud noises, certain textures, and foods, for example. This is what youre describing.The complete disconnect seems to only happen visually, and manifests itself in forms like face blindness and other conditions that are caused by errors in mentally decoding visual information.In terms of thought processing, I sometimes thin k visually (usually in regards to visualizing ideas for art or locations) but most processes occur either through a voice saying them or thinking about them through touch in the form of a machine or system. Ive always been this way which is why I need to learn with my hands.My symptoms related to this condition are quite different than what I experience in terms of overstimulation. It usually happens regardless of stimulation level, although Im more prone to worse issues when Im tired, upset or worn out. It doesnt usually have a trigger of sorts, although seeing certain things can trigger these thoughts. Most of the time its more like an intense desire, sense of jealousy, feeling like youve been denied something, which eventually transform into feelings of shame and disgust due to the nature of these feelings. These feelings begin to turn into thoughts about doing certain things or imagining myself in situations but blinded. This can have a sort of feedback loop which causes the feelings to get more and more intense to the point of extreme anxiety. In most serious situations the feeling may physically manifest itself as interpreting high pressure on the eye - although this is not actually happening. Remedies include eye twitching, closing the eyes, applying pressure to the eyes, going into the dark room, acting out the things being thought up, or, in some rare cases I have also damaged my eye to reduce the feeling. In addition, the feelings of incorrectness are very specific and are different in each eye - the left feels more right than the right, but it feels like both are problematic. However, sometimes this and overstimulation intersect and I will try to reduce stimulation by using the same strategies I do here. These symptoms do not appear with any other sense or part of my body.The symptoms also are cyclical, in that they go up and down in intensi ty. Earlier this week it was very intense but now its recovered. This was problematic since I would think that because I wasnt having any thoughts (or they were very subtle) that it wasnt real or I was just freaking out or something... then they come back. Again, this may be really severe OCD, or an issue with physical identity, Im not sure yet. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200768#p200768 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Do you think your emotions about eliminating visual input might have something to do with the way you, as an autistic person, process visual sensory input? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200508#p200508 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ive considered it, and it would be an interesting discovery if studied, but Im not sure 100% of the correlation.I have trouble with some visual processing. For example, I have face blindness, which means I cant remember peoples faces, usually I come up with a coping strategy to work around this. Also Im photosensitive although that may be due to the damage I inflicted on my eye in the past. Overly complex visual stimuli is very uncomfortable. To compensate for a lot of these things, I have to learn through listening and working with my hands - I have tremendous difficulty by learning through watching or just reading; I had a lot of trouble with teachers since most teachers present things mainly visually and sometimes almost completely cut out working with your hands completely. I realized that Im not even really attracted to people sexually based on their appearances, so maybe my brain is wired strangely because of sensory iss ues or something (I thought I was ace for the longest time thanks to that...)Even as a kid I taught myself how to do most things with just my hands and not to watch myself visually since I just learned better that way but I notice that I have trouble accommodating for if I need to use a visual reference, for example most sighted people dont usually have the accidentally shift your hand across the keyboard and type gibberish problem but I do and I know blindies get that shit sometimes too. A large part of it feels physiological though, as in sometimes I physically feel like it shouldnt be there and that it should be removed or disabled. Im not sure what thats about. A few weeks ago it had the physical sensation of high pressure and instability. At its worst state it feels like I have to do that to myself or else I get really self harming. That only happens rarely though.A lot of the feeling is also emotional, it feels lik e an intense pressure to change and achieve a lower level state or something.One of the techniques I learned pretty young to deal with both the visual processing stuff and this thing is to twitch my eyes upward, so that the visual data is scrambled; you cant see properly so it kind of resets the buffer on both accounts.I still think the contacts are the best bet, but I have no idea how to obtain them; Ive thought about buying costume lenses and seeing if I can just blot out the pupils but that might be problematic and Id rather have a professional just provide opaquesYeah Ive spent a lot of time introspecting, lol. I wish I could work with someone else, but Im just really scared, like, if I could work with someone else I could have more of an unbiased opinion on whats going on and they could help me out. Then again you guys are helping with that so yeah. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200564#p200564 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ive considered it, and it would be an interesting discovery if studied, but Im not sure 100% of the correlation.I have trouble with some visual processing. For example, I have face blindness, which means I cant remember peoples faces, usually I come up with a coping strategy to work around this. Also Im photosensitive although that may be due to the damage I inflicted on my eye in the past. Overly complex visual stimuli is very uncomfortable. To compensate for a lot of these things, I have to learn through listening and working with my hands - I have tremendous difficulty by learning through watching or just reading; I had a lot of trouble with teachers since most teachers present things mainly visually and sometimes almost completely cut out working with your hands completely. I realized that Im not even really attracted to people sexually based on their appearances, so maybe my brain is wired strangely because of sensory iss ues or something (I thought I was ace for the longest time thanks to that...)Even as a kid I taught myself how to do most things with just my hands and not to watch myself visually since I just learned better that way but I notice that I have trouble accommodating for if I need to use a visual reference, for example most sighted people dont usually have the accidentally shift your hand across the keyboard and type gibberish problem but I do and I know blindies get that shit sometimes too. A large part of it feels physiological though, as in sometimes I physically feel like it shouldnt be there and that it should be removed or disabled. Im not sure what thats about. A few weeks ago it had the physical sensation of high pressure and instability.A lot of the feeling is also emotional, it feels like an intense pressure to change and achieve a lower level state or something.One of the techniques I learned pretty young to deal with both the visual processing stuff and this thing is to twitch my eyes upward, so that the visual data is scrambled; you cant see properly so it kind of resets the buffer on both accounts.I still think the contacts are the best bet, but I have no idea how to obtain them; Ive thought about buying costume lenses and seeing if I can just blot out the pupils but that might be problematic and Id rather have a professional just provide opaques. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200564#p200564 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Im familiar with face blindness. You are definitely a very non-visual person by default, which is perfectly normal. I happen to be a very visual person by default, and even after 14 years of blindness, I still instictively visualise just about everything. Although most people have a comparable balance between their senses, Its fairly normal for a person to have a strong tendancy to use one sense over the other, both in how they interact with their environment, and how they think. We are two very different examples of that.I would say that theres an intersection between your non-visualness, and your autism. For autistics in general, any complex stimuli can be very uncomfortable, and anxiety-causing. Hense the habbit of covering the ears and moaning/screaming to override auditory and visual stimuli. This also explains why many children prefer having as few clothes as possible: to remove the touch stimuli.In your case, your visual experience seems norm al for an autistic in that you struggle developing heuristics about human faces, you feel uncomfortable looking at complex images, and often the only way to deal with these emotions is to eliminate visual stimuli all together. This is much like those who remove clothing to eliminate touch stimuli, or put their hands over their ears and moan to override auditory stimuli. In this respect, your symtims dont seem abnormal for an autistic person. When your autism is considered in combination with your non-visualness, this would then explain why you only have these symptims for visual stimuli, and not other forms of stimuli.Would you say this is a fair assessment? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200612#p200612 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Perhaps you could re-use some of the Things that you and maybe others have said in this topic. If you cant tell him about it I think writing would Work as well.And as Aprone said its good to hear from you Again, I too was starting to Wonder. I wont say I dont give a shit, I find this quite interesting and am of the believe that people are free to do to themselves what they please, most of the time at least, and if whatever said thing is makes them feel better then Id be all for it. Something that cannot be reversed though requires just all that more attention and thinking through, only thing I can come up right now to compare it with would be assisted suicide, which otherwise is quite different from sight los.I cant see anything wrong with assisted suicide, but most Places that take care of such stuff have you go through multiple interviews/forms to fill out so they know that its what you really want. Thus Id probably sec ond your idea of getting linces since youd still be able take them out should you want to. (On the topic of assisted suicide I can recommend Terry Pratchetts documentary Choosing to Die. You do see a man die in the end though, so that might be a Little hard for some. I found it really interesting though, but then Again I do find death a rather fascinating topic...cause thts how creepy I am. Hehe.)egarding the shame you feel when thinking about trying a cane I get exactly what you mean, at least I think so I can only advice you to try anyway, perhaps read up on the topic first to gain more knowledge. Shame is a horrible feeling, its been with me in one form or another for most of my life, but I believe that you can get it under control through accepting what makes you feel that way and by looking into questions such as why when and how it starte d. The mind is a fascinating thing, and trying to figure out what makes you you can be something of an eyeopener (No pun intended) URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200300#p200300 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons @TMV: Agree. Kind of what I wanted to say in the beginning of my post. I believe it could Work fine for breaking the ice about this subject.I have heard of others WHO didnt feel they could talk to their therapist about a certain topic so they wrote them a letter about it, explaining what they couldnt say. Thats probably the way Id go myself in such a situation. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200313#p200313 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Themadviolinist might be on to something here. I hadnt thought of this, and on the surface its a very interesting idea. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200305#p200305 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
2015-01-08
Thread
AudioGames . net Forum — Off-topic room : themadviolinist via Audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons It occurs to me that you have already explained what you are going through quite articulately here in this forum. It also occurs to me that in the main we have an example of quite a good and non-judgmental discussion that could act as a model for any therapist who is working with you. Sadly, not all therapists are able to hold a stance of compassionate, non-judgmental listening, but all in all weve done pretty well here I think.Perhaps you could direct your therapist here, or copy your posts and our responses into a document that you could email to your therapist, editing if you feel that certain elements of the discussion are out of bounds. I know I would give my permission to have my parts of the conversation used for your benefit if they would help, and I suspect others here would do likewise as I am pretty sure were all rooting for you. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200302#p200302 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ill agree as well, or if you prefer you could always ask your therapist to take a quick look at your blog. One way or another its important your therapist know about this so they can help you fully and I know admitting things face to face can be hellishly difficult, you feel like you want to but your throat mouth and brain just seize up whenever you have an opportunity.Regarding the cane, it depends whether its a roller or a tapper tip. In either case you want the edges of your sweep to be a little wider than the width of your body, with a roller you just roll it from side to side while a tapper you tap one side of the area you wish to sweep then lift and tap the other ignoring the area in between. The important part is to keep your arm still and your wrist loose. If anyone were to catch you its always an option to say youre taking an online VI awareness course or something and youre trying to get the most out of it you can. Remember cane s wont let you find everything so dont feel frustrated if it doesnt work the way you want, they also take a lot of getting used to so be patient.I know Ive often found my magnanimous attitude towards gender has fluctuated depending on my mood, the worse my mood with my depression the closer to purely straight I seem to become. I figure this is me retreating towards the familiar and safe nature of my attraction to women, kind of the opposite effect youre experiencing in a way. I genuinely hope your therapist can help, and if I can do anything at all just ask. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200327#p200327 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Rach Rach, Ive actually been wondering how you were doing. Im glad to get an update. I wish I had some advice that hasnt already been given, but for the moment I dont. Many people would disagree with me, but Ive always been 100% against the use of any mind altering substance. In my opinion, anything that can affect your ability to think logically and rationally should be avoided in almost any situation. Even if it seems to help, I believe the risks it adds are worse than the help it provides. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200286#p200286 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Perhaps you could re-use some of the Things that you and maybe others have said in this topic. If you cant tell him about it I think writing would Work as well.And as Aprone said its good to hear from you Again, I too was starting to Wonder. I wont say I dont give a shit, I find this quite interesting and am of the believe that people are free to do to themselves what they please, most of the time at least, and if whatever said thing is makes them feel better then Id be all for it. Something that cannot be reversed though requires just all that more attention and thinking through, only thing I can come up right now to compare it with would be assisted suicide, which otherwise is quite different from sight los.I cant see anything wrong with assisted suicide, but most Places that take care of such stuff have you go through multiple interviews/forms to fill out so they know that its what you really want. Thus Id probably sec ond your idea of getting linces since youd still be able take them out should you want to. (On the topic of assisted suicide I can recommend Terry Pratchetts documentary Choosing to Die. You do see a man die in the end though, so that might be a Little hard for some. I found it really interesting though, but then Again I do find death a rather fascinating topic...cause thts how creepy I am. Hehe.)egarding the shame you feel when thinking about trying a cane I get exactly what you mean, at least I think so I can only advice you to try anyway, perhaps read up on the topic first to gain more knowledge. Shame is a horrible feeling, but I believe that you can get it under control through accepting what makes you feel that way and by looking into questions such as why when and how it started. The mind is a fascinating thing, and trying to figure out what m akes you you can be something of an eyeopener (No pun intended) URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200300#p200300 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons HI.Ah thats interesting about the hypnotherapy. I think as you said writing would help. Try it next time you go to your therapist. Write down how youre feeling, I also find that easier than speaking sometimes so can see where youre coming from with that. And yes as aprone said, mind altering drugs will not allow you to think logically, yes they may calm you down but in the end its your mind that is affected. Also you dont want to be relying on that for a crutch,that would not be good at all for anyone. I hope you update us on how the therapy goes and weather you did write down how you were feeling. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200291#p200291 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I thought Id bring up an update.Ive gone to a therapist, but I havent been able to break the water with him. The condition has fluctuated up and down. It appears to get worse if Im tired or depressed, or otherwise low tolerance or threshold to pain or irritation. It appears to fluctuate on an unpredictable but semi-consistent schedule. For example, last week was not too bad, but this week has been pretty rocky. I was in a meeting today and I started to have an intense urge again, so I poked my eye with my thumb to try to reduce the feeling. A few weeks ago it got pretty bad, it felt like my eye was a tumor or going to explode. I have had these problems for about 13 or so years and theyve gotten more intense, but they seem to be far more focused in my right eye. Ive found that smoking or ingesting pot seems to make these urges stronger, although harder to act on and usually leads to me closing my eyes and forgetting to open them again (thi s has happened before this incident and usually lasts for the majority of the high). I was screened for eye conditions 2 years ago, and nothing was caught, although I wonder if I should do so again if more physical sensations start to crop up with my right eye.Management I have found somewhat effective is collecting or sorting things (such as trading cards), using symbolic representations to help normalize internal conflict, talking about it to transgender or blind people, maintaining a blog where I try to write at least one post about how I feel that day, practicing echolocation and outright engaging in acts.The most difficult thing to deal with is actually engaging in pretending, which is the only real way to tone down the emotion (or to simply act on it through applying pressure to the eyes, or worse). There is a massive and intense feeling of fear and shame when I engage in these practices. Judging from most of the replies in this thread, I understand that most blind people dont seem to really give a shit either way so thats good, but for some reason sighted people are really touchy about that. Im not sure if its OCD or BIID yet, still. If medication doesnt help then I know Im pretty much boned.An odd thing happened though. One of my blind friends hung out with me and he gave me his broken cane. I repaired it to usability but I have not tried to use it, again due to intense feelings of shame and fear. I know nobody is watching but I still feel like people could find out. I should really learn how to use it though, and not just for this - I got an injury while wearing a costume about 2 months ago which could have been prevented by using a long prop in a similar manner, and I plan to implement this prop once my injury fully heals and I can wear the costume again.I think the best treatment option at this point would be to (somehow) get contact lenses which are completely o paque. This would allow me to put the contact lenses in at almost any time and not have most people notice any form of pretending. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200259#p200259 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I thought Id bring up an update.Ive gone to a therapist, but I havent been able to break the water with him. The condition has fluctuated up and down. It appears to get worse if Im tired or depressed, or otherwise low tolerance or threshold to pain or irritation. It appears to fluctuate on an unpredictable but semi-consistent schedule. For example, last week was not too bad, but this week has been pretty rocky. I was in a meeting today and I started to have an intense urge again, so I poked my eye with my thumb to try to reduce the feeling. A few weeks ago it got pretty bad, it felt like my eye was a tumor or going to explode. I have had these problems for about 13 or so years and theyve gotten more intense, but they seem to be far more focused in my right eye. Ive found that smoking or ingesting pot seems to make these urges stronger, although harder to act on and usually leads to me closing my eyes and forgetting to open them again (thi s has happened before this incident and usually lasts for the majority of the high).Management I have found somewhat effective is collecting or sorting things (such as trading cards), using symbolic representations to help normalize internal conflict, talking about it to transgender or blind people, maintaining a blog where I try to write at least one post about how I feel that day, practicing echolocation and outright engaging in acts.The most difficult thing to deal with is actually engaging in pretending, which is the only real way to tone down the emotion (or to simply act on it through applying pressure to the eyes, or worse). There is a massive and intense feeling of fear and shame when I engage in these practices. Judging from most of the replies in this thread, I understand that most blind people dont seem to really give a shit either way so thats good, but for some reason sighted people are really touchy about that. Im not sure if its OCD or BIID yet, still. If medication doesnt help then I know Im pretty much boned.An odd thing happened though. One of my blind friends hung out with me and he gave me his broken cane. I repaired it to usability but I have not tried to use it, again due to intense feelings of shame and fear. I know nobody is watching but I still feel like people could find out. I should really learn how to use it though, and not just for this - I got an injury while wearing a costume about 2 months ago which could have been prevented by using a long prop in a similar manner, and I plan to implement this prop once my injury fully heals and I can wear the costume again.I think the best treatment option at this point would be to (somehow) get contact lenses which are completely opaque. This would allow me to put the contact lenses in at almost any time and not have most people notice any form of pretending. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200259#p200259 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hypnotherapy has dubious results and Im pretty sure its not officially recognized as a valid therapy technique. Usually hypnotists perform their hypnotism through soothing sounds, so blind people could technically get hypnotized.I actually use the marijuana because it inhibits my fears for indulging in behaviours. However it also does come with the inhibited fear of actually blinding myself as well, so there is that. I make sure I hide stuff so that I wont get into it while doing that.I guess regarding the therapist I just need a way to be able to explain my problem to him. We are currently mainly talking about anxiety and stress, which I though could be used as a progressive platform to move forward, but I find myself turning stone cold whenever I think about bringing it up. I find it much easier to write about it, I wonder if I wrote about it and let him read it if that would help; speaking about it feels too taboo and causes me to get extremely n ervous.Each time that Ive been getting high recently Ive noticed that damn cane. It just sits there in my apartment, I want to hold it and experiment and understand how it works but I keep getting held back from intense fear and shame. I mean, its dumb too because theres no way anyone could ever know that Im doing that. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200277#p200277 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hypnotherapy has dubious results and Im pretty sure its not officially recognized as a valid therapy technique. Usually hypnotists perform their hypnotism through soothing sounds, so blind people could technically get hypnotized.I actually use the marijuana because it inhibits my fears for indulging in behaviours. However it also does come with the inhibited fear of actually blinding myself as well, so there is that. I make sure I hide stuff so that I wont get into it while doing that.Each time that Ive been getting high recently Ive noticed that damn cane. It just sits there in my apartment, I want to hold it and experiment and understand how it works but I keep getting held back from intense fear and shame. I mean, its dumb too because theres no way anyone could ever know that Im doing that. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200277#p200277 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi. Have you thought of hypnotherapy? To get to your subconscious mind and maybe bring out memorys or feelings you are holding back on,to see why exactly you like being blind and practicing being blind. Or do you think that wouldnt help? Its just an idea I had when reading your post. I dont no if it would actually work, Heres an interesting question, do you think blind people can be hypnotized? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=200263#p200263 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons @Turtlepower17I want to assure you that mentalities change from one place to another. This does stand even for blinds. I say again, well, if I met a blind girl, I’d probably hold a relationship, but not for so long, because the reason it’s already known. There are many problems which I have to face with, and my blind partner would have to do the same. The infrastructure here in Albania is very, but very very bad, and I wish you will have not to deal with that in your life. The people sometimes are a bit disrespectful, for example, if you’re crossing the streat on your own, there will be people who get angry and say, “come on, hurry up man!”. Also there are less pedestrians in this country, and there are many chances to get part of an accident. Further more, we do not earn enough money, so we can’t buy so many special items which may help us in our daily life. But over all, my preference is to date a sited girl, because it would help me better than a blind one. I know this might sound a little offensive for some of you, but as you have previously stated in this post, the world is not made/designed for us, and if I married a blind girl, the problems would be twice as they are actually for me.@BradYeah you are right. Some people act like we are really superheroes. I will give you a short story. After I left my primary school, which was designed especially for blinds, I came back to my birth place to a high school. That’s the school of linguistics and I felt I was very good at languages, so I went there. But that’s a problem, this school has nothing to do with blinds, and there are not any teachers who are specialized to give lessons for blinds. I was the only blind person a part from 600 students. I used to use brail on the school for typing and teachers were so patient with me, even I was so slow at typing. But I couldn’t work fast so I decided to buy a laptop to use at school. We were at the English lessons, and I asked the teacher: “ please, can I use a laptop to take my notes down a part from brail?”She said, yes, you know it better than us, so if it’s really better for you, start using it. Why not?Well I turned on my laptop, put on my little headphones, and started to take the notes. 35 faces who were at class got taken aback along with the teacher. They were speechless, and all were watching me and nobody was concentrating on lessons. After the lesson ended, there were more than ten students who came and asked me: how do you use that laptop? I explained all the stuff, but they still didn’t believe me. Well, soon they got used to this, and another point was coming up. I used to learn hard since early years, and now that’s easier to lern and study different lessons. In my class, there were so many students who were seriously very bad at all, they didn’t learn, they didn’t come to school. So the teachers used to yell at them, telling them why don’t they learn, it’s something that will help them in their lives, and I was pointed as a great example of those students who learn. They often used to say, “why don’t you look at Afrim, he’s blind, and he studies harder and is better than you at all.” Then I really had to explain them that we are normal people, like you, who learn, and do all sorts of things, and that is all, we do not have any special quality.Thanks for reading this long post because the second page in Microsoft word started to get stuffed. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196574#p196574 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I guess its even difficult in your country (UK). Am I wrong? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196463#p196463 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons That depends on your definition of bad. Its not as bad as it seems to be in your country of course, we arent so much looked down on but we do get patronised a lot and any suggestions we make often go ignored. Its sometimes almost as if were being told how wonderful we are for being able to physically climb out of bed in the morning without sight, I had to deal with someone from a local blind society yesterday who was this type and thought it was so spectacular that I could not only use an iPhone but also be able to tell her immediately how to turn on the flashlight on her own iPhone which shed done before by accident and didnt know how to get it back on. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196482#p196482 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi Afrim,Im sorry that you feel that way. I can only offer my sympathy, as I dont understand what its like to be looked down on to the extent that you describe.Or perhaps youre saying that its not economically possible for two blind people to have a successful relationship? In which case, thats also a sad state of affairs.Just one question, though. What would you do if you met someone who was blind, and you fell in love with her? Would you throw away an otherwise good opportunity for a relationship, or would you try to do your best to make it work?I dont mean this at all maliciously, although I realize that my tone probably comes off as challenging. But Im genuinely curious about what you would do in that situation.Im always interested in learning about different cultures, and, in particular, how they view blindness, so, in a roundabout way, I guess thats why Im asking. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196559#p196559 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi Afrim.Sometimes it is hard. Honestly? I stay in doors quite a bit so couldnt really tell you how hard it is. What I can tel you is some people are stupid. Yes they might not have seen a blind person before, but still, thats no reason to act as if were super heroes, were just people, who come into contact with trees, lampposts and shop windows more than others. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196567#p196567 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Take it from me, trying to pin down your self identity can be hell. In the end I had to force myself to give up trying and just be me but its a very stressful experience, doubly so when theres the fear in the back of your mind about how people and society will react to you. The problem with bisexuality is not only do you get all the same problems as someone whos gay but you also have to deal with people who think bisexuality is a myth and youre either just being greedy or are too afraid to come out as gay, as well as gay people who believe youre diluting their effort for rights to their detriment. In short you face discrimination from both homophobes, some straight people who are accepting of gay people, and some gay people themselves.I dont know what its like to be unable to be the person you feel you need to be and I dont pretend to but I hope you find some kind of peace, with luck sooner than later and letting you retain yo ur vision. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196372#p196372 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Yo Brad,Its hard for a blind couple to cope with all sorts of activities, isnt it?I mean, the personality is highly important, but the world isnt especially designed for us. Only some environments like any school or playing field for blinds is suitable for us, and only my primary school where were only blinds, was the place where I felt really independent. But school is not the only ambient we have to deal with. I like to go around for hours, set appointments when I need, not when the others are free. Well, I do these things somewhat these days, because my brother, father or mother help me. But, years later my brother wont be available to help me anymore cause hell set up his own family, and probably Ill do the same. But I wouldnt marry a blind woman because its hard for two blinds to live together in a poor country, like mine. So imagine yourself in a country where you do not feel safe even when you are half a mile away from your home. What about two blinds going in a crowded area? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196388#p196388 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi afrim.Ah that I can understand. yes blind people in poorer countries are treated really badly. My friend Amin told me about how other blind people were treated in Malaysia. It wasnt nice. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196401#p196401 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.＠@afrim I think youre wrong on this point.Its not the blindness that makes the person, its the personality. Let me tell you something. I tried dating a blind woman once, no it didnt work out, but it wasnt cause of her blindness it was just that I wasnt ready for a relationship. I still feel Im not ready. But I dont think all blind people have problems. I wouldnt go out with the ones ive come in contact with personally but thats cause they were in my school and I wasnt thinking of that kind of thing in school. And they were in college but I was way to nervous in college.@RachRachI hope youre okay. I was thinking about you and this thread yesterday and thought of all the things Id wish to do if I could see.Heres just a little list.1. Play real video games. Sure Audiogames are great, but they dont come anywhere near as close to a real video game, and Im not just talking about the console kind either. Theres games where you have to interact with things on screen, like boxing. Theres xbox live where you can talk to others and play against them, theres wii where you can shoot and do other things in a game which controllers just dont allow you to do. So Id really like to pick up a controller and play a horror game and be scared shitless for once in my life. (scared shitless = crap my pants? shit myself. Get scared a lot? yeah lets go with that one.) All toilet based humor aside, cause who doesnt like toilet humor, that would be my top wish if I could get my site back.2. Looking at someone or something. Id really like to look at a thing and describe it in so much detail that even I, who likes something described down to its smallest part, would get annoyed with the Brad who had site.3. Id love to not be looked at as if I cant do anything, or when i do they act as if Im amazing. Now we all know Brad is awesome, but even I get annoyed some days when Im reminded how awesome it is that I crossed a road, or went into a shop or something as silly as that.Okay my hands are hurting from all this typing. Time for me to rest.I hope you see that being blind isnt all that cool. Oh Im not saying its the worst thing in the world, its not, but those are just a few of the things Id like to do if I could see. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196320#p196320 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I know what you mean Brad. As a former mainstream gamer, having to give it up something like 13 years ago now, I swear if by some miracle I ever got my sight back Id buy the biggest damn monitor, maybe even one of those home cinema projectors, with the hottest gaming rig I could put together and play as many of the games Ive missed out on as I can.That said if I could see just one thing itd be my guide dog, Im always being told how adorable he is and I love him to bits but Id love to see his doggie smile and the way he clowns around.For those of you with working eyeballs you should be able to find a pic of him somewhere on here. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196322#p196322 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Perhaps Im just misunderstood here but I never felt like being blind was a walk in the park or some exciting experience. The truth is that my feelings are there but they arent based in any sort of logical reasoning. The reality is that these feelings persist through everything that I do, and an immense conflict from ability and the driving passion to injure my eyes is intense. Whats strange is that its not like I feel like Im being controlled by this force. A strong urge to change myself persists. But at the same time Im aware of the logical consequences of such actions, so please do not feel that Im taking what I have for granted. Like Ive stated before, if I could give what I have I would. It makes me wonder though... If people didnt treat blind people differently and they had all the tools to be Able to accomplish independence... Then what is the difference in value from the blind experience to that of the sighted on e? I guess thats what pushes me to educate others to try to improve conditions. I believe many barriers are those generated by overlooking the talent and ability of many individuals of whom others cannot empathize with their experience. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196348#p196348 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Perhaps Im just misunderstood here but I never felt like being blind was a walk in the park or some exciting experience. The truth is that my feelings are there but they arent based in any sort of logical reasoning. The reality is that these feelings persist through everything that I do, and an immense conflict from ability and the driving passion to injure my eyes is intense. Whats strange is that its not like I feel like Im being controlled by this force. A strong urge to change myself persists. But at the same time Im aware of the logical consequences of such actions, so please do not feel that Im taking what I have for granted. Like Ive stated before, if I could give what I have I would. It makes me wonder though... If people didnt treat blind people differently and they had all the tools to be Able to accomplish independence... Then what is the difference in value from the blind experience to that of the sighted on e? Yes, blind people cant see, but they also see the world differently. Thats how I always viewed people born blind amyways. I guess thats what pushes me to educate others to try to improve conditions. I believe many barriers are those generated by overlooking the talent and ability of many individuals of whom others cannot empathize with their experience.Its scary for you to change into something you dont feel like you are. Maybe thats what goes through most peoples minds. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196348#p196348 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Perhaps Im just misunderstood here but I never felt like being blind was a walk in the park or some exciting experience. The truth is that my feelings are there but they arent based in any sort of logical reasoning. The reality is that these feelings persist through everything that I do, and an immense conflict from ability and the driving passion to injure my eyes is intense. Whats strange is that its not like I feel like Im being controlled by this force. A strong urge to change myself persists. I want to be blind, but not because its cool or different but because I feel that was what I was supposed to be. Feelings are strange creatures though. But at the same time Im aware of the logical consequences of such actions, so please do not feel that Im taking what I have for granted. Like Ive stated before, if I could give what I have I would. It makes me wonder though... If people didnt treat blind people differently and they had all the tools to be Able to accomplish independence... Then what is the difference in value from the blind experience to that of the sighted one? Yes, blind people cant see, but they also see the world differently. Thats how I always viewed people born blind amyways. I guess thats what pushes me to educate others to try to improve conditions. I believe many barriers are those generated by overlooking the talent and ability of many individuals of whom others cannot empathize with their experience.Its scary for you to change into something you dont feel like you are. Maybe thats what goes through most peoples minds. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196348#p196348 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Its scary for you to change into something you dont feel like you are.So very much. Blindness aside, even. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=196354#p196354 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi turtlepower17,Most antivirus boot cds run within linux, which iliminates the possibility of a talking install. Also, reformating and reinstalling the operating system completely defeats the purpose of my malware business. Anyone can reinstall windows. My goal was to remove all malicious software and get the pc back into a usable state. This is not always possible of course, however, it usually is. Not being able to run combofix is a major setback too. Combofix would be my major offensive tool against malware. If I cannot run combofix my last resort would be a bootable antivirus cd. Another reason scanning the hdd externally is a bad idea is most rootkits patch the windows kernal. Deleting any of the patched files will result in the pc becoming unbootable. In this sinario there are two solutions. 1. find a clean copy of the patched file and replace the clean copy with the patched copy. 2. run combofix (combo fix will clean the patched file) URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195971#p195971 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi turtlepower17,Most antivirus boot cds run within linux, which iliminates the possibility of a talking install. Also, reformating and reinstalling the operating system completely defeats the purpose of my malware business. Anyone can reinstall windows. My goal was to remove all malicious software and get the pc back into a usable state. This is not always possible of course, however, it usually is. Not being able to run combofix is a major setback too. Combofix would be my major offensive tool against malware. If I cannot run combofix my last resort would be a bootable antivirus cd. Another reason scanning the hdd externally is a bad idea is most rootkits patch the windows kernal. Deleting any of the patched files will result in the pc becoming unbootable. In this sinario there are two solutions. 1. find a clean copy of the patched file and replace the clean copy with the patched copy. 2. run combofix (combofix will clean the patched file)due to the problems I will face in this field, I cannot do this job without someone reading the screen In severely infected pcs.maybe in the future, ıf I have the opertunity to see, I might think about this job, but for now, I can only clean malware off friends and family members pcsor people who are willing to read the screen URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195971#p195971 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
2014-11-29
Thread
AudioGames . net Forum — Off-topic room : themadviolinist via Audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons Um relationships with sighted people are just as healthy or unhealthy as you make them. Sorry, Im happily married to a sighted woman who never thought of me as less, who drove 150 miles round trip to see me when first we were dating, and with whom I have worked out a very fair and equal distribution of labor based on the things we are good at and enjoy doing. With respect, if you dont think this is possible, you either havent met the right sighted person, or need to do some work on your own sense of self-worth. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195992#p195992 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi Enes,I see what youre saying, and yes, that could present some challenges.Brad is right, though. Something like Winstaller, or, more specifically, Core Recovery, might be able to do these things. There are a couple of drawbacks, of course. One is the high cost, Ive heard that the Winstaller program recently received a drastic price increase, so thats not cool. The second is, and maybe this wouldnt be an issue in other countries, but here, an employer would probably not be at all happy if you used your own software solutions. There are usually strict guidelines on what software you can and cannot use or install in a work environment.Thats one reason why blind people have such a hard time finding employment, because companies are usually skittish about providing adaptive software, not only because of the potential cost, but because its not in the preapproved list, so to speak.CX2 brings up a good point too, though. Even if you couldnt run Combofix the way you wanted to, if youre able to use a sata/ide enclosure, and back up at least some of the uninfected data, you could very easily wipe the drive. That should get rid of most malware.Now I want to address something that was said a few posts back about two blind people marrying having disastrous results. That sounds incredibly closed-minded to me.Personally, I think it would be exhausting to date, let alone marry, a sighted person. I realize that Im generalizing here, but most sighted people believe that theyre going to have to be a blind persons caretaker upon meeting us. I think that, as a result, some blind/sighted relationships are codependent, or unhealthy in other ways. Not all, mind you, but some. Besides, when Im getting to know someone who is potential relationship material, I tend to focus on common interests, tastes in music, movies, and that kind of thing, and just generally exploring a pe rsons character and personality. Almost all of my relationships have started out as friendships, in other words. Im not saying that its impossible, but it would be more difficult to build up this level of emotional intimacy with a sighted person initially, because you would be busy explaining how you do things as a blind person, and, if youre going to date them, chipping away at those misconceptions that they may hold.At least, I would. I dont think I could take it if I hooked up with someone, got emotionally invested, and, a year later, the person still believes that blind people are inherently less than sighted people.Im not saying that I would never, ever date a sighted person, or that theyre all evil. Nor am I saying that your point is completely without merit. It is nice to have a sighted person who knows you well to drive you places that a bus cant take you, for example, or in an emergency. But, to me, that feels patr onizing towards the sighted person, as if we expect them to chaperone us. Which brings me back to the unbalanced power dynamics that can be present in blind/sighted relationships.Those are just my opinions, so take them however you like. Im quite sure that most people dont agree with me, and think Im crazy, but thats nothing new, lol. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195928#p195928 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons This was a very interesting topic to read. Rachel, I definitely dont understand what youre going through having been born blind myself. As others have said, dont make a permenant decision you may one day regret. This world is mostly designed for the sighted and you would have a harder time doing everything you take for granted today. Im fortunate in that I live in a place where accessibility is a high societal priority but even then, I have to constantly change routes, schedules, etc to stay as productive as I can be. For example, avoid certain parts of the city after a heavy snowfall because I know they dont clear sidewalks and dont want to spend undue amounts of time lost in sub zero temperatures. The sighted do have weaknesses or areas of difficulty, but a blind person has it so much worse. For once in my life Id like to be able to independently shop for groceries, go to a mall, find a suite in an office building without ope ning half a dozen doors, see into someone elses soul through eye contact, be (initially) attracted to a woman based on looks alone, see and react to anothers body language, fully understand a TV show without DVS, etc. I have never struggled with mental conundrums such as those mentioned in this topic, and I hope I dont come off as insensitive, but robbing yourself of the ability to fully experience this world we live in cant be the answer. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195659#p195659 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Enes: Did you consider using an IDE or SATA to USB adapter and running the fix on the infected drive via a separate computer? That would prevent the malware from loading itself into the system since youre not booting from that drive, or even that computer. Sure its more complicated but it might be an option.I was also reading up on Window Eyes with regard to some volunteering Im doing and I noticed it claimed it supports safe mode, however how much success youd have with this Im not sure, not least since safe mode sometimes in the past has cut out the audio drivers. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195664#p195664 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi cx2,removing malware isnt just deleting the malicious filesits also repairing registry and OS damage caused by the infection. I would still have to run a boot cd for malware for this reason. Aditionally, removing the drive from the pc would be a hassle each time. Also, its not that easy to remove one from a laptop. Furthermore, I would still have to run combofix on the infected pc to reset the start page, windows settings etc. Running it on another pc to scan the atached drive wont clear the registry remains URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195678#p195678 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ugh, Ive heard back in the day they had tools that would read the BIOS. There is the possibility of using a reading device like Google Goggles, which seems to do a pretty decent job of reading text, but screens do this funky effect that may make it more difficult to do so. And of course this requires a functioning screen, which if you have a desktop isnt too bad but if its a laptop youre pretty much boned. I wish I could figure out a way to just take the text strings displayed and have them output by an external device. welpIts pretty irksome that screen reading functionality isnt available in Safe Mode itself. To me thats absolutely inexcusable. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195690#p195690 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.It could be available in windows 10. With narator. Well I hope so. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195707#p195707 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Rachel, you dont need to justify your feelings, not even to yourself much less us. They probably cant be justified in the rational sense anyway so trying will just cause you more stress. You want what you want and thats an end to it. Its how you manage this want that matters, not why it exists. Growing up as a teenager once or twice I considered whether I was gay and decided no I wasnt, and I believed myself to be stronger for having considered it but never did I consider I might be bi until I met a good friend for the first time in a mud. I spent a long time trying to decide if it was just sexual frustration at my lack of a partner driving this, I considered how strong it may be compared to my attraction to women and whether I was truly bi if I was more attracted to women than men. In the end I was forced to give up, after much struggle, and stop trying to label myself. I still have doubts about how much attraction I have to men, strangely while my d epression is stronger I revert to feeling virtually straight which I suspect to be taking refuge in the familiar while when Im feeling more bouyant in mood I almost feel like I could walk into a gay club and see if I could meet someone there just as easily as with a woman. Moral of the story, try to let yourself be yourself regardless of society. Im not suggesting you start using a cane in public or anything like that but really try not to feel any kind of guilt or shame at temporarily blinding yourself around the house.I agree with the comments about finding it difficult to find MOTAS though. One issue is as was already mentioned we cant introduce ourselves, since society traditionally has men approaching women that puts blind men at a slight disadvantage right off the bat. Not to mention all the nonsense about watching people from across the room and trying to get them to notice you, we just cant play those games. We just dont know a girl or wh oever is there unless they make themselves known to us and humans naturally avoid approaching a stranger cold without reason. In theory I suppose guide dogs can help with this but everyone seems more interested in the dog than in me, and Ive got this nagging concern in the back of my mind that someone might feel jealous of the bond I have with the dog seeing them as some kind of competition. Not sexual competition I hasten to add. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195548#p195548 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.CX2 I really like your posts and find them very interesting to read.Youre right that labeling yourself can only mess you up in the end. I thought i might have been gay in school too, turns out that was just a faze But I never labled my self as that thing or this thing, I think people need to learn to accept themselves as hard as it might be.For example. I like women who have chubby tummies, why? cause I like hugs and being close. Well whats wrong with that? Nothing now, but back then i thought it was strange. I mean everyone else liked skinny women and that can apply to anything. You might like a certain thing a certain way and others might think youre strange. But you need to realize you are you and if you try to please others, 99% of the time youre going to be acting, so ask yourself, is it really worth it? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195567#p195567 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Id say that Brad is right.You may have many people on your class or at your work, but they seem only to help you, and not all of them, or less can be your real friends. I call a friend, someone who comes and stays with me for hours and we have a lot of conversation and we are open-minded to each other. So, I dont call a firnd someone who just helps you go to your desk or move from one place to another. Id do it for everyone. Also, Id highly recommend you all to get or to marry with a sited woman. I believe, and it may be 100% true, that two blinds find it hard to move, or spend their life together, not only in a poor country like Turky, Iran, Afghanistan or Albania, but everywhere. you will always be stuck at your house with less opportunities to go away. Im too young to get married. I turned to 19 last month, but Id never marry with a blind girl. My life would had been destroyed forever. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195571#p195571 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Judging yourself for something you have no control over or cant change is never a good idea. Some of the Things I enjoy would by most people be considered weird or probably even creepy, and it took me years to accept that part of myself...Heck, Im not really fully accepting it yet I guess, but Im pretty close We are all different and all have their own Little thing thats special about them. There is no need to feel shame or guilt about it if it doesnt harm other people.Although I wouldnt recommend you taking your own sight away permanently I find the suggestion of wearing a blindfold/similar stuff to be a fairly well solution, though it doesnt seem to be exactly what you want. I dont have a problem with this at all, in my opinion people are free to do what they want to as long as they arent harming others.I can 39;t say Ive heard about anything like this before though... Well thats not entirely true, since a guy I know feels sort of the same way, just about his arms/legs... I guess the more common form of BIID, although I will admit its not a topic I know much about.I hope you will manage to find a solution that will satisfy you Best regards and all sorts of respect, for you deserve that for certain! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195594#p195594 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Judging yourself for something you have no control over or cant change is never a good idea. Some of the Things I enjoy would by most people be considered weird, and its taken me years to accept those parts of me...Heck, Im not really fully accepting it yet I guess, but Im pretty close We are all different and all have their own Little thing thats special about them. There is no need to feel shame or guilt about it if it doesnt harm other people.Although I wouldnt recommend you taking your own sight away permanently I find the suggestion of wearing a blindfold/similar stuff to be a fairly well solution, though it doesnt seem to be exactly what you want. I dont have a problem with this at all, in my opinion people are free to do what they want to as long as they arent harming others.I cant say Ive heard about anything like this before though... Well thats not entirely true, since a guy I know feels sort of the same way, just about his arms/legs... I guess the more common form of BIID, although I will admit its not a topic I know much about.I hope you will manage to find a solution that will satisfy you Best regards and all sorts of respect, for you deserve that for certain! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195594#p195594 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Judging yourself for something you have no control over or cant change is never a good idea. Some of the Things I enjoy would by most people be considered weird, and its taken me years to accept those parts of myself...Heck, Im not really fully accepting them yet I guess, but Im pretty close We are all different and all have their own Little thing thats special about them. There is no need to feel shame or guilt about it if it doesnt harm other people.Although I wouldnt recommend you taking your own sight away permanently I find the suggestion of wearing a blindfold/similar stuff to be a fairly well solution, though it doesnt seem to be exactly what you want. I dont have a problem with this at all, in my opinion people are free to do what they want to as long as they arent harming others.I cant say I
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi turtlepower17,it is true that some things do not require safe mode. However I wanted to go into the pc malware cleaning business, which requires constantly booting into safe mode, using boot Cds e.g sardu, UBCD4win. Whenever possible, malware cleaning should be done in safe mode, or when possible from a boot cd. This is to deactivate the active malware and prevent it from damaging the removal tool. For example, combofix is an extremely powerful malware tool. When run, it will effectively nuke at least 70-80% of malware. However on heavily infected pcs (with hundreds or thousands of pieces of malware), the best option is to boot directly to a boot cd and scan with it. And this requires sight or constant help from sighted people. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195603#p195603 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.I dont know much about this but isnt there a talking windows installation that helps you boot into safe mode? URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195633#p195633 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Yo,I had a weird story last two years.Here there are three kinds of schools which we have to get a diploma or certificate or whatever you wanna call it. The primary school, the high school or college and university. Only primary school offers special items or lessons for blinds, then in the high school, we have to study like all the other studentts who may be blind, sited or whatever. The same goes for university. So three years ago I finished my primary school and went to the school of linguistics which is almost the same as a high school, but you have to study two languages, like English and Italian or german, +one which is third. I got a young English teacher about 28 or 30, giving me lessons everyday. And one day she called me: Afrim. - yeah? - may I ask you a question? - sure!If one day, a person asked you “how do you describe me”? How do you say, or how do you describe somebody. For example your professors or teachers.I seriously got stunned because it was a question I had never thought about, and it sounded really strange to me, as I said in my mind, “what is she talking about?”As I have no way of describing one person, I answered: “I really have no idea”, and the conversation ended.The description consist of the beauty of the face, his/her attractiveness and other stuff.However last year she insisted again on asking me that question.She wanted to get a full answer now.And I answered again, but this time more extensively.She said: how do you describe me?I told her that there is no way of describing one person since you don’t know what the colors are, and what does each color stand for. For example, I don’t know if a blond girl is more beautiful than a brunette one. But a mischievous girl said: Afrim, I assure you that she is very pretty.I had heard this phrase from my best friend frequently saying: “ man, she got a pretty face with long hair, which make her perfect-looking. She fits perfectly to you. If one day you could fuck her, you would feel on top of the world.LOL but I couldn’t say this in front of her but these opinions stood only in my mind and I hardly wanted to laugh because of what I was told from my friends.This time the ring rang, and the lesson ended along with the conversation.However this was a question I had never come across with, and sometimes it comes to mind as an interesting one. I really ask myself sometimes, how does she look like. “not only for that young teacher but for all in general”So far there is no answer, unfortunately! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195415#p195415 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons You know, this is just my opinion, but I dont really think theres anything wrong with being a girl or a boy. This is why Ive always supported transgender individuals (outside of my own struggles with identity) because I mean fundamentally theres nothing wrong with being a boy or a girl and theres nothing wrong with wanting to be a boy or a girl either. I always just wrote it off to the curiosity that Im sure that we all feel about a different way of life, but set to a ridiculous extreme. Thats kind of what I go through too.At least you could write an argument fairly easily to why wanting to become blind has negative consequences. If gender changing was something that was a completely flawless and instantaneous process I think there would be absolutely no reason why there should be anything wrong with it. I know a lot of people get this idea of the fact that youre not being who you are but its weird, because t hose people are looking at who you are on the outside. And I think we all agree that fundamentally, whether its being transgender, BIID or whatever that we can change who we are on the outside but who we are on the inside is always something that will be with us.Its like people who are blinded in accidents or lost their vision because of something like random retinal detatchment or something. Those people arent any different after their change. So why is it that people think that after someone willingly changes themselves that somehow theyre erasing who they are? Its always something thats been kind of a mystery to me. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195416#p195416 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons You know, this is just my opinion, but I dont really think theres anything wrong with being a girl or a boy. This is why Ive always supported transgender individuals (outside of my own struggles with identity) because I mean fundamentally theres nothing wrong with being a boy or a girl and theres nothing wrong with wanting to be a boy or a girl either. I always just wrote it off to the curiosity that Im sure that we all feel about a different way of life, but set to a ridiculous extreme. Thats kind of what I go through too and I can talk about my problems involving identity to many of them because we fundamentally share a lot of the same feelings. But instead of wanting to mutilate their genitalia I want to mutilate my eyes.At least you could write an argument fairly easily to why wanting to become blind has negative consequences. If gender changing was something that was a completely flawless and instantaneous process I think there would be absolutely no reason why there should be anything wrong with it. I know a lot of people get this idea of the fact that youre not being who you are but its weird, because those people are looking at who you are on the outside. And I think we all agree that fundamentally, whether its being transgender, BIID or whatever that we can change who we are on the outside but who we are on the inside is always something that will be with us.Its like people who are blinded in accidents or lost their vision because of something like random retinal detatchment or something. Those people arent any different after their change. So why is it that people think that after someone willingly changes themselves that somehow theyre erasing who they are? Its always something thats been kind of a mystery to me. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195416#p195416 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons You know, this is just my opinion, but I dont really think theres anything wrong with being a girl or a boy. This is why Ive always supported transgender individuals (outside of my own struggles with identity) because I mean fundamentally theres nothing wrong with being a boy or a girl and theres nothing wrong with wanting to be a boy or a girl either. I always just wrote it off to the curiosity that Im sure that we all feel about a different way of life, but set to a ridiculous extreme. Thats kind of what I go through too and I can talk about my problems involving identity to many of them because we fundamentally share a lot of the same feelings. But instead of wanting to mutilate their genitalia I want to mutilate my eyes.At least you could write an argument fairly easily to why wanting to become blind has negative consequences. If gender changing was something that was a completely flawless and instantaneous process I think there would be absolutely no reason why there should be anything wrong with it - like 90% of the problem that transgender individuals face is the physical problems with hormone therapy and surgery, and the stigma they get from it. I know a lot of people get this idea of the fact that youre not being who you are but its weird, because those people are looking at who you are on the outside. And I think we all agree that fundamentally, whether its being transgender, BIID or whatever that we can change who we are on the outside but who we are on the inside is always something that will be with us.Its like people who are blinded in accidents or lost their vision because of something like random retinal detatchment or something. Those people arent any different after their change. So why is it that people think that after someone willingly changes themselves that somehow theyre erasing who they are? Its always something thats b een kind of a mystery to me. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195416#p195416 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi,my views on blindness: contrary to what most blind people and blindness organizations claim, blindness is a disability. It is not a minor inconvenience. It is not like hight, eye color or hair color. It is a serious disability. More serious than deafness in my opinion. Though there are more serious disability types such as deaf blindness and mental impairment. I do not view blindness as a part of me, or part of my personality. Blindness does not define me. I view it only as a physical disability and a medical condition. Blindness determines what you can and cannot do. For instance, I am currently studying english language teaching in one of Turkeys best universities (middle east technical university). My blindness caused me to make this job choice. Teaching is the best job in turkey a blind person can do. If I had been sighted I would have gone for medicine or genetics. But my blindness prevents me from doing these job s. At one time I also contemplated being a computer tech. Cleaning off infected pcs etc. However since I would need help in safe mode and while using antimalware boot CDs, I again abandoned one of my dreams. Personally I would give anything to have sight, both because of the reasons above, and the possibility of developing a hearing impairment in my medical condition. So my recommendation to you rach rach, is Not to self-blind yourself. It might seem apealing to you at first, but you will deeply regret it if you do this. The world is built for sighted people. Blindness brings with it mobility and travel issues, in adition to accessibility issues. It also brings with it socialisation issues. Most girls dont want to date a blind guy. Also people can avoid you because of your blindness.anyway, sorry for the long post URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195437#p195437 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I read this topic earlier and it keeps coming back to me, so I feel like I aught to, in the spirit of things, offer what advice/thoughts I can.Please take this in the spirit its written; I intend no insult/disrespect to anyone.Rach Rach, you spoke a lot of having a logical side and an emotional side in conflict, and thats what Id like to try to answer to, if I can.At least for me, theres often times no answer for logic to give; we are, for better or worse, creatures of emotion. Thats just the way things are, and it gives emotion a hideous edge over anything else. Its incredibly easy to fixate on something, to let emotion dominate everything. It doesnt have to be triggered by something obvious; thoughts can just creep up out of nowhere and leave us incapable of considering anything else.Personally, I realized a while ago that logic wouldnt cut it for me, and that if I wanted to succeed with my goals, that I needed to have something to fall back on when logic (often) failed to make any headway. My solution was this:Firstly, I decided which way I wanted things to go. For some folks this might take the form of balancing a checkbook style analysis, but Im certain others would have other ways of making the decision. The important part is that, at the end of the process, youve got the direction youd prefer to travel firmly in mind. You understand the costs and the gains, and why you chose the way you did.Next, I took that direction, and said that it was the direction I was going to take, period end of story. Take an oath, write it down, do whatever makes sense, as long as you do something thats meaningful to you, sealing the decision in stone. Make your choice immutable, unchangeable, as factual as 2+2=4, as rooted in the world as gravity or the passage of time.Now, whenever something challenges the direction youve chosen, simply remember that you chose befor e, and that choice hasnt changed. Dont fight for a logical reason, dont fight because you think whatever youre fighting is wrong or strange. Fight simply because the fight is what you chose; make the act of fighting for what you decided the reason to keep going. Whenever youre tempted by something, remind yourself that you made a choice, and that you made that choice for a reason. Id like to say more, to try to offer something else, but I think much of what I could has already been said, in ways far better than I could manage. Thus, Ill leave with this:Im amazed at the level of personal strength it took to come and make these posts, to stand up in front of thousands of people and show your challenges to the world. It takes a lot of fortitude to do that, especially considering that theres no way to predict how your messages would be taken. I hope that, in some way, I can contribute to the tales told here, even if its just in some little fashion.I wish you the best of luck, whichever path you choose. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195449#p195449 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Well said John. I completely agree. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195457#p195457 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons @enesId say that youre right. Its almost the same for me in Albania, because we have almost the same culture and customs. I dont know why hes willing to take away his vision, I really dream to have it one day. But if I dont have it, its not a problem to be considered, I used to live like all blinds in the world.I dont know the mentality or opinions of people in America or anywhere else, but here a blind person has to suffer a lot to make a good life. The blinds are welcomed and people help them much here, for example crossing the streat or moving around a place, but when asking a girl weather shed choose to spend her life with a blind, you will get them confused. They do really appreciate how we learn, study and sometimes are envious about our intelectuall knowledges. But asking the question above you may get a negative answer.So try to save and protect your vision, cause itll be late one day. if it was better being blind, more people would do it for sure. So, please, for your sake, try to change your opinions, and live your life naturally, how you were born. Having found a great environment among other blind people doesnt mean to become like them.sorry if this sounds a little offensive to anybody, but I consider very problematic what youre willing to do.Again,Sorry and have a good time! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195499#p195499 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi,I agree with afrim.blindness causes social isolation. People will iether think your not knowledgeable about any subject or multiplely disabled. They will avoid you as a consequence. Some things that are trivial for sighted people are tough for me. For example, walking from place to place. Here most areas 99.9% of everywhere is primarily built for ssighted people. road surfaces might be broken, there might be no curb to indicate the road etc. getting around in vast open spaces is chalenging for a totally blind person. You have no sense of orientation. Blind people cant just walk and forget. Blind people need to memorize roots in extreme detail in order not to get lost. Even if you do memorize roots, this does not garantee that you wont get lost. If you do get lost, finding your way back without sighted help can be extremely chalenging. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195501#p195501 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi Enes,Interesting points youve brought up.Here in America, technical jobs are considered the standbys for blind people. In other words, its becoming almost stereotypical for blind people to work with computers in some capacity. Whether thats working in some kind of call center, or programming, or running your own business where you build and sell computers.I see that youre from Turkey. Ill be honest and say I know very little about the culture there, or what blind people are expected to do. But, although it makes me feel a bit ill inside, I, too, have given into the pressure to go into the IT field. Now, dont get me wrong, I find computers fascinating, and, given my propensity to want to solve problems anyway, it makes sense that I would choose this field. But I do feel as though Im selling myself short, in a way.Booting into safe mode is just the tip of the iceberg, really. Unless were talking about a job w here you would, for some reason, have to do this constantly, I doubt that would seriously hinder your ability to do the job. From what Ive gathered recently, from the class Im taking, most of it is preventive. You know, making sure that peoples computers stay virus free, monitoring network usage, cleaning the computers, both internally and externally, etc. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195512#p195512 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
2014-11-23
Thread
AudioGames . net Forum — Off-topic room : themadviolinist via Audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons Rachel, I dont have anything useful to contribute to how you handle your struggle. I frankly dont understand what youre going through, which isnt the criticism it may sound like, its simply and literally the case that I do not have such impulses that I feel are beyond my eventual control. I will not presume to judge you, something Im working hard on cultivating.I did want to take a moment to say that I am incredibly impressed with the brave, vulnerable, kind and thoughtful responses this topic has brought forth. This conversation could have gone so very wrong. That it hasnt is a statement about the culture we have here which is surely not perfect, but there is a reason for pride and solace here, since on a lot of fora, this would have become a slag Rachel fest, with untold harm being done. Good job everybody. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195515#p195515 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Im not quite sure what your going through. I dont mean to sound rude, and if I do, I sincerely appologize. On the other hand, reading how you felt about us blind people made me feel very good. Im not saying that in life I dont have anyone that is accepting of me or nice to me, but there are some who think blind people are totally incapable of everything. I recall someone who firmly believed that the blind could not play video games. Im quite happy being blind. I have many friends, Im an up and coming drummer, and a relatively good school life. I do have struggles almost all the time, but Im the type that can just kick them away and work through them. Sounds like you do the same thing. Im quite happy to see you are accepting, and us in this comunity are quite happy to have you here. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195520#p195520 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons To those who are saying that they cannot empathize my condition, I can understand completely. Like I said it probably is BIID and I dont really understand the mainstream form of self amputation. That doesnt make sense to me. I know there are other ways that people can permanently maim themselves as well for a better feeling of ones self as well. It appears to be a problem with body mapping, although Im not sure how it works exactly with blindness since BIID is already rare enough as it is and the blind variety is also a relatively uncommon subset.I found only a few other people who had this condition with the blindness variety on the internet yesterday. There was a german guy on a forum who had been dealing with it for over 25 years. I cant even imagine to be honest, I have barely been able to get past 13 or so. I dont think he actually crossed the line though, but he talked about how he secretly felt like he wished he could trade places with blind people he sees. I understand that. It causes a lot of stress, I dont know why. Its like its stupid but I just imagine myself with a cane, and not just that but fully blind as well. Its completely nonsensical. But the condition is so rare that this german forum was literally the only active forum I could find on it and the posts were extremely sparse.To those who are saying that I shouldnt do this to myself, I agree with you guys, but the realization that I had is that even though I realize these things and I am aware of many of the problems that blind people go through because of the person I was with for 20 months (and dont get me wrong - its not that I think that I know better or anything), these feelings arent rational. I realized why I was scared before and I was scared less because I wanted to lose my vision but because of how others would treat me, not only because I would be blind but because I would have done so willingly. Like I stated before I would rather willingly give up what I have to someone born blind than just destroy myself, I would be willing to have the surgery to give two kids my eyes or my retinas but thats impossible, because no surgeon would willingly do that to someone. I dont understand it, but I have come to terms with the fact that this is a major part of who I am.I dont know yet if Im going to act on it. But if I do I know that Im going to have to close all the gaps before I do. I cant leave my shoe laces untied and try to go running, after all.If it helps, Ive found it therapeutic to try to blindfold myself. This fact alone kind of makes me think that its kind of like gender dysphoria or something. It takes a couple of minutes but when it sets in Im able to actually feel kind of alright. Im working on learning how to use a computer, and I want to move up to have contacts with opaque lenses eve ntually. Perhaps the biggest problem though is that I cant be like this all the time. I think thats what compels me the most. I cant just Fake being blind like someone can fake being paralyzed, because blindness cuts off certain abilities to do things, and if I faked it, people would never be able to accept me for who I was. Maybe you guys but I think thats because this is a group of extremely understanding people. But if I did that in the sighted world they would think I was trying to take advantage of people, or even fetishizing blind people, and I KNOW its not that. And I think thats why I have this deeply rooted urge and desire to be like that, because thats how I see myself. It makes no sense but thats how it is.Again I really appreciate how welcoming everyone is. This was something that broke me down for literally 4 days. I woke up this morning with intense panic attacks and broke down in tea rs when asking for help for it. Even though I have come to accept somewhat that this is part of who I am, I realize that this is only the first step in a mountain to be able to acknowledge myself. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195529#p195529 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons To those who are saying that they cannot empathize my condition, I can understand completely. Like I said it probably is BIID and I dont really understand the mainstream form of self amputation. That doesnt make sense to me. I know there are other ways that people can permanently maim themselves as well for a better feeling of ones self as well. It appears to be a problem with body mapping in the brain (the same thing that causes phantom limbs), although Im not sure how it works exactly with blindness since BIID is already rare enough as it is and the blind variety is also a relatively uncommon subset.I found only a few other people who had this condition with the blindness variety on the internet yesterday. There was a german guy on a forum who had been dealing with it for over 25 years. I cant even imagine to be honest, I have barely been able to get past 13 or so. I dont think he actually crossed the line though, but he talked about ho w he secretly felt like he wished he could trade places with blind people he sees. I understand that. It causes a lot of stress, I dont know why. Its like its stupid but I just imagine myself with a cane, and not just that but fully blind as well. Its completely nonsensical. But the condition is so rare that this german forum was literally the only active forum I could find on it and the posts were extremely sparse.To those who are saying that I shouldnt do this to myself, I agree with you guys, but the realization that I had is that even though I realize these things and I am aware of many of the problems that blind people go through because of the person I was with for 20 months (and dont get me wrong - its not that I think that I know better or anything), these feelings arent rational. I realized why I was scared before and I was scared less because I wanted to lose my vision but because of how others would treat me, not only because I would be blind but because I would have done so willingly. Like I stated before I would rather willingly give up what I have to someone born blind than just destroy myself, I would be willing to have the surgery to give two kids my eyes or my retinas but thats impossible, because no surgeon would willingly do that to someone. I dont understand it, but I have come to terms with the fact that this is a major part of who I am.I dont know yet if Im going to act on it. But if I do I know that Im going to have to close all the gaps before I do. I cant leave my shoe laces untied and try to go running, after all.If it helps, Ive found it therapeutic to try to blindfold myself. This fact alone kind of makes me think that its kind of like gender dysphoria or something. It takes a couple of minutes but when it sets in Im able to actually feel kind of alright. Im working on learning how to use a computer, and I want to move up to have contacts with opaque lenses eventually. Perhaps the biggest problem though is that I cant be like this all the time. I think thats what compels me the most. I cant just Fake being blind like someone can fake being paralyzed, because blindness cuts off certain abilities to do things, and if I faked it, people would never be able to accept me for who I was. Maybe you guys but I think thats because this is a group of extremely understanding people. But if I did that in the sighted world they would think I was trying to take advantage of people, or even fetishizing blind people, and I KNOW its not that. And I think thats why I have this deeply rooted urge and desire to be like that, because thats how I see myself. It makes no sense but thats how it is.Again I really appreciate how welcoming everyone is. This was something that broke me down for literally 4 days. I woke up this morning with intense panic attacks and broke down in tears when asking for help for it. Even though I have come to accept somewhat that this is part of who I am, I realize that this is only the first step in a mountain to be able to acknowledge myself. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195529#p195529 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hey Rach Rach, I sent you a private message. I never notice when people send them to me, so I figured I should just go ahead and let you know. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195533#p195533 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.@CX2You no, I never thought of finding a partner who liked video games.Ill be honest. Ive Always thought my chances of finding a partner were impossible.I had a girlfriend, a couple months ago, it didnt work out so I said it had to end. Im not sad about that, but what Im sad about is this, shes nearly blind. in fact,shes blind and has a couple other disabilities.Not meaning to sound rude or anything but, why is it the blind go out with the blind and so on? Id love to go out with a sited woman. It would be nicer, well I think so anyway. Sure you might argue, as anyone would in a relationship, but youd have someone to take you places, help you out with things you couldnt do and so on.As for the blind finding int hard to find women or men who are willing to go out with them. I completely agree. I quit my English class, because I was finding it boring and find the idea of clay b etter cause I can touch it. I also quit because no one would talk to me in the class. Oh my friend Amin, AKA Bashue would, but hes blind too. Although to be fair on them, I didnt go and introduce myself so Im going to try to do that in my pottery class and see where that gets me. The one thing I cant stand is when they guide you to your seat chatting and all that, then they go away and youll never see them again in that class or outside of it. There were a couple women who guided me and Amin, which was nice and they were nice, but again they werent our friends, just people that guided us. We never asked to be friends but do we have to? A sighted person can just go up to another person and say hi and bang! theyve got a connection. How does that work anyway? Why cant the blind, or should I say, why cant I do that? Maybe its cause I dont say, Hi Im brad, or maybe its something else. I dont know. W hat I do know is Im going to try to introduce myself in the pottery class and hope for the best.Sorry for the long post URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195535#p195535 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ive come to think of visual impairment as, say, the powerball on the life lottery. If youre the sort who would tend to work hard and win at life, blindness will only make you work--and win--harder. If youre on the other end of the curve, so too can the negative be amplified. This amplification applies to problems and gains from external circumstances as well, especially other people.But thats just a working hypothesis, and a recent one at that. Im sure Ill be proven wrong soon enough. I always am. (This does not say much good about my critical thinking skills, but thats not what were talking about!)Theres a lot to digest in your post, but, you know, one of the last things I read before coming here involved lots of parables about how, if we can accommodate trans people, then lets accommodate them instead of being mean about it because its hard to understand those sorts of experiences. Emperor Norto n and Body Integrity Identity Disorder came up. (The latter seemed more general when I first heard about it, but nowadays people only use it to refer to people who have a deep seeded need to become amputees, so I cant suggest that it applies to you and me anymore, which is kinda frustrating.)I can at least be glad that you have found support! As you say, most people seem incapable of going further than oh, thats sad, at best, when they encounter something so far from their experience. Its good to know that people around here can do better than that, sometimes. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195312#p195312 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Ive come to think of visual impairment as, say, the powerball on the life lottery. If youre the sort who would tend to work hard and win at life, blindness will only make you work--and win--harder. If youre on the other end of the curve, so too can the negative be amplified. This amplification applies to problems and gains from external circumstances as well, especially other people.But thats just a working hypothesis, and a recent one at that. Im sure Ill be proven wrong soon enough. I always am. (This does not say much good about my critical thinking skills, but thats not what were talking about!)Theres a lot to digest in your post, but, you know, one of the last things I read before coming here involved lots of parables about how, if we can accommodate trans people, then lets accommodate them instead of being mean about it because its hard to understand those sorts of experiences. Emperor Norto n and Body Integrity Identity Disorder came up. (The latter seemed more general when I first heard about it, but nowadays people only use it to refer to people who have a deep seeded need to become amputees, so I cant suggest that it applies to you and me anymore, which is kinda frustrating.)I can at least be glad that you have found support! As you say, most people seem incapable of going further than oh, thats sad, at best, when they encounter something so far from their experience. Its good to know that people around here can do better than that, sometimes. [edit: technically, what you described is indeed BIID. But the amputee version is so salient that itll be the first to come to mind when someone brings it up.] URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195312#p195312 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Rach Rach, Im glad that being in this community has been so helpful. This group is indeed a unique one, haha. I dont have any experience with amputee identity disorder, but I do feel it might be at least related to what youre experiencing. CAE, this is what I thought about too while reading Rach Rachs post. I definitely dont want to come across as judgmental in any way! While I personally feel uneasy at the idea of permanently altering yourself to feel more like you, Ill be the first to point out that people have been doing variations of this for thousands of years. Cutting holes in ears, noses, and several other places to insert jewelry (or just to leave them as a large hole) is extremely common. People inject permanent ink into their skin to permanently display images. ; In various parts of the world people would bind heads with rope, feet with ribbon, or thin necks with metal rings... all for some sort of permanent change to the body. Part of me feels uneasy about making this connection, but what youre thinking about seems to just be a more extreme form of this same thing. Ive never been a fan of any sort of permanent body modification (no tattoos or piercings here), but its just personal preference. My only excuse for recommending against it, is that it IS permanent. Removing one of your 5 senses permanently, is what makes your modification more extreme than those I listed. If you change your mind in 10 years, there is no going back. To me, that is a scary thing. At least people who regret a tattoo can cover it with a shirt, or even pay big bucks to have it lasered off. A quick side note: Im laughing AT myself because of how stup id I feel right now. I just realized how much I enjoyed indenting my 2 paragraphs! You said you are sighted, so I have a rare excuse to actually use proper indentation in a post. Horray! I havent had a reason to do that around here for a long time. (Im sighted too) I just feel really silly/stupid because I never thought, in my life, that Id feel joy from indenting a paragraph. Its weird. I imagine most people could not sympathize with your feelings because they abhor the thought of losing one of their sensory inputs. I bet thats almost universal. In a very small way I think I can at least understand where youre coming from though, since the thought has (casually) crossed my mind many times that it would be wonderful if I was deaf. Deaf? Y ep. I usually do not enjoy sound. I rarely listen to music, I hate having a TV or radio on in the background, and I tend to be the most comfortable when Im in complete silence. Ive worn ear plugs for the fun of muting the world around me, especially at work where I can get very annoyed when people are making noise. Wait, how did I get roped into making AUDIO games?! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195316#p195316 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Rach Rach, Im glad that being in this community has been so helpful. This group is indeed a unique one, haha. I dont have any experience with amputee identity disorder, but I do feel it might be at least related to what youre experiencing. CAE, this is what I thought about too while reading Rach Rachs post. I definitely dont want to come across as judgmental in any way! While I personally feel uneasy at the idea of permanently altering yourself to feel more like you, Ill be the first to point out that people have been doing variations of this for thousands of years. Cutting holes in ears, noses, and several other places to insert jewelry (or just to leave them as a large hole) is extremely common. People inject ink into their skin to permanently display images. In vario us parts of the world people would bind heads with rope, feet with ribbon, or thin necks with metal rings... all for some sort of permanent change to the body. Part of me feels uneasy about making this connection, but what youre thinking about seems to just be a more extreme form of this same thing. Ive never been a fan of any sort of permanent body modification (no tattoos or piercings here), but its just personal preference. My only excuse for recommending against it, is that it IS permanent. Removing one of your 5 senses permanently, is what makes your modification more extreme than those I listed. If you change your mind in 10 years, there is no going back. To me, that is a scary thing. At least people who regret a tattoo can cover it with a shirt, or even pay big bucks to have it lasered off. A quick side note: Im laughing AT myself because of how stupid I feel right now. I just realized how much I enjoyed indenting my 2 paragraphs! You said you are sighted, so I have a rare excuse to actually use proper indentation in a post. Horray! I havent had a reason to do that around here for a long time. (Im sighted too) I just feel really silly/stupid because I never thought, in my life, that Id feel joy from indenting a paragraph. Its weird. I imagine most people could not sympathize with your feelings because they abhor the thought of losing one of their sensory inputs. I bet thats almost universal. In a very small way I think I can at least understand where youre coming from though, since the thought has (casually) crossed my mind many times that it would be wonderful if I was deaf. Deaf? Yep. I usually do not enjoy sound. I rarely listen to music, I hate having a TV or radio on in the background, and I tend to be the most comfortable when Im in complete silence. Ive worn ear plugs for the fun of muting the world around me, especially at work where I can get very annoyed when people are making noise. Wait, how did I get roped into making AUDIO games?! URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195316#p195316 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hail all. Rachel, it goes for you, Aprone and other sighted folks who are on a quest to understand the visually impaired and/or blind comunity. What Im about to say can be true both for personal and for a developers perspective. But like Rachel, I may use the words that truely describe what I think or feel about it, so, if it is going to hurt someone, I anticipate my apologies to you.Blindness can be viewed by some as a way to hide all the ugly and sad things from view. A permanent and enforced way to acquire inocence in some cases.But both wanting to be able to see everything and do not wanting to see at all are extreme of the same rope. Im totally blind since I was five years old. I managed to help many sighted people to notice things that were under their noses all the time. Needless to say, they help me alot too. For me this is an attempt to achieve balance. Perhaps the same fear some have of becoming blind, is the fear I have to be able to see.So if Im blind and have respect for sighted people, I obviously should not want to cut off their vision for saving them for all the ugliness of the world, there are still many wonders to be seen, this I can ensure you even not being able to see. I should try though, to help others the way I am. The nature is very fair friends, we all can appreciate a bird. Be it its colors, be it its beautiful song.We all have problems in some way. There are always some demons or dragons waiting deep inside us, to scare us when silence comes. First thing here is to locate them, do not let them hide from you. We can not just accept a flaw without at least try to solve it. Then, let us hunt them, one by one. Am I being too optimist? Maybe. But sometimes the best way to notice we have something harming us is to try to view it from outside our normal perspective.And please, this goes for everyone. You can count on me to help face those challenges.Best regards, Har amir. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195321#p195321 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons A demon, daemon or fiend, is a supernatural, often malevolent being prevalent in religion, occultism, literature, fiction, mythology and folklore. The original Greek word daimon does not carry the negative connotation initially understood by implementation of the Koine δαιμόνιον and later ascribed to any cognate words sharing the rootfeathers URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195335#p195335 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I suffer from depression myself so Id like to start by saying if at any point your situation changes and you do feel like you may harm yourself in some way or if it really starts bothering you please do seek professional advice, it doesnt make you unstable just human. I was born sighted and now completely blind, I can tell you when its 24/365 it isnt enjoyable.Perhaps in the same way as some transgender individuals practicing transvestism you might wish to obtain either a blindfold or blacked out glasses of some kind even if only to wear around the house, this might hopefully release enough of your feelings to ease the pressure. While I havent heard of this before I see no harm in it even though I know many people would likely stigmatise you for it. Hell Ive had rare brief temptations towards transvestism myself though I seriously doubt Id ever feel able to actually try it out, and as someone who finds gender no more important to attraction than matters like body type and hair colour I seem to find transvestites and other matters that play with the concepts of gender and gender roles rather sexy.Ultimately so long as you are happy with who you are and you dont harm others you can do pretty much whatever you like and Ill support your right to do it. In fact Ive made a couple of revelations here I havent really mentioned to anyone before simply as a show of support, and I thank you for giving me an incentive to do so since it will likely help me in accepting myself as I hope it does for you. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195336#p195336 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Theres a lot to digest in your post, but, you know, one of the last things I read before coming here involved lots of parables about how, if we can accommodate trans people, then lets accommodate them instead of being mean about it because its hard to understand those sorts of experiences. Emperor Norton and Body Integrity Identity Disorder came up. (The latter seemed more general when I first heard about it, but nowadays people only use it to refer to people who have a deep seeded need to become amputees, so I cant suggest that it applies to you and me anymore, which is kinda frustrating.)I can at least be glad that you have found support! As you say, most people seem incapable of going further than oh, thats sad, at best, when they encounter something so far from their experience. Its good to know that people around here can do better than that, sometimes. [edit: technically, what you described is indeed BIID. But the amputee version is so salient that itll be the first to come to mind when someone brings it up.]Ive been hesitant to try to self diagnose. Always have been with psychological problems - its an easy way to invoke hyperbole and be a hypochondriac. Just look at tumblr... (shudders). And Im going to try to get into a therapist as soon as possible. Im kind of afraid of a diagnosis of BIID since its often treated as a psychotic when, for all intensive purposes, if thats psychotic then it must be the only part of me that is and is very selective. This doesnt begin to get into the stigmatization of the issue at hand, just read those comments for instant shame. I have to give you guys credit thou gh for being really awesome in your responses, I was almost worried I would get one asshole but I know that I can trust you guys now.Aprone wrote: Ive never been a fan of any sort of permanent body modification (no tattoos or piercings here), but its just personal preference. My only excuse for recommending against it, is that it IS permanent. Removing one of your 5 senses permanently, is what makes your modification more extreme than those I listed. If you change your mind in 10 years, there is no going back. To me, that is a scary thing. At least people who regret a tattoo can cover it with a shirt, or even pay big bucks to have it lasered off.Im not really sure if this is an accurate analogy. I mean, the hardest thing is that yes, its an impulse, but its an impulse thats existed for 13 years at least, and has only gained in intensity. I definitely agree with what youre saying, and thats what the logical side of my brain tells me. Its very very scary for that reason - because such an internalized conflict exists. Its not like Im saying I dont understand, and I understand completely - its that the force that Im fighting is not a force that can be rationalized with.I think the best way to describe what it feels like is that you have two sides, a logical side and an emotional side. Emotional side usually doesnt ask for anything too out of the ordinary, and ends up manifesting things into guilty pleasures, such as my obsession with collecting figures and stuff. Usually its pretty harmless, or at worst it makes my paycheck cry a bit. But the most persistent issue, this one, has never gone away. It only gets worse and worse. It used to be something that I was able to pocket away, but this is no longer the case. The logical s ide is a parent of a completely bizarre emotional side who does not rationalize with anything. Instead, it bribes.Usually the thought process is like this. Emotions say that I should go and stuff ammonia in my eyes or something like that. No real trigger or anything, Ill just wake up and think about blinding myself. Logical side says thats stupid because of various reasons, I think youre all aware of those reasons. Emotional side used to not know how to argue against this. But emotional side has gotten smarter over the years and tries to plea logically to logical side, which is dangerous. Emotional side knows that logical sides main argument is that there would be certain things that would be irreplacable, so emotional side tries to bribe that these are not as unmanageable as it seems. Exposure to blindies gives good evidence to this argument, but logical side stays adamant. However, each time emotional side becomes more convincing. It has eventually b oiled down to the idea of open shoelaces, which must be tied. Essentially accomplishing all of the things I need to accomplish in short before being able to proceed. Logical side is aware that once this occurs logical side will have almost no defense to emotional sides increasing strength, which is why I feel that this event will inevitably occur. Logical side tries to compensate for this by continually producing projects but it is not capable of working fast or deep enough, and it realizes that there is a means to an end.In the meantime it attempts to pacify emotional side to try to reduce its intensity
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Theres a lot to digest in your post, but, you know, one of the last things I read before coming here involved lots of parables about how, if we can accommodate trans people, then lets accommodate them instead of being mean about it because its hard to understand those sorts of experiences. Emperor Norton and Body Integrity Identity Disorder came up. (The latter seemed more general when I first heard about it, but nowadays people only use it to refer to people who have a deep seeded need to become amputees, so I cant suggest that it applies to you and me anymore, which is kinda frustrating.)I can at least be glad that you have found support! As you say, most people seem incapable of going further than oh, thats sad, at best, when they encounter something so far from their experience. Its good to know that people around here can do better than that, sometimes. [edit: technically, what you described is indeed BIID. But the amputee version is so salient that itll be the first to come to mind when someone brings it up.]Ive been hesitant to try to self diagnose. Always have been with psychological problems - its an easy way to invoke hyperbole and be a hypochondriac. Just look at tumblr... (shudders). And Im going to try to get into a therapist as soon as possible. Im kind of afraid of a diagnosis of BIID since its often treated as a psychotic when, for all intensive purposes, if thats psychotic then it must be the only part of me that is and is very selective. This doesnt begin to get into the stigmatization of the issue at hand, just read those comments for instant shame. I have to give you guys credit thou gh for being really awesome in your responses, I was almost worried I would get one asshole but I know that I can trust you guys now.Aprone wrote: Ive never been a fan of any sort of permanent body modification (no tattoos or piercings here), but its just personal preference. My only excuse for recommending against it, is that it IS permanent. Removing one of your 5 senses permanently, is what makes your modification more extreme than those I listed. If you change your mind in 10 years, there is no going back. To me, that is a scary thing. At least people who regret a tattoo can cover it with a shirt, or even pay big bucks to have it lasered off.Im not really sure if this is an accurate analogy. I mean, the hardest thing is that yes, its an impulse, but its an impulse thats existed for 13 years at least, and has only gained in intensity. I definitely agree with what youre saying, and thats what the logical side of my brain tells me. Its very very scary for that reason - because such an internalized conflict exists. Its not like Im saying I dont understand, and I understand completely - its that the force that Im fighting is not a force that can be rationalized with.I think the best way to describe what it feels like is that you have two sides, a logical side and an emotional side. Emotional side usually doesnt ask for anything too out of the ordinary, and ends up manifesting things into guilty pleasures, such as my obsession with collecting figures and stuff. Usually its pretty harmless, or at worst it makes my paycheck cry a bit. But the most persistent issue, this one, has never gone away. It only gets worse and worse. It used to be something that I was able to pocket away, but this is no longer the case. The logical s ide is a parent of a completely bizarre emotional side who does not rationalize with anything. Instead, it bribes.Usually the thought process is like this. Emotions say that I should go and stuff ammonia in my eyes or something like that. No real trigger or anything, Ill just wake up and think about blinding myself. Logical side says thats stupid because of various reasons, I think youre all aware of those reasons. Emotional side used to not know how to argue against this. But emotional side has gotten smarter over the years and tries to plea logically to logical side, which is dangerous. Emotional side knows that logical sides main argument is that there would be certain things that would be irreplacable, so emotional side tries to bribe that these are not as unmanageable as it seems. Exposure to blindies gives good evidence to this argument, but logical side stays adamant. However, each time emotional side becomes more convincing. It has eventually b oiled down to the idea of open shoelaces, which must be tied. Essentially accomplishing all of the things I need to accomplish in short before being able to proceed. Logical side is aware that once this occurs logical side will have almost no defense to emotional sides increasing strength, which is why I feel that this event will inevitably occur. Logical side tries to compensate for this by continually producing projects but it is not capable of working fast or deep enough, and it realizes that there is a means to an end.In the meantime it attempts to pacify emotional side to try to reduce its intensity
Re: Demons
Re: Demons I understand that your feelings arent rooted in depression, noting that the stress caused by such feelings may contribute to depression rather than being caused by it. That said your impulses sound very like urges to self harm or commit suicide by those who have such impulses brought on by depression, something Ive experienced in some limited fashion myself. As time has gone on the rational reasoning against suicide I can bring to bear has gradually eroded as I become desensitised to each concern, and there are times when that has been genuinely scary. Ive been in something of a rut ever since leaving college ten years ago, and I likely had signs of depression prior to that due to many issues at school and within my family which have no connection to my visual impairment. My impulses cause me to spiral down at times believing there is no way for me to improve my life and that the difficulty in trying such is just too much for me to bear. Ive sought help and Im on anti depressants but thats not a long term solution, which Im fully aware of.After Robin Williams tragic suicide there were clips on the news of him in a previous interview saying theres always a little voice in the back of his mind saying jump. Again its the same concept, the urge doesnt seem to come from anywhere specific though obviously stress can increase its likelihood as with many things.Like you I have times when I fear running out of arguments to throw at my urges, sometimes it downright terrifies me and its often in the middle of the night when I cant sleep and my mind keeps going round in circles steadily spiralling down. I dont have a solution any more than you do but my local area does have a crisis line for if you feel youre going to act on something. If you know someone who understands maybe you could at least ask if in the event of you reaching that point if you could c all them for them to talk you down. I cant guarantee youll actually call them any more than I can guarantee Id have the presence of mind to call the crisis line but its all Ive got to suggest. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195352#p195352 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hello,Sorry guys If I’m not clear enough, because my native language is not English.Why would you take away your vision? Others dream to be sited one day.I have some blind friends who feel very uncomfortable and unsatisfied because of their blindness. Another tendency of some blind folks here in Albania is to hide it. So they want to be shown like they’re not blind, claiming they can do all sorts of things, even walking in a city of a bad infrastructure. Publically, especially among sited people they try to use their phones or computers without a sited assistance, or screen reader, mostly when they meet a sited person for the first time. I am really taken aback when I hear them doing such things, because that’s no way of avoiding your blindness. They do even try to move in a crowded area or school, claiming that they are not blind. Some others stay 24 hours a day in their home, cause they are ashamed of their blindness. They do not even want to get along with their friends, or make new friends, cause they think nobody will like them. These are just psychological disorders, which are preventing many blinds from making a healthy life over here. Fortunately, I have got these problems over, and many things are going well this way. I strongly think that we can make good friendships, which may work better than with blind people. I had a friend from my high school, who was so far my best friend. He was not blind and our opinions were almost the same. We used to go everywhere together, and I don’t remember there was ever a problem between me and him.I really don’t like those people who, because of their disease, want to live their life inactively, and who do not like anymore themselves, like they lost everything, and there’s no way of coping with their problems. This are very harmful and may lead from depression to a potential suicide, because when you are depressed, the chances are less to control yourself properly. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195365#p195365 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Its not really like I want to be blind, in fact a huge part of the tension involved with feeling this way is the exact opposite of wanting to be blind. I think cx2 kind of has a somewhat right idea that its an urge rather than a wanting. It feels like a forbidden fruit that my body didnt match with. Its completely illogical and conflicts with everything that could be called common sense, really. And to be honest, I would rather give my sight to people, even split it between two people, than just take it away, but thats impossible.I found a german forum, my german is very very loose but I saw some other people with BIID of different forms, including blindness. Too nervous to even approach it, although its extremely inactive, theres only a few threads and their dates are separated by years of content. Things I read there, its strange how they feel comfortable with their condition because I have always been afraid of that side of myself, and Im still shaking from Thursday. When I realized I couldnt hold it under a rug anymore.I found this link today and it illustrated how I feel really well, actually.http://www.experienceproject.com/storie … er/1539450I wish I could talk to this person and talk about our experiences since I know this sounds weird but I dont really understand the amputee kind. I know it must make absolutely no sense to someone watching from outside because to them, just like the amputee kind is to me, it makes no sense. But to me the struggle is every bit as real as it seems. I hate it. I wish I didnt have it. Its not something I would wish upon anyone. I tried to hide it so long and it grew into a monster. Only by blindfolding myself and listening to music was I able to calm myself down yesterday.I hope this makes sense because I cant hide these things. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195368#p195368 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi rach rach and others.I cant say I fully understand this topic but Im here if you want to talk. I dont know if Ill be any help but I can at least try. My skype is brad1647And email bradleybro...@live.co.ukI dont want to upset you and I doubt I will by asking so Ill ask. Why do you want to be more like us? Blind I mean. Im not saying it sucks, Im not going to, Because It doesnt. Sure I have stupid experiences, (I had to try to sign a paper today with. 1. A tiny pen. 2. an idiot guy who insists I sign the paper. And 3. A tiny piece of paper... The pen was almost half the size of your little finger. Anyway the woman at the counter ended up reading the declaration? The thing you sign to visit people in prison for the first time, that thing. and everything was good again.) Also I have people trying to & quot;help Me. Im sure they mean well and thats why I usually accept it, but some just annoy me one person when I was in college tried to help me by taking me to the other side of the street, they thought they were helping, turns out they made it a little harder for me. So Id like to know why youd like to be blind or *shudders* cut out your eyes. Why cant you just be rachel, the person who helps the blind and helps those that need it? Changing your body shape or removing certain parts of it, wont change you and I doubt it would improve your life, again not cause blindness sucks, but because your family and friends would probably not understand, and youd have to go to hospital for ages. I know youll be okay, youre strong as you say in your post. Speaking of your post, Im going to re read it. Note to self; dont read long interesting posts when half asleep... I really hope Ive not offended you and others and made things worse. But that is what I got from your post so far. Like I said Ill re read it to see if I can understand more. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195369#p195369 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Its not really like I want to be blind, in fact a huge part of the tension involved with feeling this way is the exact opposite of wanting to be blind. I think cx2 kind of has a somewhat right idea that its an urge rather than a wanting. It feels like a forbidden fruit that my body didnt match with. Its completely illogical and conflicts with everything that could be called common sense, really. And to be honest, I would rather give my sight to people, even split it between two people, than just take it away, but thats impossible.Im aware of most of the consequences of that action, its not a matter of that, you cannot reason with these feelings. You simply have to continue to defeat them.I found a german forum, my german is very very loose but I saw some other people with BIID of different forms, including blindness. Too nervous to even approach it, although its extremely inactive, theres only a few threads and their dates are separated by years of content. Things I read there, its strange how they feel comfortable with their condition because I have always been afraid of that side of myself, and Im still shaking from Thursday. When I realized I couldnt hold it under a rug anymore.I found this link today and it illustrated how I feel really well, actually.http://www.experienceproject.com/storie … er/1539450I wish I could talk to this person and talk about our experiences since I know this sounds weird but I dont really understand the amputee kind. I know it must make absolutely no sense to someone watching from outside because to them, just like the amputee kind is to me, it makes no sense. But to me the struggle is every bit as real as it seems. I hate it. I wish I didnt have it. Its not something I would wish upon anyone. I tried to hide it so long and it grew into a monster. Only by blindfolding myself and listening to music was I able to calm myself down yesterday.I hope this makes sense because I cant hide these things. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195368#p195368 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Rach Rach, Your explanation of the 2 ways your brain are fighting each other makes absolute perfect sense to me. I deal with the same sort of internal struggle. I think a lot of peoples minds feel unified until they are put into a rare situation where 2 halves disagree strongly enough for them to be viewed as opposing sides. Even in everyday situations, I am painfully aware of how different parts of my mind are working independently, and have their own sets of views, goals, and strategies for getting the rest to do things their way. While your example broke it down to only 2 sides (logical and emotional), it seemed to spot-on that I really think were talking about the same thing. As a funny story, during college I hated going to class so much (mind-numbingly boring) that Id go through these internal struggles about going to class or skipping. For a short period of time each part of my mind would inevitably be the dominant decision maker. When it was the turn of (one of) the part wanting me to skip class, I would actually turn and start driving away from the campus. The plan was to force the other parts to give in to skipping class, since even when they were back in control the damage had been done. I would be so far out of the way by that time, that even if I went to class Id be considerably late. Oh the mind-games those parts of my mind play on one another. My first post did oversimplify the situation when comparing it to things like tattoos. Not meaning to sound offensive in any way, I think society would expect me to start out with any statement that might help persuade you to avoid giving up your sight. Since Ive already done my duty in the previous post, I think it s a bit more acceptable for me to move forward being more honest, neutral, and hopefully helpful. This 13 year struggle that youre going through, pretty accurately fits in with things I have in my own life. Based on things youve said and similarities I can see between you and I, I think were both screwed. ROFL! Sounds terrible and not helpful, but this is the honest portion of the program. A portion of your mind is holding on to this idea like a steel trap, and all youve been able to do is survive, barely holding back, and slowly losing ground for 13 years. I am absolutely in the same boat. When your mind digs in its heals like this, Im not aware of anything that can be done to change it. Believe me, Ive tried! Ive tried to manually override part of my mind for a th ird of my life, while making a very conscious effort nearly every day. Ive had no luck, and like you I feel that if anything, Ive been losing ground. I have no answer, and Im dreadfully sorry to say that. For me, burying myself in projects is a way to keep myself occupied. As an audio game developer yourself, should you decide to continue the fight (against your other half), this is one way to do it. As long as I think of the situation as a battle, it does tend to help me. It gets the other parts riled up and defensive, keeping them from being so easily swayed by the arguments of the unwanted piece. I have absolutely no idea what would speak to you on a deep enough level to work, but heres one idea off of the top of my head. As a sighted audio games developer, you have a different set of tools available to you that blind developers do not have. You would also be bett er equipped to play mainstream games to find new ideas and game concepts that can be introduced into this community. Any hopes of bridging the gap between sighted games and blind games is going to (probably) come from a sighted developer. (Sorry if that offends anyone who cannot see... it wasnt meant to) You also have a much easier time earning money from a job to keep yourself independent. If the way to hold your position in this war is to dedicate yourself to a cause, or projects (my strategy), then perhaps your cause can be to better the audio games community. If this cause is important enough to you, then your sight (eyes) can then be accepted due to the above benefits they bring to the table. Like a soldier who doesnt enjoy being shot at or taking the lives of others, the why I am doing this is what makes it all tolerable. A truck driver probably comes to view his vehicle as a prison cell, but can d eal with it by thinking of the family he is supporting with his pay checks. Maybe seeing can be the burden you carry so that you can help this community in ways others can not. *Shrugs* Okay that seemed rather sappy and I sort of started to ramble on and on. Maybe something I said will help in some way. Also keep in mind that Ive presented a way to continue the internal fight, because in my particular situation losing the battle is not an option. You technically do have a choice to give in and life a fine life, and I dont want to seem like Im saying you Shouldnt. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195370#p195370
Re: Demons
Re: Demons brad wrote:So Id like to know why youd like to be blind or *shudders* cut out your eyes. Why cant you just be rachel, the person who helps the blind and helps those that need it? Changing your body shape or removing certain parts of it, wont change you and I doubt it would improve your life, again not cause blindness sucks, but because your family and friends would probably not understand, and youd have to go to hospital for ages. I know youll be okay, youre strong as you say in your post. Speaking of your post, Im going to re read it. Note to self; dont read long interesting posts when half asleep... I really hope Ive not offended you and others and made things worse. But that is what I got from your post so far. Like I said Ill re read it to see if I can understand more. I honestly wish I had the answer, Brad.I know that no matter what happens Im going to be the same person. I badly injured my foot 3 weeks ago, and honestly if that caused my foot to be amputated, we all know that I would still be the same Rachel regardless. But its not like that.Its like something doesnt match. In my brain. And it keeps asking me to achieve a vision of a Rachel that doesnt currently exist. And even though my logical side knows that it doesnt want this Rachel to exist, that beast is still begging. It gets stronger every time its slain. And I am at the point that I know that it will eventually consume me. Its a matter of when. Even if this does happen I know that I wont be any different but it almost feels like a relief from this constant feeling.This realization has caused incredible amounts of trauma in the last few days, and Ive been just starting to reel myse lf in a bit back into reality.And dont worry, nobody here has offended me. In fact youve done just the opposite. I find your posts an interesting perspective. Get some sleep ya nerd. Heh. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195373#p195373 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Let me first start by saying that most of what Im about to say relates to my own personal experience. It is not my intention to be offensive, or dismissive, as I sure hate when people do that to me.Having said that, I want to share what I think is a similar experience to yours, and why I have firmly decided never to go through with it.When I was growing up, my parents were never emotionally supportive of me at all. They constantly told me that everything I felt was either stupid, or they told me not to feel it. However, I was always a sensitive person. I also wasnt a very normal little girl. I enjoyed playing with cars as much as dolls, for instance, and, while I had a sizable collection of Barbies, I never enjoyed dressing them up and parading them around like nice girls are supposed to do. I more or less made up stories in my head about them as if they were actors or whatever. And the dolls I really enjoyed were those ones that were so popular in the 90s when I was growing up, the ones that went to the bathroom or got sick, or things of that nature.I also had a history of physical fights with my sister, and occasionally making violent threats. I wont go into the details, but trust me, I dont think anyone really wants to know.I got along better with the boys in my classes than the girls. This has been a personality trait thats stuck with me into adulthood as well. All my close friends are male, and I would be much more likely to approach a guy for friendship than a woman. And keep in mind that Im talking about strictly platonic friendships here. This has actually gotten me in a lot of bad situations with ex-boyfriends, because they thought I shouldnt have guy friends while I was dating them. It was unnatural, Ive been told.So, lets review the facts: 1. I was an angry, emotionally fragile child; 2. I was repeatedly yelled at, or hit, if I did not comply with demands to be less emotional; 3. Ive always preferred the company of guys; 4. my play as a child was abnormal.As I grew older, I began to reflect on my life and how Id lived it. As a teenager, I began toying with the idea of gender reassignment surgery. I looked around me and saw guys who were allowed to express how they felt. Sure, real men dont cry and all that crap, but to be honest, I dont believe that applies as much in the 21st century as it once did. Hell, not even in the 20th--whats the one thing country singers say theyre doing in about 98% of their songs? Thats right--crying, shedding tears, walking the floor. And no one mocked those lyrics. Even rock and roll wasnt all about sex. The teen balladeers, the du-wap singers, knew how to capture that first heartbreak so well that it all became cliché.Also, this is just a personal preference, but a certain degree of sensitivity in a man is extremely attractive to me. I dont want to date or be intimate with a brick wall, so to speak.To get back to the topic, though, I became obsessed with how lucky guys were. They could be complete assholes and people respected them. I got it into my head that the only way anyone would ever take me seriously, or let me throw and smash things, use a punching bag, work out, or any number of other things to release anger, would be if I were a man.So I thought about it and thought about it, but then something happened. I fell head over heels in love for the first time when I was 16.And it was like a switch was flipped in my head. I realized that my decision to get an artificial penis wouldnt affect just me. The love of my life would have to deal with those ramifications, too. People I cared about would have to completely shift their attitudes about me and who I was, and how I fit into their lives.Furthermore, I had been born a woman. I had the instincts, the mindset, to a degree, and the soul of a woman. Getting new genitalia wouldnt change that. You are who you are, no matter how flawed you may be. Thats why alcoholics are predisposed to abusing the substance long before they take their first drink, or a gay or bisexual person is born that way. Most of what we are is included in our genetic makeup, and theres no changing that.As I came to this realization, I also realized that, if I started toting testosterone, I might completely lose control. I might have become an abuser. The years and years worth of rage, which still lives deep inside me, might have resulted in any number of criminal activities. This is why I keep such strict control over myself and my emotions, even today. I dont even want to think about what I would do were I allowed to feel the full force of the darkness that will probably always be inside of me.Today, Im still not normal. My parents still occasionally tell me not to feel a certain way, but their favorite tactic is to accuse me of being drunk if I express the slightest hint of anger. Because, yknow, theres a direct correlation between alcohol consumption and anger.I often feel powerless, unprofessional, and many other things
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi.Time to tell my story, I think.Its meant to be quite childish in parts. Ill explain more about that later.It was a cold and dark night... what! it was.Well it was around seven in the evening and it was cold, and dark. I was walking with my mum to the doctors for some reason. I was around 8 maybe 9? I dont know. Anyway we went to the doctors with my brother in the pram. (stroller I think they call it in America.) So after this doctors visit, we went to my nans. Why we went there, i didnt know. I even asked my mum and got told to shut up!Anyway I ended up living there. I remember my first night. I was playing with my new toy I got from the library In school. It was a phone toy, and you press buttons and it makes nice sounds. Man that toy was awesome!You wonna know the best part of that night, Audio game community? The best part, the most awesomest part? No arguments! No more would I have to here, a ll those bad words that I wasnt meant to say, but said inside my head anyway cause they sounded funny... No more would i smell that icky stuff my mum and dad drunk on a daily bassess. No more would I get told I was a bad boy. I wasnt! I didnt brake anything but I got the blame. Oh Brad broke the lamp. brad broke the toys. Brad, this, brad that. No more would I get smacked for doing nothing. And the sofa. (couch.) Man that was the most comfiest thing Id ever slept on. Oh and I got audiobooks on tape. [[wow]], they were awesome too!I thought i was the luckiest 10 year old ever!And heres where the story turns from a nice story to a story I wish I didnt have to live...I was 11 and had made a friend in school. His name was Guilllermo. ghe yer, mo. And I thought he was quite awesome. Wed have fun talking and throwing grass at eatch other. So I told him i was being bullied, and I told him about the arguments b efore I lived with my nan. I told him everything!And you wonna know what he did? He turned against me. When the bully would bully me, hed join in. or just stand there. Now keep in mind the guy was strong. Of course he was. Couldnt have a week person getting all the girls attentions when he went on holiday, now could we? Oh noo. ahum, sorry, kind of side tracked there...Anyway, he stood there, while I was kicked, punched, dragged over tarmac. IF you dont know what that is, its a rubber like stuff that people put down on roads. It has stones in it. I was dragged from one end of the pitch to another. And when ever Id tell a teacher. Theyd do nothing about it. nothing at all! My nan got involved and still they did nothing.I left that place with a mistrust of adults and hating those students I hung around with.Moving onto college...I left Lindon Lodge to go to, RNC college.In this college I met a guy, Richard. Who I thought was my friend, how wrong I was.He met a girl, Aliya, and they soon started going out. He was lazy and she was no better. Fat and lazy, the both of them. I was bullied there too. I wasnt confident. Would you have been if you were kicked down all the time you tried to fit in? Would you be, if the teachers didnt help even though they said they didnt support bullying? Well in this college I got thrown into Richards room, to here him and his fat ugly girlfriend have sex. It was stupid sex too. All baby, yeah, and all that shit. stupid sounds!He locked the door so I couldnt get out.Another time, I was strangled, by Richard just because I wouldnt give in and go into there fucking room, get it? fucking room, because they fucked in there? No, no? Oh well, I guess Im crazy.Also, I got beaten up in the student services, and all the idiots did in there was tell the bastard, no fighting in the studen t services. Oh great, yeah tell him that. Idiots. So what does he do, he drags me out side with his fat girlfriend, side note, she has a huge ass, nice and soft and all that. Tries to Help By saying stop Richard, dont do that baby. God she made me sick.All that nice fakeness. Idiot. Doesnt she get it? It wasnt going to work. That wasnt going through my mind. What was going through my mind at that time was this; oh great here we go again.SO I get dragged to their room, and thrown on the Flor then they just sit there... [[wow]] what a waste of time that was.Oh and do you know, I tried to help the fat bitch and her ugly boyfriend twice?Once was when the idiot tried to kill himself...So Im lying there in bed, when I sense somethings wrong, Ive always believed in this sense, so I get up rush out the door and into Richards room. hes on the phone. Baby, Im sorry Im sorry. I didnt mean to do it. Side note, I still dont know what he didnt mean to do. probably cheated or something. Shes crying. Brad, brad! help him. ha! finally the bitch needs me to do something for her. She says. Im coming over Hangs up and does just that.While shes getting her fat ass over to campal hall I talked to Richard.He showed me the knife he was going to use to slit his wrists with. The fucking knife wasnt even
Re: Demons
Re: Demons TurtlePower, I have a female friend who has had bad experiences because she gets on better with men than women. She had issues with their girlfriends seeing her as competition, thinking she was trying to seduce their boyfriends. Frankly I just think some people are what would have traditionally been called masculine or feminine in their interests and it has little to do with gender, in fact that same friend seems equally happy handmaking greetings cards or listening to the rugby on the radio. For all I know she might do both at the same time. Personally I get on really well with tomboys, sometimes I do find them attractive but it really is more than that. Sensitive tomboys are some of the loveliest people Ive known.Aprone and Rachel, that all sounds very familiar. I know with my depression it feels very much like you describe, and when Im able to bringing in my stubborn side can help tremendously. I can be very stubborn when I want to be, something I get from my mother who is frustratingly stubborn on reflex without thinking about whether its to her benefit or not. I like to think I at least have some discretion in my use of it but the fact remains its one of the few ways that has any real impact and gives any real relief when I feel like that. Its just unfortunately very difficult to push through all the emotions to reach it.Personally I was bullied despite being sighted all the way through school without remorse, my father did something rather unethical and as a result killed himself when I was about 9 when the police got on his trail, my mother was as damaged as I am it seems, my mothers side of the family have always been extremely dysfunctional and my fathers side showed utterly no affection with my paternal grandmother simply using us as an excuse to brag to everyone about all the things she was doing for us. Only my mother and sister even seemed to care even a little, and even then I was never ab le to open up to them. All this before losing my sight which was kind of the straw that broke the camels back.I wouldnt say being blind is something you cant live with, I would say its a genuine and massive pain in the arse. When combined with what is essentially emotional trauma going back through your entire life, thats what makes it difficult. In a sense it kind of feels like my heart is trying to swim through treacle or something, I know that sounds absurd but thats how it feels and its painful. When you have a rough spot it really can shake you to your core and make you incredibly nervous for days. Im feeling a little teary just recalling this, thats how powerful it is. Do your best and try to hold on to yourself, hopefully at least some of us can break its hold eventually and at least we can say we tried. If we all feel similarly then there must be thousands of others in the world who do as well, its small comf ort but I dont believe were an anomaly or somehow inferior. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195385#p195385 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons hi.@cx2 thing is, blindness is a pain in the arse for those that have had sight before, I think.I think those that are blind are just used to this life. The ups and the downs of it all.Someone once asked me, if I could get my site back, would I do it. I said straight away, no. They were shocked. Think about it, why would I want something Ive never had in the first place? The only two things I can think of having site for, which would be worth anything to me would be. 1. Being able to look at women and form an opinion on them and there bodies. My family have told me, oh if only you could see, oo look at her, she has a huge ass, huge breasts,. It pisses me off that i cant see that, but then I think, well at least Im not as stupid as my father is to mention it in front of the women. But honestly I can live without that and dont need it to live. And its wrong to have women looked at like that. I highly doubt many women want to be seen a s objects that people are aloud to look at. Although saying that, some dont care and its those women I like. They dont care about there body and are prowd of it.2. Videogames. I would love to play a video game just once. You no? a full on sighted video game, with cars and guns and fighting and jumping and collecting stars,and getting coins and... other things.I would want site for that. It would be really nice. But I doubt it will ever happen simply cause I would probably reviews all treatments. Not that I think theres any for R.O.P. Or the type that I have. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195390#p195390 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hey, I thought I would just let everyone know that I feel a lot better about myself than back on Thursday. I think I got over this pivotal point in my journey. I really appreciate your words. Ill try my hardest. I promise. Use my demons for good. I know that I feel that there will be a day that they overtake me and my need to change myself will come to fruition... but even if that does happen I can at least walk with no regrets. I promise that I will tie all my shoelaces, thats the least I can do. And maybe there will be more, who knows. But I promise that whatever happens that Ill stay around. And maybe calling them demons is a bit of a misnomer. They have given me a gift of empathy and desire to understand that Ive never would have had before this. Im really exhausted though. I cried... a lot. I was afraid that my realizations would ostracize me. But then I realized how much you all, and my friends, really cared about me. And it was amaz ing that everyone that I know would at least be willing to accept things, if I did eventually fulfill my desires. You have no idea how much it means to me that none of you judge me for this. Seriously. I was worried about coming out to you guys, expecting being called selfish and throwing my life away... but you guys gave me the support I needed. Thank you so much. I am indebted to you for so much. Please know that even though I may not always agree with every one on this forum that you are all good people. That we may never be able to understand these differences about ourselves from an external perspective, or maybe we can and we just dont know it until someone brings it up. But the fact that you all have been willing to see past that shows how good of people you really are. Please never forget this. I love all of you. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195392#p195392 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Hi Rach Rach.No problem Were all here to help one another. Sometimes we agree with things and other times we might not. But thats the point of a great forum like this. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195397#p195397 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
Re: Demons
Re: Demons Brad, a few points.First noone ever said its wrong to look at people of whatever gender youre attracted to, apart from potentially a few extreme religious types. What is wrong is full on ogling, essentially its the difference between an appreciative glance and a full on stare. That said looks arent everything and Ive learned to cope with this, even though I, ahem, had some issues early on in my sight loss with this issue.Secondly mainstream games are something I miss dearly and would be great if we could play them somehow, but still we can dream of finding a partner who has an interest in them as well that we could share in some fashion.My main description of it being a pain in the arse refers mostly to a combination of having to use public transport which at least in my area is always hot and stuffy making me feel a little unwell using it, general difficulty working out routes and the fact that sighted people ironically rarely lo ok where theyre going. Perhaps having once been sighted I feel this more than someone blind from birth but the fact that the world is predominantly designed by and for sighted people really is a monumental nuisance. URL: http://forum.audiogames.net/viewtopic.php?pid=195404#p195404 ___ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
