Remember - Only 2 Posts Per Day
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[> comments by Renee Jenson]
> >From Mary Baker:
> Remember - Only 2 Posts Per Day
> _________________________________________
>
> > I view professional sports teams and their following as only
> > marginally better than those who frequent casinos and racehorse >betting
> areas.
Sounds about right.
>
> Uuufff. Marginally better????
Marginally worse, then.
>
> When my mother-in-law was dying from colon cancer about 12 years ago she
> wanted to die at home. So we took her home from the hospital and cared for
> her. She was bedridden. Her only form of entertaintainment, what she
> really, really looked forward to, were the Twins games. If she was lucky
> they were televised. If not, she listened to them on 'CCO. She suffered
> all that hot summer. Her only bright spots were those Twins games. She was
> a class act.
Whenever a Twins game happened to be selected by mistake, my imaginary
Uncle Filbert would have a conniption fit, turn red, writhe in agony, foam
at the mouth, screech like a bandsawed banshee, and die a horrible
revolting death. Otherwise he was happy go lucky, beloved by all adults,
children, babies, and animals. But even a few seconds of a Twins game, and
my magnificent uncle, probably the greatest human being that has ever
lived, bought the farm. I would have to wait until the Twins season was
over before reimagining Uncle Filbert. Please don't let him buy the farm
again. It's up to everyone to do their part.
>
> When my dad died he was at Fairview hospitals getting care for complications
> for his diabetes. He had a heart attack lying in bed waiting for the Twins
> game to come on. He loved the Twins ever since I can remember. He was
> another class act.
My imaginary grandfather, Reginald, watched the Porno Hall of Fame show at
5pm every day. Then some religious meanies came in and took it away, and
at 5pm the next day, Reginald died. Nothing more to look forward to.
>
> The Nursing home patients always have the Twins or Vikings tuned in on their
> TV's or radios when I visit. They might not be able to get out but they love
> to keep up with their favorite teams.
My imaginary garage mechanics like to watch bear baiting and cock fighting
on the Animal Combat Channel. They know the names of all the bears and
roosters. Some of the names are pretty funny. Like Bug Bear, Grinnan
Bearit, UnBearAble, Booster the Rooster, Franklin Delano Roostervelt.
While they fix my car, they make bets and cheer and scream like banshees.
In between they make up new funny names for the bears and roosters. Some
of them I don't dare print here, but most people would roll on the floor
laughing like crazed idiots if they heard them. Good dirty fun, the kind
that made America great, the kind of humor that is essential to the
preservation of Western Civilization As We Know It.
> WHERE and WHAT to build is the issue. NOT THE FUNDING. Not yet. Don't focus
> on the funding.
I want a mansion made entirely of gold. Gold floors, gold doors, gold
ceilings and walls, gold here and there and everywhere. Solid gold
foundations down to bed rock. Gold sewer pipes to the street. Land cleared
in every direction to foil robbers, and an army of several thousand to
protect me and my stuff. I am having more fun imagining it than you can
shake a stick at. My imaginary psychoanalyst counsels me, Hey, you've
never been happier - funding schmunding! Get everybody to buy into your
dream, and THEN hit 'em with the bill!
> When you buy a car you figure out what kind of car you are going to buy
> before you figure out exactly how you are going to finance it, right? A
> $3000 used car might have a lot different funding than a $45,000 SUV. You
> need to determine your wants and needs and then look at your funding options
> and make a decision.
My wants and needs are boundless. There ain't no limits to what I covet.
You name it, I want it, I need it, I demand it. Now in this case, it's a
gold mansion. Little enough to ask. Make me happy.
> I would like to see a new stadium off of Shephard road by the river.
> Where there now is a bunch of dilapidated warehouses. It would take
> advantage of a couple of freeways and also lightrail. Also a people
> mover from downtown. There's some old entertainment places down there
> that could use some redevelopment dollars and now that Mary mentions it,
> lets put some slot machines and a saloon in the complex. Maybe some
> gameing tables. Sort of a harkening (is that a word?) to St. Paul's
> illustrious past. It would be fun. A gangster theme. Women in those
> big floofy dresses that just show off their ankles and laced up boots
> dancing onstage. Oh, And I'd like a really good blues club, too.
I want my Mansion of Gold to occupy the land now occupied by the State
Capitol, and surrounding office buildings, and St Marks. Who will be so
mean-spirited, so lacking in fun and patriotism, so insensitive to a
suffering fellow human being, as to deny me this? After all, it's all I
ask. Today.
----
And now, blowing the dust off my archives, here are
ta-da!
THE STADIUM POEMS
"The medium is the tedium.
The tedium is the message."
-The Glutenborg Galaxy by Martial McLuney
1. Life in Minnesota
stadium
tedium
tedium
stadium
stadium tedium
stadium tedium stadium
tedium stadium stadium
tedium tedium stadium
sta di um te di um
sta di um te di um
sta di um te di um
sta di um te di um
sta di um te di um
stadiumtediumstadiumtediumstadiumtediumstadiumtediumstadiumtedium
sta te di di um um
state didi umum
statedidiumum
mumuididetats
mumu idid etats
mu mu id id et ats
muidats muidet
2. You Take the E-Road
breakfast lunch dinner
breakfas s lunc s dinne s
breakfa st lun st dinn st
breakf sta lu sta din sta
break stad l stad di stad
brea stadi stadi d stadi
bre stadiu stadiu stadiu
br stadium stadium stadium
b stadium stadium stadium
stadium stadium stadium
community democracy
communit democrac P
communi democra Po
commun democr Poh
commu democ Pohl
comm demo Pohla
com dem Pohlad
co de Pohlad Pohlad
c d Pohlad Pohlad Pohlad
Pohlad Pohlad Pohlad Pohlad
3. Fat Chants
stadium stadium!
sta-di-um-dum!
sta-di sta-di um-um-dum!
sta-di sta-di um-dum-dum!
um-dum um-dum sta-di-um!
sta-di dum-di-dum-di-dum!
dum dum dum dum sta-di-um!
4. Souper Mantra
Um um bad
Um um bad
That's what stadium is
Um um bad
5. Just Due It!
Root in the stydium
squeal a big liedium
never ask whydium
just dues or diedium
6. Seed
We bleed
with need
but feed
the weed
of greed.
Our creed:
we're teed.
7. Stadium Press Release
A podium
(mother lodium)
of toadium
odium.
8. Half-Life in Minnesota
Debt for the stadium
Lives longer than radium.
9. New Meaning
Chamber PACs
and media hacks
yapping flacks
for a sales tax --
revels' bad ol' cats --
give new
meaning to
"devil's advocates".
--David Shove
I wrote most of this over two years ago, and people said, Yeah, but, Dave,
the people have spoken over and over and over and the stadium is DEAD!
Just wait, I said. Yeah, right, they replied. Would they had been right.
Past bitter experience shows that no matter how many stadiums we gift to
the billionaire owners, it's NEVER enough. We will be saddled with this
scam and diversion until the universe freezes at absolute zero, or until
we elect responsible local government, whichever comes first.
--David Shove
Roseville
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