[Purehumour] Friday Funnies

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Wow...Friday The 13th! Here is a word for you:

triskaidekaphobia: Morbid fear of the number 13

So if today terrifies you...you are in good company...especially since they
have a disorder named for it! I am not superstitious...but just to be sure I
am not going near any black cats, walking under ladders and if I spill some
salt...I will toss some over my shoulder. Hope today is a great day...knock
on wood! ;)

Last day today for pre-Christmas orders at Judy's Giftshop...check it out at
<a href=" http://giftshop.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a>

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Megan, The Posens, Wayne,
Kay, D.A. Funk, Greg.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

What's the definition of a bastard?

A man who bonks you all night with a 2 inch penis,
then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Baiting them...
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Early Microscopes...
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���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

CHRISTMAS CAKE

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
REPEAT

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best
to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.

Try another cup.....jus t in case.

Turn off the miserer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the Vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Place the smixture into a sorcepan - thats like a phlyingpan with higher
sidessss...turn the sorcepan 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl
thhtough the window.

Finish the vodka and kick the Cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1960 Randy Stoklos Pacific Palisades CA, beach volleyballer (Olympics-96)
1960 Richard Dent defensive end (Philadelphia Eagles)
1961 Gary Zimmerman NFL tackle (Denver Broncos-Superbowl 32)
1962 Karen Witter California, actress (Tina-One Life to Live)/playmate (March 1982)
1965 Stacy Sunny San Bernadino CA, female infielder (Colorado Silver Bullets)
1967 Deborah Driggs Oakland CA, playmate (March 1990)
1967 Jenn Thompson New York NY, actor (Dee-Harper Valley PTA)
1967 Chris O'Loughlin Los Angeles CA, fencer (Olympics-96)
1967 Jamie Foxx comedian (In Living Color)
1967 Mike Mordecai Birmingham AL, infielder (Atlanta Braves)
1967 Scott Zolak NFL quarterback (New England Patriots)
1968 Carlos Hasselbaink Dutch soccer player (VVV/FC Utrecht/Haarlem)
1968 Shaun Stafford Ocala FL, tennis star (1992 Taipei)
1969 Norm Krumpschmd hockey forward (Team Austria 1998)
1969 Sergei Fedorov Pskov Russia, NHL forward (Detroit, Olympics-silver-1998)
1970 Basit Ali cricketer (exciting Pakistani batsman 1993-)
1970 Elizabeth Patricia Reilly North Providence RI, Miss America-Rhode Island (1996)
1970 George Van Os Jr Houston TX, team handball left back (Olympics-1996)
1970 Tonja Yevette Buford-Bailey Dayton OH, 400 meter hurdler (Olympics-bronze-96)
1971 Johnny Dixon WLAF safety (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1971 Miguel Angel Martinez Soto mariachi
1971 Mike Pelton NFL defensive tackle (Indianapolis Colts)
1972 Craig Sauer NFL linebacker (Atlanta Falcons)
1972 GiGi Gordon Butler PA, Miss America-Pennsylvania (1997)
1973 Christie Clark Los Angeles CA, actress (Carrie Brady-Days of Our Life)
1973 Shandon Anderson NBA forward (Utah Jazz)
1974 Chris Lewis CFL safety (Calgary Stampeders)
1975 Matt LeCroy Anderson SC, baseball catcher (Olympics-bronze-96)
1975 Sarah Brady Miss Universe-New Zealand (1996)
1979 Christina Todd Miss Ohio Teen USA (Miss Congeniality-1997)
1981 Chelsea Hertford actress (Casey-Major Dad)

.....and on this day in history:

1960 Laos General Fumi Nosavang occupies Vientiane
1961 Beatles sign a formal agreement to be managed by Brian Epstein
1962 Relay 1 communication satellite launched
1963 Capitol records signs right of 1st refusal agreement with the Beatles
1964 In El Paso TX, LBJ & Mexican President Gustavo Diaz Ordaz set off an explosion diverting Rio Grande, to reshape US-M�xico border
1965 Algerian President Boum�dienne visits Moscow
1966 1st US bombing of Hanoi
1967 Unsuccessful coup against Greek King Constantine II
1968 President Da Costa e Silva of Brazil disbands parliament/grabs power
1969 Billy Martin fired as Twins' manager
1970 Neil Simon's "Gingerbread Lady" premieres in New York NY
1971 John Sinclair (sentenced to 10 years for selling 2 marijuana joints) is freed
1974 Malta becomes a republic
1975 1st time Saturday Night Live uses a time delay (Richard Pryor hosts)
1976 Longest non-stop passenger airflight (Sydney to San Francisco 13 hours 14 minutes)
1977 Entire University of Evansville basketball team (14 players) die in plane crash
1978 Susan B Anthony dollar, 1st US coin to honor a woman, issued
1979 Strikes against price increases in Gdansk Poland
1981 Polish government declares martial law, arrests Solidarity activists
1982 Earthquake hits Northern Yemen; 2,000 die
1983 9,655 see highest-scoring NBA game: Detroit 186, Denver 184 (3 OT)
1984 Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder suffers 1st stroke
1987 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Kazakhstan/Semipalitinsk USSR
1988 3 men end 29-hour all-466-station subway ride in New York NY
1988 Yasser Arafat addresses UN in Geneva
1989 Forced repatriation of Vietnamese in Hong Kong
1990 President De Klerk of South Africa meets with Nelson Mandela to talk of end of apartheid
1991 Both Koreas sign an accord calling for reconciliation
1992 FCC fines Infinity Broadcasting $600,000
1993 Dow Jones hits record 3764.43
1994 American Eagle commuter plane crashes in North Carolina, killing 15
1995 Christopher Reeve is released from physical rehab center
1996 Free agent Roger Clemens signs with Toronto Blue Jays
1997 63rd Heisman Trophy Award: Charles Woodson, Michigan (CB)

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed
down the stairs toward the safety of the basement.
Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not followed her down.
"Come on, Sidney," she yelled.

"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my
teeth!"

"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What
do you think they're dropping..... pastrami sandwiches?"

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

"Hope for a miracle. But don't depend on one."
-the Talmud

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Go Get Yourself A Dam Job
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Bark Street Boys
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I
accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he
could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer
put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a
convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a
razor and other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us
toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The
hotel manager looked us over.

Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matching
luggage?"

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The primary school teacher was preparing the class for their annual
concert. Some children were to sing songs, others recite poetry and some
to play musical instruments. Little Alfie had just come down from the
country and the teacher asked him if he would like to do some farmyard
impressions. Alfie thought this was a great idea.

On the night of the concert, Alfie nervously walked onto the stage.
"Farmyard noises", he announced. Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, he
yelled at the top of his voice, "Get off that fuckin' tractor, Shut the
fuckin' gate. Get that fuckin' calf outa the yard..."

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem
to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's
political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you
a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

When did the Canadian Pacific Railway complete its transcontinental line?

A. 1858
B. 1865
C. 1878
D. 1885

<Answers in Next Issue!>

08/12

Last Issue's Answers:

When was the first attempt made to construct a tunnel beneath the English Channel?

C. 19th Century


� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

2 People Short
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/43.html ">Click</a>
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Toilet Conversation
<a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/42.html ">Click</a>
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A Sailor met a good looking blonde
at the bar and was trying to get laid
without much success.

"I don't date servicemen," she said,
"but I am curious as to why you sailors
have those two rows of buttons on
your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two dicks,"
the sailor replied.

"Interesting, probably twice as much fun,"
replied the blonde, "let's go to my place
and try them out."

So they did, and after four hours of screwing
the blonde says "Boy that was sure nice,
now that I'm rested and still horny, I want
the other one."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side
of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick,
looked at it and sadly declared "Well, I'll
be damned! He's pouting because he
wasn't FIRST.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

Thursday the 13th sounds much nicer!

<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m774.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m774.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the
other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being
harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and
frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I
wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a
mysterious cod appears (Don't wonder about a cod in the
Caribbean. It was a mysterious cod.) Anyway the cod says,
"Your wish is granted." And lo and behold, Justin turned
into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,
Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found
himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his
old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one
day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his
luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is
turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little
eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a
cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home,
distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the
coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the
door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come
out and see me again."

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark,
the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm
not. That was the old me. I've changed." I've found Cod,
I'm a prawn again Christian."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

An out-of-towner becomes friendly
with Thelma, the waitress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her
up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited.
This is all in the bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her
shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his
room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, "It's in the bible."

An hour later they're in the guys hotel
room and he suggests they undress
and have some fun. He assures Thelma
that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand,
he opens it to the front cover where
someone has written, "Thelma the
waitress is a great lay."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Classic!]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side
of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little
guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take
anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks
away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough
guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great
golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course
at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The
golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says,
"I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in
my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and
says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice
a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is
that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for
a horny priest in a small parish!"

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Thought For The Day
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Jihad This
<a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/017.html ">Click</a>
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

A plastic reindeer complete with Christmas tree
baubles for testicles has had them removed because
of shoppers' complaints.

The reindeer with the golden testicles is a
prominent part of a display at a shopping centre in
Claremont, Cape Town.

But following several complaints from customers,
particularly parents, managers decided Rudolph's
testicles had to go.

The general manager of the company which designed
the display, Hein Conradie, said he hadn't been aware
of the problem until being asked to castrate him.

The golden balls started life as innocent Christmas
tree baubles and were stuck to one of the four rein-
deer used in the display, reports The Independent.

Mr Conradie, of the Display House design company,
said the baubles were "fairly obvious" because of
Rudolph's prominent placing in the display, and were
"anatomically correct for an animal of that size."

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later
he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-
in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are
identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the
judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] D O L L Y T H E D I P [||||]

Winona Ryder's hired lip, Mark Geragos, told Larry King that "Winona is
going to be bigger and better than ever... she's got quite a few roles
in the offing." (USA/12/10)

Among the scripts she's now considering:
"Saks and the Single Girl"
"Fitting Room With a View"
"Edwina Scissorhands"
"What Pricetag Glory"

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send
their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a
beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

He was so pleased with his new hirsute adornment that he had his picture
taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled
"How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You are an idiot; it cost us
a fortune to send you to college, and you haven't even learned to spell yet!

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Barb wire blues...
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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A man accused of trying to kill a friend who gave
him a "wedgie" will stand trial on an attempted
murder charge, a judge ruled.

Daniel Strouss, 19, was attending a Phish concert
last year when Eric Kassoway sneaked up behind him
and yanked up his underwear, according to testimony
at a hearing Thursday.

Strouss, of Richboro, Pennsylvania, held a grudge for
months before shooting Kassoway on June 12, authorities
said.

On the night of the shooting, Strouss drove to Kassoway's
home and waited until Kassoway came home, then shot him
in the arm and leg, authorities said. Kassoway nearly
died from loss of blood.

Strouss' attorney, Al Cepparulo, said he did not dispute
the prosecution's version of events.

"This is a tragedy for the victim. All I can say is my
client is going through therapy," he said last week.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

When does a boy become a man in Afghanistan?

When his diaper moves from his butt to his head.

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Happy Birthday!
by Lynette

Compared to my daughter's tenth birthday, actually having the baby
was a breeze. This was a pregnancy that was marked by daily
vomiting, preterm labor, medication every four hours for the duration
and early delivery with heavy assistance on drugs and the good Lord.

The buying of gifts, dealing with colds, teacher conferences, pre-
teen angst was just the calm before the storm that culminated last
night in her party. It was a sleepover.

Only a parent who has endured the party form known as a sleepover
can appreciate the dread and fear that the word can cause. Even now,
I have trouble saying it out loud.

I'm quite sure my ulcer is bleeding again nicely and I have a
headache because I keep running into walls since I have lost all
coordination due to lack of sleep.

Last night my home had 8 girls, all approximately around ten years
of age, in the living room. Three boys, ages 9, 10 and 11 were in
my bedroom with one cat and two dogs.

An extremely grumpy husband was in my daughter's room with another
cat. The third cat was hiding in the laundry room and I was in my son's
room in the loft bed with the third dog that, by the way, has a
bladder the size of a Rice Krispie.

One of the girls was allergic to cats so that's why all the cats
were kept out of the living room but when a different girl started
throwing up around midnight, the cat in the laundry room got out.

A third girl was nauseated by the vomiting and ran upstairs.
Once I finished cleaning up the bathroom and found the cat, the
nauseated patient started to calm down.

Out went the kitty into the subfreezing temperatures and just ask me
how much I cared. Said cat is still outside and extremely pissed and
is meowing loud enough to summon the Humane Society located across
the street.

However, since the cat ran around the living room during the confusion,
the allergic girl started reacting and then crying because she was
embarrassed by her sneezing. So, by 1:00am I had one girl on Pepto-
Bismol, another on Benadryl, one very mad, cold cat and the rest of
the young ladies still giggling over who thought someone was cute.

The boys had come to get me approximately six times by 1:00am.
Each time to inform me that they "could not sleep." Why couldn't
they sleep? They didn't know. They just wanted me to be aware of
the fact. I rearranged sleeping positions, had sound soothers going,
removed their comic books, calmed down the cat and two dogs in the
room with them, and tried every bribe I could think of to get them to
turn off the lights and shut their eyes.

The dog staying with me had to pee twice with each time necessitating
that I sat up and hit my head on the ceiling because I forgot I was in a
loft bed. Actually, that probably saved my life because the pain
reminded me I had to use the ladder to climb down.

Just as everything was beginning to calm down, my son came barging
down the hallway loud enough to set off all the Furbys in my
daughter's room and demanded I come to his room and break up the
fight between the two dogs and one cat staying with him and his two
friends in my room.

It's 3:00am. Two dogs are locked in the garage. One cat is outside,
extremely pissed off. Another cat is in my room with three boys who
still "can't sleep." They try to blame the soda but it was decaff-
einated. Nice try, guys. The girls have finally settled down.
Dog has peed and I'm ready to climb back into bed.

However, I'm pissed that my husband has slept through all this so on
the way to bed I kick the door to set off the Furbys. After a relaxing
two and half hours of restful slumber, I am awakened again. Dog needs
to pee and all 11 children want to eat breakfast�now.

Outside cat is still pissed and nowhere near losing her voice. Eleven
bowls of cereal and juice are served and approximately 300 Kleenexes
are cleaned up. Dishwasher and washing machine are full and running.
Cats and dogs are fed and out of the house. Girls are outside and boys
are in video game trance.

Husband then asks, "What's for breakfast?" He'd have better luck asking a
Furby.

--

Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]

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