���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! You know what I love about Canada? Holidays...this weekend is a long weekend in most of Canada....for what occasion? NOTHING... just so we could get a long weekend! This is not anyone's special birthday, not a date that is important in Canadian history, not the Queen's birthday or anything like that...it is just a day off work! How cool is that? Speaking of cool....I am hoping for nice weather this weekend....this weekend there is a massive rock festival taking place just over an hour from me...and if the weather holds out... I will be out watching Cheap Trick, Nazareth and Billy Idol party the night away tomorrow night! Now that is a party to be a part of! Have a great weekend...be back on Wednesday! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, SunAmy, George, Barb, D.A. Funk, Ruth, Marsha, Marina, Carol, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Anni suggested a book for Sam to read to enhance their relationship. It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong' ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Tastes funny <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.937 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.937 What's on this guys palm?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.938 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.938 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A hillbilly dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just opened in a nearby village. When they arrived, he took his son to see the teacher. "Howdy," said the hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of learnin' are you teachin'?" "Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy. "Reading, writing, arithmetic." "What's this?" interrupted the father. "Arith....arith...what did you say?" "Arithmetic, Sir," said the teacher, "instruction in algebra, geometry,and trigonometry." "Trigonometry!" cried the delighted hillbilly. "That's what my boy needs. He's the worst darn shot in the family!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1950 Kathryn Harrold Tarzewell Va, actress (MacGruder & Loud) 1951 Andrew Gold Burbank, rocker (Lonely Boy) 1952 Paul David Crews SC, murderer (FBI Most Wanted List) 1955 Roberta Wallach NYC, actress (Civil Wars) 1956 Isabel Pantoja Spain, spanish singer (Genio y Figura) 1959 Britt Helfer Utah, actress (Lily-Loving, Alley Cat) 1960 Apollonia [Patricia Kotero], Santa Monica Ca, actress (Purple Rain) 1960 Linda Fratianne US, figure skater (Olympic-silver-1980) 1967 Aaron Krickstein Ann Arbor, Mich, tennis player (Tel Aviv 1983) 1967 Derek Wells LA Calif, actor (Fitzpatricks) 1973 Kia Goodwin Livingston NJ, actress (Tiffany Holloway-227) 1977 Edward Furlong Pasedina Calif, actor (John Connor-Terminator 2) 1991 Gabriel Anthony Cohen son of Meredith Viera & Richard Cohen .....and on this day in history: 1959 Milwaukee Brave Bill Bruton hits 2 bases loaded triples 1961 Beatles 1st gig as house band of Liverpool's Cavern Club 1961 St Louis Cards (NFL) beat Toronto Argonauts (CFL) 36-7 in Toronto 1962 NASA civilian test pilot Joseph A Walker takes X-15 to 32,600 m 1964 North Vietnam fires on a US destroyer in Gulf of Tonkin 1964 Race riot in Jersey City NJ 1965 Morley Safer's sends 1st Vietnam report indicating we are losing 1966 Radio Vila (New Hebrides) begins transmitting 1967 New Orleans Saints 1st pre-season game, they lose to LA Rams 16-77 1967 US's Lunar Orbiter 5 launched; enters lunar orbit Aug 5 1972 Gold hits record $70 an ounce in London 1975 Billy Martin named manager of NY Yankees (1st time) 1979 Gilda Radner Live From New York opens on Broadway 1980 US swimmers set 3 world records at National championships 1983 STS-8 vehicle moves to launch pad 1983 US District Court begins trying Yonkers accuse of race discrimination 1985 5 die in a train crash in Westminster Colo 1985 NASA launches space vehicle S-209 1986 Jackie Joyner-Kersee (US) sets record for heptathlon (7161 pts) 1986 TODAY/PC born today 1987 Cin Red Eric Davis becomes 7th & earliest 30 HR 30 steal man 1987 Don Brown sets flight record for handbow (1,336 yds 1'3") 1987 Kevin Seitzer (KC Royals), gets 6 hits in one baseball game 1987 Michael Andretti runs fastest Indy car race in history (171.49 MPH) 1988 Raymond Acevedo is retired from singing group Menudo 1988 System Enhancement Assoc settles case with PKware (ARC vs PKARC) 1989 NASA confirmed Voyager 2's discovery of 3 more moons of Neptune designated temporarily 1989 N2, 1989 N3 & 1989 N24 1990 Iraq invades & occupies Kuwait 1991 Funk singer Rick James, arrested on sexual torture charges 1991 Hedy Lamaar is arrested for shoplifting in LA 1991 Space shuttle STS 43 (Atlantis 9) launched �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own age, the old man said, "Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one." ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Under Construction! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? -Abraham Lincoln ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� New way to decide.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.939 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.939 Cop Kid.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.940 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.940 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Out of Work Pornstar <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06e.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06e.html Men Don't Need Instructions <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/23.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/23.html Osamanator <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06d.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06d.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A LETTER TO MY LOVING WIFE - THE INTERNET JUNKIE!: SUBJECT: Update! DATE: 03/13/00 FROM: [EMAIL PROTECTED] TO: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Dear Wife.... I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email. John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off. Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper. Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you. Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died from old age, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job. Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off! Love, Your Husband A LETTER TO MY LOVING HUSBAND - THE INTERNET JUNKIE!: SUBJECT: Monthly Report DATE: 03/13/00 FROM: [EMAIL PROTECTED] TO: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Dear Hubby, Honey, we need to talk! "DON'T" click another URL until you've read this... please. Since you're always busy, I'm using the computer at the library to send you this email. It's been months since you've spent anytime with the family. Actually, we are all getting a little worried about you. Your legs won't straighten out and your eyes are blood red now. I really think you should stop sleeping in that chair even though we did have it made into a recliner with a keyboard tray and extra padding. Remember when I wanted your attention and put too much Viagra in your coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having twins. Have you recovered from that exhausting few days yet? I haven't .....and will "NEVER" do that again no matter how lonely I get! Oh yes.....the doctor said the catheter has to come out hun. You can't leave it in there any longer. You'll have to stop and go to the bathroom or start using your urinal again. Sorry! And.......the leak wasn't the waterbed.....we don't have a waterbed! The kids are all fine. I loaded their school pictures on your web site so you can see how much they have grown. Click on the button that says "Surprise, we've grown up". Jack said he'd trim your beard for you next week. Susie felt so bad when she upset your lunch on the keyboard. Bless her heart, she's like your mother....she's a few fries short of a complete Happy Meal but she tries. I hope everything is working okay now. Oh yes, you don't need to worry about the mouse I wanted you to kill. I got him with one of your golf clubs. The club is a little bent now.....hope that doesn't hurt it. It's kind of like a kinked slinky. I'll write again once the twins are born. Ed, our insurance salesman, is taking me and the kids on a trip so take care. We'll be back in a couple of weeks. Remember not to put both contact lenses in the same eye! Love, Your Wife ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Fart Calendar Pick the day of the month you were born on to see what kind of fart you are! 1-AMBITIOUS Always ready for a fart. 2-LAZY Just fizzles. 3-AMIABLE Likes to smell others farts. 4-SELFISH Only enjoys smelling his own farts. 5-CARELESS Farts in church. 6-SMART ALEC Farts when ladies are present. 7-CLEVER Farts and coughs at same time. 8-SCIENTIFIC Bottles his farts. 9-STINGY Belches instead of farting to save his asshole. 10-FOOLISH Farts and laughs. 11-SHY Blushes even when he farts silently. 12-CONCEITED Thinks he can fart loudest. 13-UNLUCKY Tries to fart and shits pants. 14- TIMID Jumps when he farts. 15-BEWILDERED can't tell his own farts from others. 16-SLOVENLY Farts and fizzles, rots his pants. 17-NERVOUS Stops in middle of fart. 18-MISERABLE Can't fart. 19-CONFUSED Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go. 20-GROUCH Grumbles when ladies fart. 21-SNEAKY Farts and blames it on the dog. 22-DISAPPOINTED Their farts don't stink. 23-FRESH GUY Jumps in front of you and farts. 24-BIG BULLY Farts louder than everyone else. 25-DELUDED Enjoys all farts thinking they are his. 26-CUTE Discovers from farts what others have eaten. 27-WISE Farts and say's "Who in hell let rip??" 28-DAMNED MEAN Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head. 29-MUSICAL Sounds like Wagner. 30-HONEST Farts and blames in on the hostess. 31-LIVELY GUY Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously. ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� While not considered one of the richest countries in the world, on a per-capita basis, Canada's resource endowments place it where? A. First B. Second C. Ninth D. Tenth --- Is one of these answers not a true collective description of a bird group? A. A wedge of swans B. A nest of pheasants C. An ostentation of peacocks D. An exaltation of larks <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is Canada's national anthem? C. O Canada <Actually it is "Oh Canada" - Paul> --- The bowerbirds of Australia and New Guinea got their name from which trait? C. The males building bowers for shelter, which they decorate with colorful objects such as flower petals, feathers, fruit, and even human- made items such as ribbons and tinfoil, to attract the females during courtship. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Sleeping?!? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.941 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.941 Getting engaged... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.942 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.942 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a Sam on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?" "Certainly not!" huffed Sam. The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge, a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at government expense). "Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him. "Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the General. So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small private ceremony, the General was furious. For the sculpture was made in gold. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next sculpture in silver. But again the General was furious. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When the sculpture was revealed to the General, he was overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the General on his deep humility. This notion confused him very much. "But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?" "Why? I'll tell you why," said the General, "Because General Minh prefer bronze!" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Osama License Plate <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06c.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06c.html Bin Ladens Acts Are Unforgiveable <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph5.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph5.html Is That True Love <a href=" http://www.footlonghotdog.net/truelove.htm ">Click</a> http://www.footlonghotdog.net/truelove.htm ���--------------------STREET SCENES (tm)---------------------------��� Seen on vehicle driving in Marietta, Ga: Tag- PAGAN Bumper Sticker: Religion was a form of control for the middle ages. Can't say I agree with that. Actually think that's pretty sad. Young man driving: How can you look around you and think God is/was only a way to control the masses in the past? There are miracles I witness every day. God is very much here and active in this world. I am sorry and sad that you seem to be so lost. We will pray you may find your way one day before it is too late. Street Scenes (TM) An occasional contributor to Purehumour. By CourierAnn Copyright 2002 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, Sam, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink. Angrily Anni yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!" Sam, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly pulling his trousers back up when he looked at Anni and calmly replied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Greg has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass. At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up Greg's ass. After a few days of the force-feeding, Greg says, "Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?" She says, Yes, of course. Why?" He says, "I'd like you to have lunch with me tomorrow." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Strange ideas... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.943 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.943 Batman pest.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.944 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.944 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A northern Indian town believes it's being terrorised by a ghost which pinches women's bottoms. Victims claim to suffer identical scratch marks from its claws, lose consciousness and wake up feeling dizzy. More than 20 attacks have been reported to police in Biswan, Uttar Pradesh. Women in the town have started walking around with padded posteriors. Sub-Divisional Magistrate Akhilesh Singh told the Hindustan Times: "The incidents are for real." Locals are reported to be maintaining nightly vigils on the terraces of homes, holding torches. Dr S P Verma, a medical officer at the local government hospital, said: "The entire town has turned into insomniacs." Residents are also demonstrating in large numbers to protest at the failure of police to do something about the attacks. Police Inspector R D Yadav said: "We have registered at least 20 complaints so far. We can arrest a man, but not a ghost." A team of scientists have arrived in the town to investigate the ghost reports but have so far failed to come up with any conclusive findings. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The "Tide" Commercial that never went to air: Dear Tide, I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have.I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started toberate me about my drinking problem. One thing leads to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well,in fact, that the DNA tests where negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. Yours truly, Gary Condit ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] S N I F F S S N U F F P L U C K E R [||||] A gamble capital coroner has ruled that Who bassist John Entwhistle's demise in a Vegas strip suite was due to a cocaine induced ticker attack and not a drug overdose. (LA Times) Dr. John Feelgood is the medical examiner of Euphemism County. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator. "Excuse me," she asked, "but are you Bill Clinton?" The man cleared his throat, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am." "Oh," she gushed, "I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Clinton. And now that we're together," she continued throatily, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do; I'm inviting you back to my room, where I'll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face..." "I don't know," said Clinton, thinking it over. "What's in it for me? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Books gone.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.945 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.945 Airhead.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.946 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.946 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� In a physics lab course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class... At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so: "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell silent until one wise young man raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Bud?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com Sugar and Spice by Dave Glardon It was about twenty-two years ago that I found out I was going to be a father. What a feeling! A little boy to take camping and fishing, to someday carry on the family name. Wow! Only problem is, my two sons were born without the required equipment. The doctor told me that, in their condition, they had to be considered girls. It's a legal thing. But I was determined not to let that stop me from being the perfect dad. The only problem is I really didn't know much about girls. I still don't, for that matter. When our oldest was five and getting ready to start school, I took her to the doctor for a physical. It was a day of bonding. It was also a day of awakening. At the end of the exam, the doctor handed me a cup and said he needed a urine sample. So I took her to the restroom, handed her the cup, and told her to fill it up. Simple enough, huh? "How?" "What do you mean, how? You just fill it up." "How?" "Uh, well, I guess you just kind of hold it down there and go till it's full. Then you put the lid on, and bring it back to me. Oh, and don't forget to rinse it off." "Daddy, I can't do that!" Okay, the kid was only five. She'd never been asked to do this before, and she needed some help. Besides, I'm Super Dad. I can handle this. So I did what any dad would do. I asked the first woman who walked by if she'd mind helping with a rather delicate problem. Okay, so that wasn't such a smart idea. Try handing a sample cup to a woman you've never met before. After I picked myself up from the floor, I reluctantly took my daughter into the restroom. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I stood there for a full ten minutes trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation, all the while cursing my wife for not coming with us. This was definitely not in my contract. Okay, Super Dad, how does this work? I thought about having her sit on the toilet, but that would involve reaching into unfriendly territory and hoping for the best. Sorry, but I didn't like the odds. So I had her stand up while I held the cup under her. This seemed to be the safest way. Of course, I was operating under the assumption that little girls have some level of muscular control over their bladder. I was wrong. Everything went according to plan until the cup was nearly full. "Okay, stop." "Huh?" she asked in disbelief. "Stop. Now! Stop! Hey, I'm not kidding! STOOOOOOP!" Okay, so I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree. As the cup ran over, there was little I could do but pull it out of the way and let nature take its course. It didn't help that she was laughing uncontrollably. By the time she was done, there wasn't a dry spot on the floor. I did the right thing and helped her clean it up. After all, it wasn't entirely her fault. As we left, I tried to sell her on the merits of not telling Mom. Okay, I tried bribing her with a hot fudge sundae, but even that didn't work. Oh, she agreed to it. But after the ice cream was gone, I found out the true meaning of integrity. I learned a lot that day. I learned that little girls don't necessarily have little bladders. I learned that a bribe is only as good as the person accepting it. And I learned that straight chlorine isn't the ideal way to clean your hands. Two years ago, my grandson was born. Finally, a little boy to take camping and fishing, and carry on the family name. Finally, a chance for revenge. In a few years my daughter will have to take him for a school physical. Not that I'd wish anything bad on her, but if I know anything about little boys, I'll see justice on that glorious day. It's just a hunch. And when I do, my grandson just might see a brand new twenty-dollar bill. -- Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense of the nineties. You can visit his Website at http://www.daveglardon.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Naughty-amateur.com <a href="http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique Peemasters.com <a href="http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique Perfectorgy.com <a href="http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique Pornwannabe.com <a href="http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique Secretfetish.com <a href="http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique Soapboys.com <a href="http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique Sweetcherrys.com <a href="http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique Teenfactory.com <a href="http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique Upskirtschool.com <a href="http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique xxxtryouts.com <a href="http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique More adult sites: www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. 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