���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> Well another weekend is upon us...temperatures up here in Manitoba are way below normal as fall sets into the air. But at least we don't feel the wrath of Isadore! She was a little bit nasty to the southern states and Mexico, after a relatively calm hurrican season! Don't forget to enter your name in the contest to win a signed copy of Kim Burke's new book. Details are in todays Editorial section. The book was delayed just slightly...it was supposed to be available in mid-August but some publishing delays and an update to the Martha Stewart chapter moved the date back a bit....but someone will win a copy this weekend! Today's issue includes contributions by: Lynn, Terri, SunAmy, Joe, Laura, Barb, Keli, Gene, John, Tina, Marie. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Why did Raggedy Ann keep getting thrown out of the toy box???? She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face yelling Lie to me Lie to me. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� WANTED : Someone for leg work. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.241 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.241 Doing Cross something... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.243 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.243 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: ATTENTION PUREHUMOUR READERS: FREE Report, "How to Write A Book On Anything in 14 Days or Less! GUARANTEED! Fiction or Non, get an agent in 36 hours, blueprint your entire book in 2-hours, create 'technologies' no one else has, buy a best-selling plot for 75 cents, create a non- stop client magnet, create demand for your book without ever leaving home, get an editor FREE, and much more! <a href=" http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ">Click</a> http://www.writeabooknow.com/welcome/write1928now ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� 1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes very good money. 2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you and show you a good time. 3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you when you want to. 4. It is important to find a man that is considerate of your moods. 5. It is important that these four men never meet !! ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1941 Don Cornelius TV show host (Soul Train) 1943 Randy Bachman Winnipeg, rocker (Bachman-Turner Overdrive-Roll On) 1945 Misha Dichter Shanghai China, pianist (Tchaikowsy 2nd prize-1966) 1947 A Martinez Glendale Calif, actor (Whiz Kids, Cruz-Santa Barbara) 1947 Cheryl Tiegs Minnesota, model's figure 1947 Liz Torres Bronx NY, actress (Phyllis, All in the Family) 1947 Meatloaf aka Marvin Lee Aday, Dallas, rocker (Bat Out of Hell) 1949 Mike Schmidt 3rd baseman & HR hitter (Phillies) 1949 Robb Weller TV host (Entertainment Tonight, Home Show) 1952 Del Russel Pasadena Calif, actor (Richard-Arnie) 1952 Dumitru Prunariu 1st Romanian space traveler (on board Soyuz 40) 1958 Shaun Cassidy LA Calif, actor/singer (Hardy Boys, Breaking Away) 1959 Beth Heiden Madison Wisc, 3000m speed skater (Olympic-bronze-1980) 1963 Caren Metschuck German DR, 100m butterfly swimmer (Olympic-gold-1980) 1970 Mark Caldero vocalist (Color Me Badd-I Want to Sex You Up) .....and on this day in history: 1950 Heavyweight champ Ezzard Charles defeats Joe Louis 1953 Bert Bechichar, Baltimore Colts, kicks a 56-yard field goal 1953 Typhoon destroys 1/3 of Nagoya Japan 1954 School integration begins in Wash DC & Baltimore Md public schools 1954 Steve Allen's "Tonight Show" premiers 1959 Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev concludes his US visit 1959 Typhoon Vera, hits Japanese island of Honshu, kills nearly 5,000 1961 Sierre Leone becomes the 100th member of the UN 1962 US sells Israel, Hawk anti-aircraft missiles 1963 At 10:59 AM the census clock, records US population at 190,000,000 1964 Phillies 7th straight loses sends them into 2nd place 1964 Warren Commission released, finding Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone 1967 Phillies Jim Bunning ties NL record of 5, 1-0 losses in a year 1968 Cardinal's super pitcher Bob Gibson's 13th shutout of the year 1970 Ken Boswell sets 2nd baseman record of 85 games without an error 1972 1st game at Nassau Coliseum, Rangers beat Islanders 6-4 (exhibition) 1973 Nolan Ryan strikesout his 383rd batter of the year 1973 Soyuz 12 carries 2 cosmonauts into Earth orbit (2 days) 1977 Phillies clinch 2nd straight NL East Division title 1979 Congress' final approval to create Dept of Education 1980 WHOT (Bkln NY pirate radio station) begins on 1620 AM & 92.5 FM 1982 John Palmer becomes news anchor of the Today Show 1985 Hurricane Gloria's 130 MPH wind hits the Atlantic coast 1986 Senate joins House of Reps voting for sweeping tax reforms 1987 NFL players' strike 1988 Grand jury evidence shows Tawana Brawley fabricated rape story 1988 Lab tests reportedly show Shroud of Turin not Christ`s burial cloth 1988 Senate votes for major federal tax code changes 1989 Sony purchases Columbia Pictures for $3.4 billion cash 1990 A gunman holds 33 people (killing 1) hostage in Berkley Calif 1990 Deposed emir of Kuwait address the UN General Assembly 1990 Senate Judiciary committee approves Souter's Supreme Court nomination 1990 Tour de France champion Greg LeMond visits White House 1991 "Princesses" premiers on CBS TV 1991 Pres Bush decides to end full-time B-52 bombers alert 1991 1st scheduled NHL exhibition game in St Petersburg Fla, is cancelled due to poor ice conditions (NY Islanders vs Boston Bruins) �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words, "Turn the box over." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� "All we are say_____ing ... is give peace a chance!" Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out" -Steven Wright ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Sticks N Stones <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/009.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/009.htm Sex On The Brain <a href=" http://ninasplace.com/010.htm ">Click</a> http://ninasplace.com/010.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday." Just recently, I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you gave them to me." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� A tale of two Heidi's... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.247 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.247 That's disgusting... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.269 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.269 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. I finally realised the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight. The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please." "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need a television." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� I was just thinking, any clumsy person can break a glass, a vase, or a dish. But only a woman can break water. ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Where is the International Clown Hall of Fame? A. Milwaukee, Wisconsin B. Cleveland, Ohio C. Liverpool, England D. Naples, Italy 08/09 <Answer in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: The tallest of all animals, the giraffe has an extremely long and muscular neck. Most mammals have seven neck vertebrae. How many does the giraffe have? B. 7 --- Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, was the site for the first public ____? C. Airport � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Pay Attention <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/pay.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/pay.htm Keep The Seat Down <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha4.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/sasha4.htm ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident. "She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said. Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story. One said to the other, "There's a book?" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! Sept 27 2001 <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m720.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m720.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Rick, Rob and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Rob decided to takedvantage of this and lifted up her skirt, pushed her panties to one side and gave her a good look. "Its your turn now, Rick" grinned Rob, but Rick started crying. "Why are you crying, Rick?" Rick sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings.." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Phoebe <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjphoebe.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjphoebe.html Bunny Strip Poker <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bunstrippoker.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bunstrippoker.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An old farmer was walking past a neighbours farm one day when he noticed him in the process of digging a very large and deep hole. "What are you doing?" the farmer asked. "I'm burying my faithful old plough mule" replied the neighbour. The farmer bid his neighbour adieu and turned away shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself "Man, what an ass hole." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Discount Acupuncture <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/discountacu.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/discountacu.htm Medicine Man <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/medman.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/medman.htm ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A guard dog which was bought by a Swansea family following a number of break-ins, has been stolen. The Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Oz went missing from Sharon Stevens' home on the city's Townhill housing estate. The dog has not proved itself as a guard animal having been attacked and injured by the family's cat. The Western Mail says Oz was brought in after the house was broken into and bicycles belonging to her three children were stolen. Sharon said: "Oz is scary looking but dull. He is valuable and it looks like he was deliberately taken." Police are looking into the disappearance of Oz, described as short, plump and with ginger markings on his back. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The ubiquitous Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his Mom, "Do Blacks go to heaven with their legs up in the air?" His Mom replied, "Why do you ask such a thing?" Little Johnny responded, "The maid is out in the garage with her legs up in the air screaming, 'Lawdy, lawdy I'sa cummin'. and I think she would have if Daddy wasn't holding her down." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] H O M E I M P R O V E M E N T [||||] The Israeli army bombarded Yasser Arafat's Ramallah, West Bank compound with tank fire. (AP) An Israeli spokesman explained that it was for one of those new TV shows where they sneak in and perform a makeover of your apartment while you're out. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic] A lady got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed, she noticed that everyone had a name-tag except her. She went to her supervisor and asked why she did not have a name-tag yet. The supervisor said, "You'll have to see the president for that." The lady made an appointment and saw the president of the company. She asked him why she did not yet have a name-tag. The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his thing flop out on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you see THIS? This here is QUALITY! And here at the Zenith Corporation, QUALITY goes IN before the name goes on." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What is he missing?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.271 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.271 Hey, these things happen... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.14 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.14 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A pair of robbers in Germany dubbed Dumb and Dumber left their ID cards and the cash behind after a bank raid. The offenders, from Recklingshausen, have been sentenced to 33 months jail. Marcel Koenig, 23 and Rocco Moeller, 33 were arrested half an hour after the failed heist. The cashier asked for their ID cards which they put on the counter after they pretended to want to open new accounts. Rocco then pulled a pistol and demanded cash. Employees collected $5000 from the safe and handed it over to the men who then ran out of the bank, forgetting to take the cash but also leaving their cards behind. Koenig told the court in Recklingshausen he realised his mistake as soon as he got out of the bank but by then it was too late. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Why was the nearsighted fly starving? He couldn't see shit. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Contest ENDS this weekend...get your entries in now...YOU could be the lucky winner! WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com BASE BEHAVIOR by Dick Wolfsie Did you read the story about the father and son who attended a professional baseball game together and in the fifth inning rushed the field and beat the pulp out of the first base coach? One of the excuses offered by the father was that first the base coach was making obscene gestures. Had these guys never been to a ball game? That's what a first base coach is paid to do. Finger in the air, hand on your butt: Lay down a bunt. Finger toward your nose, hand between your legs: Take the next pitch. Wave your hand toward your crotch, put your finger in your ear: Go to second. I'm a family man myself, always looking for something to do with my 15-year-old son, so the idea of a father and son getting together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and attacking a coach is the kind of creative activity that can make the father/son bond even stronger. It is tough to find cool things to do with kids nowadays and no father wants to be called a square, so maybe we shouldn't come down too hard on this guy- although he had no problem coming down really hard on the first base coach. I'm sure that this father had been unsuccessful at getting his son to the ballet or symphony and was kinda put out by the youngster's anti-opera feelings. I'm sure the father's suggestion to beat up a first base coach was a sort of last-ditch effort to find some activity the two could enjoy together. Let's cut the father some slack here. And where was the mother?. This is so typical of men today-Dad finally came up with a fun idea for a Sunday afternoon and he never mentioned it to Mom. The little woman was probably home doing the dishes, knitting socks or working on her left jab.. Then she turned on the TV, only to discover that her husband and son were out pummeling a perfect stranger and she wasn't invited to come along. And you wonder why women get depressed. I think we should consider similar activities that will let fathers and sons become even closer. FATHER AND SON CARJACKING: A car, a dad and his son. What could be more American, more apple pie? And sometimes Dad should let Junior drive, assuming he's of legal age. Letting a boy steal a car without a valid license is, well, setting a bad example. FATHER AND SON LIGHT BULB SNATCHING: A great way to get better acquainted on a Saturday afternoon that teaches life skills like sleight of hand, misdirection and concealment. Don't underestimate the value of petty crimes when it comes to your kids. There's a lesson around every corner. And on every ceiling. FATHER AND SON SHOPLIFTING: What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday. Just the guys out at the local Wal-Mart stuffing their pockets with loot from the jewelry department. You can teach your son the value of being a smart consumer and show him how even a run-of-the-mill shoplifter does better than a highly trained Wal-Mart greeter. FATHER AND SON PUBLC INDECENCY: There is no better way to bond with your number one son than being caught in a public area without your shirt and pants. A boy may forget the week his family took him to Disney, but spending a night, buck naked in the slammer with your father is a memory that never fades. I think the most important lesson here is to be available to your kids. We are all busy, but it is important to give our kids time. In this case, I think the father will also get some time. I'd guess six months to a year. -- Dick Wolfsie is a columnist at www.wishtv.com where he works as a reporter. He also has a new book out which coincidentally is called "Dick Wolfsie's New Book." The book is available on the website. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! 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