���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a>
Good Day and welcome to the final issue of Purehumour for 2003! Yes it is
time for my Christmas break...and with the weather outside looking like
Christmas...today is as good a time as any! Schools were closed here
yesterday as we got dumped on big time! Today the wind is blowing and
the snow is drifting! Santa better get some chains on that sleigh! ;)
Anyway...Purehumour will be gone until Tuesday January 7th 2003...and
as is tradition with me...there will be some changes to the ezine when it
returns. I am working on a couple of things right now that I hope to have
in place for next year. So for now it is goodbye...and from my family to
your family I wish you all the best of the season...keep it safe and please
don't drink and drive.
Paul
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Kat, Tara, Papa Thorn, Wayne,
Greg, John, Marsha, Elejay.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:
Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Complaint dept...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1070 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1070
Open the jar...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1069 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1069
���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Getting lost in the auction shuffle? Take a step
into a NEW auction future...NO LISTING FEE...relist
for FREE until you sell! Need a new place to sell
your wears...then give SellAtOnce.com a visit:
<a href=" http://www.sellatonce.com ">Click</a>
http://www.sellatonce.com
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A nice sweet letter:
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold
sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the
school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my
daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I
had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt
in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore
free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any
color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the
breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine
somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a
television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals,
and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained
toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip
all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your
hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my
children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the
In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas
miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the
house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized
crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to
eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe
trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and
dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on
the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always.....Mom
PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
LIKE MY LIST?
Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?
Vote Now :
<a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a>
���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1960 Carolyn Seaward Devonshire England, Miss United Kingdom (1979)
1960 John Fitzgerald Australia, tennis star
1960 Piet Keur Dutch soccer player/trainer, (SC Heerenveen)
1961 Bonnie Marino Cleveland OH, playmate (June 1990)
1961 Gale Gilbert NFL quarterback (San Diego Chargers)
1961 Nate Newton NFL guard (Dallas Cowboys)
1962 Thomas Newberry NFL guard (Pittsburgh Steelers)
1963 Pam Casale Camden NJ, tennis player (Marco Island finals 1985)
1963 Karen Moncrieff Sacramento CA, actress (Xtro 3, Days of Our Lives)
1966 Chris Robinson Atlanta GA, rocker (Black Crowes-Shake Your Money Maker)
1966 Ed de Goey Dutch soccer goalie (Feyenoord)
1966 Tim Hauck NFL safety (Denver Broncos, Seattle Seahawks)
1967 Duncan Kennedy Burlington CA, luger (Olympics-1994)
1967 Wendy Hamilton Detroit MI, playmate (December 1991)
1969 Bobby Phills NBA guard (Cleveland Cavaliers, Charlotte Hornets)
1970 Dino Felicetti hockey forward (Team Italy 1998)
1970 Grant Flower cricketer (brother of Andy Zimbabwe Test opening batsman)
1970 Jason Simmons CFL/WLAF defensive tackle (Roughriders, Claymores)
1970 Scott Slutzker tight end (Indianapolis Colts)
1970 Tony Semple NFL guard (Detroit Lions)
1970 Travis Green Castlegar, NHL center (New York Islanders)
1971 Jerry Ellison NFL running back (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1972 Jan Caloun hockey forward (Team Czechoslovakia Olympics-gold-1998)
1972 Jonathan Wyatt Lower Hutt New Zealand, 5000 meter (Olympics-96)
1973 Barry Stokes WLAF offensive linesman (Rhein Fire)
1973 Cory Stillman Peterborough, NHL center (Calgary Flames)
1973 Jenny Boucek WNBA guard (Cleveland Rockers)
1973 Muadianvita Kazadi linebacker (St Louis Rams)
1974 Augie Ojeda Los Angeles CA, baseball infielder (Olympics-bronze-96)
.....and on this day in history:
1960 Auschwitz-commandant Richard B�r arrested in German Federal Republic
1962 The Osmond brothers debut on the Andy Williams Show
1963 Berlin Wall opens for 1st time to West Berliners
1964 Levi Eshkol forms Israeli government
1966 Brussels: Nuclear Planning Group established
1967 "The Graduate", starring Dustin Hoffman & Anne Bancroft, premieres
1969 Peter, Paul & Mary's "Leaving on a Jet Plane" reaches #1
1970 Edward Gierek succeeds Wladyslaw Gomulka as Poland's party leader
1971 Pakistan President Yahya Khan resigns
1972 Neil Simons "Sunshine Boys" premieres in New York NY
1973 Montr�al Canadien Henri Richard scores his 1,000th NHL point
1974 George Harrison releases his "Dark Horse" album in UK
1975 Joe Walsh recruited to join Eagles
1977 1st Space walk made by G Grechko from Salyut
1978 H R Haldeman, Nixon's White House chief of staff released from jail
1980 USSR formally announces death of Alexei Kosygin
1981 Doug Small (Winnipeg Jets) ties NHL record scoring at 5 second mark
1983 Guy Lafleur, Montr�al, becomes 10th NHLer to score 500 goals
1983 PLO chairman Yasser Arafat & 4,000 loyalists evacuate Lebanon
1984 33 unknown Bach keyboard works found in the Yale library
1985 Howard Cosell retires from television sports after 20 years with ABC
1986 White teenagers beat blacks in Howard Beach NY
1987 Worst peacetime shipping disaster, Dona Paz ferry sinks after
collision with oil tanker Vector; 1,749 confirmed deaths (probably closer
to 3,000)
1988 NBC signs lease to stay in NYC, 33 more years
1990 Pentagon warns Saddam Hussein that US air power is ready to attack on
1/15
1991 NHL grants permanent membership to Tampa Lightning & Ottawa Senators
1992 Northwest & KLM introduce a new joint logo "Worldwide Reliability"
1993 Donald Trump weds Marla Maples
1995 American Flight 965 crashes in Colombia, 159 die, 5 survive
1998 Wendy's Three-Tour Golf Challenge
1999 Portugal returns Macau to China
�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer--every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen--had to be
female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass
man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get
lost.
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free!
Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in
addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a>
http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html
���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is
not the
reason we are doing it."
-Richard Feynman
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Singles Chat Room
<a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08j.html ">Click</a>
http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-08j.html
Bad Hair Day
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj12.htm ">Click</a>
http://ezinesetc.com/jj12.htm
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
The X-mas Files
57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH
Mulder: We're too late! It's already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas
fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the
chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone ... or something.
Scully: Mulder, over here-it's a fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find
out who's naughty and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid
entity who could travel at great speed in a craft
powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near
the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend
from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by
parents to frighten children. Surely you don't
believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out
the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore
through this plate of cookies was massive-and in a
hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder,
this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing
can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get
in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no
sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the
fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some
huge creature landed on the roof and came down this
chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six
inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move
in all directions at once?
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this,
but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the
creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding
its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red
and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away,
and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the
facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my
mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew
that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!
Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to
disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe
in some supernatural being who soars across the skies
and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen
to what you're saying. Do you understand the
repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the
X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're
sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio
telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over
twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a
Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized
Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo,
in Washington, D.C. Nobody-not even the zookeeper-was
told about it. The government doesn't want people to
know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this
thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending
half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy.
Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let
the world believe this creature lives. There's too
much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure
another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I-
Mulder: Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
Scully: On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���
Rap confession
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1068 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1068
New evolution...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1067 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1067
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Anni walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of head-
phones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut -
but, "don't touch the headphones o.k.?"
"Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback -
but happy for the work.
Three weeks later, Anni returned and asked for another
haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do
... don't touch the headphones"
"No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her
another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks
later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't
touch the headphones" said Anni.
This time, just as the hairdresser was finishing, she couldn't
resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. Anni
promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop.
"Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser.
She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing ... "breathe in ... breathe out ...
breathe in ... breathe out ...
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down"
in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action
from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what
would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well
these folks found out the HARD way!
<a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html";>Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html
���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do
to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If it weren't for women Men's dicks would rust
���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���
Quiz Queen will return next year!
Last Issue's Answers:
France was the site of the first bus service. Which century was it established?
A. 17th century
� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Catching a Groom
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj13.htm ">Click</a>
http://ezinesetc.com/jj13.htm
Virgin & Slut Airlines
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/jj14.htm ">Click</a>
http://ezinesetc.com/jj14.htm
���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���
<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>
Old man Katz is living at the nursing home for
years.
His roommate, Cohen, walks in and sees Katz
sitting naked in the room, wearing only a top
hat.
"Why are you sitting here naked?" Cohen asks.
"Its all right," says Katz. "Nobody comes to
visit."
"But why the top hat?" Cohen asks.
"Well, maybe somebody will come."
<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
If you need your Purehumour fix over the next couple of weeks....
please take the time to check out the archives:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
December 20th 2000
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m579.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m579.html
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���
A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who
was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on
peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass!"
���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���
Strip BlackJack With Regina
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjregina.html
Play Mario
<a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/mario.html ">Click</a>
http://humorcorner.com/dmp/mario.html
If They Mated - Kate Moss & Lenny Kravitz
<a href=" http://ninasplace.com/020.htm ">Click</a>
http://ninasplace.com/020.htm
If They Mated - Derek Jeter & Anna Kournikova
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated5.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated5.html
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Computer Generated Santa Letter
Are you too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa?
Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting
for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll]
[Obese
Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive
aggressive]
[manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy] [girl] [TV watcher]
[advertising
tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often]
[rarely] [never]
helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's
"special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework]
[taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me......
[nice]
[polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love]
[presents] [blank
checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy,
please
bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of
menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise]. For my daddy, please bring a
new......
[neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription]
[topaz-studded
ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister], please
bring......
[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone]
[Newport
Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my......
[doggy]
[hamster] [ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater]
[kibble]
[breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-surgical
sterilization]. Oh �
and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case
worker],
please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work
ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo]
[Spider
Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action
figures]
[videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet
paper], and
front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter]
[Mary-Kate and
Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] � plus backstage passes so I can get......
[autographs]
[behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don't
forget to
bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT
6.0] [amputee
Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything
Santa, what
I really really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000]
[$1,000,000]
[$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O]
[meatloaf]
[cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love],
[Sincerely],
[Yours],
[Breathlessly],
[ insert name here ]
PS: Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to...... [Rudolph]
[Mrs. Claus]
[the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been a
really......
[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener]
[cry-baby] [coprophile] [vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't
deserve any
Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put...... [coal] [sticks]
[homework]
[dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks Pal,
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
�2002 chickenhead productions, inc.
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles
to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour!
Get YOUR FREE CD today:
<a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan
with a plum in it.
The bartender says, "You mean a cherry."
She says, "No, I mean a plum."
The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending
bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever
asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get
that idea?"
She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my
cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Act Stupid
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/25.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/25.htm
Beer
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/26.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/26.htm
���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���
Brothel owners in Slovakia are shutting down over
Christmas.
It is after business dropped massively when some
stayed open over the festive period last year.
A manager of a brothel in the west Slovak town of
Hrasne told the Novy Cas daily: "We opened for
Christmas day but there wasn't a customer in
sight.
"For months after that business went bad and I've
been superstitious ever since."
Others are following the same lead after the claim
was reported in a local paper and closing their
doors over the holidays.
But some have said they are shutting up shop for
more simple reasons.
One brothel owner in the capital, Bratislava, said:
"It's not worth it. Travelling businessmen are on
holidays and married men have a difficult time coming
up with excuses for their wives."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
Dear," he said.
"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."
"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.
With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"
���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���
[||||] R O A D I S L A N D D E A D [||||]
A Consumer Reports study found that half of the pullets purched in
supermarkets are tainted with bacteria most commonly associated with
food poisoning. (LAD/12/16)
Consumers are advised to avoid chickens than come with a Pepto Bismol
marinade, have a label imprinted with the Centers For Disease Control
800 number or are packed and distributed by E. Coli Poultry Inc.
Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
���---------------------SEASONS GREETINGS-------------------���
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU ALL!!!!!
Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Albanian -- Gezuar Krishtlindje
American - Merry Christmas
Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Celtic Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Chinese -
(Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
(Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Gladelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Northern Sotho Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa.
Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Papiamento Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
Pig Latin Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Feliz Natal
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian - Craciun Fericit
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad!
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Waray Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
Zulu: Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni
���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------���
Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a>
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
10 Commandments...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1066 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1066
Crazy postcard...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1065 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1065
���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���
Two aspiring but hapless carjackers let two victims
slip through their clutches because the would-be
crooks couldn't shift for themselves.
Speaking strictly in transmission terms, that is.
Apparently neither of the suspects could drive a
manual transmission.
The man and gun-toting woman had to abandon the two
vehicles they tried to swipe Monday night when they
couldn't make either machine move, said Milwaukee
police Capt. Joseph M. Purpero.
"Apparently neither of the suspects could drive a
manual transmission," Purpero explained.
Instead of stalking the driver of a car with full
power and all the toys, the pair chose to demand the
keys to a 1990 Toyota Tercel from a woman outside a
tavern.
The 22-year-old victim complied, and the crooks piled
into the Tercel, but piled right out again when they
discovered the economy car was PRNDLess.
" . . . Leaving the keys inside," Purpero noted.
Not sure she was out of danger, the 22-year-old made
a beeline for the tavern, but the male carjacker tried
to block her path.
Enter victim No. 2, a 40-year-old man apparently on his
way to the tavern who attempted to intervene on the
woman's behalf, Purpero said. The undaunted crooks turned
their gun on him and demanded his ignition keys.
He, too, complied quickly, leaving the robbers in possess-
ion of a pickup truck - with a stick shift.
Within minutes both jumped out of the truck and fled west-
bound on foot in the 700 block of E. Wright St. - presumably
in search of a driving school.
The suspects were still at large Wednesday, but police had
good descriptions of them.
���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno. They all run away when the light goes on...
���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���
"SO HARD TO KICK THE HABIT"
As a nonsmoker, I've often wondered why people smoke, why
they endanger their health, why they don't just quit. I've
heard, of course, that smoking is addictive, but until
reading the results of a European survey, I didn't realize
how strong the addiction can be. The survey found that most
smokers would find it easier to give up sex for a month than
cigarettes.
Having barely made it through my wife's recent pregnancy,
I'm finally beginning to understand how hard quitting
smoking must be. The survey has put it in terms I can
understand, made me realize that anyone who quits smoking
deserves nothing less than a presidential medal of honor.
Such people are true heroes, worthy of great adulation. We
should glorify them with statues and parades and national
holidays. We should name streets and stadiums after them. We
should erect signs that say, "God bless former smokers" and
"There's nothing better than a quitter."
OK, maybe I'm getting a little carried away, but I can't
help feeling amazed that many smokers have managed to
quit, considering that cigarettes -- with all the nicotine
they contain -- are more addictive than the only form of
recreation in parts of West Virginia. (Other than collecting
hub caps.)
The survey of 2,000 smokers was conducted in six European
countries, with Britain boasting the highest proportion of
respondents (80%) who enjoy sex, but would rather get
intimate with a cigarette.
"I always smile after sex," said one British woman, "because
I can finally have myself a smoke."
"It's not that I don't enjoy sex," said a married woman.
"It's just that a cigarette lasts longer. And if I suddenly
decide that I don't want to finish the cigarette, nobody
complains. Nobody screams and runs to the shower."
Even in France, a land where lovemaking is an art form,
nearly 70% would rather create an abstract work -- on their
X-rays. "If you want to see true love in action, come to my
house," said one man. "Every night, my wife undresses, comes
to bed and starts smoking. I don't complain, because I know
which butt she'll throw out of bed. I once told her that it
isn't safe to smoke in bed and she reminded me, rather
coldly, that it's better to smoke in bed than be a joke in
bed."
But it's not just women whose lives would be rough without a
puff. Many men are just as hooked. "The thing about
cigarettes," said another man, "they don't ask for a
commitment. They just come into your life and never leave.
You might get rid of them for a few days, but they keep
returning, keep visiting you, like a bunch of bad
relatives."
Indeed, the survey found that nicotine is so addictive that
even after a heart attack, 60% of smokers light up again.
They know that smoking kills half of all lifetime smokers,
they know they're lucky to be alive, yet only the most
determined ones manage to quit.
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about your
declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford
cigarettes."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
send a blank
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------���
The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material
that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such
material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning!
****NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW****
Free Pantyhose Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=35&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=35&u=purehumour
Free Pervert Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=12&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=12&u=purehumour
Free Petite Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=13&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=13&u=purehumour
Free Plumper Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=104&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=104&u=purehumour
Free Porn Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=37&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=37&u=purehumour
Free Pornstar Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=38&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=38&u=purehumour
Free Pornstar Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=100&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=100&u=purehumour
Free Redhead Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=14&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=14&u=purehumour
Free Russian Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=39&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=39&u=purehumour
Free Schoolgirl Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=67&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=67&u=purehumour
Free Shemale Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=40&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=40&u=purehumour
Free Shemale Yearbook
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=95&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=95&u=purehumour
Free Smoking Ezine
<a href=" http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=41&u=purehumour ">Click</a>
http://www.freeezinebucks.com/ps.php?s=41&u=purehumour
���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------���
When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message
in place.
None of this material is considered copyright...it is
considered in the public domain. If any material is
copyrighted please notify me at <a href="
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a>
and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various
sources and submitters names have been included when given.
Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour!
Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a>
Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in
advertising on Purehumour??
Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM
More details?
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a>
Email submissions to:
Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a>
Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002
All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town
Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the
publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the
spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this
issue...please hit delete!
Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour...
this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original
author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed
written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour
is strictly prohibited!
The BEST Lists around:
Purehumour (the Original)-Sent Almost Daily:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe
">Purehumour</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>
PHWeekly (Purehumour Lite) - Sent Saturdays
Subscribe: <a href="
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">PHWeekly</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>
Weird News Ezine (A clean look at bizarre news) - Sent Saturdays
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe
">Weird News Weekly</a>
or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a>
To cancel (unsubscribe) from these mailings...please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html
">Unsubscribe Page</a>
These are the worst jokes in history...the jokes that were banned from
Purehumour...get them now! Send a blank email to: <this is an autoresponder>
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Banned Jokes</a>
Archives at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a>
Website: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ">Homepage</a>
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- [Purehumour] Friday Funnies Purehumour Family Autobot
- Purehumour Family Autobot
