���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop receiving these mailings then please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a> Guess what! TODAY is Friday...I thought it was Friday yesterday! ;) So this is the start of the Thanksgiving/Columbus Day Long Weekend! Just goes to show how much I was ready to celebrate! Enjoy your long weekend drive safely...don't indulge too much! Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Rubin, Donna, Barb, Marina, DA Funk. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: Q: Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet? A black guy with a gun, a Puerto Rican with a knife, and a gay man with a chipped tooth. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� What a mess... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.642 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.642 A nervous bunch... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.643 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.643 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!! LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!! WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!! A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!! No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire cheese sandwich through your nose. It makes a great gift. Order a copy today. Click the link for more info. <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� These are truisms that only kids can express. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."- Rebecca - age 8 "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."- Billy - age 4 "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5 "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -Chrissy - age 6 "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4 "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily - age 8 "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."- Bobby - age 5 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."- Nikka - age 6 "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."- Jenny - age 4 "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." -Noelle - age 7 "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy - age 6 "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."- Cindy - age 8 "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."- Clare - Age 5 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." -Elaine - age 5 "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."- Chris - age 8 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."- Mary Ann - age 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."- Lauren - age 4 "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." - Bethany - age 4 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."- Karen - age 7 "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."- Mark - age 6 "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -Jessica - age 8 ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------��� If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1944 Rodney Marsh athlete 1946 Felton Perry actor (Magnum Force, Sudden Death) 1946 Sawao Kato Japan, gymnast (Olympic-gold-1968, 72, 76) 1948 Daryl Hall rocker/songwriter (Hall & Oates-Sara Smile) 1950 Catlin Adams LA Calif, actress (Ms Loomis-Square Pegs) 1953 David Morse Beverly Mass, actor (St Elsewhere, House, Inside Moves) 1962 Joan Cusack Evanston Ill, comedienne (SNL) 1962 Leslie Landon LA Calif, actress (Etta Plum-Little House on Prairie) 1969 Prince Constantijn of the Netherlands 1971 Luke Perry Mansfield Ohio, actor (Dillon-Beverly Hill 90210) 1975 Kellie Martin actress (Life Goes On) .....and on this day in history: 1958 2nd US Moon probe, Pioneer 1, reaches 113,810 km, falls back 1961 USAF Major Robert M White takes X-15 to 66,100 m 1962 1st appearance of a Gabor sister on the Merv Griffin Show 1962 2nd Vatican Council (21st ecumenical) convened by Pope John XXIII 1967 Yoko Plus Me art exhibit opens in London (the me is John Lennon) 1968 Apollo 7 (Schirra, Eisele & Cunningham) made 163 orbits in 260 hours 1968 Billy Martin named manager of Twins 1968 Panama revolts 1969 Soyuz 6 launched; Soyuz 7 & 8 follow in next 2 days 1971 Frank McGee becomes news anchor of the Today Show 1972 Prison uprising at Washington DC jail 1975 "Saturday Night Live" premieres with guest host George Carlin 1975 Islander's Bryan Trottier's 1st career hat trick 1977 Soyuz 25 returns to Earth 1978 Aristides Royo elected president of Panama 1979 Allan McLeod Cormack & Godfrey Newbold Hounsfield win Nobel Prize for medicine for developing the CAT scan 1980 Cosmonauts Popov & Ryumin set space endurance record of 184 days 1981 LeRoy Irvin sets yards gained on punt returns record (207 yds) 1981 Unknown rocker Prince opens for Rolling Stones at LA Coliseum 1981 Yanks beat Brewers 7-3 & win only Eastern Championship Series 1982 English ship Mary Rose, which sank during an engagement with France in 1545, raised at Portsmouth, England 1983 Last hand-cranked telephones US went out of service as 440 telephone customers in Bryant Pond, Maine, were switched over to direct-dial 1984 NASA launches space vehicle S-208 1984 VP candidate debate-Geraldine Ferraro (D) & George Bush (R) 1985 Atlantis returns to Kennedy Space Center via Kelly AFB 1985 Pres Reagan bans importation of South African Krugerrands 1986 Reagan & Gorbachev open talks at a summit in Reykjavik, Iceland 1987 200,000 gays march for civil rights in Washington 1990 Center for Urban archaeology opens in NYC South Street Seaport Museum 1990 Octavio Paz wins Nobel Prize for literature 1990 Oil hits a record $40.42 per barrel 1991 Anita Hill testifies Clarence Thomas sexually harrassed her 1991 Chip Beck ties PGA lowest 18 hole score of 59 �2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� London - Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free! Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in addition to the BEST humour around...all without any ads at all! Guaranteed! <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Is your wallet full of moths? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail." -Fran Lebowitz ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Got A Problem?? <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/52.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/52.html Martha Stewart <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/10050204.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/10050204.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� [A Classic!] The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found his 20 year old son masturbating several times day. "Boy, you gotta stop that. Go out and get yourself a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty, innocent and inexperienced younger girl to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son whacking off again. "You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae you married is a fine healthy young girl!!" "I know Pop," the boy replied, "but her arm gets tired sometimes." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� What's she been doing?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.644 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.644 Heart treatment... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.645 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.645 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/29.html ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For non-cowboy types..the container for this 'snuff' is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket) Prior to her trip to Arizona, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Western Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable! And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well, come on, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� Where is the inventor of the piano from? A. Florence, Italy B. Piano, Germany C. Salzburg, Austria D. New York City, USA <Answers in Next Issue!> 29/10 Last Issue's Answers: Wyoming is known as both the Cowboy State and the Equality State. What event gives the state the latter? D. The first to let women vote � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Thought From An Egg <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/53.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/53.html Message Pad <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/54.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/54.html ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Anni wanted a divorce from Sam. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?" "Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot." "That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?" "Prove it? Why everybody knows it." "If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?" "I didn't know it before I married him." Sam shouted out, "She did too!" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------��� In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the past! October 11th 2001: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m729.html ">Click</a> http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m729.html ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man floating face down in his bathtub. The tub was filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer. ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip Poker With Grandma or Grandpa <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/strippokergran.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/strippokergran.html Hangaroo <a href=" http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/hangaroo.html ">Click</a> http://www.humorcorner.com/dmp/hangaroo.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Women's Shopping Prayer: Our Cash, Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Gucci Watch Thy Prada Bag In Saks As it is in Neimans Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our Overdraft As we forgive those who cease our Mastercard Lead us not into Kmart And deliver us from Target For thine is Versace, the Akira & Armani For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity Amex ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.'' "What about the bucket of sand?'' "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.'' ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Catching The Bouquet <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bouquet.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bouquet.html New AOL Icons <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/iconsaol.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/iconsaol.html ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Romanian mayor has managed to double the birth rate in his village after building a sex theme park. Couples are encouraged to have sex at the park which has cabins, facilities for cooking romantic dinners, a music system and even a telephone for calling erotic lines. Corneliu Olar, mayor of Horea village, says his Valley of Happiness project was intended to increase the population of the village and transform it into a town. He says the number of new born children has already doubled in the last six years since he was elected. The mayor told Libertatea newspaper: "We put a lot of work into this place and tried to make it an attraction for all those who want to make love in a special environment. We wanted to offer them an adventure they would never forget." Mr Olar, who is a bachelor, said the site for the Valley of Happiness was chosen because it was a place where lovers had traditionally come to. Villager Dumitru Neag said: "My mother told me I was procreated here and I myself had this experience. "It was special maybe because, I think, this place got a positive energy from all those couples who made love here during the time." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] J E R E S C A R E [||||] Pulpit pulverizer Jerry Falwell twisted Muslim turbans when he referred to Islam's founder as "a terrorist." (LA Time) Now he won't even thump his King James until his security detail checks it for a hidden bomb. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Top News Stories for the Year 2035 1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking -- --damn you, Chelsea! 2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock. 3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit. 4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 5. Texas executes last remaining citizen. 6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. 7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped. 8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. 9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles. 10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball players threaten to strike. 11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036. 12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV. 13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $2,000. Protests planned. 14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing. 15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes. 16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. No response. 17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois. 18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online experience." Congress considering a law to tax it. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Fantasies... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.646 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.646 Brrrr... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.647 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.647 ���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------��� A MAN who tried to rob a 7-Eleven store with a chocolate bar after going on a September 11 inspired binge will be sentenced today. Gerard Ahearne, 44, feared the world was going to end after he watched New York's World Trade Centre crumble a on September 11th 2001. The County Court has heard that the attacks motivated Ahearne to go on a bender. Two weeks later, he found himself drunk outside a Richmond hotel about 1am. He walked across the road to his local 7-Eleven in Victoria St, where he was well known. After his request for an Eftpos cash withdrawal was refused, he grabbed a chocolate nougat bar. "This is a hold-up," he told the attendant, who refused his demand for cash amid laughter from other customers. He later told police that because he "didn't get too far with the chocolate bar" he decided to go home and get a knife. Ten minutes later, he was back. He threatened the attendant, whom he later described as a personable bloke, with a pocket knife and robbed him of $800. Ahearne then went to Crown casino and blew most of the money. Ahearne, who pleaded guilty to armed robbery, said drunken insanity prompted his crime. "There was part of me that's freakin' out, as the world is comin' to an end," he told police. "'Cos of what happened in America a couple of weeks ago . . . I have been pretty freaked out. "That's one of the reasons that I have gone on that bender. You know, like, just, this is the end of the world, you know." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What did the blonde do when she heard that there was a Wet T-Shirt contest? She brought all her dirty laundry. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� How Mad Cows Made My Boyfriend Fear My Porn Collection By Jenna Glatzer "Bile," I said with throat-clutching horror. "There was bile in that hiccup. I thought bile was supposed to (hic) only come in burps." "You're ruining my erection," he said. "Really, though," I said. "Bile is one of my (hic) least favorite things. Ever. I believe I like it less than (hic) gangrenous wounds. And raging yeast infections. Combined." "Right. That did it," he said, zipping up his pants and sighing heavily. It's not that I didn't want to do wonderfully nasty things to him. I did, really. But it's difficult to be sexy when you have bile in your hiccups. It could have been a sign of something much, much worse. Like acid reflux. Not that I exactly understand what's so dangerous about acid reflux, but from the sound of those commercials, it's a very mysterious digestive terrorist. Heartburn? That's a breeze! A day in the park. But acid reflux? Well, that'll just ruin your whole week. Or, worse, what if it was Mad Cow disease? Had I ingested any dairy products? Why, yes. I had cheese on my macaroni. Cheese that might have been infested with cow madness. I could be dying. Death by bile. Doesn't get much worse. I popped in a porno out of courtesy and walked out in search of Mylanta. "What the?!" He stared at me, orifices agape. I gave him that "what'd I do?" arm movement. "You WANT me to watch a porno?" Well, I put it on, didn't I? "And, wait a minute, you HAVE pornos?!" Where do you think I learned how to do the chandelier upside-down opossum blow job, Sherlock? He didn't know if he was disgusted or The Luckiest Man Alive. His face morphed from emotion to emotion for the next 10 seconds while I stood in the doorway, awaiting his acceptance of the circumstances at hand. "Uh, why?" Because I have a clitoris, two hands, a box of Energizers, and a fondness for things that go "buzzzz" in the night. For some reason, he didn't like this. And I guess he'd never really considered the idea that I was capable of handling my sexual desires all by myself. Pun intended. Really, though, I knew he'd work it out. I was much more concerned with attending to my digestive juices. I figured if I walked out, he'd do as the Romans do and get to the business of jacking the beanstalk. He'd be a much happier person, and he'd quit worrying about why his almighty organ wasn't my sole source of sensory pleasure. "How many of these do you have?" This is a trick question, akin to asking how many lovers one has had. No matter what I said here, it was going to be too many. "Six," I lied. I really had seven. I don't know why I lied. I still feel guilty about this today. I will one day be an excellent Jewish grandmother. "Six?! SIX? That's more than I have!" "So, you have pornos. I have pornos. What's the problem?" "You're a WOMAN!" Yes. A woman who enjoys climaxing to 70s soundtracks. I walked out to get my antacid and plot his demise. As I made my way down the hall, he continued shouting protests. "I can't believe,! I don't even know you! My sweet girlfriend would never,Where did you get these? What is that woman, doing, with her, thighs, uh, are you going to be long?" Not long enough for you to do the deed, clean up, and then pretend you didn't so you can get all self-righteous on ME, babe. I quickly downed the acid-fixing stuff, tiptoed back to my doorway, and pressed my ear to the door. Ohh, yeah. I threw the door open and smiled that "I caught you" smile, which threw off his rhythm. He looked at me with terribly charming insecurity. "You don't, uh, prefer this to me, do you? I mean, if you had the choice?" "I'd take you every time, O Great Sexual Dynamo," I assured. "This is just for those nights that I can't have you. It's a microwave dinner, and you're lobster with drawn butter." This appeased him. He pulled me in, rubbed my belly, and asked sweetly, "How's your bile?" "I'll live," I answered, noticing how hard he was concentrating on looking into my eyes to prove to me that he was more interested in me than in the buck naked dominatrixes chaining each other to trees on the television. So I pressed my cheek against his and turned it towards the screen. Hesitantly, he asked, "Are you going to watch with me?" "Do you want me to?" He nodded slowly. "Then, by Jove, I will." And so I did. And this, my friend, is how I taught my man to respect my perversities. Now, if only I could get him to quit setting off my remote-controlled clitterfly in the mall. -- Jenna Glatzer is a mild-mannered writer and editor, and the Director of Public Relations for the upcoming Scottish comedy film CURSE OF THE BOG WOMEN (www.bogwomen.com). Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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