[Purehumour] Friday Funnies

[Purehumour Family Autobot]

���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents

<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->

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Winter is rearing its ugly head here a little bit early this year...so far we have
had snow twice....which is pretty rare for October! According to the Farmer's
Almanac we are not supposed to have a great amount of snow this year...but
then again...how the heck can they predict that far into the future? El Nino is
supposed to be making a return trip ... so who knows what this winter will
hold...but all we can hope is that we get a fair amount of moisture. The fields
and dugouts are pretty dry and the farmers really need moisture to get the crops
to grow!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Barb, Laurel, Paul, Stan,
Joseph, Keli, Terri, Marina, Colorado Kid, DA Funk, SunAmy.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>

���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats...

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

A wee tot
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.659 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.659

They're lost...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.660 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.660

���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in
progress and the country preacher talked at length
of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest
man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father
he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of
her children,

"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if
that's your pa in there."

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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���

If today is your birthday...you share it with:

1942 Willie Horton baseball slugger (Detroit Tigers)
1947 Joe Morton NYC, actor (Hal-Grady)
1947 John Johnson NBA (Seattle SuperSonic)
1947 Laura Nyro Bronx, singer/songwriter (Eli's Coming, Stoney End)
1950 Merry Martin Camden Mich, actress (Leslie-Peter Loves Mary)
1951 Pam Dawber Detroit, actress (Mindy-Mork & Mindy, My Sister Sam)
1956 Martina Navratilova Prague Czech, tennis (Wimbledon 1989,79,82-87)
1958 Jean-Claude Van Damme Belgium, actor (Kickboxer, No Retreat)
1960 Emily Arth Evanston Ill, playmate (Jun, 1988)
1961 Erin Moran Burbank Calif, actress (Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi)
1961 Wynton Marsalis New Orleans La, jazz trumpeter (Grammy 1983)
1962 Vincent Spano Brooklyn NY, actor (Alphabet City, Maria's Lovers)
1966 Angela Visser Miss Universe (1989)
1971 Karen J McNenny Missoula Montana, Miss Montana-America (1991)
1977 Chris McKenna Queens NY, actor (Joey-One Live to Live)
1981 Richard Vuu actor (Last Emperor)

.....and on this day in history:

1950 Connie Mack retires as manager of the A's after 50 years
1953 Willie Thrower becomes 1st black NFL quarterback in modern times
1954 Hurricane Hazel (3rd of 1954) becomes most severe to hit US
1955 Track & Field names Jesse Owens all-time track athlete
1960 Casey Stengel retired by NY Yankees (won 10 pennants in 12 years)
1960 In Britain, the News Chronicle & Daily Mail merge, & The London Evening Star merges with the Evening News
1962 Tony Sheridan & the Beat Brothers record "Let's Dance"
1962 US launches Ranger 5 for lunar impact; misses Moon
1962 Dr Watson (US) & Drs Crick & Wilkins (Britain) win Nobel Prize for Medicine for work in determining structure of DNA
1963 IOC votes Mexico City to host 1968 Olympics
1967 Soviet Venera 4 becomes the 1st probe to send data back from Venus
1967 Walt Disney's "Jungle Book" is released
1967 AL votes to allow Athletics to move from KC to Oakland & expand the league to 12 teams in 1971 with KC & Seattle teams
1968 Bob Beamon of USA sets the long jump record (29"2�") in Mexico City
1968 Circus Circus opens in Las Vegas
1968 John Lennon & Yoko One fined for marijuana possession
1968 Lee Evans sets world record of 43.8 seconds in 400 meter dash
1968 Police find 219 grains of cannabis resin in John & Yoko's apt
1968 US Olympic Committee suspends Tommie Smith & John Carlos for giving "black power" salute as a protest during victory ceremony
1969 Federal govt bans use of cyclamates artificial sweeteners
1969 Soyuz 8 returns to Earth
1973 Congress authorizes bi-centennial quarter, half-dollar & dollar coin
1974 Wings (Country Hams) release "Walking in the Park with Eloise"
1974 Chicago Bull Nate Thurmond becomes 1st in NBA to complete a quadruple double-22 pts, 14 rebounds, 13 assists & 12 blocks
1977 1st Islander 0-0 tie-Kings at Nassau-25th time shutout-Resch's 15th
1977 Reggie Jackson hits 3 consecutive homers tying Ruth's series record
1977 Yanks beat Dodgers 8-4 for 21st world championship, 1st in 15 years
1978 1st daughter Susan Ford announces engagement to Charles F Vance
1978 NY Islanders 1st scoreless tie, vs LA Kings
1979 "Beatlemania" opens in London
1980 Detroit blocks 21 Atlanta shots setting NBA record (double
1981 NY Giant Joe Danelo ties NFL record of 6 field goals in a game
1984 Discovery moves to Vandenberg AFB for mating of STS 51A mission
1988 Israel's supreme court uphold's ban on Kahane`s Kach Party as racist
1989 US 62nd manned space mission STS 34 (Atlantis 5) launches into orbit

�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A
newspaper reporter is interviewing Paul, who was favored to win the
race. Reporter: "Paul, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal
race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why
then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"

Paul: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy,
knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first
bridge, Terri was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and
looking very sexy."

"She was calling to me, saying, 'Paul, I am yours when you finish
the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting
uncomfortable."

"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Anni was standing on
the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts,
saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Paul.'"

"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight,
but I swam on."

"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Judy was standing on it.
She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when
you finish the race, Paul, I want you so bad.'

" This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers
passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to
do."

Reporter: "But Paul, why didn't you try the backstroke?"

Paul: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

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���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------���

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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���

Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up
all night looking for them that does you in.
-Casey Stengel

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Magic Card Trick
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/magic.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/magic.html

Call Girl
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks14.html ">Click</a>
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

You just may be a "slut" if:

* You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
* Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
* You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
* Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
* You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
* When they change your area code to 976.
* Tetracycline is your best friend.
* McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
* It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
* When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
* When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
* Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
* When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
* When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
* When your ceiling mirrors fog.
* When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
* When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
* Madonna comes to you for pointers.
* When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
* When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
* Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
* The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
* When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
* When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
* When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
* When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���

Nasty Prison...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.152 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.152

Exposing himself...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.661 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.661

���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Here's an exercise I have been doing to stay in shape. You might want to
take it easy at first, and then do it faster as you become more proficient.

WARNING!
THIS EXERCISE MAY BE TOO STRENUOUS FOR SOME PEOPLE.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM

Scroll down...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now Scroll up...

You're all looking in good shape there!

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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���

If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Top Ten Other Television Shows Produced By Saddam Hussein

10. "Allah McBeal"
9. "Wheel of Torture"
8. "Temptation Bunker"
7. "Mustafa In The Middle"
6. "The Price Is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
5. "As The Oil Rig Burns"
4. "World's Wildest Camel Chases"
3. "Live with Regis and Kelly"
2. "Touched By A Moustache"
1. "Everybody Knows That Raymond Is An Infidel and
Must Be Stoned"

���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school clothes.

���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���

Which fact is NOT true of lion prides?

A. They are just like sororities with an initiation
B. It contains only females
C. Lions are born into their pride and stay in it for life
D. A large pride may split into smaller ones

<Answers in Next Issue!>

13/10

Last Issue's Answers:

Many common English words are very similar to Spanish vocabulary and some are still spelled exactly the same. Which is NOT one of those words?

D. Yes

� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Guess Which Cat Ate Your Prozac
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks15.html ">Click</a>
http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks15.html

Misfortune Cookies
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/vimh6.html ">Click</a>
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���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

Greg took Keli to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed her to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, Keli put
her hand on Greg's lap. Looking over at him, she
remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too.
But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" Greg replied.

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!

October 18th 2001
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m735.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m735.html

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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���

A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face.
Using only gestures, he explained to the Doctor that someone in the
crowd was unhappy with his act and attacked him with pepper spray, which
apparently reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns. The
Doctor shook his head and said, "A Mime is a terrible thing to mace."

���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���

What A Time For The Duracell To Die
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Lonely & Sad
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

[A Classic!]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.
The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy
says that he just found out that his younger son
is gay.

The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a
couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy
responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.

The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few
days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out,

"Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy
gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

Norm and Kurt were discussing the new secretary at
their office.

Norm to Kurt: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we
had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my
wife!"

Two days later.

Kurt to Norm: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as
well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Women Waiting For The Perfect Man
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A Set Of Big Berthas
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���

Oh Canada!

A streaker who interrupted an ice hockey game in
Canada had to be taken away on a stretcher after
falling badly.

The man climbed over the glass during a stoppage
in play in the match between the Boston Bruins and
the Calgary Flames in Calgary.

Wearing only a pair of red socks, he slipped when
his feet touched the ice and he landed hard on his
back.

He was apparently knocked unconscious when he banged
his head on the ice and lay motionless.

He was removed on a stretcher to a loud ovation from
the crowd of 15,000, but regained consciousness, to
punch the air.

It's not known if the man required hospital treatment.

Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and
their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,
his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way,
you get your dog back!"

���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���

[||||] H A N D B I T I N G 1 - A [||||]

Whitney Huston's dad and his bizpard hauled the flic warbler into Brief
City to recoup $100 mil expended on pot bust legal fees and negoting a
$100 mil discdeal with Arista Records. (LA Daily News)

No comment from Whitney's law firm, Menendez & Menendez.

Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding
horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey,
takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?!
That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says,"In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and
bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone the Canadian pulls
out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle
in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did
you do that for? that was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and
bottles are cheap."

So a while later the guy from Buffalo pulls out a bottle of
beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then
chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag,
pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!"

The guy from Buffalo says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty
of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."

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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���

Womb mates
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The Rubber band...
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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���

A McMinnville, Tennessee man took disposing of evidence
to new heights when he tried to swallow a plastic bag of
drugs investigators found concealed in his rectum.

The suspect, Darrell Felson Hobbs, 40, is charged with
possession of methamphetamine and is being held at Warren
County Jail awaiting a preliminary hearing.

According to Sheriff Jackie Matheny, Hobbs was arrested
on an outstanding warrant after his vehicle was pulled
over by deputy Sandy Hayes. During a subsequent body
search prior to being placed behind bars, jailers noticed
a bag hanging from his rectum.

As the jailers retrieved the bag, they then noticed another
one still lodged inside Hobb's rectum.

Since jailers did not want to go in after the object (can
you blame them?), Hobbs was asked to remove the evidence from
his person but reportedly refused. Deputies then decided to
take Hobbs to River Park Hospital where the object could be
forcibly removed.

However, before deputies could get Hobbs to the hospital,
he reportedly pulled the bag from his rectum and placed it
in his mouth. Officers then took Hobbs to the hospital to
have his stomach pumped, believing he had swallowed the bag
of drugs.

Sheriff Matheny said Hobbs spit the bag out of his mouth
enroute to the hospital but deputies still had his stomach
pumped. The Sheriff said about five grams of meth were
contained in the two bags. Hobbs reportedly has a history
of meth arrests.

���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���

What two words have the most letters in it?

Post Office

���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���

Because I took Tuesday off...we missed "This Week's Laughing
Stalk"...so here it is now!

I Just Made You Say "Underwear"
Erik Deckers

Fans of certain sports teams have well-deserved reputations of being
obnoxious and outlandish because of their antics in the stands.

In the National Football League, the Cleveland Browns have the loud and
obnoxious Dawg Pound, the Green Bay Packers have the loud and obnoxious
Cheeseheads, and the Buffalo Bills have the highest ratio of men with
disgustingly huge "man boobs" going shirtless at winter home games.

English soccer hooligans are now banned from traveling out of the
country because they regularly incite violence at international soccer
matches.

But when it comes to baseball, fans are pretty much a quiet and
respectful group, usually because they've fallen asleep from boredom
after the third inning.

Unless you sit near Anthony Ercolano, a high-decibel fan of the Seattle
Mariners.

Ercolano has a well-earned reputation as both the loudest and most
annoying fan to sit in the bleachers, since he spends every home game
shouting at the opposing players.

According to recent articles in the Seattle Times and Seattle
Post-Intelligencer, Ercolano will yell at short batters to stand up. He
asks young-looking players who they're taking to the prom. He makes cry
baby sounds when a player argues with the umpire. And -- predictably --
he even questions whether the ump has eyes.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. But the 44-year-old ex-Microsoft
employee spent $32,000 on two Diamond Club season tickets -- fifth row
seats directly behind home plate -- just so he can shower everyone with
abuse during every Mariners home game.

Of course, one has to wonder how Ercolano became an ex-Microsoft
employee in the first place.

Bill Gates: I'd like to welcome everyone to our monthly company-wide
employees' meeting.

Ercolano: Hey Gates, your glasses look dorky! G-a-a-a-a-a-tes,
G-a-a-a-a-a-tes!

After four years (in which Ercolano only missed 15 games), the Mariners
decided they'd had enough, so Executive Vice President Bob Aylward
called Ercolano on the phone and asked him to keep it down or lose his
season tickets.

So what did Ercolano do? Tone it down a bit? Hold up hand-painted signs
instead? Use signal flags and flares to voice his opinion?

Of course not, this is America!

He filed a lawsuit at the end of August, claiming that his First
Amendment rights were violated, and his season ticket contract may have
been breached.

As a journalist, I am never, ever in favor of violating anyone's First
Amendment rights. That's what makes this country so great -- being able
to voice one's opinion about things like "people who constantly shout at
baseball games are loud-mouthed jerks and should be flogged."

However, while the US Constitution guarantees Ercolano a right to free
speech, it doesn't require everyone else to listen. So it's not a matter
of whether he can do this at all (he can), it's more a question of "does
he have to do this all the time at EVERY freakin' game?!"

"Really, what he wants is to be free of harassment, and he'd like an
apology from the Mariners," Paul Meiklejohn, Ercolano's attorney, told
the Seattle Times. "He feels that he spent a lot of money for these
tickets. . . and he didn't expect to be belittled."

Whether Ercolano feels it or not, he DID spend a lot of money -- $16,000
per ticket -- the same as everyone else in the Diamond Club. Those fans
also have a right to be free of harassment and Ercolano's unimaginative,
sophomoric banter ringing in their ears, don't they?

And if you want to be nitpicky, he wasn't really belittled, since
Aylward's request was made privately over the phone. The only thing that
happened, according to Ercolano himself, is that he was asked to keep it
down.

If the Mariners' scoreboard had displayed messages that said Ercolano
behaves like a spoiled brat to overcompensate for his small male anatomy
and that he still wets the bed, THAT would have been belittling. Instead
Aylward only asked him to shut up and let others enjoy the game.

Ercolano's lawsuit asks that the Mariners be prevented from removing him
from any games or revoking his 2003 season tickets. And of course, he is
seeking "unspecified monetary damages."

But Ercolano's lawsuit did not ask other Diamond Club fans to refrain
from pummeling him mercilessly, so there may be new developments to this
story next season.

Meiklejohn also told the Times that Ercolano's enjoyment ". . . is in
the baseball game and cheering and teaching his girls about the game."

Just what exactly is he teaching them about baseball by being this
obnoxious?

Ercolano: Okay honey, when this guy comes up to bat, yell "I've seen
rusty gates swing better" just like daddy taught you.

At least Ercolano has some standards. He says he follows three rules
when yelling at the opposing team. He never uses foul language, never
comments on a player's low batting average, and he never insults a
player's family.

But commenting on their height or physical appearance is fair game? Why
is the guy who feels belittled fighting for his right to belittle
others? It sounds like Ercolano can dish it out, but can't take it, and
doesn't think he should have to.

So how would he feel if someone like Yankee slugger Jason Giambi shouted
comments back at him before cracking a couple foul tips his way? Angry?
Vindicated? Or like he needs to have a baseball removed from his teeth?

What's really sad about all this is Ercolano's heckling is so juvenile
and inane, it's like the cracks we made in middle school: stupid,
pointless, and painfully immature. We actually quit making "stand up"
jokes to short people by the time we were 12 because it got old after
the 20th time. Is it even possible for a grown man to make cry baby
sounds at other grown men without sounding like a complete moron?

What's worse is that Ercolano has filed a lawsuit which could completely
change the standards of free speech in this country, just so he can make
comments that have all the creativity and maturity of "what did you eat
under there?"

Instead he should stick with the classics, like "we want a pitcher, not
a belly itcher."

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

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