���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Welcome to a special "ad-free" version of Purehumour...this is a rerun from October 11, 2001....too many things are happening right now...so I had to kick in a rerun to allow me to catch...but when you get a rerun... you also get an issue without any ads...so please enjoy this one with my compliments and I will be back on Tuesday. Today's issue includes contributions by: Marina, Pat, Di Ann, Amy, Terri, Rubin, Barbara. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> <*�*-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------*�*> Lets start with a quickie: Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital? He was a-salted! <*�*--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------*�*> Fixing the thing... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620 ">Fixing the thing...</a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.620 <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> Signs of Menopause 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson." 5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 6. You change your underwear after every sneeze. <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> A little Yugo car smashed into the rear of a Jaguar as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded. "What's the point?" shrugged the driver of a Jaguar. "If you couldn't see my Jaguar, how could you see my hand?" <*�*----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------*�*> Check out the poll at: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/";>FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ <*�*-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------*�*> I'm a fool...but I am God's fool, and all of His work must be contemplated with great respect. -Mark Twain <*�*--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------*�*> Funny Billboard. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621 ">Funny Billboard.</a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.621 <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies. <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> An Indian, a black man and a Polack share an apartment. The rent is due soon and all three are unemployed, so they all go out to look for a job. That evening, they met to discuss their day. The Indian says to his roommates, "Me pissed me no find no job." The black man then says, "Shit man, I ain't hooked up no job either!" The Polack chimes in, "Hey, I found a good job! The owner said all I had to do was show up on time at 8A.M. and I could go to work!" Knowing that the Indian woke really early and watched the sun rise, the Polack asked the Indian to wake him at 6:30 so he could get to work on time and then went to bed. The black man liked to play practical jokes and talked the Indian into helping him play one on the Polack. While the Polack slept the other two painted his face black. The Indian woke the Polack at 6:30 who then got dressed and went straight to his new job. When he got there, he told the owner he was ready to go to work. The owner said he didn't know what he was talking about. The Polack reminded him of his promise to put him to work if he showed up on time. The owner said that the guy he hired was white. The Polack replied, "I am white". The owner said, "No you're not, you are black, go look in the mirror!" The Polack went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "That stupid damn Indian woke up the wrong guy!" <*�*--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------*�*> If your dick was as big as your mouth, you'd have a date tonight. <*�*-------------------------DEAR AGGIE--------------------------------*�*> Dear Aggie My question is, We keep seeing other countries burning the American Flag, I cannot find one to buy here in the USA. Where are they getting them? Happy ]~[ Dear Happy, Are you telling Aggie that you want a US flag to burn??? Get off my column, you pinko rat ! Aggie P.S. there are plenty of places selling them on the net. Dear Aggie is a regular feature of Purehumour...she is an advice columnist with a difference. Her main problem is she suffers from a really bad case of PMS! To get your questions answered...send them to: <a href="mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]";>Dear Aggie</a> [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*�*--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------*�*> Accidents happen... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.622 ">Accidents happen...</a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.622 <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly. "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!" <*�*--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------*�*> The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded." <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks." <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in- law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car -- you or your mother?" <*�*--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------*�*> Duh!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.623 ">Duh!!</a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.623 <*�*-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------*�*> A pet rooster has died on the operating table during a court-ordered castration. Cindy June's bird had to go under the knife because neighbours complained about its loud crowing. The castration was supposed to be safer than cutting Farmsworth's vocal chords. It would also have lower his testosterone level, making him less likely to crow. Ms June of Milton, New York, was distraught at Farmsworth's death. She told the Times Union. He was my buddy. It was just a stupid chicken, but I cried a river." Farmsworth had been measured crowing at up to 89 decibels. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">WNW</a> <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks." <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> Lady goes to doctor for her annual check up. The doctor ask her to get undressed. She does but leaves her bra on. When the doctor asked her to take her bra off for the breast exam she says no you will laugh. The doctor assures her he will not laugh and has seen every size shape and form of breasts there are in his line of work. She removes her bra and one breast falls out and is hanging off to one side. The doctor obviously surprised, she says I told you would laugh. Doctor says oh no I am just wondering how this happened. She tells the doctor how her husband likes to fall asleep at night with one breast in his mouth. The doctor tells her well I like to do the same but my wife's breast does not look like this. She says yes but my husband falls out of bed a lot. <*�*--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------*�*> Keyhole time.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.624 ">Keyhole time..</a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.10.624 <*�*--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------*�*> It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones. The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?" The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son." To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!" With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man." And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!" <*�*---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------*�*> She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up. <*�*--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------*�*> News of the World and Everyplace Else Despite the news coverage we've seen over the past month, there are other things happening around the world. People are still stupid, companies are still inflicting goofy products on the public, science fiction geeks are still . . . well, geeky, and lawyers are still blood-sucking leeches. Here are some of the events from the past week: ** Just because it works for bras doesn't mean underpants should do that too. DuPont Lycra has introduced the Wonderbum, a new hosiery product that "lifts, separates, and shapes" a woman's rear, and promises "a perfectly peachy, pert bottom." Despite the wonderful claims, experts warn that it should not be worn by accountants, bureaucrats, or anyone else with a reputation for being "tight," if you know what I mean. "Frequently, separation can actually cause emotional scarring for the wearer," said Dr. Andrew Maxwell, noted psychiatrist, who specializes in treatment for the "chronically uptight." Varsha Peshavaria, the marketing manager for DuPont Lycra, said the Wonderbum fabric -- which can stretch up to seven times its normal length -- can serve as an alternative to plastic surgery. However, fashion and fitness experts have pointed out that just because the fabric can stretch up to seven times its normal length doesn't mean it should be worn by people who can actually stretch it that far. "These tights . . . allow the cheeks to express themselves," Peshavaria said at a British hosiery event where the Wonderbum was unveiled. DuPont also promises to introduce other products that "allow the cheeks to express themselves," including the "Hey, Pull My Finger" Lycra Glove. ** First it was the Star Trek geeks and their efforts to create a real, conversational Klingon language (they succeeded, by the way. You can find the Klingon language dictionary in your local bookstore). Now Star Wars geeks have claimed the Jedi faith as their religion (those were the guys on Star Wars who say "May the Force be with you"). Thanks to an email campaign, more than 10,000 fans listed Jedi as their religion on Britain's 2001 census. As a result, Jedi now has its own census code, and it will appear on the 2002 census, although Britain's Office of National Statistics said they don't believe it's a real religion. In the Star Wars movies, Jedi Knights are a religious order of protectors who believe in the ability to tap into a universal power called "the Force." On Earth, Jedi Knights are a bunch of 30 to 40 year old computer geeks who live in their parent's basements, work at electronics superstores, and haven't had a date since they found one in a bowl of granola cereal. ** From the "The Dead Walk Among Us and They're Still Stupid" files: A Philadelphia man is suing U.S. Airways for negligence, because he thought he had died in a plane crash, after the crew left him asleep on the plane. Passenger-turned-zombie Scott Bender said he was asleep when the plane landed at Birmingham International Airport at 10:30 pm. He said the crew failed to wake him, and didn't check the cabin before they closed the hatch, turned off the lgiths, and locked the door. "He literally woke up and didn't know if he was alive or dead," said Richard Frankowski, Bender's lawyer. "That was his immediate fear." I think the fact that Bender "literally woke up" should have given him his first clue that he was still alive. Frankowski said Bender couldn't get his luggage until the following day. Bender says he suffered mental and emotional anguish, lost wages, and out-of-pocket expenses after his near-death experience. Legal experts (i.e. humor columnists who watch every episode of "Law & Order") point out that Bender, a jewelry salesman, couldn't sell anything that day, since the plane landed at 10:30 pm and all the stores were closed, and that "mental" and "emotional" are pretty much the same thing. These same experts then flung holy water on Bender and recited the 23rd Psalm at him. While these actions had no effect on Bender, who apparently is not dead, there is speculation that it explains why his lawyer disappeared suddenly in a puff of smoke and lingering brimstone odor. ** Would you like fries with that? In an effort to clean up their city, and move the red light district away from its landmark cathedral, the German city of Cologne has created drive-in brothels on the outskirts of town. The brothels include an approach zone where clients can drive past prostitutes to choose them. After the client has made his (or her, I suppose) choice, the prostitute is then driven into a covered parking space that has an adjoining bedroom and shower. Since prostitution is legal in Germany, police, city adminstration officials, and a Catholic charity will be there to provide support for the prostitutes, many of whom are drug users. It's so heart-warming to see the police and the Catholic church join together to support Germany's prostitutes and give them a place where they can ply their trade in warmth and comfort. The complex cost 830,000 Marks ($387,100 US). It also contains express lanes (10 sexual acts or less), an ATM machine, and a check cashing station. However, credit cards will not be accepted, since the card companies are already screwing their customers with 19 percent interest rates. -- Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at http://www.kconline.com/deckers. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! The BEST Lists around: Purehumour (the Original)-Sent Almost Daily: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Purehumour</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> PHWeekly (Purehumour Lite) - Sent Saturdays Subscribe: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">PHWeekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> Weird News Ezine (A clean look at bizarre news) - Sent Saturdays <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]?subject=subscribe ">Weird News Weekly</a> or visit: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists Page</a> To cancel (unsubscribe) from these mailings...please visit: <a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com ">Unsubscribe Page</a> These are the worst jokes in history...the jokes that were banned from Purehumour...get them now! Send a blank email to: <this is an autoresponder> <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Banned Jokes</a> Archives at: <a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ">Archives</a> Website: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com ">Homepage</a>
