���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Last night we got a new pet...well at least a temporary one...my kids found an orphaned red squirrel on our driveway...now before you start screaming that we should have left it there...we watched it for over two hours prior to rescuing it...and there was no sign of any parents...it was shivering and starving by the time we got it into the house. We figure it is about 8 weeks old (from searching the 'net). So following the instructions on an animal rescue page we found...we made sure that it was warm and re-hydrated it using a syringe with water...it actually fell asleep in my oldest son's hand after it got the water so it must be content. We've been able to give it some fresh fruit pieces too and it was extremely active this morning prior to us going to work. Lucky for us we had an old cage that we could put it into to protect it (and our house)! So we will attempt to keep it fed and safe for about 3 or 4 weeks until we can release it to the wild. Wish us luck. WIN $50.00 just by subscribing to the NEW Ad-Free Purehumour <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html Today's issue includes contributions by: Barb, SunAmy, Rubin, Amanda, Stan, keli, Jack, Marsha. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> From another list...a disclaimer: These jokes are meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you are not offended, please write to me with a description of yourself including your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to cover you in a future issue. ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jill, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Woodstock now... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.695 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.695 Dead sea... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.697 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.697 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two fat men, Sam and Greg, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, you fat bastard!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Hungry Horny ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� The count goes on! Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise: it's cold, half French and difficult to stir." -Stuart Keate ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Running late... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.668 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.668 The thongs... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.672 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.672 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Limericks? There was a lighthouse keeper named Creighton Who took up with a lady from Brighton But all ships ran aground And sailors were drowned 'Cause she wouldn't have sex with the light on. Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight. They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night. He resisted just one, But a pair? Too much fun! So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright! There was an old whore named McGee, Who as just the right sort for a spree. She said, "For a fuck, I'll charge a sawbuck; And I throw in the asshole for free." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� Menage A Trois <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog9.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog9.htm Test Your Memory Skills With This Photo Quiz <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/memtest2.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/memtest2.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� You Must Be A Redneck If Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies" Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunch-boxes. In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store to buy a bottle of Mr. Bubble. All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences. The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra. Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Lovers Caught on Tape! People caught with their "pants down" in the strangest places...hidden cameras capture ALL the action from beginning to end...you see the CLIMAX! Ever wonder what would happen if YOUR boss had a camera trained on you...well these folks found out the HARD way! <a href="http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101";>Click</a> http://www.vidbidness-partners.com/b.asp?id=1101 ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An auto mechanic received a repair order from a blonde women that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk". ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I gotta pee... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.676 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.676 How you put this thing together? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.680 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.680 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and the emcee introduces him as Simon. Before he begins to perform the emcee has a little information for the audience. Emcee: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs." Emcee: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end off the year." Much applause. Emcee: "That's fantastic. So, what are you going to perform for us tonight?" Simon: "Tonight, I am going to be.... ...Simon and half-uncle." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� Long ago, in a far-away kingdom, there lived a wizard and a king. One day, the king grew tired of his wizard friend and decided to replace him with an entertainer, a singer to be exact. So, the night before the singer was to audition, the wizard mixed up a potion and slipped it into the vocalist's wine. When the singer drank it, he was transformed into a three-inch-tall stallion! The next morning, the king called for the singer, but he did not arrive."Wizard," said the king, "Where is my singer?" "I'm sorry your majesty," replied the wizard. "It seems after all the drinking he did last night, he's a little horse." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Strip BlackJack With Karen <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjkaren.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/stripbjkaren.html Adult Memory Game <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/admem.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over. The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Shall we retire?? <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.684 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.684 Drunk driver <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.688 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.688 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� Police arrested a burglar in New Zealand after he got stuck in the cell of a former police station he'd broken into. Spencer Stuart climbed in through a window then found he couldn't get back out of the building in Granity near Westport. He was arrested in a cell that doubled as a children's play group after filling his rucksack with toys. The building doubled as Constable John Cunneen's family home. He'd moved out hours earlier. Constable Cunneen said he couldn't understand why Stuart broke in because the building was almost empty. He told New Zealand Truth: "He was a big lad. He wouldn't have been able to get out in a hurry." A neighbour alerted the officer to the burglary. Stuart, 38, of Granity has pleaded guilty to burglary. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Suzie comes home from playing with her friend Little Johnny. She goes up to her mom and says, "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Her Mom is a little taken back by such a bold statement by her young daughter, but figures it is just a part of growing up. So she asks Suzie, "What, you mean? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No, it's salty!" replied Little Suzie. ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] W E T W A R N I N G S [||||] Peter Benchley's tips for avoiding a shark attack this summer: 1] Stay out of water with lots of swooping birds on the surface. 2] Avoid sea lion colonies. 3] Don't swim at dawn, dusk or during the night. 4] Don't swim alone. 5] Keep clear of fishermen in boats. 6] Never swim in the ocean with your dog. (USA Today) The Wizard's tip for avoiding a shark attack this summer: 1] Stay out of water that's not in your backyard surrounded by tile. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� LATE NIGHT COMMENTS ON OSAMA "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." --David Letterman "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." --Jay Leno "More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." --Jay Leno "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." -- Jay Leno ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Just one thing... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.692 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.692 Ooops... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.696 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.696 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Keli was complaining to Anni, "My sex life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's worse is that he gets mad when I try to tell him." "Do what I did," Anni replied. "I told my husband that I was exactly like his computer." "Like his computer?" replies Keli. "Yeah," Anni said. "We both come with instructions." ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends" ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� The Annoyances of Being a Woman By Kim Burke [Editor's note: Kim Burke has a new book being published and very soon I will have a "signed" pre-release copy available. This copy will be awarded to one lucky subscriber...keep reading for more details] There are a few things in life that we, as women, have put up with for far too long. It is time to come together, rebuild and restore how a woman was designed to live. For example, a woman was not created to walk around in three-inch pumps. Just learning how to walk correctly in high heels without falling flat on our faces is enough to begin a new revolution. Women burned their bras in the sixties. Perhaps it is time for a high-heel shoe bonfire. The only thing that walking on around all day on two pedestals accomplishes is swollen ankles, varicose veins and painful blisters. The time has come. We must destroy all high heel shoes. Underwear. Why do we have to wear something else if it is UNDER an article of clothing to begin with? I believe it is unhealthy. We need to breath down there. Somewhere along the line, someone came up with the underwear idea to make money and it has been riding up our hinder parts ever since. The toilet seat issue: I am old enough to check and make sure the seat is down before proceeding. However, when I was five-years old, one particular night I had to go to the bathroom. It was dark and I didn't know about the need to check to see if the toilet seat was down. I sat down and nearly drowned! I screamed bloody murder and mom saved my life by pulling me out of the shark-infested tank before it sucked me down. Can you imagine how many nightmares I've endured because of this one incident? Therefore, ladies, get out your hot glue gun. I guarantee your toilet seat will not be going up any time soon. Guys, it's time for you to take a turn at being responsible in the bathroom. Be neat, but if not there's a rag and a bottle of 409 in the bathroom cabinet. Let's get back to the bra issue of the sixties. They burned them. We're still wearing them. Apparently, the message didn't get through. When it comes down to it, especially with summer underway, I'm not a fan of layers of clothing. Less is less and less is a more comfortable way to live. There is nothing I enjoy more than hanging around the house wearing a loose fitting pair of shorts and a tank top. This is comfort. The rest is under wire and dental floss. -- The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (still seeking publisher) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to: www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Naughty-amateur.com <a href="http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique Peemasters.com <a href="http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique Perfectorgy.com <a href="http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique Pornwannabe.com <a href="http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique Secretfetish.com <a href="http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique Soapboys.com <a href="http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique Sweetcherrys.com <a href="http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique Teenfactory.com <a href="http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique Upskirtschool.com <a href="http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique xxxtryouts.com <a href="http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique More adult sites: www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! 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