���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! SUMMERTIME! Gotta love it! Yes summer is official here...forget that damn groundhog...go out and weed the garden....enjoy it while it lasts! And with summer comes the fun stuff...and this Sunday I am going to do something that I haven't done in about 12 years... no don't get excited...my wife is NOT involved! ;) I am taking my two youngest boys to the Red River Exhibition in Winnipeg...which is the largest summer festival in Manitoba....rides, shows and other fun stuff....gonna get sunburned, and gluttoned out on all that fun fair food like corn dogs, candy apples and them mini-donuts that you just can't get enough of! We'll eat all that fun food and then go on the rides and get to taste it all over again! ;) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, Cathy, Di Ann, Stan, Michael. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again! ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Stop or else... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1076 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1076 Naming the animals.. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1075 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1075 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: The MOST UNIQUE CONTEST IN THE WORLD! Open to residents of the USA and Canada... ******* WIN FREE TOILET PAPER ******* YES you can WIN Free Toilet Paper...get a 24 roll pack of toilet paper right to your door when you WIN the most unique contest in the world! FREE and SIMPLE to enter...check out the link below: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/25.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL----------------------��� Speed 3? Check out the poll at: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">FunStop</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." -Will Rogers ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Noah's ship... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1074 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1074 making donuts... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1073 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1073 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� There was this guy who desperately wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. However, he was too embarrassed about the size of his penis. So one night he took her to a dark place where she couldn't see it, and after furiously making out with her, dropped his pants and put his penis in her hand. "Oh, no thanks," she whispered. "I don't smoke." ���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------��� The G Spot <a href=" http://www.comedyezine.com/b2.htm ">Click</a> http://www.comedyezine.com/b2.htm Bush Had A Sex Change <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/24.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/24.html My Exs Snide Remarks About My Cooking <a href=" http://roseys.net/jillsprog11.htm ">Click</a> http://roseys.net/jillsprog11.htm eBay Kettle <a href=" http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06b.html ">Click</a> http://www.dailyadultjoke.com/jill/02-06b.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� POP-UPS! Don't ya just love to hate 'em? Well with Pop-Up Killer they are no longer a problem...works in the background without you having to do anything...watch pop-ups disappear before they even open! FREE TRIAL ...check it out: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/27.html ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!" ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� I want one... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1072 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1072 Kojak compare... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1071 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1071 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> When my sugar daddy dies," confided Anni to Becky, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled Becky. "No, testicles..." said Anni, "I've got him by the balls." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------STREET SCENES (tm)---------------------------��� Seen on the back window of small car in Rome Ga- Just Graduated- Bow Down! Waiting for light to change at 285 and S. Cobb Dr when the young man in front of me leans over and kisses his girlfriend then promptly starts toward the bumper of the semi in front of him, slams on the brakes and gives his gal a bloody nose as she slams it on the dash board. Love Hurts! Guy driving down East-West Connector is Cobb County with side view mirror tilted so he can constantly check his head - why? I have no clue as his head is shaved totally bald. Go figure. Seen on side of interstate by road work crew one portapotty with labeled door "A Quality Can". Street Scenes (TM) An occasional contributor to Purehumour. By CourierAnn Copyright 2002 ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� A prostitute walked into a bank and approached the teller with a bag of silver dollars. She emptied it out on the counter and the teller exclaimed, "My goodness, did you hoard these silver dollars all by yourself?" "Oh, no!", she replied. "My sister whored half of them." ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� The Shell Game <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shellgame.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/shellgame.html Ask Guru Joe <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askjoe.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/askjoe.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� <Classic Little Johnny!> Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to have to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� YOU WIN! A FREE CD of your choice...many titles to choose from...all for being a part of Purehumour! Get YOUR FREE CD today: <a href="http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free/";>FREE!</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/free ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting. The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Complaint dept... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1070 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1070 Open the jar... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1069 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1069 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A Sarajevo man is in trouble with the police after he made a surprise live appearance at his own funeral. Rizah Gibovic had lent his medical insurance papers to an ill friend who then collapsed and died. He now faces legal action for insurance fraud - and he still needs to convince authorities he is not dead. Friends of Rizah Gibovic turned out to pay their last respects at his funeral after reading of his death in the paper. The mourners said they were scared stiff when they saw him enter the Sarajevo cemetery under his own steam. Gibovic explained he was just as shocked as his friends to read in the obituaries that he had died. The 46-year-old admitted he had lent his medical insurance papers to a friend who had no insurance, Abdulah Djulepi, after he had complained he felt ill. But Djulepi collapsed and died upon arrival at the hospital. Believing him to be Gibovic hospital staff made an announcement of his death to the Sarajevo papers. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked. "Not on her best day." Hank replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked. No, she's broke." "Well then, is it sex?" "Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?" "She can sue me for child support!" ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] V A R O O O O M ! [||||] Toyster Razor USA unveils its high tech Big Wheels trike with a rubber front tire, hand brakes and a quality frame. (USA Today) The "Hells Little Angel" model comes with "Mother" and "Born to Kill" tattoo decals, a fake scraggly beard that smells of beer and a rear biker chick seat. Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office crying and claims that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob, "My husband won't make love to me any more. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just can't take it any more!" The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet ... rectal feeding. Reassuring the patient that she won't starve to death, the doctor explains that she'll actually take in enough nutrients, through the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she's sure to lose weight in the process. Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment and she's down from her 360 pounds to a trim 110 pounds At first the doctor doesn't recognize her and asks his nurse, "Who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?" The nurse reminds the doctor that she's the fat lady on the special, rectal diet. The doctor show the patient into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically. The doctor asks how she's doing and if there was anything wrong. The patient replies, "I'm feeling great Doc. Never felt better!" "In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?" The patient replies, "Oh, that ... I'm just chewing gum." ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Bingo on your computer...big prizes to be won! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/20.html ">Click</a> ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Rap confession <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1068 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1068 New evolution... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1067 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1067 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A government employee is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Capital Building in Washington, DC. He is taken to hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him: "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..." "Oh!" muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?" ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� How are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times they loosen up. ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� Waiter, There's A Cat On My Plate by Dave Glardon Well, medical science has done it again. A team of crack researchers has determined that salsa and guacamole can give you a rather unpleasant intestinal disorder. Well, duh! Okay, so that's not the whole story. The study focused on condiments served at several Mexican restaurants in Houston and Guadalajara. As it turns out, some of the food samples contained e-coli bacteria. And it took a team of scientists to figure that out. What concerns me most is why they keyed in on these two food products, and only in those two locations. I can think of a few fast-food restaurants that would make Mexican food look wholesome. And one of them serves Mexican food. The truth is, you never know for sure what you're eating. And quite honestly, it's best not to ask, especially if the parking lot is littered with empty cat food bags. I once worked in a boatyard in south Florida. The place was full of stray cats. I asked why, and a co-worker pointed out that there were no rats. Okay, I prefer cats. Apparently, so do some Asians. One of the cats adopted me. It was on my bench every morning, and again at lunchtime. But one day I noticed it was missing. I finally asked if anyone had seen it, and my supervisor nodded toward the back of the shop where a Vietnamese janitor was cooking lunch. I've never been one to turn my nose up at different kinds of food. I've had fried rattlesnake, minnow soup, kangaroo pie, and some breeds of raw seafood. But I'm afraid I'd have to draw the line at Garfield stew. Although, during a port visit in Greece, a bunch of us were wolfing down pita pockets stuffed with vegetables and some kind of meat. It was really good. Until I asked what it was. The vendor didn't understand English, so I made barnyard sounds. "Moo?" I queried. He shook his head and replied honestly, "Arf! Arf!" Okay, so we don't typically eat pets in America. But in some cultures, that's no more improper than eating beef. I once took some customers from India to lunch and, without thinking, I ordered a nice juicy hamburger. Later it occurred to me what I had done. I asked an Indian co-worker if I had offended them, and she assured me that I hadn't. Then I asked her if they'd be afraid to sit close to me in a lightning storm, and she assured me they would. It's all a matter of what we're used to. In the Philippines, they bury chicken eggs in the sand until they're half-incubated, then slurp them out of the shell. They think it's a delicacy. I've met a few drunken sailors who didn't quite agree. Sorry, but there's not enough alcohol in Scotland. Of course, anything's edible if you pour on enough salt and give it a French name. Caviar is just one example. It's a part of the fish even cats won't eat. The same goes for escargot. I tend to avoid restaurants that can't keep snails off the food, but rich folks pay extra for it. In a column earlier this year, I mentioned another questionable delicacy, mountain oysters. The next day, I had to explain to a co-worker what they are. Let's just say the name is a lot more appetizing than the anatomical description. It's perfectly acceptable to ask the waiter in a Chinese restaurant what's in a certain dish. After all, it is your stomach. Here's a tip. Don't eat anything the chef refers to as "Pu-Pu." He speaks English better than you think. Which brings me to another of life's mysteries. Why on earth would anyone smear a brownish yellow substance on a sandwich they intend to eat, when the label clearly describes it as "Poupon?" Don't let the spelling fool you. It looks like something from my grandson's diaper. Let's face it, when you sit down to eat a meal, you do it on blind faith. Most times, you'll get what you think you're getting. And according to our team of medical researchers, sometimes you get a little more. A word to the wise - if the restrooms seat more people than the dining room, don't eat the salsa. � 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved -- Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense of the nineties. You can visit his Website at http://www.daveglardon.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! Naughty-amateur.com <a href="http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.naughty-amateur.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=na&program=unique Peemasters.com <a href="http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.peemasters.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pm&program=unique Perfectorgy.com <a href="http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.perfectorgy.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=po&program=unique Pornwannabe.com <a href="http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.pornwannabe.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=pw&program=unique Secretfetish.com <a href="http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.secretfetishes.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sf&program=unique Soapboys.com <a href="http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.soapboys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sb&program=unique Sweetcherrys.com <a href="http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.sweetcherrys.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=sc&program=unique Teenfactory.com <a href="http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.teenfactory.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=tf&program=unique Upskirtschool.com <a href="http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.upskirtschool.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=us&program=unique xxxtryouts.com <a href="http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique";>Click</a> http://www2.xxxtryouts.com/cgi/click?account=973985&site=xt&program=unique More adult sites: www.paulsfunhouse.com/adult/ ���--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------��� When forwarding this ezine please leave this trailer message in place. None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on Purehumour?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> Purehumour Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright � Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! Purehumour is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! If offended by a selection in this issue...please hit delete! Some material in Purehumour is written exclusively for Purehumour... this material is marked as such! Copyright is retained by the original author and any reproduction in whole or in part without the expressed written permission of the author and also the publisher of Purehumour is strictly prohibited! 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